» #32 Jul 1998
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
Issue No. 32 12th July 1998
1. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.
2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY #7 - by Brett Allender.
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW - by Brett Allender and Alison Bean.
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ - More brain teasers from David McAnally.
6. THE GOODIES RULE - OK! WEBSITE OF THE MONTH
7. THE END - Bringing another C&G to a close.
1. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. Mail email@example.com with your comments, ideas or suggestions.
CONVENTION COMMITTEE MEETING
All members of the convention committee and anyone else who's interested are invited to attend our first IRC meeting, which will be held on Monday 20th July at 7pm (Australian Eastern Standard Time) at #goodies on the server firstlink.nsw.au.austnet.org. The agenda is as follows:
1. WHAT WE WANT TO DO AT THE CONVENTION - Guests, episode screenings, dinner/drinks/disco, merchandising, venue etc.
2. HOW WE CAN DO WHAT WE WANT TO DO? - Sponsorship, entrance fees, etc.
3. ANY OTHER BUSINESS.
We hope to see you there.
Sorry guys, I've nothing to report regarding t-shirts this month. Maybe it's not worth me saying this, but if I didn't someone would inevitably ask "What's going on with t-shirts?" So once again I have to say, I'll let you know when I know!
Coming soon to the homepages - more pictures!
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen a Goodie recently, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
CONFUSING CLUE BACK FOR MORE
by David Balston, email@example.com
Thought you might be interested in this letter in Radio Times dated 11-17 July.
* Crescent Fails to Take Shape *
I just wanted to write and say how wonderful I think Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue is. Having only recently discovered it, I shall miss the brilliantly clever humour of both the panel and Humphrey Lyttelton now that this series has ended. When will the next one begin?
Perhaps you could also help me out by explaining the rules of Mornington Crescent. The audience appears to follow this game with ease and I've listened very carefully to try to work it out - but try as I might, I haven't a clue and would like to be prepared for its return.
* Jon Naismith, producer of I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, replies *
The next series begins, God willing, in November on Radio 4. With regards to your inquiry about Mornington Crescent, I don't think I'm going to be a great deal of help. The rules of Mornington Crescent have been debated by humanity almost as frequently as such imponderables as the meaning of life, the whereabouts of Lord Lucan and the appeal of Richard Madeley.
And speaking of Clue…
BBC TV has been running an advert for radio comedy with an audio clip, featuring Tim, from 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue'.
TIM GOES THE FULL MOTTY
by David Balston, firstname.lastname@example.org
Another quick spotted for you, Tim was amongst the audience of the recent showcase for football commentator John Motson entitled 'The Full Motty', but we didn't get to hear Tim ask a question I'm afraid.
MARLOW RAFT RACE WEEKEND
by Penny Carlew, email@example.com
MY SUMMER WITH DES VIDEO
by David Balston, firstname.lastname@example.org
My Summer With Des, the romantic comedy about World Cup 96, which aired last month on BBC1 and featured Neil Morrissey, Arabella Weir and Graeme Garden, has been released on video by Carlton Video.
THE GOODIES ON UK ARENA
by David Balston, email@example.com
UK Arena has extended its season of Goodies episodes. The current schedule
9pm Saturday 18th July - Episode Unknown.
9pm Sunday 19th July - Episode Unknown.
9pm Saturday 25th July - Winter Olympics.
9pm Sunday 26th July - That Old Black Magic.
Also UK Arena have made some extensive changes to their July schedule as they are now broadcasting up to 3am, an extra three hours. So fingers crossed for some good news on more Goodies soon.
ONE NATION NOT GOODIES
It seems the whole world has heard of Pauline Hanson and her One Nation party. For those not in the know, Ms Hanson and One Nation are the biggest thing in racism since Hitler - their policy proposals include only allowing migrants into Australia if they can speak English. But what does this have to do with The Goodies?
Brett Allender, firstname.lastname@example.org, explains.
Here's a nice little surprise from the Sunday Herald-Sun (28th June):
Sketch is a goodie
Australia reminds me of that apartheid sketch by TV's the Goodies. As they pass through the airport arrivals hall they spot a big sign declaring: "Turn white at the end of the corridor." - K.A. Rugg, Beaumaris.
Kevin Rugg often contributes letters to the editor about all sorts of topics and even though his quote isn't spot on, it's yet another indication that The Goodies' humour is timeless and can be adapted to all sorts of situations.
by David Balston, email@example.com and Penny Carlew, firstname.lastname@example.org.
* Once again Sky One will be showing a censored version of the 3 part 'Married With Children' episodes entitled 'The England Show' on 29/30 June and 1st July at 12pm, which of course feature Bill.
* According to the Internet Movie Database Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which has Tim Brooke-Taylor in it, is being screened on television stations in the United States. To find out when you can do a search at the IMDB, http://us.imdb.com/search/ , looking for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Once you've found that, you click on the Schedules icon.
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY #7
For those of you unacquainted with Goodies-L, Brett Allender, email@example.com had been regularly posting to the list summaries and reviews of each Goodies episode. And we thought they were so good that we decided to publish one each month. Here's this month's:
(Episode 7, Series 1)
First transmitted: 20th December 1970)
Bill and Tim merrily compose jingles for their planned new radio station ("For the sound of sensation across the nation, listen to Radio Goodies..."), but Graeme is far too engrossed in designing a transmitter to barely give a "boom" as his meagre contribution. Tim also gets very excited about the prospect of hundreds of young groupie girls offering themselves to him (which also got the ABC censors rather excited too!); however the ruddy GPO Department of Broadcasting spoils things and refuse to grant them a licence because the application arrived two months late, as it had travelled all over the country second class with the GPO, who had also nicked the enclosed fiver and sent their reply to the "Dear Goobies" all around the world as well.
Enraged, Bill suggests that they set up a pirate radio station, Tim mentions a pirate post office and Graeme's scheming mind comes up with the good ship 'Saucy Gibbon'; a sensational underwater craft anchored outside the five mile limit which looks like a perfectly ordinary rowing boat from the surface and is reached by paddling kayaks out to it.
The new headquarters for Radio Goodies are very impressive (in Graeme's own words "Well it is the work of a genius!") and Bill soons slips into the rowdy role of first DJ with "Tiny Tim" as his sidekick until an unimpressed Graeme does his best Malcolm Muggeridge impersonation. The entire Radio Goodies hit parade consists of the right-up-to-the-minute sound of 'A Walk In The Black Forest', as it is the only record that they could afford to buy.
Tim has forgotten his plans for the pirate post office, so Graeme quickly schemes away (and madly declares "I'm working well tonight!", which prompts worried loony signals from Bill and Tim) and the pirate postal service is soon up and running. Tim and Bill race around the streets disguised as postboxes as they chase customers, swipe the postie's mail and attach the letters to balloons so that Graeme can shoot them down (while he takes a dip at the same time by constantly falling off the boat!), postmark the letters and return them to shore in bottles for delivery. Various delivery methods are used as they shoot arrows, tie a parcel on a pigeon (which crash-lands in the gutter!) and offer first class delivery in a limo as they wear fancy clothes and very itchy wigs.
This hectic schedule takes its toll on Tim and Bill and they find Graeme of little help, as he plots other pirate activities such as bus services, banks and hospitals. Tim announces that they are closing down the post office and that customers would just have to deliver their letters themselves ("and on the way, who knows, you might take A Walk In The Black Forest!"), but Graeme has been listening to the radio and emerges as a black-garbed postal pirate who unleashes some of the most memorable power-crazed diatribe at Tim and Bill before he unveils his master plan to tow the whole of Great Britain outside the five mile limit (?!) so that he can take over as leader of a pirate state.
Tim and Bill flee the boat to collect mail, but find on their return that Graeme is trying to tow the country away single handed in his rowing boat. An offer to make him a cup of tea if he packs it in doesn't work, so they rile him by chanting "You're a megalomaniac!" to the point where his stomping up and down punctures the 'Saucy Gibbon' and it starts to sink. Graeme goes down with his ship, but then resurfaces and yells "I've changed my mind!", so Tim and Bill decide to mount a rescue. Graeme then has to rescue them in turn after he staggers up the beach and realises that they are still floundering out at sea!
Despite Graeme's continual apologies, it seems that the cold, broke and discredited Goodies are finished, but a letter from the GPO (that arrives on an arrow which lodges in Tim's back!) which tells them that a cheque follows by pigeon changes their mood. Graeme has a great new idea for a pirate Church of England, but soon changes his mind and comments that if the others hadn't stopped him, Britain would be adrift in the Atlantic. His musing is rudely interrupted by a foghorn and the Statue of Liberty passes by outside the window!
* Bill: "I think the GPO have a very difficult job to do".
Tim: "Yes, that's why they do it so badly!".
* Graeme (examining where the letter.has been): "London, Belfast, Manchester, Edinburgh, Hong Kong ... oh come on, it can't have been to Edinburgh!"
* Tim: "Yes friends, that was number 1 on the Goodies hit parade, and incidentally numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10 ... A Walk In The Black Forest!"
* Graeme (barrelling Tim): "I'll tell you why you closed it down. Because you're an ineffectual, petty, interfering, unimaginative, useless little lackey! WHAT ARE YOU?!"
Tim (scared witless): "I - I - I'm an ineffectual, intellectual ..."
Graeme (enraged): "THAT'S NO EXCUSE!"
* Graeme (to Radio Goodies audience): "This is your leader speaking. Here is an important announcement. It has been put about by back-sliding revisionary paper hyenas that the Goodies Pirate Post Office is closing down. This ... is a lie! (thumps desk) Our glorious post office gallantly continues to function. We will get your letters through! These are dark days and the storm clouds gather around us. But never fear! I pledge that I, your leader, will see you safely through to a better world! ... And now ... A Walk In The Black Forest!"
* Graeme: "I intend to tow the whole of Great Britain outside the five mile limit!"
* Graeme: "Today the post office. Tomorrow ... the world!" (followed by a mad stare and fiendish eye-rolling)
* Tim & Bill (in unison): "You're a megalomaniac, you're a megalomaniac!"
Graeme (jumping up and down in the boat): "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not!!
* Tim (telling Bill not to rescue Graeme - to sad violin music): "No Bill, the friend we once knew is gone. That ... creature out there sinking in the ocean is something else. The hapless victim of his own terrible thirst for power. Let him go. He ... would have wanted it ... this way."
Bill: "No he bloody wouldn't!!"
* the lady screaming and fainting after being patted on the bum with a free letter stamp offered by the mailbox which has knocked on her front door.
* Graeme (and later Bill) frequently falling off the boat and into the drink while trying to shoot down balloons carrying letters
* Tim being buried under a landslide of letters after Graeme has fired a couple of shots up the hatch of the boat at passing balloons.
* Graeme's mad power-crazed ranting including bullying Tim and Bill, making Nazi-like speeches on the radio, trying to tow Britain away single-handed and then jumping up and down in the sinking Saucy Gibbon after taking offence at being called a megalomaniac!
* The Statue of Liberty casually drifting past outside the window to the blast of a foghorn at the end of the episode.
Brenda Cowling, Lionel Wheeler
Needed, Hurry Postman
Plastic Spacemen, Fingertip Slimming Test
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
Some of the Goodies finest work and one of the greatest comedy episodes of all time. Superb plot, unforgettable quotes and Graeme's finest moments of inspired power-hungry lunacy make it the first episode to spring to most people's minds when The Goodies are mentioned, which is testimony to its brilliance.
BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM
IIII Officially amazing
III Goody goody yum yum
II Fair-y punkmother
I Tripe on t' pikelets
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.
Your previous hosts E. BahGoom Shake-yaboom and T'Delicate Lady of T'Temple bravely attempted to foil t'Ecky Thump rebellion by ordering Black Pudding Bertha to be shipped off to t'nearest Jenny Craig clinic. However t'lure of t'well stocked afternoon tea trolley proved irresistible to Bertha who climbed aboard with E. Bahgoom and T'Delicate Lady for an out of control ride over t'edge of a quarry cliff (t'ultimate crash diet!).
While Graeme is salvaging the best bits for the reincarnation of Frankenfido, we'll move right along with a review of "CACTUS IN MY Y-FRONTS" by The Goodies, as reviewed by your dah-lingly gay DJ's The Midnight "Horses Hoof" (AKA Brett Allender) and Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers (AKA Alison Bean).
On their '70's album "Nothing To Do With Us" and in The Goodies "Almost Live" concert episode.
The Midnight "Horses Hoof": The tortuous tale of hapless cowpoof Two Gun Pierre who came down from Tennessee in his chic-chic pink bandanna with rose buds in his hair and a pair of leather chaps around his legs (hold on boys!). He soon finds that his lack of success in attracting a lover of any description is inhibited even further by his poor choice of location for a desperate leak at Cripple Creek. A somewhat amorous cactus renders him with a rather painful "prickly pair" and those brambles in his britches would be the equivalent of javelins in the jocks to any of those gay Californian rustlers or other prospective partners silly enough to try anything (despite his charming high heeled horseshoes all the way from gay Paree-ee-ee being a definite turn-on!). This leaves him to lament his loser status out by his no doubt rather camp-fire in the desert, with only his tap dancing horse ("oh what a great hoof!") and the yodelling coyote for company.
Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: It's hard enough being single without having to contend with a spike encrusted pair of dacks - that's what Two Gun Pierre found out. Still, you'd have thought that his spikes, when teamed with his leather jockstrap and pants of PVC, would have been appealing to fans of bondage. And maybe they were - Nevada cowgirl, Caroline, liked the feel of Two Gun's undies a lot, but he lucked out there too, because she ditched him for a porcupine. So much for going straight!
Or maybe he wasn't spiky enough. Whatever, his run of bad luck even extended to horse troubles. After buying a gentle gigi named Jacques he discovered that Jacques was so gentle that he could feel Two Gun's prickly bot despite his lovely sequined saddle, which resulted in Jacques almost breaking Two Gun's buckin' back. Ouch!
The Midnight "Horses Hoof": The sight of the Midnight Cowperson in his pink sequined gear singing his sad song of rejection by one and all after his excruciating experience is one of the real highlights of Goodies Almost Live, although it's not a total surprise that this "prong song" didn't make it onto their mainstream albums given it's sharply pointed humour. Definitely one guaranteed to bring tears to the eyes, mainly at the merest thought of suffering a similar fate of carting around a cactus in the crotch - one would only hope that Two Gun Pierre didn't have too much sudden excitement in his life for his own wellbeing! At least in these days of all-over body piercing he could save himself a fortune with his do-it-yourself kit and impress lots of Tennessee misses (and twilight zoners) in the process, even if his buckin' bronco doesn't appreciate the acupuncture very much.
Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: I too was much taken by the appearance of the Midnight Cowperson in The Goodies Almost Live (although I've never quite been able to work out whether he was a shaven Kenny Rogers on crack or an entrant in Mr Gay UK), but I'm happy to say that this song loses nothing in audio form. To compensate for the visual jokes such as "Fiddler, have you got your bow?", we are instead treated to punny lines like "alright horsey, hoof me" and "well I'll be hornswaggled, what are you gunna be?" (I shan't even resist the urge to say "your private life is no concern of ours" at this point!). This is one groovy tune and I never thought I'd say that about anything remotely country, it must be all that early k.d. lang I've been listening to.
Using the Black Pudding Ratings System:
MUSIC: The Midnight "Horses Hoof": IIII Officially Amazing; Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: IIII Officially Amazing.
SINGING: The Midnight "Horses Hoof": IIII Officially Amazing; Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: IIII Officially Amazing.
HUMOUR: The Midnight "Horses Hoof": IIIII Superstar; Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: IIII Officially Amazing.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: The Midnight "Horses Hoof" IIIII Superstar; Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers: IIII Officially Amazing.
* Next month's music review will be "I'M A TEAPOT".
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ
by quizmaster David McAnally firstname.lastname@example.org
1. Two of The Goodies have been nannies? Which of The Goodies were they - and of whom were they nannies?
2. In "Winter Olympics", why were the 'relief maps' given to The Goodies by the Minister of Sport so unusual?
3. What was dropped into the bucket over Graeme's head in the torture chamber in "Camelot"?
4. When Tim was having a bath in "Lighthouse Keeping Loonies", what was he wearing on his head - and what did people think when they saw Tim dressed in this article of clothing?
ANSWERS TO LAST MONTH'S QUESTIONS
1. What effect did the antidote to "Snooze" have on the English population?
A: It caused everyone to go at about 100 miles per hour.
2. What was unusual about the television set Graeme had in "The Lost Tribe of the Orinoco"?
A: It was made of canvas.
3. How many torture chambers were there in "Camelot"?
A: 2 (one was a chamberpot with nails).
4. Who was the Emperor when the Vandals struck in "Rome Antics"?
6. THE GOODIES RULE - OK! WEBSITE OF THE MONTH
Nominated by Penny Carlew, email@example.com.
I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again
Penny says: "It's definitely the best ISIRTA site on the web."
* Nominations for website of the month to firstname.lastname@example.org. *
In five days time a certain blonde Goody, who is reading this newsletter, turns 58. And so we thought we'd celebrate in style, by presenting him with a gift. But what do you get a man whose anagram is "rear lobotomy kite"? We first turned to the episode "A Kick In The Arts" for inspiration:
BILL: Guess what we got you for a birthday present.
GRAEME: Something you've always wanted.
TIM: Not an armadillo skin posing pouch?
BILL: Right…not an armadillo skin posing pouch.
…Maybe not. Luckily, the club's official Poet Laureate (who rules - OK) came to the rescue with something he describes as "from bard to verse":
BIRTHDAY TIDINGS TO TALENTED TIMBO
by Brett Allender
It's an honour that no Goody has ever seen
Though it's not a knighthood from the Queen
Nor is it that long awaited OBE
But a tribute in the Goodies Clarion & Globe.
Along with a thousand other loyal fans
I'll crank up the gramophone and proudly stand
A verse of "Land Of Hope" we'll sing
And dedicate this birthday ode to Tim.
The Goodies may have ended in '82
But Tim, here's a birthday treat for you
As so many fond memories still remain
I'd like to relive some of them again.
Like your Union Jack vest and flaxen haired mop
Defending England from "krauts, frogs and wops"
With stirring speeches to "Hope And Glory"
But when danger loomed, that's another story.
Panic attacks and freezing on the spot
Tipping the arms, yelling "I'm a teapot!"
That frequent blubbering high pitched whine
These are antics that soon spring to mind.
You had so many weird and wonderful roles
The masked shot-putter, falling down potholes
Tim Revolta, disco heaving and shiny shoes
Big Foot, the mumps and New Improved Snooze.
Flaunting your belly button at Christmas time
The Fairy Puff Man and Heenz Meenz Beenz rhymes
Drunk then Jewish when trapped in concrete
Punkarella, baby Churchill and wrestling sheep.
Brown Owl, woggle jokes and all those cold showers
A bunny gunned down after sniffing a flower
The Goodyfather, Texas Tim and County Cutie
That teary run in Black And White Beauty.
And what of the memorable musical fare
Like the Midnight Cowperson and his prickly pair
On "Top Of The Pops" and the Almost Live fling
Holding that embarrassed girl tight in Wild Thing!
But it's those cross-dress roles that were a real feature
Supernun, Barbara Woodhouse, Lady Macbeth and Timita
You probably hoped that I'd forgotten
About Mrs Cricklewood - wow she was a hot 'un!
Cecily's nanny with the Lady Constance voice
A women's lib protester was an unusual choice
The pepperpots in various mock advert scenes
You were Charlie's bride and even the Queen.
Our next video night could be fancy dress
But I can't go like your ladies, I sadly confess
'Coz I simply just ain't got the legs
And still the question of what to wear begs
I could quote Graeme's poem from "A Change Of Life"
But being "Hello Cheeky" will get me in strife
My Dad's your age too and I'm quite sure he would
Ecky thump me, bah goom, with a big black pud!
So on behalf of your legion of fans on the Net
Your role in The Goodies we'll never forget
From all of us in Britain, the States and Australia
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR!!!
(Brett would like to thank Nick, Kristen and Alison for their helpful suggestions and other valuable input.)
And that's it for this month, until next the 12th day appears on the desk calender of eternity, it's goodbye from all of us in C&G land.
This is an archive newsletter of The Goodies Rule - OK! International Fan Club (copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 1998). Some of the information in this newsletter may now be incorrect. Current information can be obtained from http://www.goodiesruleok.com