The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 45 12th September 1999

'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

1. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. PIRATE POST OFFICE - Your questions and opinions.

4. FEATURE ARTICLE - Engelbert and The Young Generation.

5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY #18 - Gender Education.

6. THE END - Undertaker's Song Book.

You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail carrot@oztek.net.au with your comments, ideas or suggestions.

GOODIES TALKBACK

Last Friday night (10th September) yours truly, spent the better part of an hour talking Goodies and plugging Kitten Kon with Tim Cox of ABC Local Radio's "Big Weekend". Many thanks to all those who rang in for the talkback afterwards, apparently you jammed the ABC's switchboard!

The caller of the night award must go to Lyle who couldn't watch The Goodies for weeks after a surfing accident, which left him with 13 stitches in his face, because it hurt too much to laugh.

Anyway, I had a blast and Tim Cox and the "Big Weekend" team are keen to do it again. We'll let you know if it happens.

KITTEN KON UPDATE

If you didn't managed to tune into "Big Weekend" last Friday then you won't be aware that we have now confirmed a venue for Kitten Kon: the Dallas Brooks Conference Centre. Located opposite the Fitzroy Gardens in the city of Melbourne, Dallas Brooks has apparently hosted everything from boxing matches to concerts by Dame Joan Sutherland and now it's hosting Kitten Kon.

Ticket prices for Kitten Kon will follow later this week and we'll let you know ASAP. But for now please direct all inquiries to Tracey Baird <tra4ce@bigpond.com>.

The Goodies Rule - OK! website has won another award. We have been chosen as Website Of The Month by the excellent Britcom Connection site at < http://users.townsqr.com/jam/britco~1.htm >. Our new award will be up on our site shortly.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen a Goodie recently, e-mail carrot@oztek.net.au with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

GOODIES BACK ON UK TV

from Justine @ UK TV

Just thought you would like to know that UK TV is screening The Goodies series 1 from 13 October 1999 at 11pm. Episodes will go to air on Wednesday ,Thursday and Friday nights at 11pm.

Bill Oddie has been presenting a week of ornithology documentaries on the digital channel BBC Choice from Monday 6th September to Friday 10th September (excluding Tuesday where the great god of sport got in the way), with Friday's documentary being Bill's own 'Birding with Bill Oddie - London and Farming'. On Thursday's strand, Bill recalled his wildlife honeymoon in New Guinea as an introduction to his favourite documentary 'Attenborough in Paradise - a Natural World Special'.

IS MADONNA A CLOSET GOODIES FAN?

I found this on the net at < http://houstongayweb.com/writers.html >:

"At least, that's what English erotica has come to mean - ankles, breezes and vicious floggings. The idea of American erotica is hard to grasp at first, associating their behaviour as we do with either cheesecake or the charnel-house. Their accents don't help; 'erotic' invariably comes out as 'erodick'. My friend Emma F thought for ages that Madonna was singing 'Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, put your hands all over my body' on the title track of her album Erotica."

I've never heard the song so I don't know what the real lyrics are but they *can't* be better than this. ;)

BILL IS LE MAN AGAIN

by Catherine Sumnall

Bill Oddie whizzed across our television screens on a daytime TV feature concerning cycling celebrities. Er, that's about it.

by Catherine Sumnall

In a recent edition of the "News Quiz" (Radio 4's even funnier answer to the excellent "Have I Got News For You") the inimitable Jeremy Hardy gave this as his press cutting (NB. this is from memory and therefore probably hopelessly inaccurate): "I was talking to my friend Graeme Garden in Oxfordshire last week, 'cos we were smashing up hotels in a cocaine-fuelled frenzy [big laugh from audience] and he told me he'd heard on the news something about police recruitment from ethnic minorities. A West Indian spokesman stood up and said: 'We've got a lot of bright intelligent young people in this community. We don't want them joining the police force'."

HELLO JOHN, ERIC!

by Catherine Sumnall

Another month, another Monty Python book to review. I'm not complaining too loudly though, firstly because I can tolerate healthy competition to Goodiemania (when it eventually surfaces) and secondly I'm rather keen on The Knights Who Say Ni myself. Anyway, the inexorable list of spam orientated books continues with "Monty Python - A Celebration" by Richard Topping, released to coincide the Flying Circus's 30th anniversary (which is the 5th October, I believe, for those remotely interested). This is definitely more in the light reading category and is not as detailed/obsessive (delete as you feel appropriate) as Robert Ross's more, well encyclopaedic I suppose, fine bible of the tinned meat.

"A Celebration" is certainly not intended to be a reference tool, rather more of a nostalgia inducing trip back to the days of the fish slapping dance, lucid lumberjacks, Michael Palin when he was a parody of Alan

Whicker, not a contemporary and the tragic use of sacrificial parrots for one infamous sketch, never to be repeated, unless of course you happen to have UK Gold.

"I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" gets a predictably good press in the Eric Idle, Graham Chapman and John Cleese biographies and despite the fact that there was no direct mention of The Goodies, some rare photos of Tim popped up in "At Last The 1948 Show" and alongside Peter Cook in a Footlights Revue. There is probably much more if you have the time to check and it's worth taking the opportunity for the few connections alone, even though it is invariably dedicated to our cousins in the sketch format.

by Catherine Sumnall

Contrary to one possible interpretation, I'm not attempting to shift some of the C&G focus onto Monty Python - well, not too hard anyway - but with their second coming well under way it is impossible to avoid the new wave of people screeching: "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy" at every conceivable opportunity.

For those who sit in apathy watching Python waiting for William, Timbo and Graybungles to put aside their bird-watching, Derby County-supporting and world domination respectively and do something next year, all is not lost. Monty Python's recent coverage in the British media (e.g.: "Clearly we haven't had nearly enough of Monty Python. I no longer care if they're old and decrepit or if they write annoying books. We need more of them and we need them now. The BBC might like to extend its anniversary celebrations to an entire season.") can only help people to remember fondly OTHER aspects of ground breaking '70s comedy: one programme immediately springs to mind...

There is even another reason to rejoice in their 30th anniversary (I've worked hard here, you can tell) there will undoubtedly be some clips of other pre-Goodies classics such as "At Last The 1948 Show", "Twice A Fortnight" and "How To Irritate People"; providing much-needed work for struggling Spotters and raising the profile of the artists formerly known as "Superchaps Three".

So, altogether now: "This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's gone to meet its maker! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-parrot!"

HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE

Found this sample chapter of "Monty Python Speaks", which talks about the formation of the Python group and contains numerous mentions of all three Goodies at http://cnn.com/books/beginnings/9907/monty.python/

I'LL PWUMP FOR A FWEEZE

by David Balston and Jonathan Sloman

On last Friday's edition of "Call My Bluff", the special guests were Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden. In case you don't know, "Call My Bluff" is a popular daytime quiz in which one team has to bluff the other team with false definitions of a word. It is presented by Bob Holness and the team captains are Sandy Toksvig and Alan Coren, who shares the Goodies' passion for Cricklewood. On Sandy Toksvig's team were Thelma Barlow (from Coronation Street) and Graeme, whilst Alan Coren's team consisted of Sue McGregor (I think she's from the BBC's Breakfast News) and Timbo.

Sandi introduced Graeme as being 'too clever by half, so we thought we'd have all of him, that Goody-two-shoes Graeme Garden!'. Alan commented on the fact that he and 'Dr' Tim Brooke-Taylor both went to St. Andrews and

both were subsequently expelled! Commenting on Alan's 'Doctor' remark, Sandi said she felt a little pain. Tim asked her to take her clothes off! She didn't, as the pain was Alan.

The first word, for Sandi's team, was 'worble'. Graeme said it was pronounced 'werble' as in 'word' and 'work'. He claimed it was an animal disease for small rodents, such as rats and mice and was a type of mange caused by mites. Wondering why country folk would have a word for diseased vermin, he said it was because it can be passed to domestic animals such as cats or dogs and that if a cat carried in a 'worbled mouse' it would have to be covered with grease to kill the mites. Hence the expression 'To grease the cat'. Alan, having to guess whether this is true or not,

believes this story, but is convinced by Sue to choose Sandi's story, that it means 'to wriggle'. He is right, but he still believes Graeme's convincing bluff.

Next month I'll send you Timbo's definition of 'killcrop' and why he thinks he isn't a Piglet (despite the snazzy pink suit!).

1. A bit of Goodies trivia for you all. The American General (that was in the Tomato Soup episode) was played by Australian John Bluthal. Best known in Australia for being in the original Oils Ain't Oils ads, plus a lot of other things. I've seen him other British shows of the time, so he must have been living and working over there.

2. On my local radio station, one of the questions for a quiz was: "Which of the Goodies left the show to be a full time bird watcher?" I'm driving to work, screaming at the radio! They gave a hint in that he was short. The

caller's answer: "Oh, Tim Brew-Taylor?" Even the people on the radio couldn't believe she hadn't got it.

** To join in the fun of Goodies-L e-mail <listserv@lss.com.au> with SUBSCRIBE GOODIES-L FIRSTNAME LASTNAME in the body of your message. **

3. PIRATE POST OFFICE

Got a comment, opinion or question about the C&G, the club or The Goodies itself? If so, drop us a line at carrot@oztek.net.au. Your contribution may be kept anonymous if preferred, however fans of ISIHAC (and particularly Mornington Crescent) are warned that any letters from a 'Mrs Trellis of North Wales' will be duly fed to the sheep (or the hamsters!).

In this section last month we discussed the lines cut from The End when it released on video in Australia. Many thanks to all those who sent in the missing piece, which is in the square brackets in the following section of dialogue:

Tim: I've not been easy to live with.

Bill: No you haven't, that's absolutely correct, he hasn't you know.

Tim: Pay no attention to him. [He's pissed.

QUESTION from Beren Davidson

I'm only new to the Goodies club and so you've probably covered this issue a million times, but I was just wondering if you or anyone at the fan club knows why there is only two videos available to buy of Goodies episodes. I already have both and I hunger for memories.

ANSWER by Alison Bean

It seems that there have only been two videos released because they haven't been selling very well. I know, it's odd isn't it? But they haven't sold well in Britain because so few people there seem to remember The Goodies. Here in Australia many people have taped the shows off the ABC or Foxtel and so haven't felt the need to buy them. And considering the Australian releases had annoying cuts in them, I can sort of understand that. Then again, one of the callers to "Big Weekend" the other night was surprised to discover that there were videos available, so maybe the people that want to buy them don't know? Who can tell? Anyway, the fact is that they haven't been selling as well as they should have been and so it seems unlikely that there will be any more video releases. My only advice is to contact BBC Worldwide who distribute BBC videos and demand more releases. You can find their contact details at the BBC website < http://www.bbc.co.uk/ >.

4. FEATURE ARTICLE

ENGELBERT WITH THE YOUNG GENERATION

These thirteen forty-five minute variety shows were a co-production between the BBC and the German station ZDF, who - around this time - also did two German Monty Python’s Flying Circus specials. The notion was that a three or four minute film sequence from The Goodies would feature (either specially filmed or culled from the first two seasons), with most editions also having the show’s host, Engelbert Humperdinck, visiting the Goodies’ office.

However, the Goodies would not actually take part in the main recordings of the shows, the bulk of which would be Engelbert’s songs, dancing from The Young Generation and the main music guest of the week. The trio would either appear on film only or in pre-recorded sequences with Engelbert on the office set that had been taped in two separate studio sessions.

The first insert tape, VTR/75255, was recorded between 2.30pm and 3.30pm in Studio TC8 on 10th December 1971, prior to the studio recording for Charity Bounce. The three sequences recorded were to introduce:

The second insert tape, VTR/76910/ED, was recorded on the office set during January 1972; the afternoon recording on Nice Person of the Year was devoted to inserts for the main recording in the evening. This other session comprises:

The bulk of the shows were then recorded at the BBC’s Television Theatre between 8.00pm and 10.00pm a week in advance of transmission (except the edition of 27th February which was only six days in advance); much of the show was recorded twice, in both English and German. Each show was scheduled to air on BBC1 at 7.25pm on a Sunday night and the shows ran for a nominal 45 minutes. The Goodies’ contracts for the series are dated 17 January 1972 - after the broadcast of the first two shows; the first edition of Engelbert actually went out between the BBC2 debut broadcasts of Charity Bounce and Nice Person of the Year which concludes the second season. The Goodies sections of the Engelbert shows were credited as being written by Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie with Tim Brooke-Taylor - as with the standard episodes.

Seven new film inserts were shot for Engelbert with The Young Generation around January/early February time; these debut in late February, by which time the Goodies were filming the new Montreux version of Kitten Kong. Elements of these film sequences later found their way into the title sequences of The Goodies from Season Three onwards and have baffled many fans of the series as to their origin. Unfortunately, because the main sequences were shot on 16mm film, they do not feature in the camera scripts and their content is unclear; the recorded inserts with the Engelbert however were retained in the camera scripts and I have attempted to give a flavour of their content in the subsequent list.

On 25th February 1972, Duncan Wood - the Head of Comedy - wrote to the Goodies about a "Special Compilation Programme" which would use new linking material of four or five minutes duration to join together four or five of the seven inserts newly filmed for the Engelbert shows. He suggested a provision of filming for two days in early April and then one day studio recording in mid-April. The team were contracted for the programme on 9th March when the project was entitled "Goodies Compilation", with a single studio recording day planned for the end of April. The items chosen for the compilation were The Gym (4’30": now entitled Gymnasium), The Plum Pudding (3’42"), Pan’s Grannies (2’54"), Good Deed Day - Babies (2’19") and Street Entertainers (4’58"). The linking material was recorded on 26 April 1972 - about a month after the remake of Kitten Kong - under the title "A Collection of Goodies" (1152/2229 - VTC/6HT/78596/ED). The full programme ran to 24’03" and went out on BBC1 at 8.15pm on 24th September 1972; it was repeated on BBC1 at 5.05pm on 27 December 1972 and again at 7.45pm on 29 August 1974 at the of repeats of season four. An extract from "A Collection of Goodies" was subsequently shown on "Ask Aspel" around 17 October 1972, with a further extract, prompted by the repeat, on the edition of 7 January 1973.

Only one edition of the show was retained by the BBC - a colour videotape of the 27 February edition which included The Gym which is now held on D3 tape. Thus it would seem that The Country Code and Bodyguards join the original Kitten Kong as missing Goodies material; thankfully, A Collection of Goodies is held on D3.

In the following list, the title of each segment is as given on the camera scripts; these correspond with the Programme-as-Broadcast sheets for all except the first four and eighth shows.

Pets (9th January 1972: 1241/1712 - VTC/6HT/76595/ED)

Engelbert explains to the audience that he needs to have his pets exercised, and goes to hire the Goodies to do the job. In the office, he finds them lounging around, hoping that a stinking rich loony will arrive and offer them a cushy job. They are overjoyed by Engelbert’s assignment of exercising his animals. This leads into the film sequence from Kitten Kong.

Music: Dumb Animals.

Pop Festival (16th January 1972: 1241/1713 - VTC/6HT/76639/ED)

Engelbert visits the Goodies and explains that he is producing an open air pop festival and wants them to help him organise it. Included, he wants a Glee Club, a rock’n’roll band and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. This leads into the film sequence from The Music Lovers.

Music: Philharmonic Glee Club Rock and Roll Band.

Keep Fit (23rd January 1972: 1241/1714 - VTC/6HT/76872/ED)

When Engelbert visits the Goodies’ office this week, they cannot believe that it is the singer himself! The real Engelbert is so slim and fit! Engelbert explains that he is too busy to exercise and so the Goodies offer to do his exercise for him. This leads into the film sequence from The Commonwealth Games.

Post Office (30th January 1972: 1241/1715 - VTC/6HT/77279/ED)

Engelbert’s request this week when he visits the office is a very simple one; he just wants the Goodies to post some letters for him. However, Graeme reveals that he has some fantastic plans for a whole new postal service, which he outlines to Engelbert, Tim and Bill. This leads into the film sequence from Pirate Radio.

Music: Song of the GPO.

Sleepwalking (6th February 1972: 1241/1716 - VTC/6HT/77339/ED)

Engelbert has terrible insomnia and so goes to see the Goodies for a cure. Graeme’s main idea is to play Engelbert his own recording of The Last Waltz, as this puts most people to sleep. While there is no effect on Engelbert, Bill is soon asleep and walking out of the office, so Tim and Graeme must catch him. This leads into the film sequence from Snooze.

Music: Sleepwalking.

Factory Farm (13th February 1972: 1241/1717 - VTC/6HT/77341/ED)

Engelbert has been working too hard and so had bought a farm where he can relax on his days off. Unfortunately, he is so busy that he cannot get down there for the next 37 years. A visit to the Goodies’ office gains him the trio’s help in minding the farm until he can get down there and Graeme plans some labour saving modifications. This leads into the film sequence from Factory Farm.

Music: Factory Farm.

Good Deed Day (20th February 1972: 1241/1718 - VTC/6HT/77321/ED)

Engelbert has had a letter from a viewer asking "Why are the Goodies called the Goodies?" He explains that this had rather hurt the team, who have spent the entire afternoon attempting to live up to their name. This leads into a new film sequence.

Music: What Do I Have To Do To Make You Love Me? (as heard in Give Police A Chance).

Also appearing in the film sequence - uncredited - was Tessa Landers.

The Gym (27th February 1972: 1241/1719 - VTC/6HT/77621/ED)

Engelbert has had another letter from a viewer, asking "How do the Goodies move so fast?" This, he explains, is because of a great deal of hard training and he shows the new film of the Goodies keeping in shape in the gym.

Music: Goodies Music

Also appearing in the film sequence - uncredited - were Vi Ward, Reg Bundy, Bobby McNichol and Willie Bowman.

The Country Code (5th March 1972: 1241/1720 - VTC/6HT/77806/ED)

Engelbert apologises for the fact that the Goodies are not here tonight; they have been very busy making an official film for the Government about what to do in the countryside and he can now offer the viewers a sneak preview.

Also appearing in the film sequence - uncredited - were Reginald Dodd, Pat Gordino, Paul Kirby and Chris Hodge.

Street Entertainers (12th March 1972: 1241/1721 - VTC/6HT/77997/ED)

Engelbert again apologises for the Goodies not being around. The trio are currently appearing at an engagement in London’s West End. This leads into a new film sequence of the trio trying to make some cash as street entertainers.

Music: There’s No Business Like Show Business.

Also appearing in the film sequence - uncredited - were Peter Roy and Susanne France with dancers Diane Greaves, Joanne Robinson, Jane Lee, Jenny Dunster, Linda Seward, Stephanie Lawrence, Maggie Baxter, Jenny Lee Wright and Valerie Barrett.

Plum Pudding (19th March 1972: 1241/1722 - VTC/6HT/77989/ED)

Engelbert visits the Goodies and finds that they are facing a financial crisis; because he has not paid them for so long they have been forced to take in washing for the stars. Graeme is doing Tom Jones’ washing - which includes a miner’s helmet. Engelbert has a plum pudding with him and when he shows this to the starving Goodies, the ravenous Bill grabs it and runs off with it to eat it all himself. This leads into the new film sequence.

Music: Catch Me If You Can.

Also appearing in the film sequence - uncredited - were Hugh Elton, Mike Cox, Linda Regan, Rochelle Asselm, Candice Brandl and Terry Leigh. Farnham Football Team are listed as appearing in the film sequences for this show. The sequence also included stock footage 16mm footage of the England v West Germany World Cup Final from 1966.

Bodyguards (26th March 1972: 1241/1723 - VTC/6HT/78326/ED)

When Engelbert visits the Goodies’ office, he finds that they are playing darts - and using his photograph as the dart-board. The trio offer to be his personal bodyguards, and Bill reasons that the best way of proving their worth to him is by showing that they can protect a photograph of him. This leads into the new film sequence.

Music: One More Chance.

Pan’s Grannies (2nd April 1972: 1241/1724 - VTC/6HT/78291/ED)

Engelbert addresses the audience and explains that he has received a letter from the mothers of The Goodies. The old ladies very much like ‘The Young Generation’ but would also like to see something from their own age groups. To this end, they have enclosed some film of ‘The Old Generation’ - Pan’s Grannies! This leads into the film sequence.

Music: Pan’s Grannies.

Also appearing in the film sequence - uncredited - were Suzanne France, Ricky Newby, Russell Grant, Mark Denison, Bill Gaylor, Derek Tobias, Nigel Stevens.

5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY no 18

Every other C&G we are proud to present one of Brett Allender's brilliant Goodies Episode Summaries. If you enjoy this summary we encourage you to buy his book of them, the proceeds of which will go to Kitten Kon. For more details head to < http://thegoodies.oztek.com.au/summary.html >.

Series 2 - Episode 11

First screened: 24th December 1971

Tim and Graeme spend a relaxing evening at home listening to the gramophone, but they get the suspicion that they are being spied on. From behind a clump of leaves, a frumpy old bat emerges and introduces herself as Mrs Desiree Carthorse from the 'Keep Filth Off Television' campaign. She has a job which she can only entrust to someone with a responsible attitude to watching television (that is, not watching it at all!).

At this point, Bill returns from the movies and wants to tell them all about the 'wildlife' film he saw ('Torrid Nudes Of Grope City' - great title!!), which forces some very hasty cover-up work from Tim and Graeme. The job involves making a sex education film for schoolchildren using the script written by Mrs Carthorse, which covers all the "dirty things" and "rude bits" with white sheets (along with all of the props and characters too!).

Mrs Carthorse immediately condemns the film without even watching it ("Why should I change the habit of a lifetime!") after she sees the word g-e-n-d-e-r in the opening credits and in no time, the Goodies' name is mud. A lecturer, priest and scoutmaster call for them to be flogged and Tim receives a nasty message from his Mummy, but the prospect of outspoken MP Sir Reginald Wheelbarrow airing his views on television gives them an opportunity to set things right.

They visit Parliament during the afternoon break (as MP's race around everywhere like schoolkids) and they lure Reggie to the gate with bigger and bigger lollypops before they belt him unconscious with the largest one and take his place on the current affairs program, all hidden behind a monster moustache. They convince the presenter that the film is "harmless and innocent" before being found out off-camera. Rather than being upset, the BBC wants them to produce some really violent shows to satisfy the viewing public and Bill is more than happy to oblige.

After four days of disgustingly brutal tv shows, Bill is totally corrupted and ready to shoot the death scene from Cinderella ("the kids love it!"), but Tim, Graeme and Mrs Carthorse ride the trandem to the film set in an attempt to stop him. They find weapons and gory scenes everywhere and after Buttons the clown mows down Sinders in the St.Valentines Day massacre, the bloodlust sends Bill completely berserk. After he disposes of Mrs Carthorse by murmuring "Knickers!" in her ear, Bill runs amok and guns everybody down with a hail of bullets from his camera (while Tim and Graeme hide in a large pot). Bill calms down, returns to his studio, cheerfully greets Mrs Carthorse and watches his playback, but suddenly gets the urge to strangle her before he pulls the main power switch and sends a trail of flames spurting along the cable towards the BBC headquarters.

Graeme and Tim try to extinguish the flames, but are stopped at the gate and the BBC goes up with a big bang. Upon returning home, Tim does some knitting, Graeme threatens to do his Rolf Harris impersonation on the banjo and Bill sits still with white glasses on to avoid being corrupted again. Mrs Carthorse returns to thank them, but is bored from having no tv coverage to turn off in disgust and asks what people do when they have nothing to watch. Bill's telescope reveals two lovebirds making their own entertainment and a horrified Mrs Carthorse strides off along the street, as she shakes her fist and yells "Stop it! Stop it!", while the Goodies open the door to three very attractive maidens, then proceed to play chess with them!

* Mrs Carthorse (MC): "I don't find you reading dirty books, looking at filthy television programs and playing around with girls. You are obviously ..."

Tim: " Unlucky ... no, no, we're pure, pure ...!"

* MC: "I'm going to watch television all evening in case they show any more titillating close-ups of Robert Dougall's lips!"

Narrator of gender education film: "Now we all know about the rude bits. Aren't they rude! And as we grow up, they get ruder and ruder!"

* MC: "If I had my way, nobody would know the facts of life until they were over sixty and by then it would be too late for them to do anything about it!"

* Bill: "It is Mrs Carthorse, isn't it ?" MC: "Yes."

Bill: "What does your husband do ?" MC: "He keeps his distance!"

* TV Presenter (describing the Goodies film): "Obscene, dirty, squalid, scabrous, salacious, lewd, randy, rude, outrageous, lubricious ... and a bit off!"

* Bill (to an outraged MC): "Shoosh, shoosh, come here, c'mon, come a bit closer, c'mon ... Knickers!"

MC: "Oooooh!" (collapses in shock)

Tim: "You've killed her!" Bill: "Yes, good!!"

* Tim and Graeme's desperate attempts to shield Bill's vivid description of the 'wildlife' film he has just been watching ('Torrid Nudes Of Grope City'!) from Mrs Carthorse - "birds with big wings and door knockers" and all that!

* After warning the Goodies not to mention "S-E-" (/-\ hand gestures), Mrs Carthorse leaves the room and Bill grumbles "How are we supposed to make a film like that without mentioning sex!". An irate Mrs Carthorse reappears and sprays Bill with a mighty blast of air freshener before stalking out again.

* The gender education film 'How To Make Babies By Doing Dirty Things', with all of the characters and props (including flowers, chocolates and even the birds and the bees) covered in sterile white sheets. Graeme has to cover his eyes and sheepishly point to the "rude bits" and even the man and lady holding hands is covered with a 'censored' sign in the script written by Mrs Carthorse.

* Bill going berserk while filming his violent movie, including hurling knives, chasing Graeme and Tim wielding an axe, peppering his cast members with gunfire from a camera then calmly walking back to his studio as if nothing has happened before flipping again and trying to strangle Mrs Carthorse. His mad rampage ends with the BBC headquarters going 'kaboom' in spectacular fashion (to quite a few canned cheers too!)

* Mrs Carthorse asking what people do when they are not watching television and Bill showing her two lovebirds in action through his telescope. This produces a horrified shriek and the classic footage of Mrs Carthorse wandering down the street continually yelling "Stop it! Stop it!", while the Goodies relieve their own boredom with the company of three very pretty girls (for a game of chess!)

Beryl Reid, Richard Wattis, Alex Macintosh, John Lawrence, Jim Collier, Valerie Stanton, Tony West

In Tim's interview in the 'Clarion and Globe', he claims that the most painful moment of the Goodies lives was receiving a telegram at the end of Series 1 from British morals campaigner Mary Whitehouse congratulating them on making such a good clean show. This episode proved to be the big-time payback, with Beryl Reid doing a sensationally wicked sendup as Desiree Carthorse in one of the greatest guest roles for the entire run of the show. Add in some crazed violence from a corrupted Bill and heaps of funny quotes and scenes, and it makes for a top episode

THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

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October: Music Review - "Please Let Us Play"

November: Episode Summary #19 - Charity Bounce.

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As usual in The End we'll sign off with some sign off material from "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue", the hilarious BBC radio show featuring Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer and chaired by Humphrey Lyttelton. This excerpt comes from an episode several years ago, when Willie Rushton was still alive and doing the show.

The round is "Undertaker's Songbook" - titles and first lines of tunes which funeral directors would dig!

Barry: "Champion the wonder hearse."

Willie: "Some embalming evening...you may stuff a stranger!"

Graeme: "I'm getting buried in the morning."

Willie: "She wore an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka dot winding sheet!"

Tim: "Top hat and nails."

Graeme: "I dig it my way!"

Willie: "Tie a yellow ribbon round a cemetery!"

Barry: "I Can't Get No Putrefaction by the Rolling Bones!"

Willie: "The old Engelbert...Please deep freeze me!"

Tim: "You're just my Jack in a box!"

Humph: "And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the frisky tom cat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity..."

The C&G Team: ...we notice it's the end of the C&G, until next month, when the C&G will be out three days late. Which brings to mind this rather silly sequence from Scoutrageous:

Tim: "I'm late, I'm late for a very important date. No time to say Hello..."

Graeme & Bill: "Goodbye. He's late, he's late, he's late - ee ee!"

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This is an archive newsletter of The Goodies Rule - OK! International Fan Club (copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 1999). Some of the information in this newsletter may now be incorrect. Current information can be obtained from http://www.goodiesruleok.com

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