The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

CLUB WEBSITE

http://www.goodiesruleok.com

E-MAIL ADDRESSES

Newsletter enquiries: clarion@goodiesruleok.com

General enquiries: enquiries@goodiesruleok.com

POSTAL ADDRESS

'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

P.O. Box 325

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

EDITOR

- Brett Allender

ACE REPORTERS

- David Balston

- Kay Dickinson

- Lisa Manekofsky

FAB FEATURE WRITER

- Andrew Pixley

QUOTEMASTER:

- Brian Labza

CROSSWORD WHIZ

- David McAnally

C&G CONTRIBUTORS:

Alison Bean, Marilyn Burge, Tim, Ian Greaves

CONTENTS

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you.

2. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.

3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

4. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

5. FEATURE ARTICLE - Kitten Kong: 1971-style.

6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - That Old Black Magic

7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

8. GOODIES CROSSWORD - a Goodie challenge to start the year with.

1. QUIZ & QUOTE

QUOTE: At least two guest stars utter this phrase: "I only ever wanted to be a zookeeper!"

(a) Which parts are they playing and which episodes are they in?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode on "South Africa".

(b) What is the inscription on the sign for the South African Tourist Board?

(d) What is the new form of segregation implemented once all of the black people leave South Africa?

(e) Who does this new form of segregation affect?

(f) Which classic Goodies song is played while Bill is fleeing from the police?

(g) How does Bill propose to bring Tim and Graeme down to his size?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

2. BOFFO IDEAS

You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:

IT'S GIBBON UP TIME!

(by Brett Allender)

Well here we all are in the year 2001 and a bit ... and while there is no sign yet of a young Bill Brooke-Taylor delivering patriotic speeches with a crazy hairdo or a Graeme Oddie crashing through the door in gridiron gear playing the all-new fad sport of 'rolleregg', the new millennium has still ushered in a few changes for the 'Good Ship Saucy GROK' even though it remains safely moored outside the five mile limit.

The main change is that as of today, I am stepping down from my position of Acting President of the 'Goodies Rule – OK' fan club and former club Vice President Catherine Carter has been appointed as the new club President. Catherine has been putting in a great deal of effort "behind the scenes" with welcoming new members and answering various enquiries to date and I know that she will do an excellent job with continuing on the tremendous work of founding club President Alison Bean.

I was asked by a fellow club member this week if my resignation was due to "a scandal involving cigars, stained dresses and strange women?!" I should be so lucky! :} Sadly it's due to a far less exciting reason in that there has been a considerable amount of restructuring in my workplace recently and the next few months look like being a rather turbulent period with possibly a lot of demands on my spare time, especially if transfer to another worksite or redundancy suddenly become choices that I have to consider.

However I will still be very much involved with the fan club as I am continuing with my role as Editor of the C&G. All newsletter contributions and enquiries specifically about the C&G can be sent to me at <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>; however all general enquiries about the fan club or 'The Goodies' itself should be directed to <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com> or to Catherine directly at <president@goodiesruleok.com>. Up-to-date contact information is also available from the club website.

As I have been Acting President for the past eight months since Alison left for her working holiday in the UK, there is a Kitten Kong-sized list of people that I would like to thank for their assistance and encouragement. Special thanks to Catherine for her great work as Vice Prez, Alison for her support from afar, Tim Aslat for the effort that he has poured into the new website, the GROK committee members, and Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden for their fabulous support of the club, but also sincere thanks to all club members who have been in contact with their enquiries, ideas and encouragement.

Unfortunately there has been the odd occasion where people have taken the opportunity to use me and/or the fan club up to obtain information or other items that they require, only to fail to deliver on their own promises to assist me and/or the club in turn. Thankfully these have been isolated instances and the vast majority of people who have been in contact with me have been genuine, so in the words of Lady Constance de Coverlet: "the pleasure is all mine!"

I look forward to continuing to bring you the C&G news each month and ask that you support our new President Catherine in the same way that you have supported myself and Alison in the past. Best of luck Catherine, it will be a lot of fun!

ASK TIM A QUESTION!

Our resident Goodie, Tim Brooke-Taylor, has kindly agreed to another Question & Answer session for the C&G, so for those of you who couldn't make it to the Kitten Kon convention in Melbourne last Easter (or even for those of you who did), here's your opportunity to ask Tim that question about 'The Goodies' or one of his other projects which you've always longed for an answer to! Send your questions for Tim in to <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.

SIGNED PHOTOS

Signed photographs of Graeme Garden are now available for purchase through the fan club. These are 13cm x 18cm (5x7) black and white portrait photos of Graeme post-Goodies (1990's) and are available for $15 each (including postage). Ordering information can be obtained via <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.

There are also a limited number (5) of signed Goodies group photos remaining for sale. These are 13cm x 18cm (5x7) black and white photos of the three Goodies in their t-shirts from the 1970's with the signatures of Graeme Garden, Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor and are available for $45 each (including postage). These will be sold on a "first come, first served" basis with a limit of one photo per applicant, and expressions of interest can be sent to <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>. Ordering information will then be sent out to the first five applicants, then sent to others in turn down the list if any of the initial applicants decide not to purchase the photo.

3. SPOTTED!!!

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

BILL IN PLATFORMS@XMAS

(by Kay Dickinson - posted to Goodies-l on 28th December)

Here's the transcript of the interview with Bill Oddie, from the Platforms@Xmas programme on BBC1 on 21st December.

The piece on The Goodies opens with shot of the Goodies riding the trandem, pulling along a pink trailer with "Goodies 5-minute Christmas" sign on it. The presenter of the programme announces that, "The major comedy contenders were The Goodies - slapstick stooges for the spacehopper generation".

Bill Oddie: There was this obsession, I remember, within the music business, of getting your record out - that perfect timing, which was probably released mid-October. [adopts bad cockney accent] It'll take a few weeks y'know to start moving y'know - you'll get a bullet after 3 or 4 weeks and then y'know you'll be up the charts, then you get Top of the Pops, you're made - and whoever said that, in that disgraceful cockney accent, was absolutely right! [laughs] 'Cos that's really what happened to us!

Clip of Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me is played, along with more clips from the 1972 Christmas Special - of Bill, dressed as Father Christmas, stuck up the chimney, with Tim and Graeme trying to pull him down through the fireplace, succeeding only in stretching his legs, trying to push him back up and having his head pop in and out of the chimney pot as they pull his legs up and down. A clip is then shown of Bill, still dressed as Father Christmas and now out of the chimney, taking presents out of his sack for the little orphan boy they are doing their 5-minute show for, finding a girl in the sack, whom he then chases, laughing evilly. The final clip is of the same girl, being carried by Bill to the bed the Goodies have set up for the little orphan boy, throwing her on it, and pouncing on her - Tim and Graeme have to come to her rescue.

Bill's voice over the clips explains:

... doing that very consciously, where I was getting together a "lets write a naughty Christmas record" and so that's how Father Christmas came about - it was an antidote to what we thought was happening at the time. I'm sure "Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me" was banned from playlists, yeah I'm sure it was [giggles] well, fair enough, it was a pretty naughty record, and it got naughtier - it was one of those where you say, well sorry, just because at the end it's going "ohh, ohh" y'know - instead of "Oh, Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me" - at the beginning it sounds fine, but it just ends up with people going, "ohh!" [laughs] - what is this implying? That the large jolly man in the red suit is not all that he seems, you know? [giggles] - it was a pretty dodgy record actually, I just remember the line [gruff voice] "I can't stand little girls - bigger ones are better!" which was the naughty Father Christmas. I look at the cuttings from the following year when we did another Christmas record called, what was it, "Make A Daft Noise For Christmas"

Clip of The Goodies performing "Make A Daft Noise", all wearing the Union Flag waistcoats, with Tim peeking over the presenter's shoulder as he announces them.

Bill: It didn't do anything like as well - it "charted" as they say - I think it was in the top 20 for a couple of weeks, something like that.

There was a big interview in Melody Maker, with me saying, "Yes, we have sold out" [laughs] - from what?! [laughs again] what integrity did we ever have? [continues giggling]

GOODIES RECORDS FEATURE

(by Ian Greaves - posted to Goodies-l on 3rd January)

The latest issue of Record Collector Magazine, #257 (dated Jan 2001) contains a three page feature on The Goodies records, written by Martin O'Gorman.

E-mail admin@parkermead.co.uk for the subscriptions department. I'm sure they can sort out copies.

CLOCKED WITH A POLICEMAN!

(by Kay Dickinson - posted to Goodies-l on 8th January)

A report from Saturday's Independent states:

"The birdwatcher Bill Oddie, 59, has escaped a driving ban after being clocked at 86mph in a 50mph zone. The former Goodie was caught on the M5 near Bristol but magistrates in Yate, Gloucestershire, spared him a ban, imposing a £300 fine and six penalty points."

At least he didn't get five years' hard labour for it - although had he struck up a chorus of "Wild Thing" when he was pulled up by the police, he may have had them falling at his feet and got away with it! The report doesn't say when Bill was actually caught - if it had been Christmas Eve, he might have been on his way to visit Jane Fonda on his skateboard and could have claimed mitigating circumstances!

PRIMED FOR MORE GOODIES REPEATS

(by Lisa Manekofsky)

After a short absence, "The Goodies" series is returning to the satellite channel BBC Prime. The series is currently scheduled to be shown at midnight on Fridays (or, technically, early Saturday mornings at 00:00 to 00:30).

To see a complete list of countries where BBC Prime is available please check their website at www.bbcprime.com. BTW, people might be interested to learn that BBC Prime is now subtitling "The Goodies" in the local language in several countries. I think one of the more interesting ones to consider is that Hebrew subtitles are available in Israel. I'd have loved to see the translators working out how to write the Northerisms from the "Ecky Thump" episode in Hebrew!

JUST WHAT MAKES THE GOODIES SO GOOD?

(contributed by Marilyn Burge)

(from "TV Week" magazine circa 1982)

Just what makes The Goodies so good?

A mixture of The Goons and Monty Python humor laced with madcap stunts from silent movie greats like Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton.

"It's a show for all grown-up kids and adults who aren't so grown up.", Goodies producer Bob Spiers said.

"I'm always amazed that millions of kids go out of their way to watch The Goodies, because it's really a show for adults."

"The scripts are quite risque, particularly in the latest series."

"we have had a field day with the royal family, apartheid, and violence on the football terraces which we expect to stir up quite a bit of controversy." Spiers revealed.

The crazy trio – Tim Brooke-Taylor with his English public schoolboy looks, Graeme Garden behind those specs as the scientific whiz-kid and Bill Oddie, the token rebel non-conformist – have survived for more than 10 years.

In fact, they are more popular than ever.

"I guess their secret formula for success is that they get away with murder. Adults who think they are adults but are really kids at heart see them as they would love to be sometimes – daredevils game enough to try anything for the price" Spiers said.

"Kids see them as they would like adults to be. Imagine having The Goodies in charge of your school?"

"They live in a world of the absurd and in these days of terrorism and mayhem we need to laugh at ourselves as much as we can."

Although The Goodies recently switched from the BBC to London Weekend Television, the format will not change.

In the new series there's a new companion for the mad trio – a little robot called appropriately "Robot".

One episode is all about Robot giving birth to another robot that develops into a delinquent robot. Work that one out.

"We had a lot of fun making that. I think a lot of fans don't realise the tremendous amount of work Tim, Graeme and Bill put into writing the scripts before we add the stunts." Spiers said.

"Tim's a perfectionist and will work on a script until he thinks it is perfect. There are no midway standards."

The Goodies product takes months of painstaking work from the script through to the filming and editing.

"We all work as a team and I think that's why The Goodies have remained at the top." Spiers said.

He thinks the latest scripts are the best so far.

"We have three more episodes to make to finish the series. It's got to the stage where fans can't get enough."

The Goodies have recorded more than 70 programs with the BBC.

4. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays.

TIM'S COMEDY LINKS – EPISODES 3 & 4

(by Kay Dickinson)

For the third programme of this Radio 4 series, where TBT links his two loves, golf and comedy, Tim is at the Cavendish Golf Club, in Buxton, Derbyshire - his home town. This particular programme might well have been subtitled, "Tim's Confessions"....

He is about to do one of the most nerve-wracking things a golfer can do - drive off in front of the secretary and vice-captain of the club. Fortunately, his shot is good and during the round, landmarks on the course soon get him reminiscing. The "Cresta" toboggan run brings back childhood memories, foremost of these, listening to "Toytown" on the radio, with Larry the Lamb. Cue clip of said Lamb, having golf explained to him - Tim had been taken to a recording of the show in Manchester as a boy, and couldn't understand why these old people were putting on silly voices, "much", as he says, "like the ISIHAC audiences probably ask themselves today!" Larry the Lamb was real to him, and he couldn't connect these people with his radio chums - "as I said, I was very young, and quite clearly very stupid!"

The course at Buxton is criss-crossed with old dry-stone walls, as much of the countryside in those parts is, and these brought on his first comedy connection - "Over The Garden Wall" with Norman Evans - Tim used to go to see him in pantomime at the Palace in Manchester and plays a clip - "Les Dawson in an earlier lifetime" comments Tim.

Another pantomime great of the time was Patrick Cargill, who used to go up to Tim's house to use their radiogram to play the records of the day and work them into his pantomime. Cargill always used to tell a story about Tim as a 6 or 7 year old boy - at a party at the Brooke-Taylors' house late one night, the young Tim was observed walking into the room, stark naked, sleepwalking. At the time, it was thought that to wake a sleepwalker would cause irreparable damage (belly-button aversions??), so he was left to walk around the room and up to the coal bucket, into which he proceeded to pee (apparently, with much style), then making a dignified exit and disappearing back upstairs to bed - his first public performance!

Cargill is best know for his appearance as the doctor in Tony Hancock's classic "The Blood Donor" - an extract from which was played.... "A pint? That's very nearly an armful!"

As a child, Tim loved the comic strip magazines - one of the highlights of his life, he says, was the "Cor!" magazine strips of The Goodies - every week a new adventure would pop through the letterbox, which was nothing to do with him, "it was just fantastic!" When they were asked by the artist what they really wanted, they said they wanted it to be like the Beano - where you got the main story, but you also got lots of visual jokes going on in the background too. He was lucky as a child that his mother would get him the comics - most of his friends weren't allowed them - or if they were, it had to be the Eagle. Tim joined the Eagle Club, "I'm giving a bit away here – it's a bit like sitting in the psychiatrist's chair" he says - he had a problem with bed-wetting at the time and was terrified he might win one of their trips abroad and have people discover he was a bed-wetter! - the memory of which convinces him that he's going to miss the next shot!

This reminds his caddy of watching a film about the high jinks of rock stars on their jumbo jets, and the terrible things they get up to - "do you know, if someone's sleeping, and you dip the fingers of one of their hands in a cup of warm water, they will inevitably wet themselves?" There's definitely people Tim says he wants to try that on, so don't nod off in his company!

His caddy is also doubling up as the sound recordist during this round, asks Tim what he remembers of "those radio lot" - Tim mentions Arthur Askey, "a cartoon character in real life" - and a clip of Askey singing "Silly Seagull" is played.

Tim remembers playing at the Cavendish from being a teenager - though the social life that revolved around the golf course was more to do with the parents. Tim's father played golf, although Tim doesn't think he must have been *that* good, because he was asked to play once with a very good group, which elicited the remark, "ey, Brooke-Taylor - travelling first class on a third class ticket, are you?" from the Clubhouse.

Class, says Tim, "has always been a good standby for comedy" - Ronnie Barker, Ronnie Corbett and John Cleese famously looked up and down on one another, and in "At Last The 1948 Show" Tim, Marty Feldman, Graham Chapman and John Cleese tried to outdo one another as to how poor they were in "Four Yorkshiremen". The "Goodness Gracious Me" team tackle both class and race, and TBT particularly enjoyed "The Fast Show"'s take on one-upmanship, middle class style, of which he plays a clip - essentially a middle-class "Four Yorkshiremen" (Four Home Counties Men?) Where they try to outdo each other as to how middle-class they all are "My father was an accountant and I used to have piano lessons" "Well, *I* had cello lessons!" "Huh, well my family used to do recitals, with me on the viola - as a quintet!".

Two of Tim's greatest heroes are Dennis Norden and Frank Muir - who managed to use grand words in a common setting and give them a whole new meaning - "It's gross interpetude" "What's interpetude?" "Trouble with women" "Well, what's gross interpetude?" "Trouble with 144 women" - he wishes he'd written that!

Muir and Norden also wrote "Take It From Here", with Jimmy Edwards, Dick Bentley and June Whitfield - of which an extract is played.

An interesting comparison, presumably unintentional, is drawn with many of our first experiences of the Goodies when Tim says of Tommy Trinder and his ilk, "you can't quite judge it, because you're judging it through a child's eyes" and goes on to say, "but what is quite nice is that you find that families pass on comedy and their kids laugh at first and then secretly start to listen to their parents' comedy tapes."

Tim thinks that he must have been influenced a lot by what his mother listened to - he can't remember exactly what it was, except that she laughed a lot and he can remember sitting listening to a lot of music hall, with some very good comedians - "there is a danger" he says, "of being snooty about things now that were right for the time, people change their minds and suddenly, things that they despised they get quite moist-eyed about, because it actually reminds them a very, very good and happy time". As well as his mother's influence from an early age, Tim's older brother Martin had a huge effect on his influences later on - but more of those, Tim promises, in the next programme.

As Tim's father died when he was 12, he and his mother spent a lot of time together as companions - and they both loved Al Reed, and a clip of his is played.

Not all comedy stands the test of time, and although Tim enjoys the comedy of today, 10, 20 and 30 years ago, he wonders how much of it will last. "That Was The Week That Was" was a satirical programme from the early 60s which Tim never really found funny, despite it being daring and interesting - but now he says it sounds "straight embarrassing".

Comedy in the 50s suffered, says Tim, from being a younger member of the American family - you got people performing like American double acts - Morecambe and Wise did this in their early days and Abbot and Costello combined the fear of Frankenstein and the monsters - and at the same time you were giggling, because you were nervous on their behalf - "I'm a bit like that still, I still giggle under pressure! I'm to be found in the wings on a first night - giggling! Pure nerves - something slightly goes wrong and I'm giggling!"

As for Tim's golf, he did quite well - with a birdie on the sixth and played a good shot in front of the clubhouse "so [of course] nobody will have been watching"

Tim closes the programme with a song from Benny Hill - "in his early days, a truly innovative comedy genius".

For the final programme of the series, Tim is at St Andrews, "The home of golf" – he'd often wondered what the home of golf was like, "does it have a downstairs loo? Satellite TV - *and* a stairlift? What sacrilegious thoughts!"

He's on the first tee of the old course, and he's not nervous – he's seen too many others make a complete hash of it here; one of the "crazy gang" - Monsieur Eddie Gray, who was known for practical jokes, once picked up his ball there, threw it in the air and swung at it as if with a baseball bat - some of the elderly members, says Tim, probably died. "I'm sorry, it's too difficult!" said Gray.

One of Tim's most obscure links of all is made - a clip is played of Woody Allen - on the strength that Allen's father was once a caddy. During the clip, it transpires that, to illustrate how poor the family was, Allen claims that his father was caddy at a miniature golf course. I think we may be scraping the barrel for golf links here!

Tim's still on the first tee - summoning the courage to make that first shot. It's a good one and as he makes his way to play his second, he reminisces about the time when he was elected Rector of the University there by the students in 1979 - something he was "truly honoured" by. The Rector chairs the Court which has the responsibility of running the University - he says he may have taken the position too seriously (Margaret Thatcher's team were hacking away at budgets and many cuts had to be made), but he was following in a good comedy tradition - among his predecessors were Frank Muir and John Cleese, his fellow Law student at Cambridge, who he says would have made a good barrister - he frightened Tim, all 6 foot 5 of him (Cleese, that is, not TBT!). A clip is played of Cleese as a bossy question master for "Top of the Form" for "At Last The 1948 Show".

Tim's life was changed for ever when Beyond The Fringe stopped off in Cambridge - all the cast were good, but Peter Cook was "truly, truly original" - he couldn't get enough of it. He did Economics in his first year to avoid Roman Law - Roman Law required Latin, and Latin made Tim cry. Cue a clip of Peter Cook, with wistful thoughts on Latin and Law.

Peter Cook left a tremendous legacy at Cambridge when he left - just before Tim arrived - in the Pembridge Players' Smoking Concert, which was sold out every year, thanks to Cook - "but we", says Tim, "had to follow him." Bill Oddie, Eric Idle, Tim and others were "frightened little rabbits - but we got away with it - just!" One sketch was a parody of Oscar Wilde "How Green Was My Buttonhole" - Tim naturally played Lady Bracknell, and the sketch was revived in Cambridge Circus, some of which is played, with Tim doing an instantly recognisable pre-Lady Constance voice.

The London cast of Cambridge Circus, John Cleese, David Hatch, Jo Kendall, Bill Oddie, TBT were joined by Graeme Garden to form the cast of I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again. A clip is played of the regular series in the show, The Curse Of The Flying Wombats - "I am Lady Constance de Coverlet - but you can call me bedspread".

They were considered something of a threat by some of the established comedians of the time, but didn't realise that the cast of ISIRTA were huge admirers and had been greatly influenced by music hall and variety in general. Tim's introduction to comedy had been at school, were, as new boy, he had to do a "turn" at the end of term concert. He did a conjuring routine - but the first trick went wrong - and then the second and he'd started to giggle. Then he made the best decision of his life - he got all the rest of the tricks wrong on purpose and made out it had been a comedy routine, which went down a storm - "and what was that lovely sound? It was laughter..." A clip is played of the greatest comedy conjuror of them all - Tommy Cooper.

BBC Radio was a great place for comedy in the 1960s and 70s - encouraging new comedy writers, but the content of the shows got filthier and filthier - because of the absurd censorship laws governing output, great use was made of innuendo, which made everything far filthier than it would have otherwise have been. To illustrate this, an extract from Round The Horne is played, with the incredibly camp Julian and Sandy.

The students at the University of St Andrews, Tim remembers, were remarkably disinclined to leave, even after the Scottish University's four year stint - the leap from student to grown-up was a very big one, and Tim was lucky enough to start work in television with Bernard Braden - he was the comedy turn for a few months on ITV's "Braden Beat" - and again had to follow Peter Cook, who had just completed a 13 week run. He got to know Cook years later, and Cook had only to open his mouth for Tim to be crying with laughter. He did manage to beat Cook several times on the golf course though, even with tears streaming down his face. "Did you spot that golf link?" asks Tim...

Tim also gets to play golf with Arnold Palmer whenever he likes - on his computerised golf game, that is. You don't have get cold and wet any more - this is golf for the new millennium, and he can often hit the ball long and straight - and the computerised commentator frequently bestows lavish praise on him. It's time for him to put his feet even further up, with a "wee dram" (said in a Scottish accent just a little better than his Australian one!) and one of his very favourite sketches of all, from the "Million Pound Radio Show" of modern-day pirates who, rather than loot and treasure maps, (and said very much in the style of The Knights of Ni and their shrubbery) "we wants.... a training day!" ... "preferably in a nice hotel in Hastings!"

And so we come to the end of Tim's Comedy Links. "The journey has been a bit like my golf", says Tim, "left, right, sometimes backwards but never, I think, *quite* out of bounds." He concludes by saying that the golfer's warning cry is, "Fore!" - and quotes (with a commendable impression) the late, great Willie Rushton as describing it as an abbreviated form of, "for what it's worth, you're just about to be struck by a golf ball - oh, sorry - you *have* been!"

I LOVE A 70s CHRISTMAS

(by Alison Bean - posted to Goodies-l on 28th December

Did anyone watch I Love A 70s Christmas on BBC2 on Xmas Eve? Tim turned up discussing some ads he did for nylon sheets, pillow cases, nighties, dressing gowns etc in the 70s. "Basically, I'm a whore" he said of the experience.

Does anyone know whether Tim's ads inspired the Brentford Nylons reference in Graeme's magnificent succession of Radio 1 DJ impressions in Chubbie Chumps?

(...and a further posting from Tim to Goodies-l on 1st January)

For those of you that want to see Tim's advert and interview, go to: http://www.lace.demon.co.uk/goals/tbtnylon.zip

The clip is in Real Video format (you'll need Real Player G2) and has been zipped up as well. It's about 1.4mb.

FUN AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR

(from information contributed by David Balston and Lisa Manekofsky)

Bill Oddie guests in "Fun at the Funeral Parlour" 22.30 on BBC digital channel BBC Choice on Monday 15th January, with repeats on the 16th at 23.00 and the 18th at 01.00. The episode is entitled "The Heron Incident", and the following summary is from sources including the Radio Times:

"This is the original BBC Choice sitcom which is set in a funeral directors' in South Wales.

The funeral home, called "Thomas, Thomas, Thomas and Thomas" is run by the family headed by the father, Ivor, who, suffering from a phobia of dead bodies, is assisted by his three sons, Percy, Arwel and Gwynne."

In an episode guest-starring Paul Whitehouse, famous twitcher Bill Oddie is at a bird sanctuary, trying to woo the woman of his dreams. However, their relationship is not to be."

POINTS OF LAW

(by David Balston)

Tim appears in the first of a new legal quiz 'Points of Law' on Wednesday 17th January on BBC Radio 4 at 13.30. It's hosted by Richard Evans and Gary Herbert is also a guest.

BILL ON THE NET

(by Kay Dickinson - posted to Goodies-l on 8th January)

Bill was interviewed on Radio 2 last night and on Radio 5 last week too - but fear not - this interview is available online through Bill's fan site - www.billoddie.net.

Jon, the owner of the site, has also put up a link to the GROK site too - have a look at his site whilst you're listening to the interview - it's a birding site rather than a Goodies site but it's got some great pics of Bill and is definitely worth a look.

MURDER MOST HORRID

(by David Balston)

Graeme's episode of "Murder Most Horrid - Confessions of a Murderer" had a repeat showing on Wednesday 3rd January on BBC2.

BILLDUNNIT!

(by David Balston)

17th January also sees a repeat of Bill's episode of 'The Detectives' on the Digital version of Bravo at 17.20

NEW SERIES OF ISIHAC

(by Lisa Manekofsky - posted to Goodies-l on 15th December)

The 6th episode of the latest series of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" is due to air next week on BBC Radio 4. Please note that there will be an episode the following week as well, on Monday, 25th December (Christmas Day). Here is a description of the episode from the on-line RadioTimes:

"I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, BBC Radio 4, Monday 25 December, 12:30 to 12:57.

Humphrey Lyttleton introduces the year's highlights from the comedy panel game, featuring regular team members Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden, with contributions from Jeremy Hardy, Sandi Toksvig, Stephen Fry, Neil Mullarkey and Tony Hawkes."

ISIHAC FEATURED ROUND

Late Arrivals At The Insect Ball.

With panelists: Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden, Barry Cryer and Neil Mullarkey.

GG: "Mr & Mrs Bee and their rather shabby son, the bum Bill Bee."

NM: "Mr & Mrs Quito and their son Amos."

TBT: "Peter Sellers and his son Chris" (chrysalis)

BC: "It's cabaret time! The bootleg Beatles ..."

NM: "The Flea Degrees!"

BC: "Do join in! Peggy Flea singing Larva Your Rose ..."

NM: "The Crickets ..."

GG: "And their unwell daughter Sick Ada!"

TBT: "Mr & Mrs T Resistant and their daughter Dee Dee T Resistant."

GG: "And from Coronation Street, let's welcome William Roach and his famous ...(embarrassed silence) ... rooster!

5. FEATURE ARTICLE

KITTEN KONG: 1971-STYLE

(by Andrew Pixley)

As confirmed in internal memos at the BBC and via an interview with the Goodies in Radio Times, the 1972 Montreux edition of Kitten Kong which we all know and love had a number of differences from the original 1971 recording which seems to have ascended to that great electromagnet in the sky some time during the mid-1970s. Fortunately, sufficient material does exist in the form of scripts, production notes, memos and - indeed - dim and distant memories to reconstruct in the following article what this long lost instalment was like. Some of it sticks very closely to the 1972 version (mainly the studio sequences and some of the early film scenes) while the tail end of the show diverges significantly. (For further information on the production of the show rather than the plot, I would refer you to the 'Fantasy Flashback' article on the episode which appeared in Issue 133 of 'TV Zone' in November 2000).

The opening scene of Graeme and Tim returning from the Grabowski chess match and meeting up with Bill who is preparing a gourmet meal for Bunter the guinea pig is virtually identical. However, in some minor dialogue changes, Bill says that Bunter was brought in by Lady Hamilton Bridge. "Bloody hell!" exclaims Tim when he sees the meal Bill has prepared for a "bleeding" guinea pig (which upset Michael Mills, BBC Head of Comedy) - both these blasphemies were removed from the later recording.

After the argument when the idea of collecting looney pets was arrived at, the CSO "thinks bubble" which leads into the film sequences was a 1972 idea. Originally after saying "What a good idea," Tim turns to Bill and says "You're very clever". "I'm sorry I shouted at you," says a regretful Bill. "Oh no, it was my fault," says Tim. Taking control of the situation, Graeme says "Gentlemen ... please eat up your potato peelings ... we are starting a business!" "Wahey...!" yell the Goodies.

This then leads into the 3'15" film sequence of Tim and Bill collecting the looney animals which was retained for the 1972 version. Back at the office, the 1972 mongoose gag was replaced by another item. "What are you doing?" Bill asks Graeme. "Mending a rattlesnake," says Graeme, whereupon a snake with a baby's rattle tied on its end sticks out of the box he is working on and rattles. Graeme sees that Tim has entered carrying a padded birdcage: "Well, what have you brought?" Tim explains "This is Anona the budgie. She's very depressed." "What are you giving her?" asks Graeme. "The stuff that makes budgies bounce," says Tim as he throws the budgie on the floor; the bird bounces out of shot but the Goodies' eyes follow it as it bounces around off-screen until it hits the floor with a splat. "That's solved her problem," says Bill. "Another satisfied customer," agrees Graeme, before he goes into the bush baby routine.

After the vampire bat business comes a sequence with a sheep - substituted by Jim Franklin's singing dogs film from "Broaden Your Mind" in the 1972 version.! Bill indicates a crate with its back to the camera and asks, "Hey, what's this sheep here for?" "It sings," explains Graeme. "Singing sheep?" says Bill incredulously. "Yes," confirms Graeme, "they can't stop it singing." "Can't stop it?" says Bill, "It hasn't even started. Hey, come on sheepy, give us a song. How about a nice duet?" He counts the sheep in: "One, two, three, four ..."

BAAA...

Byface, you've got the cutest little

BAAAAA

by face, and there is no-one else could t-

AAAA

-ke your place,

BAAAA

byface

MAAAA

poor heart is jumping,

BAAAA

You really started something,

BAAAA

byface ...

"All right, that's enough," says Graeme, as Tim spots the - un-named - kitten, and the script returns to that of the remake for a few moments. However, as Graeme opens the door to take the kitten out for his exercise, there is a loud barking and he slams the door shut again. "What's that?" he gibbers, "What's that monster on the landing?" "That's a Great Dane," says Tim. "It's as big as a horse!" protests Graeme, adding "I'm not going out there - it looks fierce." "Well it isn't," Tim assures him, "In fact that's its problem. It's not terribly butch." "Isn't it?" asks Graeme. "No," confirms Tim, "As a matter of fact it's ..."; he whispers in Graeme's ear. "It's not is it?" asks an amazed Graeme. "As a row of pink tents," assures Tim. "You mean a Great Dane that's ..." says Graeme, and Tim completes the sentence, "A bit of a gay dog!" "Will you get off ..." says Graeme as Bill says he will toughen up the dog: "Grab your animals - it's time for Walkies." This leads into the same 5'52" film sequence of exercising the pets and the two fake commercials.

Af!ter the film sequence, the scene between Graeme and Bill is generally the same as the Montreux version, except that Graeme explains that Twinkle "is still too little ... you can't have the metabolism of a Rhino in something six inches long. He'll burn himself out." "Well, he's certainly growing fast," says Bill, before Tim comes in.

After the subsequent scene in which Bill reveals he has put the cat out, the show starts to diverge significantly. A 1'17" location film sequence opens with the Goodies cycling on the trandem down a suburban street calling "Kitty! Kitty! Puss puss puss!" They then find an overturned milkfloat with a terrified milkman pointing into the distance. Next they arrive at a fish shop which has been emptied of its stock, and the fishmonger emerges from his establishment as a gibbering wreck. A pack of terrified dogs scurry around a corner away from something past the Goodies. The trio then find a massive paw print on the ground ... and look up to see the massive cat climbing the GPO Tower.

The next scene back in the studio is very similar to the remake, except that all three Goodies enter the Quick Change cabinet at the same time (rather than use a double for Graeme). They emerge dressed as mice and set off to capture the cat.

The next sequence is on film and runs to 45"; the Goodies are in the street and fill a huge saucer full of milk. The trio then take cover nearby on a street corner - back in the studio - and wait for the giant feline to come for his lunch. However, as Graeme says, "We'll have to entice him," and starts to go "Eeek!" Bill and Tim join in as massive footsteps approach and there is a huge miaow. Tim is at first triumphant: "It worked, it worked! Well done, men - we've lured the monster out! The monster's coming! Help! Run!" Graeme tells them to hide and they duck down out of site by jumping into the saucer. Then Bill pops up: "Hang on - something's just struck me ... there's a ravenous 100 foot high pussy cat coming this way ... And he wants his dinner, right?" Graeme and Tim agree. "And we're dressed up as mice, right?" Again they agree. "And we're hiding in a bowl of milk, right?" Right, they agree. "Now doesn't that strike you as a bad idea?" asks Bill. "Right!" his colleagues agree, but it is too late to get away. Around the side of a building strides the cat and it towers over them as the trio attempt to shoo it away: "We're not mice - we're Goodies. Remember us? We taste horrible." Unfortunately the cat is not scared of them and they leap out of the bowl and make a run for it.

This leads into a 1'55" film sequence where the Goodies run around a street corner and flatten themselves against a wall. "This is another fine mess you've gotten ..." Tim starts to say, but Graeme tell!s him to shut up. The looney scientist believes that this is their chance: "While it's drinking the milk, we can sneak up and shove in the hypodermic." Tim refuses to go anywhere near it. Graeme says he will check that it is safe and, handing the giant hypodermic to Bill, creeps around the corner and calls back to the others: "It's OK - we're safe!" At that instance, a massive paw slams down and pins him to the ground. Tim suggests that they should run while they can and Graeme pleads for them not to leave him. Tim is unsympathetic: "Why not? It was all your stupid fault in the first place!" Bill agrees that it serves Graeme right, and points out that "While it's eating you, we'll have a chance to get away." Graeme pleads again for rescue, but Tim tells him he is being selfish, with Bill persuading the cat to eat the "Nice mouse." Sprinkling salt and pepper on Graeme, he adds: "Yummy appetising Mouseburger. Eat it all up so we can run away." At this, the paw drags Graeme away around the corner - his yells and screams can be heard. There is the noise of a cat purring and licking its lips ... and then (a dummy) Graeme flies through the air and hits the ground. "Hang on - you didn't give us time to get away," says Bill. Tim agrees: "You go back and get eaten this minute." "He spat me out!" says Graeme, adding, "Apparently, cats don't like salt and pepper." Tim realises they are trapped, but Graeme says that the kitten has gone. Bill feels that it's useless; "We'll never get near enough like this." Then Graeme has his idea: "Then there's only one thing to do - take to the air." Rapidly, Bill pumps up a balloon, Tim ties ropes across the trandem and Graeme fits a propeller.

The next sequence has the Goodies on the trandem CSOed over film in the studio. This is essentially the same sequence as was reshot for Montreux, but af!ter Bill making the dog noises the resolution is far quicker. Graeme simply drops the syringe towards the kitten: "Bombs away!" As the syringe makes a whistling noise while it hurtles down, Tim says: "Oooh - I can't stand the sight of a needle going in." He and the other Goodies look away as the whistling ends with a plonk, there is a miaow and a thud. "Direct hit!" says a triumphant Graeme. The trandem (model) descends to lie beside the sleeping cat. The Goodies dismount the trandem and walk in front of the drowsing colossus, shaking hands.

Back in the office, the Goodies parcel up the pets to send home. "I think we can congratulate ourselves on a thoroughly successful enterprise," says Graeme. "With one notable failure," says Tim, pointing towards the inner room. "I don't count Kitten Kong as a failure," insists Graeme as Bill asks if it's feeding time. "How long since the last meal?" asks Graeme. "Er !er ... four weeks," says Bill, to which Graeme agrees that it is time. Graeme takes a teaspoonful of the food from the vat and puts it on a plate. He then opens the door to reveal the tiny kitten sitting beside a massive collar and chain. "He's nearly back to normal," comments Graeme. Tim thinks he has overdone it, "I reckon he was bigger than that when we got him." Meanwhile, Bill has been looking at the vat, asking how much the kitten gets now. "One teaspoonful every month," says Graeme, "so that's ... er three teaspoonfuls he's had." Bill asks if Graeme has been eating the mixture as the vat is nearly empty ... and this leads to the same conclusion with the giant mice as in the 1972 version.

6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

(by Brett Allender)

THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC

Series 3, Episode 4.

First transmitted: 25th February 1973

PLOT

Tim is rather depressed, as the Goodies haven't had a job in two months and annoys Bill by attempting to polish his feet with black nugget. Tim needs a good laugh and several hysterical cackles seem to herald the arrival of a clown or a hyena. In comes a crazy old bat in a black dress and fruit-filled hat who makes Tim and Bill laugh uncontrollably before she tells them her sad life story. She is a witch who always has wanted to be a zookeeper, but her obsession with furry little animals has ruined her business as she is only able to conjure up the mystical voices of cows, sheep and three-toed sloths instead of dearly departed relatives.

Tim offers to help her, but Bill finds the whole idea balmy and suggests that she should seek the help of other witches instead. Hazel tells them that witches no longer help each other, as they have turned black (with Bill remarking that they have been in the coven too long!) and sold their stories to the Sunday papers and besides, no-one would want to buy pictures of her furry little animals dancing naked around the campfire anyway!

Hazel wants help in contacting the other side, just as Graeme enters the room (after being out selling 'orrible 'airy spiders!). Hazel feels that he has 'the power' and offers to pay the Goodies if they will help her. The Goodies need the money and hold a seance where Graeme pretends to be possessed and Bill hides under the table in a bid to fool Hazel. Graeme exposes Bill and ruins the seance, but he is genuinely hypnotised and takes on a number of personalities before being unpossessed by a blow on the head from a mallet, then gets carried away with the realization that he has 'the power'. Another blow on the head temporarily halts his lust for power and the others escape the spookiness by going to the pictures (to see Dracula's Entrails!). Graeme is left to sleep it off, but he soon creeps up from the floor with a crazed expression on his face and evil on his mind.

Bill and Tim return to find a 'I Do Anything Anytime' sign on the office door and all sorts of voodoo items including needles stuck into Tim's dolly and tomato ketchup all over the floor. A witchcraft manual featuring 'A Bum In The Coven' and other campfire dances tells them that Graeme has sold out to the Sunday papers and they head to Clapham Common in a bid to stop him. They spoil Graeme's worship session by scaring away his followers and dress as virgins in white gowns and long blonde hair to enter his hideaway. Graeme performs some awful magic tricks with the help of his assistant Miss Betty (Sooty could do better!), then summons up the devil (David Frost!) before Witch Hazel intervenes and pits her good magic against Graeme's evil.

Hazel defeats Graeme by clobbering him with a mallet again and casts a spell to remove the evil spirits from him. However the replacement spirit is that of a gibbon and the dinner-suited Graeme swings across the room and escapes to create havoc, as Tim and Bill (still dressed as virgins) chase him all over the countryside. After three weeks, Witch Hazel finally comes across the right spell to bring Graeme back to normal and tears up her book of magic spells in relief. However Tim starts to cluck like a chook and Bill yaps like a dog, which causes Hazel and Graeme to frantically scramble for the shredded pages.

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Bill: (reading Tim's horoscope) "Let's see. Virgo. Work prospects. You will meet a small fat man with a beard who will be no help at all!"

* Witch Hazel (WH): (introducing herself) "Some call me Hecate, some the Queen of Necromancy and some..."

Bill: "Call you a loony!"

* WH: "What I need is to re-establish contact with the living dead. I need to be put in touch with those lost souls on the other side."

Tim: "Say no more." (picks up phone) "Thames Television please!"

* WH: "Is there anybody there? One knock for no, two knocks for yes." (knock, knock) "Who's there?"

Bill: "Wendy"

WH: "Wendy who?"

Bill: "Wendy red red robin comes bob bob bobbin' along!"

WH: "Robin! Oh well, at least it's not another furry little animal!"

* Tim: "So tomorrow night when the owls do hoot and the moon is full we must journey to the abode of the living dead"

Bill: "Aw, we're not going to Bognor again, are we?!"

* Graeme: "Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Are you sure you're virgins?"

Tim & Bill: "Yes, sir."

Graeme: (looking at Bill) "But she's got a beard!"

Tim: "That's why she's a virgin!"

Graeme: "Fair enough!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* Graeme taking on various identities while possessed with 'the power', including Eammon Andrews ("And tonight Witch Hazel, this is your life!"), Walter Gabriel ("Elllllo deeere!") and Eddie Waring ("Well yabble gabble babble..."), with Tim pleading with him to "Please ... take Tony Blackburn!"

* The worship ritual on Clapham Common with Graeme's followers dancing around the campfire in their undies to 'Knees Up Mother Brown' ("oh, oh what a rotten song, what a rotten singer too-oo!") watched by owls, 'orrible 'airy spiders and newspaper photographers. Also the followers dropping to their knees as the Grand Master appears in his cape, pointy hat and Goodies t-shirt and prepares to ritually sacrifice a frozen chook!

* Graeme summoning up the devil (David Frost!) before Witch Hazel sends Frosty packing ("got to go now ... byeee!")

* The mighty chase scene with Bill and Tim dressed as virgins pursuing Graeme the gibbon, including the scaling of a light pole and ladder, Graeme climbing over a moving car, then onto another car and a bus going in different directions, in and out windows of a tall building, Tim slipping on a chain of banana peels etc before they finally trap Graeme in a cage.

GUEST STARS

Patricia Hayes

GOODIES SONGS

Stuff That Gibbon

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

Great episode with stacks of funny scenes and quotes, a top guest performance by Patricia Hayes, more of Graeme's wicked impersonations and a great chase scene to the tune of 'Stuff That Gibbon'

STUFF THAT GIBBON

Take that gibbon by the hand

Listen to the rhythm of the band

Slap him up and down upon the floor

Tickle his feet and hear him giggle

Then unzip him down the middle

Give that gibbon what he's hollerin' for

(Chorus)

Ohh, stuff that gibbon, ohh, stuff that gibbon

Ohh, stuff that gibbon now!...*

Ohh, stuff that gibbon , ohh, stuff that gibbon

Ohh, stuff that gibbon now! *

(* several different phrases - "what ya gonna do", "fa-la-la-la", "what for, riddle me", etc)

Promenade the gibbon round the hall

Bounce him up and down like a rubber ball

Drop him on the floor and trample on his toes

Swing him by the tail from the chandelier

Happy with a hamster in his ear

All he needs is a ferret up his nose

RATING

IIIII Superstar

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIIII - Superstar.

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

February Summary

"For Those In Peril On The Sea"

7 QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(a) Witch Hazel in "That Old Black Magic and Tim's Uncle Tom in "Farm Fresh Food".

NOTE: There are also two other prominent "zookeepers" - the one in "Loch Ness Monster" and the giant in "Goodies And The Beanstalk".

(b) Through door and turn white.

(d) Apart-height.

(e) Short people like Bill, jockeys, Ronnie Corbett etc!

(f) Run.

(g) "Chop off their legs!"