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THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 90 12th June 2003

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER

- Ian Greaves, Fiona Campbell, Brian Labza

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. FEATURE ARTICLE – A 1976 Radio Times interview with Graeme Garden

5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY – Daylight Robbery On The Orient Express

6. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #18

7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "Once a knight, always a knight. Twice a night and you're doing alright!"

(a) Which Goodie says this quote?

(b) What sort of character is he dressed up as?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the very first episode on the new 'The Goodies - At Last' DVD: "The Tower Of London" (aka Beefeaters)

(d) Who provided the money for the Goodies' new office?

(e) According to Bill's ad, what are the Goodies able to do?

(f) What is Graeme's response to this?

(g) Why are the Goodies summoned to the Tower Of London?

(h) Which classic mock advertisement was deleted from this episode by the ABC when it was broadcast in Australia during the 1980s?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

(David Balston – Goodies-l – 17th May)

BBC2 are repeating 'I Love 1970' which featured the Goodies on Saturday night Sunday morning at 00:10 (ten past midnight) 1st June 2003,

UK Horizons have been cutting out the Goodies section in their repeats so this will be a chance to see the show in full.

SAVE THE FUNKY GIBBON

(contributed by Ian Greaves – Goodies-l – 15th May)

'Save The Funky Gibbon' by Mark Daly

Word Magazine #4 (June 2003, published 15th May; p23)

"...And That's Why I've always hated the police." Bill Oddie - comedian, writer, ornithologist and eccentric raconteur - tops his anecdote with this forthright statement and a bemused audience coughs. Never mind Oddie, this afternoon's audience itself is pretty surreal in itself. For a start, we're spending a sunny Saturday inside a stifling cinema off Leicester Square. To the left of me are a group of Australians. To the right, more Australians. In fact, 90% of the audience appears to be Antipodean. If they had hats with corks on them, it would be a scene from The Goodies.

The show is never off the Australian public station ABC (*), hence the big Aussie turnout for today's launch of The Goodies on DVD, which will see a live interview and selection of classic moments on the big screen. Triumph is in the air. In Britain the show - a high water-mark of seventies humour and a precursor to oddball comedies like Father Ted or even Spaced - is inexplicably consigned to the cupboard marked "embarrassing '70s tat". After being ignored by the BBC's DVD reissue program, Oddie, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden wrestled back the rights to the show and the first of a Goodies reissue series is out now on independent label Network. It's a double DVD and VHS set featuring the one with the kitten climbing the Post Office Tower and seven other episodes.

Queuing outside the Prince Charles cinema, I was struck by how young the crowd are, for a programme that ended in 1982 and has barely surfaced in the UK since. Gaggles of twentysomething girls flutter about with anticipation; earnest young men with sideboards try not to giggle. There's the occasional comedy geek, identified by their copies of Funky Gibbon ready for signing.

Inside, Oddie is the garrulous one and he frequently drifts "off topic". During one lengthy and incomprehensible birdwatching tale, Brooke-Taylor looks at his watch for comic effect and Graeme mugs sympathetically at the restless audience who would rather hear about three-seater bicycles. At moments like this there's a frisson of excitement in the crowd - it's The Goodies! Bickering like they always did! Now they might be three middle-aged men but we've just seen them running around the Home Counties at twice normal speed, in situations that were surreal in the original sense. If surrealism was the chance encounter of an umbrella and a sewing machine, what was the chance encounter of kung fu and black pudding? That was the secret of Ecky Thump, the Lancastrian martial art, as seen on the new DVD.

The perception of The Goodies was that it was kids' stuff - giant kittens, monster beanstalks, an enormous Dougal off Magic Roundabout - but TV comedy seems less adventurous now. There's the cringe factor of The Office and Chris Morris' self-conscious media trickery, but where's the silliness? It seems to live on in the minds of those who watched the giant kitten demolishing the Post Office Tower for the umpteenth time this afternoon. And this was silliness with a method. Garden says they'd begin each series with what they called "the Panorama list". "We'd identify current subjects that we would cover," he explains, "so it looked more like ideas for Panorama than a comedy show: ecology, punk rock, police brutality..." This reminds Oddie of a personal row with the constabulary, and he begins to tell us, at length, why he hates the police.

Familiar Goodies-on-bench shot accompanies the feature, as well as an inset image of the DVD. There is also a new photo of the trio taken on the corner of Prince Charles Cinema.

(*) Editor's note: The ABC network has not screened "The Goodies" since 1993, although the pay-tv channel UKTV has repeated the series several times in the past five years.

GOODIES VIDEOS STILL AVAILABLE

(from information provided by Fiona Campbell

The ABC Shop (at least in Sydney at the Burwood store) has the Goodies videos involved in a special price at the moment.

The Goodies And The Beanstalk; The End; and The Bunfight At The OK Tea Rooms is still full price at $30.95 AUD, however Kitten Kong, Scatty Safari and Scoutrageous is on special for $12.45 AUD

They seem to be packaged together (the 2 videos) for $30.95 on-line - for full details go to : http://shop.abc.net.au/browse/product.asp?productid=492434

I have a feeling that these 2 videos will be included in the 2 for $30 AUD in store special very soon.

Thought I'd let everyone know as I paid more when I got them through Blackstar in the UK. (some time ago).

TRANDEM SELECTION

(Alison Bean – Goodies-l – 20th May)

Bill Oddie said at the Prince Charles Q&A that there were 4 trandems, however I've only noticed 3. They are:

* The original trandem with an extra seat tacked on to the back of a tandem.

* The BBC series' red trandem.

* The LWT series blue trandem.

The BBC red trandem is the one that was (and probably still is) owned by Rory Spowers.

The LWT blue trandem is owned by the drummer from Pink Floyd, according to Robert Ross' book.

I don't know who owns the original.

THE UGLY SISTERS

(David Balston – Goodies-l – 20th May)

BBC7 are repeating their tribute to Douglas Adams which included the radio pantomime he produced called 'Black Cinderella 2 Goes East' which featured Tim, Graeme and Bill as the Ugly Sisters.

The tribute is entitled 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish' and airs from 8am to 11am and again at 9pm to midnight on Sunday 1st June 2003.

STARS NOT REUNITED

(David Balston – Goodies-l – 21st May)

Sadly I have just heard from Anthony Carr that they have had to cancel the planned Goodies edition of Stars Reunited due to various complications.

Hopefully they may be able to do the show at a later date but at present the show is no longer going to be made.

T'LEADER OF T'CULT

(Brian Labza – Goodies-l – 22nd May)

For those who live in the Melbourne metro area in Australia, the May 2003 issue of Cult Times is now available in the shops, resplendent with the two page article about the Goodies DVD release in all its colour glory.

(David Balston – Goodies-l – 28th May)

The R2 DVD Project have reviewd the Goodies DVD at

http://www.r2-dvd.org/article.jsp?sectionId=4&articleId=5561

EVEN MORE GOODY DVD NEWS

(David Balston – Goodies-l – 8th June)

It has been reported by 'Mr Wolf' at the Mausoleum Club forum that the second volume of the DVD will provisionally be released in November and

contain "Radio Goodies".

http://www.the-mausoleum-club.org.uk/xmb/viewthread.php?tid=2141

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* Bill's garden show "Wild in Your Garden" will be screened daily at 8pm.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/programmes/tv/wildinyourgarden/

(David Balston – Goodies-l – 15th May)

* The listings for "Bill Oddie's Best OfBritish..." have been substantially updated. It appears there are going to be 4 episodes containing highlights from Bill's prior nature series.

These are the listings for episodes 1-3:

Bill Oddie's Best of British...

Time: 20:30 to 21:00 (30 minutes long).

Monday 26th May on BBC 2

Bill Oddie picks out highlights from six years of his wildlife series. He has a close encounter with an otter, sees the largest gannet colony in the world on the island of St Kilda, and looks for crayfish in the Lake District.

(First of four programmes, Subtitles)

Tuesday 27th May on BBC 2

Bill Oddie picks out highlights from six years of his wildlife series. He sees kittiwakes in Newcastle, rock pools in Liverpool and wild salmon on the Tyne.

(Second of four programmes, Subtitles)

Wednesday 28th May on BBC 2

(In the Countryside)

Bill Oddie picks out highlights from six years of his wildlife series. He sees barn owls in Norfolk, a pine marten with a sweet tooth, and badgers living in the Somerset wetlands.

(Third of four programmes, Subtitles)

(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 15th May)

* Congratulations to Bill, he has made it to the cover of the new Radio Times

for the live "Wild In Your Garden With Bill Oddie".

It is accompanied by a 4 page feature with Bill interviewed by Jam Masters.

The issue date is 24-30 May 2003.and there's a photo of the cover at

http://www.radiotimes.beeb.com/content/features/magazine/

(David Balston and Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 20th and 21st May)

* Bill turned up on Danny Baker's breakfast show this morning on BBC London, promoting wildlife shows rather than The Goodies. A fun chat. They archive all interviews here, but give them a day or three:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/london/insideldn/dannybaker/master_clipoftheday_new.shtml

(Ian Greaves – Goodies-l – 22nd May)

* From http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/3047029.stm

Oddie for history show

Bill Oddie, one of the stars of the 1970s comedy series The Goodies, is to front a new history show for daytime BBC One.

The show, to be called History Detectives, is being described as a version of "Through The Keyhole for history buffs".

"They'll have to turn up at a place where a famous person, such as Charlie Chaplin, will have lived," said Alison Sharman, the BBC's controller of daytime commissioning.

Oddie has presented bird-watching and natural history programmes for the BBC.

The show is expected to be broadcast opposite ITV1's This Morning.

(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 21st May)

* Bill's article in The Londoner (including a photo of him) can now be viewed on-line at

http://www.london.gov.uk/mayor/londoner/londoner-may03.pdf

The article is on page 15.

(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 9th June)

* Best wishes from everyone at the C&G and "The Goodies Rule OK" to Bill for a very happy and enjoyable day on his upcoming birthday. Bill turns 62 on July 7th.

GRAEME & TIM SPOTTINGS

* Graeme Garden contributed material to the radio show "Giles WemmbleyHogg Goes Off", which has returned to BBC Radio 4 on Tuesdays at 23:00. I believe this is a repeat of the first series from last year.

Here's a blurb from the show's website: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/gileswemmbleyhogg.shtml:

Each week Giles travels to far-off lands and records his adventures for the benefit of the Radio 4 listener. And each week, he makes a thumping great prat of himself... The series was written and conceived by Marcus Brigstocke (We Are History, Think the Unthinkable) and Jeremy Salsby (Patrick Kielty Live) with additional material by Graeme Garden (I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue,

(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 23rd May)

* I've heard that Graeme and Tim are recording a new afternoon TV quiz programme for Channel 4. They're the presenters of the show, which is called "Beat the Nation". I don't know yet when the show might begin to air. However, I did find some information about the show at http://www.quizzing.co.uk/trivia/viewtopic.php?p=913#913. This page has a rather detailed description of the rounds; I won't reprint the whole thing here but the following are a couple of paragraphs which I think are of general interest:

All About Beat the Nation

QUIZZING's roving reporter went along to the first recordings of Endemol's new TV quiz show, 'Beat the Nation', hosted by 'Goodies' veterans Dr Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor.

Throughout the programme, 'The Nation' you are trying to beat is 1,000 people who have answered the questions that are asked on the show. The questions contestants face have points attached to them that vary according to how many in of the 1,000 people answered the question correctly. If 60% of the people answered the question correctly, the question is worth 40 points as the contestant would have beaten 40% of 'The Nation'.

The show itself is not bad and will be good for people wanting to have a go at a TV quiz show for the first time as the questions were all relatively easy (mostly general knowledge with a couple of maths ones) and it was all very well organised and handled in a very unthreatening way.

For details on how to get on Beat the Nation, email beatthenation@quizzing.co.uk

I also found the following on Channel 4's website

(http://www.channel4.co.uk/entertainment/tv/microsites/B/beat_the_nation/index.html):

"Can you "Beat The Nation"?

50% of the nation don't know the answer to this question:

What is the highest mountain in the world?

We want you to take part in Channel 4's exciting new quiz show

We want you to WIN some serious money

We want you to get in touch now

It couldn't be simpler:

You don't have to divulge any sensitive information.

You don't have to make a fool of yourself.

You don't even have to be the brainiest person in the country.

All you have to do is come on TV, answer a few questions and win yourself a load of cash. Remember, you've already proved you're in the top 50% of the nation so...

Email your name, address and daytime telephone number to beatthenation@endemoluk.com or call 09066 800 604. Calls cost 25p per

minute. Mobile costs vary."

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

* BBC7 is airing repeats of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" again this week.From Monday-Friday each episode airs at noon and 7pm. (www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7)

(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 18th May)

* "I’m Sorry I Haven't A Clue" Volumes 2 to 6 are due to be released on CDon 7 July (these sets have previously been released on audio cassette). In addition, a box set of CD Volumes 4 to 6 is scheduled to be released on 1 September. The suggested retail price of the individual volumes is £12.99 and the 3-volume box set is priced at £34.99.

4. FEATURE ARTICLE

(contributed by Lisa Manekofsky)

The following article appeared in the 18-24 September 1976 issue of Radio Times:

"The Goodies On The Goodies"

by Victoria Hainworth

Why, one might ask, when there are three of them, each as versatile as the other, is it always the same one who plays the woman? Every time the Goodies are on and a woman is called for, there is Tim Brooke-Taylor playing her. It must be something to do with his legs.

'No,' says Graeme Garden, dismissing the suggestion quickly, 'it's just that Bill Oddie and I write the scripts.' He pauses. "That, and our facial hair of course.' He caresses his beard. 'Bill and I made sure we grew some quickly.'

Repartee, it becomes obvious immediately, is not restricted to "The Goodies" scripts. Conversation with Graeme Garden hovers constantly on the borders of joke and straight professionalism. A slight five foot ten, he is quiet and unpretentious – a disarming contrast to the frenzied lunatic of the screen. But at any minute, you feel, he could veer off at a tangent, turning the coffee house where we are meeting into a hailstorm of cream cakes. He resists the temptation.

Today he is far more excited about the project of a new "Goodies" book planned for this autumn, to be followed by their first full film and, more immediately, by the news he has just received that an American network has taken their series. 'I believe we've got quite a good review. I haven't seen it yet. It has taken the Americans rather a long time to make up their minds about us.'

In fact "The Goodies" has been taken by Eastern Educational Network, the reason being, according to the review in "Variety" Garden hadn't yet seen, that: '"The Goodies" has a free-wheeling budget, which could only emanate from a nation and public television system with an enormous sense of humour. To the great good fortune of EEN, the lunacy herein is too rich for American commercial television…'

The enormous sense of humour and the lunacy are a peculiar legacy of the early 60s which has taken the Goodies from the Cambridge Footlights Revue of 1963/4, through "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" (Garden, Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor), to "Twice A Fortnight" (Garden and Oddie) in 1968, "Broaden Your Mind" (Garden and Brooke-Taylor) in 1969, and finally their own programme, "The Goodies", in 1971. 'That sense of humour,' says Garden, 'grew out of a particular three years at Oxford and Cambridge and has led on to the Python brand of humour. I think that it arose out of a particular group of people who were together at the same time and all influenced each other. None of us would have gone into show business if we hadn't been a group. I couldn't say now what created that humour; all I can say is that it was a peculiar three years, and very fruitful.'

For all their seeming spontaneity, the Goodies' madcap adventures and jokes require months of hard work. For the last series of 13 episodes two years ago, the Goodies (and producers, props men and costume department) spent one year of planning. Bill and Graeme will take one week to write one episode, but that comes after one or two meetings at which all three will get together for what they call 'whittling down'.

'We may start off with a list of about 20 ideas for one show,' says Garden, 'but by the end of the meeting only two or three will end up going in . That's because the rest are so rotten.' A joke? His face is deadpan. 'From there we will spend about two days working out the plot and the joke sequences, then we'll go to the visual effects department and the props department to see if we can make the ideas work. Sometimes it's a toss-up whether the ideas go to costumes or props.'

The Goodies' new series, which starts this week, calls for a Nessie-sized rubber monster, assorted wheel-chairs for assorted Hercule Poirots, the inevitable wigs and dresses for Tim, and, among all the other extraordinary paraphernalia, even the odd copy of "Radio Times" to feed to a pet cod that falls unsuspectingly into the care of Graeme Garden. Cracks about "Radio Times" are a regular feature of the series. Why?

'Well, we felt it went downhill ever since the garden shed ads stopped appearing on the back page. So we think we should remind viewers it's the highest circulation magazine in Europe.' Mr Garden looks up quizzically. We are hovering again. Is it coincidence or joke that he picked out, precisely, *garden* sheds?

5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

DAYLIGHT ROBBERY ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS

First screened: 5th October 1976

'Goodies Adventure Holidays' aim to provide an alternative to the usual boring vacations, with the opportunity to do exciting things (as depicted by Bill in various loony poses) such as a week's brain surgery, to scale twelve unconquered peaks in three days and convert seventeen primitive tribes (while being boiled alive and getting a free funeral of your choice afterwards!). Graeme is impressed with his own advertising campaign, but Tim rightly thinks that it's the work of a raving nutter.

The Tours Organiser (Bill dressed as a tree trunk) addresses a meeting of the shareholders (Tim) who is concerned about the expense aspect and explains to wit (as Tim adds "To woo hoo!" for good measure!) that the worldwide tours take place with nobody going more than six miles from Cricklewood. Local gravel pits are used to replicate Loch Ness (as Graeme the Scotsman munches on his tam o'shanter oatcake to add some reality) and although Tim finds it all a con (while Bill prefers the term "rip off"!), he keeps smiling and answers a very cheeky phone call.

The Detectives Club want the most exciting day of their lives for their annual outing, so the Goodies set up a mystery tour on the legendary Orient Express. Graeme does the spruiking while Tim is the lovely hostess who has to welcome the detectives aboard which amazingly include multiple numbers of famous detectives like Hercule Poirot, Kojak, Sherlock Holmes and Ellery Queens. Bill blows the whistle, puts on a train record and carries various items past the window to give the illusion that the train is actually moving, while Graeme keeps the commentary and superb animations flowing and Tim has to rapidly change into sexy costumes as the Orient Express supposedly travels through various European countries.

After 'arriving' in France, they catch a lightning glimpse of the Eiffel Tower and (tin) Cannes (plus a quick flash of the frillies from Tim!), then it's "Guten Morgen Italy!" where the Leaning Tower Of Pisa finally topples over, but is soon up again thanks to Italy's incredibly quick reconstruction workers! Graeme's next stop is Yugoslavia and neither he nor Bill can think of anything notable until Yugoslavia's spectacular trees and cows save the day! Rachel Roberts also makes a brief visit at this point (Tim madly bellowing "Yach-y-daa boyos!"), as the train travels through a tunnel (Bill holding black cardboard over the window!) and Tim is now dressed as a belly dancer, which causes Graeme to ask if they are in Torquay or Greece (or "in pain?" after Tim has gone "Aayaayaayaa!" to give him a clue!), before he establishes that they are now in Egypt with it's famous camels (as the cow goes past the window yet again!).

Graeme tries to put the detectives to bed, but the Kojaks complain as it's still light outside. Graeme claims this is due to the train now being in Lapland and its midnight sun (as Tim wears a fur coat and Bill freezes out in the snow in a reindeer costume), so the Goodies finally get a rest. As the train supposedly heads to Japan, Graeme wants the increasingly bored Tim to give the detectives the full geisha treatment. He admiringly calls Tim a "pretty little thing" and "my little doe eyed vixen!" before he twangs Tim's bra, puts a tea cosy on Tim's head and violently sticks two knitting needles into it! A crime is required for the detectives to solve though, so a tired, fed-up (and rather smelly) Bill threatens to oblige by killing Graeme, for he had sheltered beneath the train from the snow (right underneath the toilets!) and angrily hands back the train record, as he refuses to do any more work.

However there is still a chuffing sound and when Bill steps out the door, he lands on his cow and sees the train heading off into the distance. He frantically chases it as it heads south from Dover and clobbers Tim after he climbs aboard again. Tim is back in his Union Jack waistcoat by now and informs the shocked detectives that a theft has taken place on this very train (or more precisely, of the train) and that the thief is among them, so nobody can leave the train (as they are at the bottom of the ocean). The evidence points to the Goodies themselves, but they are more concerned that the old rhyme is coming true with the parties of detectives being disposed of one by one, including the Ellery Queens in the detached dining carriage, the Shafts in the exploding loo and the Hercule Poirots dying en masse after drinking arsenic wine poisoned with cyanide!

Tim is the chief suspect (being the last person to touch the wine bottle after the the Poirots have pegged it) and he decides to make a run for it, only to find that the train is several hundred metres off the ground supported by ropes from two helicopters. 'The Goodies' assure everyone that things are okay, but they sneak into the back carriage to reveal that the real Goodies are tied up there. The imposters have hijacked the train to the Cannes Festival Of Le Boring, where the British team of bores (including John Peel and Vanessa Redgrave) face a stiff challenge from the French team (Charles Aznovoice, Brigitte Bardot and Sasha Disgrace!) for the legendary Rose Bore. A Spanish gypsy folk singer bores the daylights out of the crowd, but they initially cheer when the Orient Express crashes through the wall of the stadium and the imposters emerge as white-faced miming clowns, only to despair when the mimes start to act out the whole six and a half hours of 'Murder On The Orient Express' in an independent attempt to win the Rose Bore.

The real Goodies finally free themselves (after the goat nibbles through Graeme and Tim's ropes and Graeme nibbles Bill's rope in turn!) and try to relieve the tedium with a music act which soon comes to grief as the imposters explode their instruments with mimed guns and grenades. A set of mimed obstacles keep the Goodies at bay, but they soon receive support from the various detectives all riding in wheelchairs and eventually climb into wheelchairs themselves (as does the goat!) The imposters still retain the upper hand, as they mime the placement of various obstacles like tacks and banana peels on the roads to send the wheelchairs out of control and when several of the detectives are met head on by a not-so-imaginary truck, it seems as though the baddies will escape in their row boat. However the wheelchair-riding goat butts one baddie in the bum as he stands on the pier and he crashes heavily through the bottom of the boat and sinks his two colleagues in the bargain. This draws derisive mimed goat gestures from the real Goodies, who look up to see their Le Boring scores (which weren't low enough to win anyway!)

* Graeme: "As we travel merrily on our way through ... ooh ... Yugoslavia. (Bill shrugs shoulders in despair at window) Yugoslavia. Famous for its ... its ... er ... (Bill carries tree past window) ... trees! Reknowned the world over! As indeed are the colourful and picturesque Yugoslavian ... er ... er ... er Yugoslavian ... (totally stuck until Bill carries cow past) ... COWS!!"

* Bill "It's just like the rhyme, you see. Ten little (everyone clears throats) sitting down to dine. Someone cut their couplings off (all grimace) and then there were nine!

* The 4 Hercule Poirots (in unison): "Who can tell. Ze assassin whoever he or she may be could strike at, how you say, (grab throats and start swaying to and fro) EEEH!, OOOH!, AAAH!, OOOH!, SACRE BLEU!, AAAH! (before they all snuff it together!)

* Tim (checking wine bottle): "Hang about, what's that?" (points to 'arsenic' label on bottle)

Graeme: "The characteristic smell of bitter almonds."

Bill: "Isn't that cyanide?"

Graeme: "Precisely. This arsenic has been poisoned!"

* Graeme: "Try the goat."

Tim (still tied up - sheepishly): "Not now thanks!"

Graeme: "Get the goat to gnaw through your ropes!"

Tim: "What's the fun in that?!"

* Graeme's inspired advertising campaign for Goodie Hols, featuring Bill in a variety of poses including bare bellied with a cloth cap on, proudly showing off a dead cat (as a big game hunter) and menacingly brandishing two huge knives (offering a weeks brain surgery!), with other fun activities offered like rediscovering the dodo (Bill in his 'Dodonuts' costume) or as missionaries converting 17 primitive tribes and being boiled alive (with a free funeral of your choice!). The motto of 'Holidays for the loony, er specialist, whatever your kink, er speciality' prompts Tim to declare "To think up something like that you must be a raving nutter", to which Graeme agrees that it does help!

* The various scenes of the Detectives Club mystery tour on the Orient Express, with Bill running up and down the platform carrying objects like trees, cows and the Leaning Tower Of Pisa to make the stationary train look like it is moving, Tim changing into a beautiful maiden for each country that they supposedly pass through on the train trip and Graeme providing the non stop commentary with some brilliant ad libbing in times of trouble (like when he can't find anything notable in Yugoslavia to comment about)

* The groups of detectives being knocked off one by one (just like the rhyme says!) with the Ellery Queens dining carriage being unhitched and the Shafts being blown up in the bog, culminating in the sensational synchronised death dives of the Hercule Poirots after sipping their arsenic wine (which has been poisoned with cyanide!)

* Some aspects of the final chase scene in wheelchairs like an Ellery Queen spinning out on a mimed banana skin and sailing high over a hedge, another detective suffering a blowout on a mimed tack and somersaulting into a pile of rubbish bins in an alley and finally the miming baddies coming unstuck when the wheelchair-powered goat butts one of them in the bum and he crashes through the bottom of the boat, foiling their getaway plans.

Rather abstract and very interesting, especially the epic train journey for the multiple detectives with each of the three Goodies doing a brilliant job in keeping the sequence ticking over. The Le Boring festival and following mime sequences drag on a bit by comparison, but overall a quite enjoyable episode.

III Goody Goody Yum Yum

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

July Episode Summary –

Black And White Beauty