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THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 91 17th July 2003

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER

- Christine Thompson, Daniel Bowen, Smeghead, Amanda Stokes, Liz, Michael Shaw

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. FROM THE GOODIES BOOKS - Bill's rotten dream.

5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - Daylight Robbery On The Orient Express

6. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #19

7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "That's Nastase in there. (crate rattles violently) Save it Nasty, save it! And John Lloyd in here ... and Chrissy?! Stop that, you'll ruin your service!"

(a) Which Goodie says this quote?

(b) Who is he pretending to be?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "U-Friend Or UFO"

(d) What is the name of Tim's new restaurant?

(e) Whose empty vehicle crashes into the back of Bill's ute?

(f) What name does Tim give his new robot helper?

(g) How does this robot speak to the aliens?

(h) Complete this quote from the end of the show: "It's a bird. It's a plane. ... "

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

GOOD GOODIES NEWS FOR AUSSIE FANS ...

When "The Goodies At Last" DVD was released back in April, it was only available for purchase in the UK and there were no immediate plans for it to be released in Australia, forcing Australian Goodies fans to purchase it from online retailers in the UK like Amazon and Blackstar.

Thankfully there seems to have been a change of plans and the DVD will soon be available from Australian retailers like the ABC Shop. Christine Thompson, who works at an ABC Shop, kindly provided us with the following information:

"Just a quick update on Goodies DVD

Instore release date first week of September 2003

Episodes – Tower of London, Gender Education, Kitten Kong (Montreux Special), The Goodies and the Beanstalk, Kung Fu Kapers, Lighthouse Keeping Loonies, Earthanasia, Saturday Night Grease

Extras - The Goodies and the Beanstalk storyboard, The Goodies and the Beanstalk laughter free track, Goodies commentaries, Out-takes, Surviving 'Broaden Your Mind' footage

Released by Village Roadshow

ABC Shops & Online will be selling this."

The DVD will also be available through the following online retailers, with thanks to Daniel Bowen and Smeghead:

The MichaelDVD site now lists this as being released on 1st September.

http://www.michaeldvd.com.au/Discs/Disc.asp?ID=7126

...which matches the Family Box Office listing

http://www.fbo.com.au/movie.asp?ID=9451

though FBO think it's "Series 1"

...as does PlanetDVD

http://www.planetdvd.com.au/dvdinf.asp?i=4956

More information about the Australian release of "The Goodies At Last" DVD will appear in future C&Gs as it comes to hand.

(Alison Bean - Goodies-l - 16th June)

An online Top of The Pops database located at http://www.bbc.co.uk/cgi-bin/totpperf/search.pl lists 6 appearances by the Goodies on the show. They are:

12/12/74 - The Inbetweenies

06/03/75 - Funky Gibbon

20/03/75 - Funky Gibbon

10/04/75 - Funky Gibbon

07/12/78 - A Man's Best Friend Is His Duck

04/01/94 - Funky Gibbon

The April 1975 and January 1994 appearances were repeats but the database implies that The Goodies performed Funky Gibbon twice in 1975. Can anyone confirm this?

GOODIES VIDEOS AT ABC SHOPS

(by Christine Thompson)

Regarding the VHS of the Goodies, the two that the ABC stores can get are

RED COVER - Kitten Kong, Scatty Safari & Scoutrageous $12.45

BLUE COVER - Bunfight At The OK Tea Room, Beanstalk , The End $30.95

NB. The Blue Goodies (Bunfight, Beanstalk & The End) is not going to be grouped with the 2 for under $25 promotion, as the promotion started prior to Christmas and it is not controlled by the ABC. It is also not going to marked down in the Mid year sale either (June 16-29 2003)

As far as the stores are aware we can only get them as single VHS not as a double pack as stated by Fiona Campbell in the last update.

Just to let you know what is going on, as I work in the ABC Stores and often get asked about the VHS & DVD updates.

GOODIES DVD RULES OK

I just visited the BBC Shop's website http://www.bbcshop.com/bin/venda?ex=co_disp-view&bsref=bbc&icat=top10 and I noticed that the Goodies DVD is listed at #7 in their Best Sellers list.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 20th June)

BRING BACK THE GOODIES

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - 8th July)

The Radio Times has an Anniversary poll, question 6 is what classic TV series should be revived and The Goodies is an option.

http://www.radiotimes.beeb.com/content/competitions/80th_birthday_poll/

GOODIES IN CULT TIMES AGAIN

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - 13th July)

There is a 5 page interview with the Goodies (well bits left over from Cult Times Issue 92) in the new Cult Times Special #26 which concentrates on life after the Goodies.

BEAN THERE, DONE THAT

(contributed by Lisa Manekofsky)

The following article appeared in the 14-20 December 1974 issue of Radio Times, when "The Goodies and the Beanstalk" was repeated on BBC1.

"Goodies's beanstalk"

You can be sure that when The Goodies get to work on a well-known children's story like "Jack and the Beanstalk" ("The Goodies and the Beanstalk," Friday 7.45 pm BBC1), few children will recognize the new version. Least of all the Goodies's own children.

No one wants a Baddy for a daddy of course, but at home do they take their manic fathers seriously? Tim Brooke-Taylor thinks his (Ben who's 5, Edward who's 3 1/2) do. 'They've seen me on the box for so long, they're hardly aware that not everyone's dad is on television. Ben's just old enough to realize now that it's not the norm.'

But being a professional lunatic has problems. Graeme Garden's 3 1/2-year-old daughter gets quite concerned about her father running through brick walls or being crushed by heavy weights.

Bill Oddie's eldest daughter Katie (who's 6) finds she gets an awful lot of attention at school – though it does help to have Peter Cook's and Mike Palin's kids there too. 'In fact,' says Bill, 'if your father hasn't got a TV series on at least once a year, you're expelled.'

But how about keeping the children amused in person? 'Oh, I tell them all the traditional stories at bedtime,' says Tim. 'At least I try to, except they keep insisting the hero should be Ben's rabbit or Edward's teddy.'

'And really they prefer to provide their own ingredients for a story, which nearly always come from television, like "Fingerbobs", or "Tom and Jerry", and - yes – "The Goodies" too.'

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* A friend of mine from Scotland said she read in the newspaper today that Bill Oddie received an Honour in the Queen's Birthday Honours List. It was in recognition for his work in conservation matters. Bet Tim's jealous! When *are* they going to get those OBE's anyway??

The story is covered here, and mentions The Goodies:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/england/manchester/2989408.stm

(from information provided by Linda Kay and Daniel Bowen - Goodies-l - 14th June)

* "Wild in Your Garden with Bill Oddie" is featured in a two page feature in the Summer Term edition of "Smart TV". There are a few comments from producer Colin Jackson but nothing from Bill except a nice photo.

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - 15th June)

* An episode of "Through the Keyhole" with Bill Oddie is being repeated on 4 July on BBC 1 at 12:30. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 2nd July)

GRAEME & TIM SPOTTINGS

* BBC7 is repeating "In Conversation with...Tim Brooke Taylor and Graeme Garden" on 14 July at 8:00 and 22:30. For anyone unfamiliar with this show, here's the listing: "Paul Jackson chats to comedy writers and performers about their lives and work. This edition focuses on former Goodies Tim Brooke Taylor and Graeme Garden." (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 2nd July)

* The sitcom "TLC", in which Tim Brooke-Taylor has a small role, is currently airing in Australia on ABC at 9pm on Thursdays.

(from information provided by Amanda Stokes, Michael Shaw, Lisa Manekofsky and Liz - 2nd July))

* On behalf of all members of "The Goodies Rule OK" fan club, the C&G team would like to wish Tim a very Happy Birthday for today, July 17th. Hope that you're having a great day, Tim!

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

* The following items appear in today's edition of the BBC7 newsletter. For those who aren't familiar with it, "Hello Cheeky" was a radio show whose cast included Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, and John Junkin (the tv version of the show gets a mention in the Goodies episode "It Might As Well Be String").

"Don't forget to tune in this Saturday for Barry Cryer's Comedy Greats - at 8am and again at 9pm. This week he's got his platform boots on for the best of the glamtastic Seventies which includes 'All Gas and Gaiters', 'The Frankie Howerd Show', 'Hello Cheeky', 'Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads' and 'Parsley Sidings'. http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7/comedy/index.shtml?Today

Then from Monday to Friday you can hear: 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue', 'The News Quiz', 'Quote Unquote', 'Just A Minute', and finally 'My Word', the panel game starring the gifted writing/performing duo Frank Muir and Denis Norden, joined in this 1980 programme by Dilys Powell and Lady Antonia Fraser.

And a programme not to be missed by 'Clue' fans is Sunday's 'That Reminds Me' as the guest is the illustrious chairman, Humphrey Lyttlelton. http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7/comedy/classic.shtml "

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 13th June)

* BBC 7 are revamping the 12 noon quiz show strand and I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue will now be a permanent fixture every Monday from Monday 16th June at 12 Noon and 7pm. (David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - 15th June)

* In today's edition of the BBC7 newsletter they mentioned that tomorrow's (21 June) edition of "Barry Cryer's Comedy Greats" will include "a Willie Rushton edition of 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue' from July 1977".

"Comedy Greats" airs from 8:00-11:00 and then is repeated 21:00-00:00 on BBC7 (www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7). I don't know when in the program the episode of ISIHAC will air.

Also, the newsletter mentioned that in the coming weeks they'll be playing a series of "Hello Cheeky", the 1970s comedy series which starred Tim Brooke-Taylor, Barry Cryer, and John Junkin. There's no word on the actual start date but we'll keep an eye out for it.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 20th June)

4. FROM THE GOODIES BOOKS

This month's book extract is from "The Goodies Book Of Criminal Records" (1975)

MY HORRID, ROTTEN, STINKING DREAM...DREAM? SODDIN' BLEEDIN' NIGHTMARE I'D SAY

First of all I was in this glitter suit, only it wasn't so much a suit as a jockstrap. And I was riding this whacking big motorbike, with a ruddy big exhaust pipe, and I was being chased by all the girls from the Younger Generation and Pan's People and the Three Degrees.

Then all of a sudden, Mary Whitehouse came tazzing up and overtook the lot of them, and she was riding this horse ... only it wasn't really a horse, it was Lord Longford. And then she leapt off him onto my pillion, and my motorbike turned into a hovercraft.

And then Lew Grade ran up and burst the hovercraft with his nose and it flew off like a balloon (the hovercraft, not his nose) and I fell off and kept falling and falling, until I landed in a huge pool of Elvis Presley's hair oil. Then I got out and I was trying to climb up this cliff face ... only it wasn't a cliff, it was all pink and smooth and horrible, and it reminded me of Nicholas Parsons' cheeks. And then I suddenly realised ... it WAS Nicholas Parsons' cheeks. And I kept sliding down them, 'cos there was no hairs, so I had nothing to cling onto. But then all of a sudden he got his hanky out to blow his nose and it all smelt of TPC and rose water; and anyway he did blow his nose and he stuffed me up his left nostril.

It was all dark in there until suddenly a light came on and there was Eamon Andrews, and he said "This Is Your Life, Bill Oddie." And then suddenly I was on the telly and it WAS "This Is Your Life" and Eamon was saying "Do you recognise THIS voice?" and I said "Yes, that's Crippen, a budgie I once had". Eamon said "Yes, come in Crippen" and on came this budgie, only it wasn't a little budgie, it was bloody enormous, and it wasn't Crippen at all, it didn't even have a budgie's face, it had Tony Blackburn's!

It kept telling rotten jokes and saying "Who's a pretty boy, then?" And then suddenly Eamon Andrews took his wig off and hundreds more budgies flew out and they were ALL flipping Tony Blackburn, and they all kept telling jokes and chattering, it was almost as bad as Radio One.

Then one of them picked me up and flew off with me, and then he dropped me, and I was falling again, and I fell right down Vanessa Redgrave's cleavage. As soon as I'd crawled out the other end, a spotlight came on and I'm perched, stark naked, right on top of this one hundred foot flagpole and one of the crocodiles opens his mouth and it's got these ruddy great gleaming white teeth and suddenly I realise that it's not a crocodile, it's Donny Osmond. I think he's going to bite my leg off; but it's worse than that ... he starts to sing.

And that's why I woke up screaming, and I'm jolly glad that I took my half a brick and my machine gun to bed with me; otherwise I'd have been REALLY frightened, although the fire extinguisher wasn't much use.

Anyway, now I'm quite looking forward to the next episode. Night, night.

5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

BLACK & WHITE BEAUTY

First screened: 19th October 1976

Bill and Tim cycle along through the English countryside on the trandem and come across a sign for the Pets Corner rest home for clapped-out old animals, whose proprieter is none other than Dr. G. Garden. On their way to the house, they pass by a succession of crippled old animals and surprise the daylights out of Graeme, who doesn't expect them to find him. Initially they are touched and proud that he is spending his month's holiday looking after old animals, but his evasiveness and eagerness to get rid of them without showing them the animals and also the extremely cold temperature inside the house soon arouses Bill's suspicion.

Tim wants to know the names of all of Graeme's pets, to which Graeme unconvincingly reveals that they are all called "Kenneth". Tim says hello to Kenneth the budgie who promptly goes belly up on its perch and Graeme makes a hamster appear to spring to life, before trying desperately to show that his animals can do tricks (like Kenneth the flying tortoise who is catapulted through the air off a see-saw - with a little help from Graeme's mallet! - and lands on Tim's head), but he is eventually sprung and admits that he has snap frozen the animals, as he can only charge his clients if they think that their pets are still alive.

More old dears arrive and tearfully hand over their precious pets to the extremely callous Graeme, who takes their money and instantly treats their pets with utter contempt. Meanwhile Tim and Bill are covered with ice inside (and throwing another dog on the fire doesn't help matters much!), although Tim enjoys munching on some excellent pickled walnuts until Graeme tells him that they are actually terrapins!

The Goodies open the front door and find a large parcel with an accompanying letter from two old age pensioners who have been saving for many years to buy a horse so that they could send it to a good home ("Please find horse enclosed", with Graeme shaking out the envelope and letter in vain!). They promise to send Graeme their life savings - as soon as he has trained the horse to win the Grand National! (a difficult ask, but even harder by virtue of it being a pantomime horse!) Tim gets all carried away with excitement and lapses into his breathless, brainless, horsey upper class twit character, while Bill sarcastically dismisses Black & White Beauty as a pile of old compost and takes over as tenant at neighboring Sunny Meadows while its owner is on vacation in a bid to train a Grand National winner of his own.

Graeme and Tim put Beauty through a rigorous training session (rigorous for them, as they have to carry the horse everywhere on their shoulders!), as Bill watches through binoculars from over the fence and constantly curses that he must have Beauty for himself. Later, Tim is excitedly knitting a saddle to go with the horseshoes that he has embroidered, but the howling wind outside blows Beauty right out of the yard before Tim and Graeme can put him safely in the stable and Bill's problem of how to get Beauty is promptly solved when the horse trespasses on his property (and his head as well after it descends from a great height!)

Bill's cruel treatment of Beauty (as he jumps up and down on him, hits him with an axe and blasts him with a machine gun) leads to Tim's epic teary run across the meadow, Graeme being pushed into a pile of rubbish bins by a distraught Tim and Bill cackling gleefully as he runs away with Beauty hoisted on his shoulders. Graeme is furious at Bill treating animals like that (while at the same time tearing a strip of fur off a frozen dog or cat to roll for his pipe!), but admits that the headstrong and reckless Beauty now belongs to Bill ... unless they can steal the beggar back, of course!

Tim and Graeme dress as gypsies and boldly attempt to steal the horse, but Bill has seen them enter the stable and so there is just one place for them to hide - inside Beauty himself, with Tim at the front and Graeme at the back. Bill figures that he's scared the hell out the gypsies (as only their clothes are left on the floor) and prepares the trembling Beauty for a shock (wisely putting a bucket on the floor at the back first!) as he reveals that he will ride Beauty in the Grand National tomorrow.

Black & White Beauty is posted as the 10,000-1 rank outsider by the laughing bookmakers, but his odds are trimmed significantly when Bill nobbles all of the real horses with funny cigars containing "certain substances" (which nobble Graeme somewhat too!) and buckets full of Tequila Sunrise. Tim and Graeme finally show themselves to Bill and inform him that they're not even ambling the Grand National, but he insists that they must run because he has put their money on Beauty winning (a little bit of his, a great deal of Tim's and all of Graeme's!) and they now face a challenge from a number of other pantomime horses.

Once off and racing, Black & White Beauty has a few problems with the hedge hurdles (which are soon solved with Bill's use of a ladder then a brushcutter) and is then reduced to half a horse when Graeme almost drowns in the water jump. However Beauty comes back strongly and is involved in a photo finish - posing for a spread of 10 x 8 glossies just before the winning post - while all of the other horses go past the post in the mean time. Bill is then pictured aboard a milk cart as he grumbles "You lost it - you're gonna have to earn it!", while Tim and Graeme inside Black & White Beauty provide the 'horsepower' at the front.

* Graeme (about his animals): "All right, they're dead. I admit it. Look, when they come to me they're old, they're frail, they don't last very long ... not the way I treat 'em!"

* Tim (horrified): "Really. How could you deceive these people?! These loving, caring, lonely ..."

Tim (changing tune): "... rich people who deserve every penny we can screw out of them!"

* Bill (sarcastically - about Tim's lack of horse sense): "You don't even know which end the bit goes!"

Tim: "Yes I do ... and don't be so vulgar!"

* Graeme (hearing the gales outside): "My, my, listen to that wind."

Tim: "Sorry, sorry, it's just that I'm so excited!"

* Tim (examining the 'funny cigar'): "That's certain substances, that is!" ..."Graeme, have a sniff."

(Graeme is still in horseskin with his head next to Tim's nether regions)

Tim (warily) "No, out here!"

Tim & Graeme (in sing-song voices): "Hello, we are the gypsies! Coming to steal the horse!"

* Graeme being extremely evasive with Bill and Tim about his home for clapped out old animals, blaming the freezing room temperature on the house being old and draughty, quickly showing them the animals before trying to send them on their way, responding to Tim's query about names with the remarkable revelation that every single one of the animals is called "Kenneth" and trying in vain to fake some movements and tricks from his animals, before finally coming clean that all of them are dead and are being kept looking fresh in the deep freeze-like conditions so that he can screw more money from their rich owners.

* The procession of sad old owners handing over their precious pets to a suitably solemn Graeme, who takes their money, then cruelly despatches of their pets (kicking a cat through the door, throwing the cage containing "poor old Polly" through an upper window and machine gunning a stick insect), before nonchalantly waving goodbye to the owners with a dismissive expression on his face.

* Bill frustratedly pacing up and down along the fenceline plotting how to get his hands on Black & White Beauty, only for the horse to land on his head after being swept from the yard by the strong wind. Bill's subsequent brutal cruelty to Beauty (like tipping garbage on him and skittling him with a tractor) leads to one of the all-time classic Goodies scenes of a sobbing Tim dramatically loping across the meadow to the 'Black Beauty' theme, with Graeme stretching his arms out in consolation only for a distraught Tim to push him on yet another spectacular fall into a pile of rubbish bins!

* Graeme and Tim dressed as gypsies and loudly advertising the fact that they are coming to steal Black & White Beauty, before finally realising that Bill will shoot them on the spot and hurriedly removing their gypsy gear and hiding inside the horse, with Bill menacingly entering, spotting the piles of clothes and remarking "My God, I must have scared 'em!"

* Tim being shocked that the horse in the next stall has been drinking and is also puffing away on a funny cigar made of "certain substances", with Graeme getting convincingly high himself after taking a sniff ("Hey, where'd you get the stuff man! Cool baby, cool!") and Tim's discovery of a mixture of Tequila Sunrise in the horse's bucket, several needles protruding from its rump and little reaction after hitting it across the face with a shovel (a remedy which helps to bring around a spaced-out Graeme shortly afterwards!), finally leading him to conclude that Bill has nobbled the other horses too.

The rather amusing characterisations from each of the three Goodies (Graeme's callous animal attendant, Bill's even more callous horse trainer and Tim's upper class horsey twit persona) help to reinforce what perhaps isn't one of their strongest plots (as it relies heavily on laughs from the supposed ill treatment of animals, which may not appeal to everyone), although some of the classic scenes really stick in the memory for certain.

III Goody Goody Yum Yum

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

August Episode Summary – It Might As Well Be String

6. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #19

12th May, 1973 No. 42

Cover banner: "Goody-Goody! TV Stars "The Goodies" Appear Inside!"

Many of the basic plots of the Goodies episodes involve the trio being asked to help accomplish some task by an outside person, only to eventually get involved in a scheme in which they might themselves be able to make money, and finally there's the inevitable let-down at the end when their scheme backfires and they end up worse off than when they started. The comics often borrowed this formula to good effect, as in this month's Cor comic we'll be reviewing.

Header: YOU CAN'T HOLD A TORCH TO THE GOODIES WHEN IT COMES TO FINDING A MAGIC LAMP!

An Arab man dressed in very old-fashioned clothing (including curled shoes) stands in the Goodies office looking quite annoyed. Graeme addresses him confidently while Bill peeks in confusion from behind Graeme and Tim relaxes at a desk behind both of them (Graeme's computer can be seen in the background, as well as a sign which reads "We do anything – any time").

ARAB: I sent my lad ALADDIN out to get a MAGIC LAMP two thousand years ago, and he's not back yet! I want you to find it for me!

GRAEME: Right, my old CHINA!

The Goodies ride their trandem through a grassy, rocky terrain in their search for the missing Aladdin. Bill is sitting with his legs up, letting the others pedal.

TIM: As I remember from a panto, Aladdin found his lamp in a cave somewhere!

BILL: Yeah, but how do we find a cave?

They trandem suddenly hits the rocky opening to a cave that goes straight down in the ground. The Goodies are pitched forward into the opening.

TIM, GRAEME and BILL: Arrrgh! We let a cave find US!

The Goodies are making their way through the caves, Tim carrying a flashlight. Suddenly a voice somewhere in the distance calls for help.

BILL: We've walked miles - but we're getting nowhere!

GRAEME: Hark! A holler for help!

They reach the source of the voice, the missing Aladdin! The collection of empty tins around him and a tea kettle boiling on a fire indicate Aladdin has been there for some time.

TIM: Hey, it's ALADDIN - AND he's got the lamp!

ALADDIN: I've been lost down here for ages! The genie won't help me - he's too scared to come out of his lamp!

Tim panics, leaping up into Graeme's arms as Bill slyly winds up a toy mouse.

TIM: Oh, no ... that means we're ALL lost ... H-E-L-P!

BILL (whispering to Graeme): Lucky I had this clockwork mouse with me - you know how scared Tim is of mice ... well, it's given me an idea for getting out of here ... whisper whisper!

Bill releases the clockwork mouse and Tim races away from it in sheer fright. The others excitedly follow Tim as he runs away.

TIM: EEK! A marauding mouse!

BILL: It's working ... follow him! He's SO TERRIFIED, he'll find the exit by INSTINCT!

They find their way out of the cave. Aladdin takes the Goodies trandem and leaves them behind with the lamp, which they start to fight over.

ALADDIN: Me swop you lamp for a ride on thy curious chariot and throw in the genie as well! Me bring bike back to GOODIES' OFFICE later!

TIM: Bags I first rub on the lamp!

Tim rubs the lamp and an angry looking genie appears, glowering down at the Goodies.

GENIE: Thou callest, oh moon-faced master, thy wish is my command!

TIM: Well, my poor tootsies are playing up - how about arranging my transport home?

The genie conjures up a flying carpet (bearing a tag that reads "Export reject") which proceeds to take off and run amok while Tim hangs onto the back for dear life. The other Goodies are left far below as Tim soars into the air.

TIM: Oh, no! A MAGIC CARPET!

Tim is flying up around other planes (one commercial jet and a small open-cockpit plane) and yells to the genie, who has zoomed up to hear his request.

OPEN COCKPIT PLANE PILOT (to Tim): AIR-HOG!

TIM: Argh! Get me down to earth, you gormless genie!

GENIE: To hear is to obey!

Tim comes crashing to earth head first, landing with an awful smash at Bill and Graeme's feet. Bill now holds the lamp confidently.

TIM: Ye-ouch! Not exactly a cushioned landing!

BILL: Huh ... you can't handle spirits! Let me have a bash!

Bill rubs the lamp and conjures the genie. He is looking excited, drooling and with pound signs in his eyes. It's clear to see what's on his mind. The genie is quickly thumbing through a booklet entitled "Spirit's Guide to 20th Century Living" (cost 10 p) to interpret Bill's wish.

BILL: I want lots of LOLLY - so that I won't need any more help from you to get the things I want!

GENIE: "LOLLY" oh master of the face fungus?

The genie proceeds to freeze Bill into a giant ice lolly (with a loud SPLAAAMM!), much to Bill's shock.