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THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 95 12th November 2003

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

- David Piper-Balston

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER:

C&G CONTRIBUTORS: Graeme Garden, Vicky Booker, Stephen Oakes, Wendy Hill, Brian Labza, Michael Shaw, Tim Aslat.

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY – Alternative Roots

5. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #23

6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "Remember friends, we are Englishmen. We'll do it. Not for reasons of personal pride. Not for the glory. Not even for the thrill. We'll do it for one thing and one thing only ..."

(a) Which Goodie says this quote?

(b) What is the final phrase to complete this quote?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "The Clown Virus"

(d) What is the name of the American Army Major who summons the Goodies?

(e) What sort of product are they asked to dispose of?

(f) Which specially designed machine do they attempt to use for this purpose?

(g) What does this product do to the Goodies after they eat it?

(h) Who has placed a large order for the Clap Gas?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

AWESOME ORSON GOODIES

Two C&Gs ago I wrote about the history and content of 'Orson Welles' London', a 29 minute television programme made by Welles in 1968 and 1971 and co-starring Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Jonathan Lynn (best known as co-writer of 'Yes, Minister' and 'Yes, Prime Minister') and featuring one of Bill Oddie's songs. It was screened at the NFT (National Film Theatre, London) on 30th September, along with three other rarely seen television programmes written, directed by and starring Orson Welles. The screening was introduced by Stefan Droessler of Filmmuseum Munich. Filmmuseum Munich has been responsible for the restoration of the 'Orson Welles' London', which had been given to them by Welles' wife Oja Kodar.

'London' was commissioned by the American television company CBS; it was to be part of a series of three films about European cities (London, Vienna and Venice). The format of the series was obviously very loose, as 'London' consisted of five comedy sketches, while 'Venice' featured Welles performing extracts from Shakespeare's 'The Merchant of Venice'. The bulk of 'London' was shot in 1968, but before completion CBS cut their funding. Undeterred, Welles changed the title to 'The One-man Band' and kept on filming. Perhaps unhappy with the result or unable to find a buyer for the programme, Welles re-shot parts of one sketch and also filmed linking material for the sketches in 1971. The programme was then abandoned and forgotten, Welles even lost the sound to one of the sketches in 1970s. With all this to contend with, Filmmuseum Munich have done an excellent job restoring the film and tracing some of its history.

The sketches in 'London' are 'Churchill', 'Swinging London', 'Four Clubmen', 'Stately Homes' and 'Tailors'. 'Churchill' features Welles as Winston Churchill, with Oja Kodar as Lady Churchill. Mostly shot in darkness or silhoutte, Churchill is bombarded with a series of questions about his politics from three unseen interviewers (two male, one female). One of the interviewers, the first to be heard, is Graeme Garden. The other male interviewer sounds very much like Jonathan Lynn. The female interviewer I could not identify.

'Swinging London' is familiar to many Goodies fans as it appeared in the 1996 documentary 'The Lost Films of Orson Welles'. It is shot in London's West End, and features Tim Brooke-Taylor as a bowler-hatted travelogue compere, vainly trying to find Carnaby Street and some swingers, but having to settle for a Chinese strip-joint owner, an old woman selling violets, a stereotypical London policeman, a tramp busking as one-man band and other West End characters, all played by Welles. The version of this sketch as it appeared in 'London' was longer than that familiar from 'The Lost Films of Orson Welles', containing more extensive footage of Welles' characters. Of special interest to Goodies fans is that Bill Oddie's song 'One Man Band', sung in this instance by Welles, is background music during parts of this sketch.

'Four Clubmen' is set in a gentleman's club and features Welles as all four of the clubmen, with Lynn as their elderly waiter. The soundtrack for this sketch was lost in the 70s, although the sound effects track still exists. Filmmuseum Munich and Oja Kodar have devoted a lot of time to restoring this sketch, but with little success. Unable to find the script, they hired lip-readers in the hope that they could work out what the Four Clubmen were saying. Sadly the lip-readers were unable to identify anything apart from the odd word, as Welles was heavily made up and doing accents when he played the men. Watching this sketch without dialogue is therefore a surreal experience and the only joke that works in this context is when Lynn's waiter trips up rather spectacularly, sending a tray of drinks flying across the room.

'Stately Homes' is again familiar from 'The Lost Films of Orson Welles' and as I have described, parts of this sketch were re-shot three years after the original filming took place, removing most of the voiceovers by Graeme Garden. Welles plays himself interviewing Lord Plumfield (Welles again), a hard-up aristocrat who has been forced to open his family home to the public. Kodar plays Lady Plumfield, a silent character with a disconcerting stare, Brooke-Taylor plays Algy Plumfield, their dim-witted son, and Blemish, the butler is played by a man who looks very much like Graeme Garden (it is difficult to confirm this as Blemish is a silent part and he is not shot close up). The edit of this sketch seemed a little looser in 'London' than it was in 'The Lost Films of Orson Welles'. Also, at the conclusion of the sketch in 'London' there is a brief shot of Brooke-Taylor as Algy falling over. I suspect this is a blooper or a piece of footage edited from the film by Welles, but included when 'London' was put together, as it does not fit in with the sketch proper.

The final sketch, 'Tailors', is the funniest of the five. Mr Short, an American (Welles), goes to a Saville Row tailor to have a suit made. Mr Mapleton the tailor (Charles Gray) and his assistant (Jonathan Lynn) are rather unimpressed by Mr Short and proceed to humiliate him in various ways as they measure him for his suit, such as commenting on his weight behind his back. Welles is marvelous as the victim of Gray and Lynn's jibes.

It is a shame that these sketches were lost for so many years and that relatively little is known about them. The identity of the writers remains a mystery, other than they were young and British. This points in the direction of the Oxbridge generation of the 60s, which included The Goodies, Monty Python and Jonathan Lynn. While it is plausible, I, and the Monty Python expert I saw 'London' with, concluded that while the themes of the sketches (travelogue spoofs, popular culture, the aristocracy and the establishment) were common in Goodies episodes and Python sketches, the style of the comedy in these sketches was different. This is not suggest that future Goodies and Pythons were not involved in writing these sketches (after all, Oddie wrote the song 'One Man Band'), but if they were I would not be surprised to hear that someone, probably Welles, had significantly edited their scripts prior to filming.

At the conclusion of this presentation at the NFT, Stefan Droessler and Oja Kodar appealed for further information regarding these sketches. They are particularly interested in identifying the writers or finding copies of the scripts. If you have any information please write to:

Filmmuseum im Munchner Stadmuseum

SECRET POLICEMAN'S BALL

(by David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l -October 21st)

The DVD 4 disc set of the Amnesty concerts have been re-released at a bargain price under the name "The Secret Policeman's Ball - The Complete Edition". OK so it's not exactly complete and the picture quality leads a lot to be desired but you do get to see The Goodies perform The Funky Gibbon among many other treats.

www.amazon.co.uk have it at just under £15 or UK peeps may like to order through www.dvdpopcorn.co.uk for £14 with free delivery.

A PLAGUE OF ROLF HARRISES

(from information contributed by Stephen Oakes, Wendy Hill and Brian Labza - Goodies-l - October 27th)

On ABC TV show 'Love is in the Air', they showed a few seconds of the Goodies' Rolf Harris episode! Specifically, 'Love is in the Air' showed the scene where Bill is reading about the habitat of Rolf Harris 'number of legs - variable'. Then the scene with the Rolf Harrises in the zoo with Tim doing the newsreel voice over. And then showed the Rolf Harrises being Pied Pipered away. But they cut just before the end with Jake the Peg being too slow to join the other Rolf Harrises. Considering it was an hour-long show about Australian pop music, I thought they showed a fair amount - probably a full minute. Which is more than some of the well-known Australian bands of the time got. But, it makes sense. The 'Love is in the Air' series is produced and shown on the ABC.

I thought it was quite a long clip of the Rolf Harris episode, and not just one scene but a variety of scenes. As far as I could tell, BO was the only Goody on screen, reading the description of Rolf Harrises, although I missed the start.

I presume also this means that the ABC's tapes of The Goodies are still lurking around in the ABC vaults somewhere, although this is by no means certain as they could have obtained a copy from the BBC for the program. If they used the old prints, this would presumably mean that, if the ABC were to repeat The Goodies, they are likely to still show the censored 1970's prints that they have always trotted out.

It also means that the compiler(s) of the Love Is In The Air program have a strong enough memory of the Goodies show to place clips in a program in 2003!! Presumably this is someone at the ABC who grew up, like many of the rest of us, watching the blanket screenings through the late 1970's and 1980's. I think Bill, Graeme and Tim would be amused to discover that clips from their 1975 comedy program were used in 2003 to illustrate the pop cultural significance of Rolf Harris to Australia.

3. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* While visiting some friends in London this weekend, they mentioned Bill Oddie twice. There was a picture of him in the Metro (free paper given away on the Underground) receiving his OBE at the Palace last week. Apparently he was wearing a suit, but with a flamboyant Hawaiian style shirt underneath (they didn't have a copy unfortunately).

He was also wearing a similar shirt, they told me, on breakfast telly on Tuesday. They said he was talking about his new History programme and "got a bit sniffy when asked about the Goodies." That was one friend's opinion, the other then said that it was more that Bill got annoyed at the BBC for not repeating the Goodies and went off on a bit of a rant about "people in this building won't show it." My friends said that that they thought it was rather tactless, or poor research on the part of the interviewer to have brought it up.

As someone else on this list commented recently, it must seem bizarre (to say the least) for all three of them to always be introduced as "one of the Goodies," when it hasn't been shown in the UK for so long and younger audiences may wonder what's being referred to. (Vicky Booker - Goodies-l - October 20th)

* There's a small photo of Bill Oddie receiving his OBE at http://www.itv.com/news/1298625.html . Unfortunately, it's a side view so

you can't see much of Bill's face.

Here's the article that accompanies the photo:

Greater plumed Oddie spotted

16.28PM BST, 16 Oct 2003

Wildlife broadcaster Bill Oddie said Buckingham Palace is "not my normal habitat" after receiving his OBE from the Queen.

The comic - who made his name in the madcap 1970s show The Goodies - had to buy a suit for the first time in 20 years for the ceremony which honoured his conservation work. But he kept an informal air by wearing an open-necked green and black shirt complete with fiery suns and dragons. "It looks wildlifey," he explained.

The 62-year-old, originally from Rochdale, said there was a certain irony in the situation. "I've been joking about OBEs for 20 years or more," he said. "We've awarded them to each other many times. "I think the Royal Family are showing an excellent sense of humour because I've been sending them up rotten for years.

"But seriously, it's nice to get recognition. If my programmes have got people interested in caring about wildlife, that's satisfying."

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - October 21st)

* Bill Oddie will narrate a nature show called "Stately Stoats", to be shown on BBC 2 on 16th November from 17:45-17:55. Here's a listing for the show:

"Nature documentary, narrated by Bill Oddie, following the exploits of a female stoat trying to raise a family in the grounds of Kedleston Hall, one of Derbyshire's finest stately homes." (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - November 3rd)

* Watching the ABC I was suddenly shocked to see someone impersonating Bill saying something like:

"Hello, I'm Bill Oddie, and I'm here doing yet another stupid wildlife program because the BBC won't repeat 'The Goodies'".

Incidentally, the name of the show was Dead Ringers.

Wish I had a video for that one, because it's probably close to the truth (at least the bit about the BBC not repeating 'The Goodies')

(Tim Aslat - Goodies-l - November 7th)

GRAEME SPOTTINGS

* The second series of BBC Radio 4's "Giles Wemmbley-Hogg Goes Off" begins today at 18:30. The series is written by Marcus Brigstocke and Jeremy Salsby with additional material by Graeme Garden.

Here's a brief description, from Radio 4's website, "The return of Giles Wemmbley Hogg 2m's, 2g's. Traveller, backpacker, fearless investigator of cultural diversity, and upper middle-class student ponce from Budleigh Salterton."

I expect the show to be available via Radio 4's Listen Again service starting tomorrow. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - October 15th)

* Tim joins the panel of Beat the Kids in a show to recorded on November 5th so there should be some fireworks that night!!!

I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue meets Oprah : Radio 4's new comedy panel game, for anyone with experience of dealing with kids, or being a kid themselves. Chaired and administered by Graeme Garden, in the role of renowned parentologist, "Dr.G".

Four panellists play members of the same fictional family, with the kids pitted against the adults.

Featured panellists:

22nd Oct: Hugh Dennis, Marcus Brigstocke

29th Oct: Linda Smith, Kevin Eldon, Claire Skinner

5th November: Tim Brooke Taylor, Linda Smith, Emma Kennedy

19th November: Lucy Porter, Gina Yashere

26th November: Sandi Toksvig, Rebecca Front

3rd December: Barry Cryer, Fred MacAulay

Venue: Drill Hall, 16 Chenies Street, London WC1

Nearest tube: Goodge Street

Phone: 020 8576 1227 Fax: 020 8576 8802 Minicom: 020 8225 8090

Write to: BBC Audience Services

They need to know your name, address, daytime telephone number, how many tickets you require and the age range of those wishing to attend.

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l -October 21st)

* For those of you lucky enough to have BBC3 it's worth tuning in at one of these times to see the final episode of "Little Britain":

Wed 22 Oct at 22:40 on BBC Three

Thu 23 Oct at 01:10 on BBC Three

Sat 25 Oct at 22:40 on BBC Three

Besides being one of the best new sketch programmes I've seen for ages, there's a nice sketch in this episode with a brief but funny mention of Graeme Garden.

(Alison Bean - Goodies-l - October 22nd)

* The new BBC-2 sitcom Absolute Power began on 10th November. It stars Stephen Fry and John Bird as two successful PR men. The programme is written by Guy Andrews and Scott Cherry, with additional material by Graeme Garden.

* Thanks to Graeme Garden for providing most of the following information:

- A second series of 'Hamish and Dougal', (written by and starring Graeme plus his ISIHAC teammate Barry Cryer) is being recorded. The series will probably air sometime in February.

- Graeme will be making a return visit to the show 'Holby City' on Jan 20th.

- The radio show 'Beat the Kids' will be held in reserve by BBC Radio 4 but will definitely be broadcast sometime in 2004. The show is being recorded between October and December 2003; Tim will be appearing on the panel in one episode.

- Graeme's been brought in as script associate on 'Absolute Power', the new TV sitcom starring Stephen Fry and John Bird.

- 'Beat the Nation', the daytime quiz show hosted by Tim and Graeme, is currently scheduled to start airing on Jan 5th at 2:45pm on Channel 4. According to http://www2.carlton.com/corporate/production_services/carlton_studios/studio _summer_newsletter.pdf, there will be 120 episodes!

(by Lisa Manekofsky, with thanks to Graeme Garden)

* "Golf Clubs with Tim Brooke-Taylor" returns to UK channels Discovery Home and Leisure and Discovery Home & Leisure Plus 1 on Tuesday, 28th October. I'm guessing these are repeats, not new episodes, because the shows are airing in the very early morning (at 00:30 on DH&L and 1:30 on DH&L Plus 1).

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - October 21st)

* Tim got a mention on ABC's comedy show CNNNN. He was in their mock newsbar - "Tim Brooke-Taylor still unable to live down 'Goodies' character".

* Eric Idle is currently traveling across the U.S. performing in his "Greedy Bastard Tour" (advertised as a "stupid evening" of sketches and songs). I attended the show in Boston and was surprised when Eric performed some material from his time in Cambridge Footlights, since both pieces were familiar to me from their subsequent appearances in "Cambridge Circus" (a sketch entitled BBC B.C., about a biblical news report) and "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" (the song "There Was a Ship"). Later in the show Eric introduced the "Four Yorkshiremen" sketch by saying he was asked about it all the time by people who thought it was a Monty Python sketch; he explained the sketch actually came from a show called "At Last the 1948 Show" and had been written by John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Tim Brooke-Taylor, and Marty Feldman. In the acknowledgements section of the tour programme it says, in part, "Thanks to...John Cleese and Tim Brooke-Taylor for Four Yorkshiremen". (by Lisa Manekofsky)

I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE

(all contributions by Lisa Manekofsky, unless otherwise credited))

* A new series of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" begins on Monday, 17th November on BBC Radio 4. Each episode will air at 18:30 on Monday and then be repeated at noon the following Sunday. The shows also will be available on Radio 4's Listen Again service (www.bbc.co.uk/radio4 )

In addition to the six regular shows in the series there will be a Christmas special entitled "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Carol". Please note that this show will not air on a Monday, instead it will be broadcast on Christmas Day (Thursday, 25th Dec) at 12:04 p.m.

* On the 1st November edition of BBC Radio 4's "Archive Hour" they presented an episode entitled "Radio's Lost Property". This show reported that a copy of Willie Rushton's first appearance on "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" had recently been restored to the BBC Archive. I believe that show would be from 1975.

* On 20th October the BBC Audio Collection released "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Eight". The four shows in the set are compilations; much of the material came from the most recent series (from May & June 2003). The guest panelists in this set are Sandi Toksvig, Jeremy Hardy, Tony Hawks and Harry Hill.

* The first series of "Hamish and Dougal - You'll Have Had Your Tea" was released on CD and cassette on 20th October. It's interesting to see that "The Goodies" finally gets a mention in the accompanying booklet, as the "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" inserts (also from the BBC Radio Collection) say that Tim and Graeme previously worked together on "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again", and that Barry Cryer and Tim "appeared together on radio and television in Hello Cheeky", but not that Tim and Graeme worked together on tv. The Goodies mention, which appears in Graeme's bio, erroneously lists the show's start date as 1973 (instead of 1970) and claims that there were seven BBC series (there were eight). Otherwise it's a nice write-up, so we'll give them high marks for effort. Here is Graeme's full bio from the "Hamish and Dougal" booklet:

"Graeme Garden was educated at Cambridge University and qualified in medicine at King's College, London. He co-wrote and played in the long-running BBC Radio 4 series, 'I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again,' before devising the classic antidote to panel games, 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue.' In 1973 Graeme joined forces with Tim Brooke-Taylor and Bill Oddie in a new television project, the groundbreaking comedy 'The Goodies.' Together they recorded seven series. The Goodies also enjoyed a successful recording career, with 'The Funky Gibbon' reaching No. 4 in the UK charts. Graeme has since embraced the roles of novelist, playwright, West End actor, presenter and director. He continues to write for and perform on several BBC Radio 4 shows."

* There's a photo of the "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" team at the Spoken Word Awards dinner in September at http://www.bbcworldwide.com/spokenword/Awards.htm . Clue won two gold awards that evening, for Comedy/Humour and the Radio Times Readers' Choice award.

Regular listeners to the show might recognize the names, but not the faces, of pianist Colin Sell (seated two places to the right of Tim) and producer Jon Naismith (who is two seats to the left of Tim).

* Janet and Jon have been sending this out on the Clue mailing list:

This is to bring you advance knowledge of a special Christmas show, entitled I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Carol, which will be recorded on Thursday 18th December at the Logan Hall, University of London, 20 Bedford Way, London WC1H 0AL.

It is something of a change from the usual format, in that there will be no desks... Instead, the programme's regulars will be telling the story of miserable Ebenezer Scrumph and his put-upon assistant Crotchet, with appearances from the ghosts of Christmases Future, Present and Pissed. No prizes for guessing who plays what here.

They will be supported by a cast of regular guests of the programme, including Jeremy Hardy, Sandi Toksvig, Tony Hawks, Andy Hamilton and Linda Smith with Stephen Fry as the narrator. Tickets are £7.50 each, and will go on sale from 9a.m. tomorrow (Tuesday 4th November). They are being sold by a ticketing company called Warnes, and can be purchased over by phone with a credit card by calling 020 8545 2737 between 9a.m. - 5p.m. Monday to Friday. Please note that the sum debited will appear on your statement as Warnes Mail Marketing Ltd, and that they don't take American Express.

Alternatively you can apply for tickets by emailing LindaR@warnes.co.uk Reservations by e-mail should contain your name, your card details, your address, the quantity of tickets required and a telephone number in case of a problem with the card. If you prefer, you can send the first part of the credit card number in one e-mail, followed by the second part and expiry date in a second. N.B. When using a 'Switch' Card, you must quote the "Commencement Date, Expiry Date and Issue Number" if there is an issue number. There are a total of 880 tickets available and they are unallocated in the venue. I would advise booking early as this will be a very popular show. Tickets for the last recording in London (at Sadler's Wells) sold in a week. The programme will be broadcast on Radio 4 at 12.04 on Christmas Day.

That's about the size of it. We do hope you can make it and look forward to seeing you there. Jon Naismith & Janet Staplehurst

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - November 4th)

* In the 7 November 2003 edition of BBC7's Newsletter they announce a new series entitled "Radio Heads", which will begin the week after next. The show will feature former Heads of BBC radio's Light Entertainment department playing a selection of their favourite programmes from their time at the top as well as providing anecdotes. The first presenter is David Hatch, who was a cast member of "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" as well as the original producer of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue". Since both shows are played on BBC7 I imagine they might get a mention.

"Radio Heads" with David Hatch will air on BBC7 on 15th November from 8:00-11:00; it will be repeated later that same day from 21:00-00:00 (midnight). It will be available on the internet at www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7.

Here's a listing for the show: "Former Heads of Radio Light Entertainment choose six programmes that represent their time in the chair. David Hatch's choice includes Doctor in the House and Brothers in Law." (Goodies-l - November 7th)

4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

First screened: 1st November 1977

Tim is just about to take his own photo using an automatic portrait camera, but Bill opens the office door and startles him, which makes him 'flash' before he is ready. This produces a Young Einstein-like portrait which Tim hangs on the wall beside his ancient ancestor, the rather sissy St. Giles Brock Tyer. A portrait of Beau Brooke-Taylor is also notable for his huge chin which runs in the family (as Bill dryly remarks that noses run in his family!), but Tim comments that as his family became more upper class, his family trait has been bred out to the point that he is the perfect chinless wonder!

After Bill has discovered via Tim's family coat of arms that the Brooke-Taylors were in fact a bunch of sheep stealers, Graeme enters unrecognisably dressed in tartan gear and reveals that he has spent the past three weeks back in his homeland researching his family roots. The others had thought he'd been hogging the loo all that time and Tim desperately needs to go, but Graeme is compelled to tell him a "wee wee story" first!

'Hoots' tells of Graeme's ancestor Celtic Kilty, who was born in the tiny Scottish village of Dunghill (which is located near various appallingly punny places like Loch Jaw and Firsdgree Burn!) and his father Angus takes him to a high place and holds him up to show to the world (only to cop an eyeful from an incontinent young Celtic!). Thirteen summers pass, closely followed by 13 winters and the snow clears to reveal a young man who is soon master of the household when Angus grows old and bent (as he flounces away with a limp wrist!). Celtic Kilty is soon initiated by total immersion in porridge and he and the other young men of the village are taken far away into the hills by the elders for instruction, testing and to have terrible things done to their sporrans! Finally the lads engage in the traditional haggis hunt (which ends when Celtic Kilty knocks the haggis out of a tree with a well aimed rock) and there is great rejoicing upon their return, which culminates in the tackling of the out-of-tune piper and vicious destruction of his bagpipes!

Tim remarks that if the olden days were so marvellous, then why did Graeme's ancestors ever leave, but his frantic dash for the bog is blocked by Bill, who provides the answer to his query. Bill's own ancestors descended from Johnny Applefarm and his tale called 'Froots' tells of the 'Oo ar' tribe of fruitgrowers, where lads become men as soon as they can suck a piece of straw and do the funny voice! His ancestor (aptly named Kinda Kinky!) spends his time singing and dancing until the fateful day when the tourist traders arrive at his village and all of the fit young men are rounded up by the evil Tourmaster (who looks uncannily like Adolf Hitler). As the bus departs, the elderly villagers cry in despair (except for Kinda Kinky's parents who pop a champagne cork and drink a toast instead!)

The bus heads north to Dunghill and rounds up Celtic Kilty and his fellow Scotsmen before it snaffles Tim's ancestor County Cutie and his fellow sheep stealers on the way back to London. After all sorts of communication problems and being herded all over London by the cruel Tourmaster, the young men are delivered to their final terrible humiliating destination - the BBC Studios! They are all auctioned off as extras to a bunch of ugly, balding, cigar smoking tv producers (with one poor sucker being consoled by County Cutie after being assigned to the Max Bygraves Show!) until there are just the three Goodies left.

The frustrated Tourmaster tries to break them in by forcing them to join in various dance routines, but their determination to be so bad that nobody will take them forces him to assign them to the Black & White Minstrel Show as a last resort. Celtic Kilty and Kinda Kinky are disgusted at the degrading lack of respect and pride in having to wear white suits with black trim and black facial makeup with white eyes and mouth, but County Cutie enjoys it immensely (even during a 'How to rap minstrel' version of 'Land Ob Hope & Glory'!) until the blacking up of all the BBC tv programs for ratings purposes makes him one aggravated minstrel.

Celtic Kilty makes a Martin Luther King-style "I have a dream" speech and the minstrels in the background reveal their true facial colours, as the Goodies let their feet do their stuff and try to escape from the BBC studios and the clutches of the Tourmaster and his fellow guards. After he initially cowers in fright at the fierce guard dog (a small terrier), Celtic Kilty whacks it out the window with a golf stick-shaped bone (only to have to run like hell from the cranky dog soon afterwards) and after a brief worship of a mammy Angela Rippon's legs, the Goodies float their bow ties like butterflies to lure the Tourmaster out an upper window as he chases them with a net. Although he lands on top of them outside somehow, they flee back inside and despite County Cutie being floored for the count by a guard wielding a sign, Kinda Kinky manages to dispose of another guard using an exploding record from the sound department. The three minstrels are eventually chased into the film developing room and all fall into a tank of developing solution. The Goodies emerge in the reverse image of white makeup and black suits, while the black suited guard surfaces as a minstrel and is promptly ducked by the Goodies, as BBC producers watch on a monitor and declare "Right, give those boys a series!".

* Tim (about his ancestor St. Giles): "He came across with William The Conqueror"

Bill (looking at St. Giles' poofy portrait): "Yeah, he'd come across with anyone, wouldn't he?!"

* Bill (examining Tim's family crest): "And this isn't a fat stag rampant in a field of goolies! No way, that's a dead sheep, that is!"

* Tim (thinking that a tartan-clad Graeme is a foreign lady): "Wrong place dear. Wrongeee ... placeee ... understandeee!! Oh, these immigrants! Bill, remind me to write to the League Of Perfectly Sensible Self Employed Middle Class Nice People and have them all kicked out, will you?!"

* The Scottish elders: "What's worn under the kilt?"

Celtic Kilty & other Scottish lads: "Nothing. It's all in perfect working order!"

* The Goodies (as black & white minstrels singing Land Of Hope & Glory): "Land ob Hope and Glory, Maaaammy ob da free!"

* Tim's family coat of arms supposedly representing a field quartered, the family initials, the fat stag of Cheltenham and various other impressive things, only for Bill to turn the crest sideways to display a robber's mask, a dead sheep, prison stripes and a set of gallows, revealing that Tim's ancestors were actually sheep stealers!

* Graeme telling of the search for his heritage as Celtic Kilty in 'Hoots', featuring lots of appalling Scottish place name puns (like Loch Jaw, Ben Doon, Glen Campbell, Firsdgree Burn and Dunghill!), even worse people names (like his mother Flora MacKitchen!), the primitive village folk (with their tv's, table tennis sets, computers, etc), his total immersion in porridge (with the young maidens of the village having the pleasure of licking it off afterwards!) and the hilarious haggis hunt among many other highlights to the backing of a very jaunty highland tune.

* Tim as County Cutie trying to get the three groups on the tourist bus to communicate despite none of them understanding what each other is saying, eventually succeeding in getting them to repeat key sayings like "Oo ar!", "Hoots toots och aye" and "Jolllly gooood showwww!" before they all keep copying his high pitched attempts to shut them up, with each group then singing "We Shall Overcome" in a totally different pitch.

* The slaves being herded into the revolving restaurant for a meal only for the restaurant to spin around increasingly quicker, with diners tumbling around and food flying all over the place.

* The Goodies being auditioned for various tv dancing roles, but hilariously messing them up much to the displeasure of their furious Tourmaster. They cock up their lovable cockney routine with a staggering Tim throwing up in his hat, then tripping over Graeme, with their sailor routine to 'There Is Nothing Like A Dame' ending with them running away from the other very camp dancers and their country hoedown finishing with them upending the wagon and their dancing partners in the process.

* All tv programs featuring black and white minstrels in a bid to appeal to a wider audience, including the return of Cocojak, a very black Sooty and a new series of Michael Darkinson with his special guest - a white Muhammed Ali!

The epic final chase scene through the BBC studios with many exceptional visual effects, especially Graeme wielding a huge bone like a golf club to despatch a guard terrier out a window only for the infuriated mutt to come charging back after them shortly afterwards, the use of their bow ties as butterflies to lure the net-carrying guard to fall out the window trying to capture them, Bill's use of train, racing car and exploding bomb records to distract and then dispose of a pursuing guard and the final brilliant scene where the Goodies and a guard fall into the developing tank and emerge in reverse coloured make up and clothing.

Bryan Pringle, Charlie Stewart, Stuart Fell, Max Faulkner, The Fred Tomlinson Singers, John Melainey, Brian Rogers, Kenneth Warwick

An unusual episode containing many narrated visual sequences and a lengthy final chase scene rather than the normal dialogue, but a very enjoyable sendup of the popular 'Roots' mini-series screening at the time; especially with the help of many clever visual effects.

IIII Officially Amazing

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.

III - Goody goody yum yum.

II - Fair-y punkmother.

I - Tripe on t' pikelets.

December Episode Summary –

5. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #23

The basis of The Goodies of doing "Anything, Anytime, Anywhere" affords one the opportunity to put them into practically any situation, be it a completely original and off the wall plotline or a tried and true comic staple. This month's Cor!! comic which we'll be reviewing is definitely of the latter category as the Goodies try their hand at becoming rainmakers (a device which has been used in comedy since the silent movie era and probably before!).

Cover banner: "Goody-Goody! TV Stars "The Goodies" Appear Inside!"

Header: THE GOODIES' LUCK "DESERTS" THEM WHEN THEY TRY TO STOP A DROUGHT!

The Goodies are in their office when a country farmer enters, complete with droopy hat, pitchfork in hand and a stalk of wheat sticking out of his mouth (not to mention buck teeth!). He explains his problem to the trio as Tim attempts to get water out of a tap, only to end up with a glassful of dust.

FARMER: Goodies ... there be this drought on, and my crops need water! I want 'ee to make it rain!

GRAEME: H'mm ... I've "snow" idea "weather" we can do that!

The Goodies drive the farmer out to the country on their trandem. The farmer sits on Bill's shoulders at the back and points out the way with his pitchfork (a chicken dashes out of their way as they pass).

FARMER: My farm be right ahead!

TIM: Bags I have first go ... I know a native *rain dance*!

At the farm, Tim dons a wild looking witch doctor's outfit and dances around Bill, who has been tied to a tree (a la a sacrifice). Graeme watches on with a skeptical look.

GRAEME: Are you sure this 'mumbo-jumbo' will work, Tim?

TIM: Oom - bah - oo - la - la!

Instead of bringing up a mighty rain, Tim only succeeds in getting one tiny little cloud to pour down on his head. Bill laughs hysterically (so hard he shakes off the ropes binding him to the tree) as Graeme walks away confidently.

BILL: Ho, ho! Talk about an *isolated shower*!

TIM: Gloop ... splutter!

GRAEME: H'mm ... this calls for the scientific approach!

Graeme has built a strange flying device which consists of a small refrigerator with wings. He wheels it out on a wheelbarrow. Tim (still soaking wet) eyes the machine with surprise.

TIM: What have you got *there*?

GRAEME: My patent Mark I, *remote-controlled flying FRIDGE*!

Graeme reads from a huge book as Bill and Tim eye a small cloud overhead.

GRAEME: It says in my encyclopedia that you can make it rain by *seeding the clouds with dry ice*!

TIM: Dry up, then - here comes a cloud now!

Graeme mans the controls of his miniature cloud dusting plane and it takes off then zooms around erratically. Bill and Tim hit the ground to avoid being struck by the plane.

TIM: Duck, Bill, before it knocks us 'cold'!

GRAEME: Er ... I'll get the *hang* of it in a minute!

The flying fridge flies over the cloud and the door opens.

GRAEME: It's above the cloud now! *Fridge door open - ice cubes away*!

The Goodies are suddenly pummelled by a fair amount of falling foodstuffs, including eggs, bacon, fish and a roast chicken (marked Grade C).

TIM: Grough! You might have taken the grub out of the fridge first, Graeme!

BILL: It's raining *eggs and bacon* - but not a drop of water! You've *failed* miserably!

The makeshift plane crashes to the ground, making a big hole in the farmer's field. The farmer is hopping mad.

FARMER: Oi asked ee to *water* my field - not *dig it up*!

BILL: Hey, *that's* an idea - let's dig a *well* and get water that way!

Bill heads to a nearby shed as Tim and Graeme watch.

BILL: I'll see if I can find something to dig with in there!

Bill returns carrying a huge mechanical seed drill. Already Graeme and Tim are clinging to each other with fear and the farmer doesn't look to sure, either.