The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE

THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB

Issue No. 104 12th July 2004

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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'

Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA

THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G

- David Piper-Balston

COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER:

FAB FEATURE ARTICLE CONTRIBUTOR:

C&G CONTRIBUTORS: Adrian Hudson, Mark Longmuir

1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you

2. BOFFO IDEAS - News and club happenings.

3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.

4. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.

5. FEATURE ARTICLE - Bill Oddie - I'm Wild About My Life

6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - A Kick In The Arts

7. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #31

8. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS

(by "Magnus Magnesium")

QUOTE: "So tomorrow night when the owls do hoot and the moon is full we must journey to the abode of the living dead."

(a) Which Goodie says this quote?

(b) What was Bill's response to it?

QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "Cecily"

(d) What does Bill use as a mixer for the pie that he is trying to cook?

(e) Which "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" character does Tim's "female nanny" voice sound like?

(f) Which Goodies song is used as background music while they are doing the housekeeping chores?

(g) What happens to the rooster after it crows to signal morning?

(h) Which card game are the Goodies playing while all sorts of spooky things happen around them?

The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.

You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:

TODAY THE INTERNET, TOMORROW THE WORLD ...

(by Lisa Manekofsky)

Last month was a particularly active one at the club's website (http://www.goodiesruleok.com ). You might be interested to learn that the site had over 17,000 visitors from more than 70 countries in June 2004.

The countries from which we had the most visitors (starting with the highest number and counting down) were the United States, Australia, the United Kingdom, New Zealand, Canada, Japan, the Netherlands, France, Belgium, Germany, Poland, Brazil, Ireland, Italy, Singapore, Portugal, Austria, Norway, Denmark, Switzerland, Hungary, Czech Republic, Sri Lanka, and South Africa.

Our best birthday wishes go out to Bill Oddie, who turned 63 on July 7th, and Tim Brooke-Taylor who celebrates his 64th birthday on July 17th.

NEW BODS REQUIRED FOR C&G PATROL

Here at the C&G office, we're not exactly "knackered" like an ageing TBT in '2001 And A Bit' or even a little "old and raddled" like all three Goodies in 'Change Of Life' ... However if you regularly cast an eye at the list of the C&G lads and lasses each month, you'd be forgiven for exclaiming "Lads?! Job lot for the undertakers!" because every single month the same handful of familiar old names are up there with very little company.

Well although we're all happy to keep contributing as much as we can, we're going on a boffo recruitment drive during this bob-a-job campaign and actively seeking some new bods to join our Goodies-spotting patrol. You don't even have to wear a silly hat or shamelessly flaunt your knobbly knees in public ... "phew", I hear you say!

All that we require of our new bods is an occasional contribution of something related to The Goodies, or the individual projects of Bill, Tim and Graeme if you prefer. Excellent examples from this edition include Lisa's compilation of Goodies DVD information and Marilyn's contribution of an article about Bill's latest wildlife show (sadly not the kind of wild life that he was all excited about in the 'Gender Education' episode!), but there are lots of other things to set the C&G cold showers off like your thoughts on your favourite (or least favourite) Goodies episode, extracts from one of the Goodies books, funniest quotes from 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue', Goodies puzzles, fanfic or whatever.

We're even willing to bribe, er encourage, you to contribute by giving you the chance to earn our collection of scouting proficiency badges. There are more than a dozen in the set and they're jolly hard to win; in fact no-one in our C&G patrol has ever won one (soppy lot that we are!) However each contribution published in the C&G from next month onwards will win its sender a badge (well, a scanned copy that you can print out for yourself at least) so if that's not enough to get you sneaking out of the house in a mack with a garbage bag over your hat - or at least sneaking a contribution off to the C&G occasionally - then I'm off to join the Salvation Army and go after the Lone Scout (plus one!) all by myself. Come and join us, come and join us ...!

More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:

GOODIES DVD DISCOUNTED

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 15th June)

Amazon.co.uk is running a sale in which "The Goodies - At Last!" DVD is 60% off. The sale price is £9.97 (while the regular price is £24.99). Here's a link to the item:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00008MJ0W/ref=pd_ecc_rvi_2/202-0494310-2014229

(This price is still current as of July 8th - Ed.)

DVD GOODIES ... BOOM!

(by Lisa Manekofsky)

The club has a lot of new members, many of whom are asking about new Goodies DVDs. We thought it'd be helpful to summarize the information we know at this point.

* UK/Australian DVDs:

Last year a British company called Network video released an 8-episode DVD entitled "The Goodies - At Last!" (which is PAL, Region 0). Network did a wonderful job of restoring the episodes and including bonus features; they were rewarded with excellent sales. This lead to Network announcing that they planned to release two more sets of 8 episodes each.

The last we heard, Network tentatively planned to release Volume 2 in September/October 2004. They submitted a list of episodes to the BBC and were waiting to hear about clearances (sometimes it is too difficult or expensive to clear an episode for release because of music or footage contained in that episode). Network is reluctant to announce episode titles until they've been cleared for release (to avoid disappointing fans); at present, "Radio Goodies" is the only confirmed episode. There will be bonus material on this set (as there was on "At Last!") but we don't have any specifics at this time.

We hope to have more details about Volume 2 in the near future. We'll pass them along as soon as they become available.

The contents of the Network DVD were licensed for release in Australia under the title "8 Delicious Episodes" (which is PAL, Region 4). We believe that future Network releases will also be licensed for Australian release.

As mentioned in C&G #103, a company called Jef Films is scheduled to release a Goodies DVD in the US on 31 July. The DVD may simply be called "The Goodies". It should contain the three episodes from the BBC "Kitten Kong" video ("Kitten Kong", "Scatty Safari", and "Scoutrageous").

Jef Films had previous released this material on VHS under the title "The Goodies: Three Classic Episodes". I had a chance to review that tape and can confirm that it contains the same edits in "Scatty Safari" as the BBC video (these are detailed in Matthew K. Sharp's "The Goodies - CENSORED!" guide at http://home.mira.net/~kirseval/cut-s5.htm#ep5-6 ) I'm guessing that the DVD will have the same version of that episode.

Many vendors are listing the DVD, including Amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00028G6US/qid=1089402053/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/104-9590430-3383146?v=glance&s=dvd_ and Brits

http://www.britsusa.com

We mentioned last month that Movies Unlimited listed a 27 June release for this DVD - every other vendor had the 31 July release date. Movies Unlimited no longer shows "The Goodies" as a pre-order item but they do not have the DVD in stock. As of 9 July their customer service department was still saying that the title was "backordered" and they didn't expect to receive it for 2-4 weeks. The Jef Films DVD will be in NTSC format. At this point we don't know if it'll be Region 1 or Region 0. We hope to review the DVD in next month's issue; any news we have before then will be posted to the club website and the goodies-l mailing list.

* BBC America mystery:

While hunting for information about the US DVD I came across an odd listing in the BBC America Shop (http://www.bbcamericashop.com/default.asp?cpa=product&rpa=2&id=1984&mdm=DVD ). It's for a DVD entitled "The Goodies" but the page has no other information except for saying "This title is not available in the U.S. or Canada. If you would like to place a request for this title, or be contacted via email if it does become available, please click here."

I wondered why a title not available in the US was being listed by the BBC America Shop. In the hopes that this might be a placeholder for a forthcoming title (perhaps the Network DVD or the Jef Films one) I sent an email asking for information. The reply I received said: "Thank you for your interest in BBC America Shop. Unfortunately 'The Goodies' DVD starring Tim Brooke (sic) and Graeme Garden is not currently available or planned for release in the U.S. and Canada. However, we use requests like yours to help us plan future releases. We appreciate your taking the time to contact us at www.BBCAmericaShop.com. Thanks and have a great day."

I'd urge other US fans to write to BBC America to let them know of the demand for this title. You can use the feedback page at (http://feedback.m23.com/bbcamericashop/ )

and speaking of BBC America...

BBC America Program Request Page

BBC America has a page for requesting programs be added to their schedule: http://www.bbcamerica.com/about/contactus_suggestion.jsp

"The Goodies" isn't one of the selections but you can choose "other" (at the end of the list) and type in that title.

COMEDY CONNECTIONS CAPERS

(from information provided by David Piper-Balston and Alison Bean to Goodies-l)

The Radio Times had the "Comedy Connections:The Goodies" special listed to be shown on the BBC on Tuesday 23rd June, but scheduling changes led to it being screened on Monday 22nd June at 10.35pm instead, meaning that many fans missed out on seeing it.

Here's some excellent advice for all those who missed it:

Comedy Connections from the BBC Comedy Newsletter

A lot of people seriously annoyed about missing Comedy Connections: The Goodies last Monday (due to schedule changes). We did warn newsletter subscribers last week, but sadly, the message didn't spread quickly enough.

We've put a list on the blog of when the other seven docs are on. We encourage Goodies fans to email 'pov@bbc.co.uk' and tell the BBC you want a repeat. http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/blog/

Also a recent message on this Yahoo group tells you how you can access Comedy Connections online. http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/TheGoodiesForever/

GOODIES DESKTOP THEME

(Adrian Hudson - Goodies-l - 2nd July)

A Goodies desktop theme is available at http://www.beebfun.com/goodies.htm#theme

SUPERCHALKS THREE

(Mark Longmuir - Goodies-l - 5th July)

Just wondering if anyone else has seen the Goodies pavement art along Southbank in Melbourne? It's just down from the footbridge towards Crown and features the three of them on the trandem, along with a picture of Osama bin Laden for some reason...

There's also a great Dr Who one nearby featuring the 4th Doctor and Sarah stepping out of the TARDIS, with portraits of all the Doctors (including Cushing!).

The pictures list www.chalkcircle.com.au , which has a (currently broken) link apparently to some Southbank pictures. Should try and get some pictures of them myself...

BLUE GOODIES TRANDEM

(by Lisa Manekofsky)

In C&G #102 we reported that the blue trandem used in the Goodies LWT series was being sold on eBay. The seller kindly passed my address on to the new owners, a three man comedy group called "The Trap". I received a nice note from Jeremy, one of the members of The Trap, who tells me they are big fans of The Goodies. The Trap have only just taken delivery of the trandem but they hope to take publicity photos of themselves on it soon. In addition, they're going to the Edinburgh Fringe comedy festival (http://www.edfringe.com/ ) in August and they'll be bringing the trandem with them.

Jeremy added "we're indebted to the Goodies, our humour is also quite visual and silly in the best sense of the word! So we're very excited about our new purchase. Now we just need to practise riding it..."

More details about our The Trap's shows can be found at www.itsalrightforsome.com

GOODIES GET A MENTION

In the second episode of The Keith Barret Show (BBC-2,12th July), Keith interviewed Brian and Kerry McFadden (from the bands Westlife and Atomic Kitten, respectively). After exhausting the contents of his cue cards, Keith asked the audience for their questions to the couple. One asked "What was it like being in Hell's Kitchen*?" to which Keith replied "They weren't in Hell's Kitchen. You might as well have said 'What was it like being in The Goodies?'"

* Hell's Kitchen being a reality show in which celebrities had to be the staff of three-Michelin-starred chef Gordon Ramsay's new restaurant.

4. 2001 AND A BIT

If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.

* Well it's official, Bill is the new Delia, except where as Bill encourages the nation to buy bird boxes to home the birds, Delia inspires people to buy pans to cook the birds. :-)

http://media.guardian.co.uk/broadcast/story/0,7493,1242367,00.html

'Oddie power' sends Britain wild

Monday June 21, 2004

Oddie: rivalling Delia Smith in his consumer influence

Delia Smith did it for omelette pans and now Bill Oddie - presenter of BBC2's surprise hit Britain Goes Wild - has done it for bird boxes. In a natural history equivalent of the phenomenon dubbed "the Delia effect", the BBC's eccentric wildlife presenter has caused a nationwide stampede to garden centres, as viewers, prompted into action by his latest show, have been stripping the shelves of supplies of bird boxes and bird feeders.

In all just under 84,000 people joined the hit show's "Make Space for Nature" campaign, pledging to make their gardens more nature-friendly by erecting bird boxes, bee boxes and bird baths in their gardens. Nearly 21,000 promised to put up bird feeders, 19,700 to install bird boxes, 16,500 punters opted for a bird bath and 11,000 went for the bumble bee box - setting cash registers in garden centres ringing across the country.

The BBC was deluged with calls and emails inquiring where they could buy the items featured during the show's three-week run and referred punters to the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) - which has shops located at all of its 20 flagship reserves - or their local garden centre.

"Our retail outlets have been exceptionally busy. People have come in for everything that's been mentioned on the show - sales of bird boxes, bird feeders and bird baths have all shot up and we have sold out of bee boxes," said an RSPB spokeswoman, Caroline Osbourne.

The RSPB is now telling the public how to build their own bird boxes and is ordering emergency supplies.

The run on wildlife-enhancing kit echoes the frenzied buying of cooking ingredients and utensils recommended by the BBC TV cook, Delia Smith.

When Smith called the Lune omelette pan a "little gem", sales at the small Lancashire firm that manufactured the item leapt from 200 a year to 90,000 in just four months.

Essex-based firm Maldon Crystal Salt Flakes was also thrown into disarray when Delia included its seasoning in her list of "must haves" in the kitchen.

The company had a workforce of just 10 people, manufacturing 400 tons of the hand-panned salt every year at the time and was swamped by increased demand.

The BBC resorted to sending lists to the food industry, warning which products would appear in Smith's shows. The Collins English Dictionary even referred to the phenomenon as "Delia power". Now it may have to add the term "Oddie power" to its list.

Halting the decline of the UK's native house sparrow population was one of Britain Goes Wild's regular talking points and viewers responded by buying wooden house sparrow terraces in their hundreds, which the RSPB sells for £21.99.

"We have now sold out of house sparrow terraces and our online requests have rocketed 500%," said Ms Osbourne. Sales of birdfeed at a specialist supplier, CJ Wildbird Foods, have also shot up.

The series, which was broadcast live from an organic farm at Devon's Fishleigh Estate and included live outside broadcasts from a gannet breeding colony on Bass Rock in Scotland and the London Wetland Centre in Barnes, was an unexpected hit for the corporation, despite strong competition in its last week from Euro 2004 football.

Presented by Oddie, Kate Humble and naturalist Simon King, the programme has a following of more than 3 million, making it the most popular show in the 8pm Thursday night slot so far this year, beating last month's Chelsea Flower Show coverage.

Live wildlife broadcasts have done well for the BBC recently. In January Big Cat Week on BBC1 averaged 7 million, while last year's Bill Oddie show Wild in your Garden secured a healthy 2.9 million.

(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - 23rd June)

* On page 8 of the current issue of the satirical magazine Private Eye (25th June), you will find a Ken Pyne cartoon strip about Britain Goes Wild with Bill Oddie. I've done a scan of this, which you can view at: http://www.goodiesruleok.com/images/Private_Eye_Oddie.jpg with many thanks to Tim Aslat. Otherwise, here's a description...

Caption: Britain Goes Wild

Picture: Bill Oddie hiding in some undergrowth clutching binoculars and observing some cute rabbits.

Text: If you're desperate for ratings...you find some strange, furry little creature...

Picture: Bill in the undergrowth observing a badger, an owl, some birds and a snail.

Text: ...that makes a funny noise...and creeps about in the undergrowth...

Picture: Bill in the undergrowth observing two badgers, a mouse, a hedgehog and some birds.

Text: ...then put him in something with animals...

Badger (speech bubble): Oh look...it's a tit.

(Alison Bean - Goodies-l - 25th June)

GRAEME & TIM SPOTTINGS

* BBC7 is airing the episode of "In Conversation With" featuring Tim and Graeme again this coming Sunday, 11th July at 11:00-11:30. It will be repeated on Monday, 12th July from 1:00-1:30.

(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 9th July)

5. FEATURE ARTICLE

(contributed by Marilyn Burge)

(from English Woman's Weekly - 1st June 2004)

"I'M WILD ABOUT MY LIFE"

Bill Oddie is about to host the BBC's biggest-ever wildlife extravaganza. In this exclusive interview, he tells Eileen Condon why, after a series of devastating setbacks, his own life couldn't be better and offers his own expert advice on how Woman's Weekly readers can really appreciate - and help save - the natural world.

Watching swallows swoop and soar above my head, while a family of robins burrow in a nearby nest and squirrels dart cheekily in and out of the thick foliage, I feel as if I'm in some sort of rural paradise. But far from it. I'm in the middle of Hampstead, just yards from the busy high street and only a few miles from the heart of London.

No prizes, then, for guessing that such an oasis of natural calm and beauty belongs to one of Britain's favourite wildlife experts, Bill Oddie. But, what's surprising is that Bill's back garden isn't the vast open space you might expect from someone so devoted to wildlife. Instead this small urban plot, crammed full of towering trees, sprawling wildflowers, ponds, bird-boxes and feeders of every shape and variety, serves a perfect purpose.

"It's small, self-contained and everything is set up here to attract wildlife," he explains as he bounds in and out of his shed collecting handfuls of meal worms for the birds. "I can't be doing with those manicured, clinically neat gardens. Nothing is going to thrive on concrete or decking. If you want to let nature thrive, then you've got to let the garden thrive. Keep it messy. Gardeners would probably wince at some of the things that I like - bees, wasps, grey squirrels - I don't mind, they're all part of it."

Right on cue, a tiny squirrel scampers down the side of a tree to pinch a handful of bird seed Bill has just put down. He merely laughs. "You just have to accept they're here to stay," he says. "They're little survivors. I quite admire their cheek."

Bill's infectious enthusiasm and cheery demeanour are a far cry from our last meeting three years ago. Then, the 63-year-old presenter was just emerging from one of the most difficult periods of his life. He'd suffered a devastating breakdown and had been hospitalised for severe depression, which is more than understandable when you consider his harrowing childhood. As an only child, he was brought up by his father and grandmother. The only times he met his schizophrenic mother were during hospital visits or on the occasions she'd return to the family home and try to attack Bill's father.

"I've been on a bit of a difficult journey," Bill now says, with a resigned shrug. "But I've learned so much about myself and about depression and I feel a lot more in control."

It's not just his therapeutic journey which has helped to restore the famous Oddie chuckle - the one that helped turn him into a household name in the hit Seventies show, The Goodies - it's also the fact that in the past couple of years he's back at the top, but this time as a wildlife expert. His TV show, Bill Oddie Goes Wild, has been a huge success and exposed his impressive environmental knowledge to a new generation of TV viewers.

"I'm a bit gobsmacked by what's happened," he says of his career renaissance. "I couldn't have planned this myself, even though wildlife has always been something I absolutely love."

That's something of an understatement, because it's fair to say that Bill isn't just a lover of wildlife: it's his passion. For him, it's not some fair-weather subject, it has dominated his life. You only have to look at the bird-watching logbooks he's kept since a small boy to see how committed he is to the subject.

Often rising at the crack of dawn, Bill would cycle for miles to nature spots and spend the whole day studying wildlife. "I was completely absorbed in the process," he recalls. "I had total focus and, looking back, it might have been to block out what was going on at home because I didn't think about anything else when I was at these places."

His recall of these boyhood expeditions is also remarkably vivid. "I don't even have to close my eyes. I can remember the first time I saw a chaffinch nest when I was 13. It had been raining and I was walking through great big hawthorn bushes then climbing a tree to get a closer look. My patience was legendary. I remember trying to find a willow warbler's nest, which took some doing because I spent hours and hours sitting in long grass on the edge of a golf course. I got to know all the bird songs and the calls just from listening and taking it all in. If necessary, I would be there for most of the day just following the bird down and working out where the nests were from that."

But although his passion for wildlife never waned, it did go on the backburner during his high-profile TV years. "I was incredibly busy and loved being in The Goodies, so there wasn't the time or opportunity to be as dedicated as I had been," he explains. "But it was still a life-saving hobby. When we were shooting The Goodies I always pushed them towards filming in bird-spotting locations so that I could kill two birds with one stone!"

Bill also has fond memories of family vacations spent in rural locations and says his three children (Bill has two daughters from his first marriage, Kate and Bonnie, and a third, Rosie, by his current wife, Laura) have all grown up with a passion for the Isles of Scilly.

"I never pushed them to appreciate wildlife but the Isles of Scilly has always been one of my favourite places and I just knew they'd like it because it's fantastic for kids," he says. "So, without preaching at them, I steered them towards those holidays and they used to have a whale of a time. Even now, they always ask if we can go back."

The success of his TV programs means that Bill has the opportunity to travel the world and witness for himself some of the planet's rarest and most stunning species. But, ask him to name his favourite creature, and he doesn't hesitate.

"The swallow," he says. "It's got so much going for it. One of the great mysteries of the natural world is still migration. How can these birds travel all over the world without a map or a compass? One of the greatest migrants of all is the swallow. I've been in South Africa and seen them skimming high above giraffes and elephants and they could very easily be the same swallows I've seen skimming around cows and sheep in Scotland. I was once on a remote island off Iceland and I saw one single swallow; they don't even breed on the mainland and yet there they are. By God, those birds don't half like exploring!"

Bill amits that the TV show is his dream job, not least because of the breathtaking wildlife he has encountered. "I was in Cape Town filming last year and, within a couple of hours, everything appeared, one after the other - penguins, whales, you name it. We didn't even have to get in a boat - they were there, right outside the hotel. Then there was the time when we were in a castle in Scotland and there were barn owls breeding in the turrets, just like something out of a Harry Potter novel. We had the cameras trained on them and, bang on cue, just as the sun was going down this lovely ghost of a bird came whooshing out, absolutely silent. It's in shot for only five or ten seconds, but it's absolutely stunning. Moments like that are priceless."

It's not all been plain sailing, though. There are a few downsides to the job, as Bill recalls. "There's one shot of me floundering around in water off the coast of Devon, which they keep showing over and over again," he grimaces. "I'm in a wetsuit which has inflated and I look like the Michelin man. I was floating around and couldn't control myself at all. The cameraman was laughing so much he could hardly film. Seriously humiliating stuff."

Humiliating or not, it's clear Bill is at last having the time of his life. He can't wait to get started on his latest show, a wildlife extravaganza called Britain Goes Wild With Bill Oddie. It'll be the biggest live event of its kind ever undertaken by the BBC and promises to show a variety of wildlife, including barn owls, foxes, badgers and rabbits in their natural habitats.

"There's so much I'm hoping to see," says Bill, who'll be broadcasting the show from a working farm in Devon. "In particular, I'm hoping to see the camera in an active owl's nest. Preferably a barn owl - I'm a huge fan."

No wonder he can't stop grinning. The young boy who rose at the crack of dawn to pursue his passion is now getting paid for it and he's not about to take any of that for granted.

"I'm a lucky man," he says. "I do feel as if I've found my niche. It's great to be doing something I love and helping to inform the public as well. On a local level, it's very heartening that so many people are taking an interest in wildlife and enjoying it, which is what my contribution is all about; because if you can make someone enjoy something they might want to conserve it."

And with that simple but very valid point I leave Bill to make the second of his twice-daily bird feeds, much inspired by his dedication to wildlife and much cheered by the fact that I've now got the perfect excuse not to sort out my messy garden.

* 'Britain Goes Wild With Bill Oddie starts on 31st May on BBC2 at 8pm.

Bill Oddie's Wildlife tips

(notes on the following subjects)

How to spot wildlife in urban areas.

How to attract more wildlife to your garden.

How to spot wildlife in freshwater areas.

How to spot wildlife in coastal areas.

How to spot wildlife in woodland areas.

(Main): Bill with an owl (and a wise owl-like expression on his face)

(Smaller): European red fox, Common seal, Red squirrel, Fallow deer, Water vole, Otter, Young song thrush

6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY

A KICK IN THE ARTS

First screened: 28th January 1980

Tim Brooke-Taylor proudly presents 'Pro Celebrity Sports Night' in a patriotic attempt to raise some much needed money for the British Olympic Fund (which features the likes of hang-gliding with Cyril Smith and fox hunting with Basil Brush - and puppeteer - who flees rapidly from the hounds and hunters), but after he has deducted various expenses (like 500 pounds for Nicholas Parsons not to turn up!) while being towed around for a leisurely game of golf by Graeme, he is left with a grand total of 3 pence for his donation.

Tim ventures to the cobweb-ridden British Olympic Committee office in which a number of old men (who all wear Olympic blazers dating back to the 1896 Athens games, plus a skeleton in a blazer from the games at Sparta in 341 BC!) are asleep at the meeting table. He wants to come in, but the former Olympians need to have a vote on it, which is tied at 3 for and 3 against until one objector promptly croaks it ("that's better, two against!"). Tim's offer of a whole 3p for training facilities is sufficient to get the ancient athletes to fire up with a patriotic speech about losing for their Queen and country, but his disgusted retort of "Oh, bloody hell!" causes the remaining old geezers to snuff it in shock at such language!

Meanwhile the British Olympic team are forced to rummage through bins on the street for survival, although Tim is determined to help them and after he is expertly hustled (at games like scrabble and table tennis) by Graeme and Bill at their new casino and forced to strip to his smalls to repay his debts, he is left with little choice but to become an athlete too. The impoverished athletes soon resort to crime, especially Tim as the notorious Masked Shotputter (who even robs the Queen of her tiara in a brazen raid on her limo), but he soon comes to grief when he tries to rob Graybungles Casino, as Bill blocks his bid to polevault to freedom with some rapid bricklaying work and then carts him to prison in a barrow of wet concrete, with the remainder of the team eventually being locked up as well.

Graeme transforms into Kerry Thwacker, the Australian sporting entrepreneur and assembles his own Olympic team of imported athletes from various countries, but has to continually deal with phone calls from "Mr Brooke Pommy Taylor" in the prison who is annoyed because Graeme doesn't seem to be supporting the British Olympic cause (especially when Kerry Thwacker successfully bids to host the Olympics once a Russian official has shot himself after calculating the enormous cost of hosting them). In desperation, Tim heaves himself over the prison wall (as he uses his ball and chain like a hammer throw), then quietly breaks into Graeme's office and makes sweeping changes to the official programme of events.

Just prior to the opening ceremony of the Olympics, Bill and Graeme discover Tim trying to hide in the stables, but instead of getting the police, they want to give him a day to remember, as it's Tim's birthday (then they'll get the police!). As a special present for him, they reveal that all of their gambling and accumulation of imported athletes has been so that he would have a world-beating, top ranking British Olympic team, but they are horrified when they read Tim's adjusted programme of events and their athletes go berserk and have to be sedated with a tranquillizer gun.

However Tim has already assembled a British team, which consists of a number of ancient writers, composers and performers. The Queen declares the Olympic Games open, but the other countries protest vehemently at the changed programme and walk out (with the torchbearer using the torch to light his cigarette as the doves fly back into their capsule again), much to Graeme's horror as he has just staked his life savings on the supposed certainty of a win by countries other than Britain. In desperation, he and Bill therefore form a 'Rest Of The World' team to compete against Britain in the revised events such as the 15 metre high dive while reciting Hamlet, the snatch press and limerick and the lady novelist's mud wrestle.

After two weeks of competition, the gold medal tally is locked at 52-all with the final event to decide the winner of the Olympics. The Dead Sea Scrolls Relay requires Graeme and Bill to race around the track with the scrolls as a baton, but they are no match for a line-up of 315 creative geniuses who hand the scroll on to each other and ensure a glorious Olympic victory for Britain. However Tim is unable to bask in his success for very long on the victory dais, as when the Queen steps forth, she remarks "He's the one, officer. The Masked Shotputter!". Tim's trousers drop to his ankles, which reveals his prison uniform and he scoots off along the track, with Bill, Graeme and the Royal party jamming away on the brass in a final serenade!

* Ancient British Olympian: "British athletes do not need to train! All they need is to feel the British blood coursing through their veins. And they have the knowledge that they're running for their Queen and their country. And that the whole British nation is waiting for them to gird up their loins, ... hitch up their hamstrings, ... and get out there on that track and ... LOSE!"

British Olympians (chorus): "LOSE!!"

Tim: "Oh, bloody hell!"

* Tim: "You've been gambling!"

Tim: "Bet you have."

Graeme: "How much you bet ... ooh what a giveaway!"

* Graeme (to Tim on phone): "G'day sport, what can I do ya for?! ... This is not a funny voice, I'm talkin' Australian. That's right, you are speaking to Kerry Thwacker. ... Yes, Kerry Thwacker, sports-mad international. No, no, Mr Garden would do a much sillier voice than this!" (demonstrates) "Whack the diddle-o blue! Pull up a jumbuck and take the weight off ya billabongs!"

* Graeme (checking out his sports stars locked in crates): "That's Nastase in there. (crate rattles violently) Save it Nasty, save it! And John Lloyd in here ... and Chrissy?! Stop that, you'll ruin your service!"

* Bill (about the imported athletes): "Shouldn't they all be British?"

Graeme: "Ah, they soon will be. Get all the men married off to Virginia Wade ... and the women ..."

Bill: "The women ... me, me!!"

Graeme: "Why not, they're not fussy!"

* Bill (to a very tense and bossy Graeme): "Calm down, go and do something relaxing ... like invade Poland!"

* Tim's philanthropic efforts to raise money for the British Olympic fund, with the Pro Celebrity Sports Night (including Magnus Pyke knocking out four other boxers with his exaggerated hand gestures and clay target shooting using a puppet emu) raising a whole three pence once all of the various expenses (like twelve bottles of scent for Henry Cooper and two tons of hay for Princess Anne!) have been deducted. Also his round of golf, with Bill and Graeme towing him around the course in a special buggy, kicking his ball off the tee when he misses it, headbutting the ball from the rough onto the green and then helping Tim to sink a long putt which curls around all over the green before dropping into the hole.

* Tim falling victim to the ace hustler Hurricane Oddie in Graybungles Casino, firstly being fooled by all three cups having a ball under them, getting pressured into a losing hand at scrabble ( a meagre offering of 'sat' with Bill then firing out 'squeezed' on a triple word score) and being cleaned up 5-0 at table tennis thanks to five dirty tricks by Bill (and not helped by some ill-timed odds quoting from Graeme), before being swindled at I-spy, then forced to strip to his undies and become an athlete.

* Tim turning to crime as the notorious Masked Shotputter, breaking a butchers shop window to steal sausages, clobbering a Beefeater at the Tower then nicking the Crown Jewels and launching a daring raid on the Queen's limousine as it cruises along on a street parade, swiping her tiara to the exclaimation of "Who was that masked athlete?!". Also his attempted robbery of Graybungles Casino with Bill as security guard pursuing him over construction barrier hurdles and breasting the safety tape as the winner before remembering what he is supposed to be doing and eventually trapping a polevaulting Tim by building a wall higher with some incredibly swift bricklaying work!

* Graeme's posing as Kerry Thwacker, sports-mad international, complete with boxing kangaroo tie and suitably over-the-top Aussie accent, with him madly cobbling together an athletics team of foreign sports stars while not giving a toss about their welfare (with Bill reporting that the six Kenyan long distance runners are a bit squashed and that some of the Russian child gymnasts are dead on arrival!), asking Joan Collins to return the Arsenal soccer team to him ("what's left of them!") so that she can have Sheffield Wednesday ("... and Everton Thursday!") and telling "Mr Brooke Pommy Taylor" that "we do not deal with common criminals!"

* Many of the scenes from the Olympic Games including Sir John Benjamin competing in the 200kg lift and sonnet (only to fall through the floor after Bill has unsportingly tickled him with a feather duster), J.B. Priestly successfully long jumping over his entire life's works (with a self-satisfied celebratory puff on his pipe when sitting on his backside in the pit afterwards), Barbara Cartland and Dame Wilhemina Oddietta grappling in a muddy wrestling ring, Graeme and Bill bellowing away in the lead of the 100 metre freestyle opera swim only for a British opera dame to burst shrieking out of the water in front of them (shattering all of the windows and showering chunks of glass into the pool) and Graeme's matador-like appendisectomy performed in a bullfighting ring to a cheering Latin crowd.

Ballard Berkeley, Roland MacLeod, Norman Mitchell, Barry Cryer, Guy Deghy, Cud Child, Tony Gubba, Marie Sutherland

After somewhat disappointing earlier episodes about the Commonwealth Games and Winter Olympics, the Goodies saved their sporting best for a very well pieced-together and quite amusing treatment of the Summer Olympic Games, with other issues like fundraising, casino gambling, the British sporting losers mentality, street crime and Graeme's brilliantly appalling Kerry Thwacker impersonation all adding up to a very enjoyable episode.

IIII Officially Amazing

BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:

IIII - Officially amazing.