CLUB WEBSITE
http://www.goodiesruleok.com
E-MAIL ADDRESSES
Newsletter enquiries: clarion@goodiesruleok.com
General enquiries: enquiries@goodiesruleok.com
POSTAL ADDRESS
'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 413
Croydon VIC 3136, AUSTRALIA
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
EDITOR
- Brett Allender <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>
ACE REPORTER:
- Lisa Manekofsky
GOODIES MUSIC REVIEWER:
- Linda Kay
FEATURE ARTICLE CONTRIBUTOR:
- Wackywales
CONTENTS
1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you
2. BOFFO IDEAS – The latest club news and happenings
3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
4. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
5. FEATURE ARTICLE – Goodies interview from 1994
6. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #26 – Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me
7. GOODIES WORD FINDER
8. GOODIESRULEOK? SEARCH ME!
– more strange search strings
9. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
QUOTE: "Let's see. Virgo. Work prospects. You will meet a small fat man with a beard who will be no help at all!"
(a) Which Goodie says this quote?
(b) How long have the Goodies been out of work for at this stage?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "Earthanasia"
(d) Why have the world leaders decided to blow the world up?
(e) What does Tim request from Santa for Christmas? (name one of the 2 items)
(f) What time has Graeme brought Christmas forward to?
(g) What does Graeme use as props for his Miss Piggy impression?
(h) What does Tim's t-shirt at the end of the episode notably highlight?
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
2. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
WEBSITE POLLS
The November website poll provoked an interesting response which should have TV programming executives (and Rolf Harris voters) glancing nervously over their shoulders in fear of being bopped with a black pudding by disgruntled Goodies fans. The final tallies were as follows:
Who would you most like to challenge to a bout of Ecky Thump?
* the BBC (for not repeating The Goodies)
131 votes 38.1%
* the ABC (for not repeating The Goodies)
68 votes 19.8%
* the people who vote for Rolf Harris
64 votes 18.6%
* Rolf Harris 36 votes 10.5%
* Tony Blackburn 14 votes 4.1%
* David Frost 11 votes 3.2%
* Max Bygraves 9 votes 2.6%
* Nicholas Parsons 8 votes 2.3%
* other 3 votes 0.9%
* Total 344 votes
The December poll is much more in tune with the festive season, so head along to the homepage and cast your vote for the following question:
What Goodies-inspired gift would you like for Christmas?
* more Goodies live appearances
* Goodies repeats on the BBC and/or the ABC
* new Goodies DVDs
* CDs of the Goodies albums
* CDs of music from the Goodies episodes
* a club t-shirt
* all of the above
* other
* people to stop voting for Rolf Harris
HAPPY EARTHANASIA
The C&G Team would like to take this opportunity to thank all Goodies Rule OK fan club members for your support during the year and to wish you and your families a very Merry Christmas, an enjoyable holiday break and a Happy New Year in 2007.
3. SPOTTED!!!
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! the Goodies this month:
THE GOODIES ARE COMING FOR YOU AND YOU AND YOU ... IN BRITAIN!
(by Lisa Manekofsky)
Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden brought their highly successful Goodies Live show to the 2006 Edinburgh Fringe festival and Paramount Brighton Comedy Festival. Fans throughout the UK will finally have a chance to see the show this coming March & April when "The Goodies Still Rule OK!" visits an additional 20 cities.
Tim & Graeme will appear live; Bill will participate via the wonders of video (due to filming commitments for his various nature shows).
The producers have kindly supplied the following list of tour dates. On sale dates, show times, and booking information will be provided as soon as possible (keep an eye on the club FAQ, http://www.goodiesruleok.com/faq.php?topic=10 , or subscribe to goodies-l for the latest news). I have indicated the venues which are already listing the show (look for the Show Listings below).
SHOW DATES & CITIES
Torquay:
* Thurs, 15 March 2007 - Princess Theatre
Venue website:
Canterbury:
* Fri, 16 March 2007 - Marlowe Theatre
Colchester:
* Sat, 17 March 2007 - Mercury Theatre
Windsor:
* Sun, 18 March 2007 - Theatre Royal
Show listing:
Lincoln:
* Thu, 22 March 2007 - Theatre Royal
* Fri, 23 March 2007 - Theatre Royal
High Wycombe:
* Sat, 24 March 2007 - Swan Theatre
Show listing:
Nottingham:
* Sun, 25 March 2007 - Concert Hall
Buxton:
* Mon, 26 March 2007 - Opera House
Show Listing:
Tunbridge Wells:
* Fri, 30 March 2007 - Assembly Hall Theatre
Southend:
* Sun, 1 April 2007 - Palace Theatre
Hull:
* Weds, 4 April 2007 - New Theatre
Venue website:
Bradford:
* Thurs, 5 April 2007 - St George's Hall
Show listing:
Birmingham:
* Fri, 6 April 2007 - Alexandra Theatre
Darlington:
* Sat, 7 April 2007 - Civic Theatre
Show Listing:
Cambridge:
* Weds, 11 April 2007 - Corn Exchange
Croydon:
* Thurs, 12 April 2007 - Ashcroft
Derby:
* Fri, 13 April 2007 - Assembly Rooms
Show listing:
Dartford:
* Sat, 14 April 2007 - Orchard Theatre
Venue
Oxford:
* Mon, 16 April 2007 - Playhouse
Show Listing:
Northampton:
* Weds, 18 April 2007 - Derngate Theatre
RECENT AUSSIE DVD RELEASES
(Lisa Manekofsky - 30th Nov)
Earlier this month Roadshow Entertainment released two repackaged Goodies DVDS. According to a sticker on the covers, each is specially priced under $15 through December 31, 2006.
* "The Goodies - 4 Delicious Episodes" contains the first disk from the previously released "The Goodies - 8 Delicious Episodes". Contents include the digitally restored episodes "Tower of London", "Gender Education", "Kitten Kong", and "The Goodies and the Beanstalk" as well as commentaries on two episodes (Kitten Kong & Beanstalk), storyboards, a laughter-free track on "Goodies and the Beanstalk", and a digital restoration featurette.
* "The Goodies - A Second Helping: 4 Tasty Serves" contains the first disk from the previously released "The Goodies - A Tasty Second Helping". Contents include the digitally restored episodes "Radio Goodies", "Come Dancing" (black & white version), "The Movies", and "South Africa" as well as commentaries on two episodes (The Movies & South Africa) and the Goodies Christmas Night with the Stars 1972 clip (aka "The Goodies Traveling Instant Five-Minute Christmas").
Please note that the covers of "A Second Helping: 4 Tasty Serves" and "A Tasty Second Helping" are especially similar (as are the titles) – check carefully to make sure you are purchasing the DVDs you want. In case it is helpful I've put a side-by-side comparison of the DVDs mentioned above in the Goodies Illustrated Guide at http://mysite.verizon.net/vze7yes3/illustratedguides/videos_dvds.html
GOODIES UKTV REPEATS
(Lisa Manekofsky - 21st Nov)
Sun, 26 Nov - repeats of "The Goodies" on UKTV (Austar/Foxtel) from noon-1:00pm.
COLLECTABLE GOODIES
(Lisa Manekofsky - 30th Nov)
Ezydvd has pushed back the release date for "The Tasty Tin" (their exclusive version of "The Tasty Box" in a collector's tin) to 6 December.
TOP OF THE POPS REVISITED
(Lisa Manekofsky – 11th Dec)
Sat, 23 Dec - "TOTP 2" on UKTV G2 at 10:00-11:00. An edition featuring famous comedy songs, including a contribution from The Goodies.
TRANDEM TRIVIA
(Lisa Manekofsky – 11th Dec)
Back in C&G Issue #104 we reported that the blue trandem used in the Goodies LWT series had been sold on eBay to a three man comedy group called "The Trap" (http://www.thetrap.co.uk ). Last year, the bike turned up in the "Return of the Goodies" special, although it had been repainted red for the occasion.
Last week I received an email from Dan Mersh of The Trap, who'd stumbled upon my "Trandem Identification Guide" (part of the Goodies Illustrated Guide - www.goodiesillustratedguide.com ). Dan kindly provided the following update about the LWT trandem: "although the production company who made Return Of The Goodies did indeed paint it red for that show, we insisted that they use a removable paint and that it be returned to us in its original state which indeed it was. It is now back to tip-top condition (after we bought it it needed a fair bit of work to make it roadworthy)."
4. 2001 AND A BIT
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.
(All items in this section contributed by Lisa Manekofsky)
BILL SPOTTINGS
* Tuesdays - "Bill Oddie's How to Watch Wildlife" is being repeated by BBC 2 at 20:00
(21st Nov)
* Nightly - "Bill Oddie's Animal House" on The Baby Channel (Sky channel 285) nightly at 8pm (thanks for Fiona Mikiel for this info)
(21st Nov)
* Various - UKTV Style Gardens is showing "Bill Oddie Goes Wild" and "Springwatch with Bill Oddie". Check your local listings for dates and times.
(21st Nov)
* Various - UKTV Documentary and UKTV Documentary Plus 1 are showing "Birding With Bill Oddie". Check your local listings for dates and times.
(21st Nov)
* Spotted the following at http://wealthiestsites.blogspot.com/2006/12/gorilla-fun-run-to-raise-money-for.html : "Nearly a thousand people donned gorilla suits for a seven kilometre run through the streets of London to raise money for gorillas. Amongst them, although without his gorilla suit, was the TV presenter Bill Oddie. Now in its fourth year, the 'Gorilla Fun Run' aims to highlight the plight of African gorillas in the wild."
The website includes a short clip of the runners plus Bill talking about the efforts to raise awareness of gorillas' situation.
(8th Dec)
* Mon, 11 Dec to Fri, 15 Dec - "My Famous Family" hosted by Bill on UKTV History at 13:00. Repeated an hour later on UKTV History Plus 1.
(11th Dec)
* Sat, 16 Dec - "Top 50 Greatest Celebrity Animals" with Bill is being repeated on Sky Three at 20:00 and again on Sky Two on Friday, 22 Dec at 20:00.
(11th Dec)
* Tues, 19 Dec - "All I Want For Christmas" with Bill. UKTV Style at 10:30, repeated at 23:30. Also on UKTV Style Plus 1 at 11:30, repeated at 22:30. Here's a listing" The Top Ten Naughtiest Presents. An irreverent top ten countdown of the most memorable Christmas presents, with each episode featuring a different category, ranging from the most extravagant to the weirdest. Today features the sauciest, sexiest gifts - with some surprising revelations from celeb contributors. Chefs Ed Baines and Gino D'Acampo get sex toys and whips, and what's in Bill Oddie's stocking?"
(11th Dec)
GRAEME SPOTTINGS
* Thursdays - "One" on BBC Radio 4 at 11:00pm. The show features a series of monologues, including contributions from Graeme, Bill, and others.
(21st Nov)
* Fri, 24 Nov - "QI" with Graeme on BBC 4 at 22:30. Repeated on BBC2 on Fri, 1 Dec at 22:00.
(21st Nov)
* Keep an eye out for Graeme's small cameo in an upcoming appearance of the "Agatha Christie's Maple" episode "Nemesis".
(21st Nov)
* "Doctor in the House" series 1 was released on DVD in the UK last week. As you may know, Graeme and Bill wrote many of the scripts for this series.
(30th Nov)
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE (ISIHAC) and
I'M SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN (ISIRTA)
* Clair posted a photo from a recent ISIHAC recording (with Jeremy Hardy) in the club forums. She also provided this link to a larger version of the image:
(20th Nov)
* Mondays - "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue". The new series airs on BBC Radio 4 at 18:30. Each episode will be repeated around noon the following Sunday. The show can be heard online live and then via Listen Again for a week after the initial broadcast at www.bbc.co.uk/radio4
(21st Nov)
* Sundays - ABC Radio National is broadcasting "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue" (with Tim and Graeme) on Sunday mornings at 5.30am.
(21st Nov)
* Mondays - BBC 7 airs old episodes of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" (with Tim and Graeme). Each episode is available via Listen Again for six days after broadcast. The show can be heard worldwide via the internet from www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7 .
(21st Nov)
* The following is from the 8 December issue of the BBC 7 Newsletter:
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue: Willie Rushton Anniversary To mark the 10th anniversary of the death of the late, great and much missed Willie Rushton, we have a week of specially chosen episodes of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, featuring Willie at his rib tickling best. On Monday we begin with a special compilation programme of some of Willie's finest moments introduced by producer Jon Naismith. Throughout the week chairman Humphrey Lyttelton and fellow panelists Tim Brooke Taylor, Barry Cryer and Graeme Garden introduce a selection of favourite programmes. This is a Clue treat not to be missed. You can access the team's reminiscences on Seven's Shorts
Monday to Friday at 12.30pm and 7.30pm
(9th Dec)
* Mon, 18 Dec - "Hamish and Dougal: You'll Have Had Your Tea". The first series is being repeated on BBC 7 at 23:00. The first episode airs on 18 Dec.
(11th Dec)
5. FEATURE ARTICLE
(contributed by Wackywales)
Daily Mail - September 27, 1994
PEOPLE REALLY BELIEVED THAT WE LIVED TOGETHER
* THE Goodies became famous in the Seventies as that zany TV trio who rode a three-seater bike and would do anything, any time. Tim Brooke-Taylor, now 53, and his wife Christine have two sons, Ben and Edward. Graeme Garden, 50, lives in Oxfordshire with his second wife, Emma and their son. He also has two children, Sally and John, from his first marriage. Bill Oddie, 53, lives in London with his wife Laura Beaumont and their eight-year-old daughter, Rosie. He has two older daughters, dancer Bonnie Oddie and actress Kate Hardie, from his first marriage . Now, as videos of The Goodies comedy classics are being released, Tim, Bill and Graeme talk to RACHEL TRETHEWEY about their relationships on and off screen.
TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR
Bill and I met within the first few weeks at university. Bill looked completely different then, he was very clean-shaven and wiry. He seemed to have a rock on his shoulder, rather than a chip.
I had been to Winchester College and quite clearly Bill had been told that anyone from public school was awful. I pointed out that the school he went to, King Edward's in Birmingham, is one of the best in the country and we quickly became good friends.
We appeared in various shows and it was a joy writing and performing together. Bill was a loner but he joined in with my gang and he was the hit of our Footlights reviews.
I got to know Graeme better when I worked with him after university. We went through hell together doing Broaden Your Mind because we hadn't done anything quite like it before and had terrible times in production. Bill joined the programme after Graeme and me, when it was just the two of us it was a bit cosy, we needed Bill to spice it up.
When The Goodies began, we were superficially like our characters, but my character came to represent most of the things I hate – that unquestioning conservatism and making the assumption that you were superior. Bill and Graeme changed a bit and became the opposite of their characters, as they were terribly settled and proud of their houses.
As a threesome we had enough honesty to able to send each other up. One would step out of line and the other two would say: 'Uhhuh, excuse me, I don't think you can do that.' Rows between us were infrequent, but I found them unpleasant because if we did row it meant a serious moment had arrived. We all reacted in a different way. I'd go over the top and take an extreme position. Bill would take the opposite view and Graeme would go silent. That would then annoy Bill and I so much that we'd turn on Graeme. Bill and I took different positions partly because we were trying to find out exactly what we felt, then we'd find quite often Graeme had the answer.
Bill and Graeme instinctively got on, but there were moments of almost bewilderment between them. At those times Bill couldn't make out why Graeme wasn't saying anything, and Graeme would be thinking: 'Why doesn't Bill just shut up?'
But because we are all very different we weren't threats to each other and worked well together because we knew the strengths of the others. Graeme is one of the most talented people I've ever met, but he needs a good kick. With him, it was not so much telling him to stop, but to start. He needed Bill and I to push him along.
As a trio we were united against the world and if one of us went out on a limb, the others would gather round. I found it difficult when other people criticised Bill or Graeme and I defended them the way you do your parents or children.
Bill used to get people's backs up on the show, but that was because he was a perfectionist and actually wanted to get it right. He wasn't good at smoothing feathers afterwards and that was one of my roles.
We became really good friends because if you know that the rest of the world is about to judge you, you get closer and closer. When Bill and Graeme went through their divorces, they could talk to me. I didn't give advice, but I understood.
Occasionally, our families still meet up and it's a really good experience. About three years ago, Christine and I invited the other two families to lunch and we watched videos of The Goodies. We roared with laughter and it seemed very natural.
When we meet up, it's really good fun. I see Graeme because I do a radio show with him, but it's a work environment so we don't gossip as much. I think I know Graeme very well, but there's a side of him I don't know. I find that's an endearing quality and I totally respect his privacy.
Bill and I don't see much of each other, but when we do we pick up exactly where we left off. Bill has a terrific affectionate quality and is very loyal. He has changed a lot, he's mellowed and that's good for him.
If the three of us ever lost touch it would be a great shame. It's like war veterans; we can be self-indulgent and talk about the past.
BILL ODDIE
At university, Tim became as good a friend as I had. I found the first year there lonely and only managed to find a circle of friends through acting. Tim and I were both at Pembroke College and involved in Footlights.
Graeme was in the year below and I didn't know him that well. We really got to know each other after university. We had enormous fun working together as The Goodies, but it was hard work as well.
Working together, we never had real rows, but Tim and I were far more likely to row than Graeme. Sometimes I'd get annoyed or Tim would snap at me if I messed around, saying: 'Are you going to stick to the words or not?'
Tim has very strong views on things and he's never afraid to say what he thinks. That edge between us was part of the fun.
Tim and I are both garrulous and up-front, but there's an inbuilt shyness in Graeme and you want to say to him: 'It's okay, loosen up and just talk more.' He's very talented, but there's something about him that makes him want to step back from the limelight. However, perhaps Graeme shut up because he came to the conclusion that he wasn't going to get a word in edgeways. Our families got to know each other, too. My kids, Kate and Bonnie, came filming with us and Tim has always taken an interest in their careers.
I don't know his sons that well, but there was one famous occasion when Edward was boisterous and kicked me in the crotch. I said: 'If you do that again, I'll kick you there.' It became a joke later. I had a reputation for being stroppy and whenever I was, Tim said he'd get one of his sons to kick me. We spent a huge amount of time at one another's houses, so we were in a position to watch what was happening in each other's lives. Graeme and I saw each other through the break-up of our first marriages. We were sympathetic and could talk to each other.
Now we don't keep in touch that much. It's partially due to geography and because we have different schedules, Graeme lives beyond Oxford and Tim is away a lot. But even if I don't see them for ages when we get back together you immediately know there's a sympathy there.
I still feel very close to Tim and have a great affection for him. I know that if I had a problem and wanted to talk to somebody, then I could talk to him.
I equally feel as fond of Graeme, he's an extremely nice fellow, but he is less easy to get to know. Although we hardly ever see each other, I still count both Tim and Graeme as good friends.
GRAEME GARDEN
At university Tim, Bill and I met in Footlights. Tim was president of the club and even then he was specialising in upper-crust toffee-nosed types, while Bill did some drawings for the student art magazine I was involved in. Later, we came up with the idea for The Goodies while working on Broaden Your Mind. Although we weren't very like our characters in The Goodies, we looked like the types we were playing.
It worked as a threesome because we were all very different. Had there been two people like me or two like Bill, they would have been at each other's throats. Grumpiness was as deep as it got between us; there were disagreements about the best way to do things, but not bad-tempered arguments. If any two of us were together, we'd probably be slagging off the other one, but it became a game and there was deep fondness underneath. Tim and I would get annoyed by Bill when he ad-libbed or started laughing when a gag of his went particularly well. On those occasions, Tim and I would turn to each other and say: 'So help me, I'll swing for him.'
But at other times Tim would get on his high horse about something not always relevant to what was being discussed. He was quite set in his opinions. As a threesome, we were totally frank with each other. We didn't lie or flatter each other about our performances, but we were pretty good at saying if something worked well.
We were on different wavelengths, but I could tune into both of them. I'm quite private, certainly much more than Bill, while Tim is somewhere in between. Sometimes, if I appeared to sit on the fence during discussions, Bill particularly, and occasionally Tim, would get a bit cross, but I wouldn't say anything unless I thought it was worth saying.
When we were making The Goodies we lived in each other pockets in the Hampstead area. There weren't many parties, but we'd have dinner with each other and with mutual friends. On those occasions, we didn't talk much about work, we discussed other television programmes, sport and politics.
Our working routine was that Bill would pick us up in his Mini in the mornings and take us home at night. Spending hours together in a Mini is a true test of friendship and we laughed a lot. We appeared together so much people that assumed we all lived together. It meant that if they'd told one of us something, they assumed we would pass it on to the others when we got home. In the end, we had to make it clear that we didn't all ride home on a three-seater bike.
We became good friends and at times confided in each other. When my first marriage to Liz broke up in the late Seventies, Tim and Bill were very supportive and they let me stay with them when I wasn't quite sure where I'd be living. Similarly, when Bill was having problems in his marriage to Jean he'd occasionally sleep on a couch at my place.
Since The Goodies finished we've gone in different directions. Bill's very much into music and passionate about bird-watching. Tim works in the theatre and plays a lot of golf. I'm working in a proper job making management training films.
I see Tim on average every couple of months because we work together on radio. I don't see Bill quite so often, but it's good fun when we all meet up. We don't sit round awkwardly, we plunge straight into our relationship again. We've got a lot of catching up to do and like finding out what our families are up to. Deep down, I don't think Tim and Bill have changed much, although some features are more mellow and Bill is less excitable than he used to be. I know them both pretty well and a very good friend is someone you don't need to see every day or even every year. It's someone you can just meet and pick up literally where you left off.'
6. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #26
FATHER CHRISTMAS DO NOT TOUCH ME
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
WHO?
After their last music review, Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) and Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) had disguised themselves as a pantomime horse in a bid to put Uncle Butcher (than most) and his fellow hunters off the trail and stop them from terrorising every suburban backstreet, supermarket carpark and school drop-off zone aboard their massive 4WD steeds. Everything was going according to plan for the Emperor and Peaches until the Indians (disguised as parking inspectors) rounded them up for overstaying in a two hour zone and flogged them off to a Mr W.E.Oddie of Sunny Meadows farm. He intended to enter them in the Grand National at the attractive odds of 10,000 to 1 to win back the little bit of his own money, quite a bit of their money and all of your money that he had spent on erecting a gypsy-proof fence around his property to keep the blighters in (apparently their fiddle playing and singing is the best thing for scaring the mice away from his stables). However Tim's teary run across the meadow distracted him for long enough for the Emperor and Peaches to make a run for it (losing the Grand National in an extended photo finish in the process) and so before they get chained to Santa's sleigh to help with the present delivery run to recoup their losses, we'll cross over to your dirty-minded DJs and their review of "FATHER CHRISTMAS DO NOT TOUCH ME" by The Goodies.
WHERE? WHEN?
"Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me" can be heard on the 70's albums "The Goodies Greatest", "Best Of ... The Goodies" and "The Goodies Greatest Hits", as a single (with "The Inbetweenies" on the flip side) and on the 1997 CD "Yum Yum … The Very Best Of The Goodies"
WHAT?
Lyrics:sung by Bill, with contributions from Tim and Graeme, to the tune of the "Battle Hymn Of The Republic"
At twelve o'clock on Christmas Eve, she tiptoed up the stairs
She stood beneath the mistletoe and combed her silken hair
Then Santa Claus slipped down the flue and caught her unawares
And this is what she said, Ohhhhhhhh
Father Christmas do not touch me, Father Christmas do not touch me
Father Christmas do not touch me, as she stood beneath the mistletoe
"Oh my name is Father Christmas" he informed her as he met her
She said "Good grief, it's seven years since I sent you a letter!"
He said "I can't stand little girls, BIGGER ONES ARE BETTER!!"
And this is what she said, Ohhhhhhhh
Father Christmas do not touch me, Father Christmas do not touch me
Father Christmas do not touch me, as she stood beneath the mistletoe
Father Christmas do not touch ..., Father Christmas do not touch ...
Father Christmas do not touch ..., as she stood beneath the mistletoe
Father Christmas do not ..., Father Christmas do not ...
Father Christmas do not ..., as she stood beneath the mistletoe
Father Christmas do ..., Father Christmas do ...
Father Christmas do ..., as she stood beneath the mistletoe
Father Christmas ..., Father Christmas ..., Father Christmas...!
As she stood beneath the mistletoe
Father ..., Father ..., FATHER ...!!
As she stood beneath the mistletoe
Faaa ..., Faaa ..., FAAA ...!
As she stood beneath the mistletoe
He's a most immoral Santa, he's a most immoral Santa,
He's a most immoral Santa, as she stood beneath the mistletoe
(Ho ho ho, ho ho ho!)
Oh (rein) dear-y me! This one really belongs on the "Nothing To Do With Us" album along with those other equally naughty Goodies tunes about constant farting, cactuses in the crotch, rampant drug use, and screwing everything in sight. However it somehow escaped and popped up on several of their mainstream releases, and just in time for the festive season too. This jolly little number sounds like the kind of bawdy rugby song that Reverend Llewellyn and his Welsh Druids would launch into with gusto after a big win in the Ecclesiastical Sevens tournament, while skolling a pot of beer for each ever-decreasing verse. Bad old Santa has snuck down the chimney and reckons that all of his Christmases have come at once when he spies a pretty young lass parked beneath the mistletoe, fulfilling his own motto that it's far more fun to give than to receive by trying to get his Claus around her. He'd better watch out though, for Mrs Claus will surely sleigh him if she ever finds out what he's been up to on the side – at the very least, she'd make sure that his bells didn't jingle anymore afterwards! Pity Desiree Carthorse if she decided to turn off her TV because it kept featuring titillating closeups of Robert Dougall's lips and switched on her radio instead on Christmas Eve – she would freak out and think that this song was "Obscene, dirty, squalid, scabrous, salacious, lewd, randy, rude, outrageous, lubricious ... and a bit off!" ... and she'd be right on, baby!
WHY?
(Peaches Stilletto):
Saint Nick has more than just a lump of coal waiting for one unsuspecting "little" girl this Christmas, confirming what we've known all along . . . old men who repeatedly ask children to sit on their laps cannot be trusted. Of course in this day and age Father Christmas can probably access countless websites to satisfy his annual whims (which would probably save him from countless litigations and failed political ambitions). No one could argue after numerous trips down countless chimneys that Santa is a dirty old man. Regarding the song itself, our musical heroes reached into the depths of degradation for this yuletide ditty and produced a number which manages to bastardize Christmas and the Battle Hymn of the Republic all in one go. This tune surely must rival "Bingo" in the category of "song most likely to drive parents completely bonkers." Only imagine the insurmountable horror of having your pre-pubescent kiddie-winkies belting out this number repeatedly over the Queen's Speech, complete with orgasmic moans. Oh sure, the wee tots may not have any idea what they're actually singing about but really, would any Christmas be complete without sexually suggestive refrains being shouted at the top of Tiny Tim's lungs? Talk about making a daft noise at Christmas!
(Emperor Caligula):
Yule never believe this, but the North Pole is a ho ho ho-rribly lonely place for poor old Father Christmas for 364 nights of the year. What with Mrs Claus being rather frosty and often giving him the cold shoulder, it's every man for thems-elves ... however Santa gets a bit bored of that after a while and longs for a touch of way-hey-hey and a spot of bunny fun just like any other red-blooded (and red-suited) bloke. So when he gets his one night of freedom a year, you can hardly blame him for looking at his lists of who's been naughty and who's been nice, shrugging his shoulders in disdainful resignation, writing his own name on the naughty list and going off to do something to justify it seeing as he won't be receiving any presents from himself! The song is rather open-ended as to exactly what he does get up to, though one assumes that he's not known as St. Knickerless for nothing! While the subject matter is definitely "a bit off", the strident tune and delivery of the lyrics makes this number a real Goodies guilty pleasure, and I have great difficulty in singing along to it without at least cracking a grin and having a few naughty thoughts that would require a confessional with Bill just before the world ends at midnight.
HOW!
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
II 1/2 Fair-y Goodymother (Peaches Stiletto)
III 1/2 Amazingly Goody – with not-very-nice connections! (Emperor Caligula)
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
Upcoming Music Reviews:
February edition – "Spank That Hamster"
April edition – "Sick Man Blues"
7. GOODIES WORDFINDER
(by Brett Allender)
This puzzle contains hidden words and phrases relating to The Goodies' Christmas-themed episode "Earthanasia".
Try to find all the listed words in the puzzle. Words may be found horizontally, vertically, or diagonally. Upon completion, the 17 unused letters can be rearranged to form a saying of four words (4, 4, 3 and 6 letters, plus a rogue apostrophe!) from this episode - clue: "the end of the world is nigh" Solution in next month's edition of the newsletter.
THE PUZZLE
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WORD LIST
Angel
Anger
A-String
Belly button
Birthdays
Boom
Carols
Chimney
Cod
Fozzie
Fun
Gerbil
Good swill
Hypnosis
Ironing
Jane
Joke
Kermit
Kill
Kojak
Loony
Mars bars
Midnight
Nuts
Pate
Shiny shoes
Sins
Socks
Skateboard
Stove
Taxi
Teapot
Turkey
Zero seconds
8. GOODIESRULEOK? SEARCH ME!
(by Brett Allender)
A few more strange search strings that have led websurfers to our site, accidentally or otherwise:
- "rising damp torrent"
(Is that sunlamp is still attached to the butterfly at the North Pole?!)
- "doris newbold"
(She still comes with a pint of beer and a free magnifying glass)
- "Give an anagram of the word ' tears'"
(Rates, stare, resat, tares, taser, sreta ... hmm, time to give this t'arse!)
"Perth Tripe Club"
(Do they also serve up pikelets, black pudding, chip butties and a piece of parkin for afters? Yum.)
"baked beans fart TV commercial"
(Tim's schoolboy was very restrained given all the beans that he ate, or did he just "blow off silent so you'd never know"?)
"goodies union jack underpants"
(Looks like Tim has started a whole new fashion trend there)
"just a minute nicholas parsons download"
(I wouldn't even give him that long – unless we're downloading a ton of bricks on top of him!)
"sister in law cane knickers ankles arse On fire please"
(Well OK, seeing as we do anything anytime and you asked nicely! Hopefully I can find the Royal Flush escape from the nick a little quicker than the Goodies did though!)
"why is my goldfish so fat"
(Because Tim hasn't done this week's ironing yet)
" superstars changing clothes website"
(Our superstars had a magic wardrobe to change in, which hopefully kept the web cameras at bay. We'd better check the website to find out!)
9. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
(a) Bill Oddie
(b) Two months
(c) That Old Black Magic
(d) Increasing overcrowding and pollution
(e) A Union Jack corset / his own personal Concord
(f) 11:56
(g) A pair of y-fronts and a mop head
(h) His belly button
YOUR SCORE:
8 Goodies fan supreme
7 Mastermind of the year
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0 Rolf Harris!
NEXT C&G EDITION:
- #134: 15th January 2007.
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The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2006. All rights reserved.
Permission to reproduce this work or any section of it, in any form must first be obtained from the copyright holders.
For further information regarding this publication please e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.
For other general enquiries about the 'Goodies Rule - OK' fan club or 'The Goodies' itself, please e-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com>
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