PLOT
Tim and Graeme spend a relaxing evening at home listening to the gramophone, but they soon realise that they are being spied on by a frumpy-looking old lady. She firstly watches them through a periscope, then takes a series of photos and finally sneaks up on them with a leafy twig in front of her face as cover. When Tim and Graeme ask her identity, she introduces herself as Mrs Desiree Carthorse from the 'Keep Filth Off Television Campaign'. She has a very important job which she can only entrust to someone with a responsible attitude to watching television and when a puzzled Graeme says: "But we weren't watching television!", she firmly replies "That is what *I* call a responsible attitude!"
At this point, Bill returns from the movies and wants to tell the others all about the "wildlife" film he saw - 'Torrid Nudes Of Grope City' (great title!) - which forces some very hasty cover-up work from Tim and Graeme (T: "It's about birds with big wings that nest in door knockers!") so as not to offend Mrs Carthorse. Bill initially doesn't believe that it's really her (B: "You're pulling my leg!" Mrs C: (gasps in horror) "I never thought I'd hear a gentleman like you use a disgusting word like l-e-g!" B (astonished): "You're right, it is her, isn't it?!"), but he and the others are willing to put up with her prudishness if it means getting the job and some money from her. The job involves the Goodies making a BBC sex education film for schoolchildren called 'How To Make Babies By Doing Dirty Things' using the script purposely written by Mrs Carthorse (as she was so appalled that the BBC even considered the idea that she "decided to make the beastly film myself!"), in which all of the "dirty things" and "rude bits" are covered up with white sheets, along with all of the props and characters as well.
The Goodies are proud of their efforts upon screening the film in their office, but Mrs Carthorse immediately claims that she is shocked and condemns the film without even watching it ("Why should I change the habit of a lifetime!") after she sees the word 'gender' in the opening credits, which outrages her because "g-e-n-d-e-r and s-e-(x gesture) mean the same thing!" In no time at all, the Goodies' name is mud, as the BBC Radio 4 announcer bags them for producing a "repulsive piece of gratuitous titillation" and that "something should be done about the nasty little minds that made it" (before going on to the shipping forecast!), a schoolteacher, priest and scoutmaster storm into their office and abuse them ("Boooo ...Filthy swine ... Smutty rubbish ... Ought to be flogged ... Bring back National Service!") and Tim receives a nasty letter from his Mummy. However the prospect of outspoken backbench MP Sir Reginald Wheelbarrow airing his views on television later that afternoon gives the Goodies an opportunity to set things right.
The Goodies visit Parliament during the afternoon break, as MPs race around playing with toys and games like schoolkids at primary school recess. Bill lures Sir Reginald to the gate with a series of bigger lollypops before Tim and Graeme belt him unconscious with the largest one. The Goodies then take Sir Reginald's place on the current affairs program (all seated side-by-side and hidden behind a monster moustache while bellowing their replies in unison) and manage to convince the presenter that it's a "jolly good film" which is "perfectly harmless and innocent". The presenter is rather annoyed with 'Sir Reginald's endorsement of the film on the show; as he snaps "What the hell do you think you're playing at?! You know perfectly well you're only invited on this program to give some loony extremist point of view. You just pull your socks up Reggie boy, otherwise there'll be no nice fat cheques and free publicity for you!" and he pulls his hairpiece off in a flustered manner after the camera has stopped running. However when he discovers the Goodies' ruse he is quite impressed and wants them to produce some really violent shows for the BBC to satisfy the viewing public; an offer which Bill is delighted to take up to the dismay of Tim and Graeme.
After four days of producing disgustingly brutal TV shows (such as 'Match of the Day' with all of the football edited out and the fouls and punch-ups all shown in slow motion and action replay), Bill has become totally corrupted by his sudden fame and fortune. Tim's accusation of "You're a mean, vicious, unprincipled little brute!" draws a haughty reply of "Well I always was!" from Bill, who has only returned to the office because he needs some "technical boffin" advice from Graeme on how to "pep up the epilogue (using) exploding vicars". Bill proposes that the vicar should be able to convert a proportion of atheists within a certain time frame or he gets blown up. A horrified Graeme gasps "But that's murder!", to which Bill callously replies "No no no, that's showbusiness!" Bill is also ready to shoot "the death scene from Cinderella … the kids love it!" and Graeme's plea of "Oh you're not doing it for children, are you?" only draws a scornful "Well you wouldn't do Cinderella for adults, would you? You fools!" from an increasingly bombastic Bill as he departs.
Tim tries to call Mrs Carthorse in a bid to halt Bill's gore fest, but she is already on her way to the Goodies' office to "kick up a h-e-l-l of a s-t-i-n-k" over the TV violence that she thinks that all of the Goodies are responsible for, only to be told to "Belt up, you silly old c-o-w!" by a frustrated Tim. Mrs Carthorse accompanies Tim and Graeme on the trandem to Bill's film set in an attempt to stop him and they find weapons and gory scenes everywhere on the way to the control centre (though Mrs Carthorse is much happier once Tim and Graeme cover her glasses with sticky tape so that she can't see anything!) Bill is carried in on a chariot by his team of flunkies ("Ha-ha, come to see the master at work, have you?!") and he soon puts a stop to Mrs Carthorse's hectoring by saying "Knickers!" to her; causing her to collapse with shock.
Bill views the action so far which features Buttons the clown mowing down sexy leather-clad Sinders with a burst of machine gun fire in a St. Valentine's Day massacre, and the bloodlust sends Bill completely berserk. He flees the control van, runs amok throughout his film set and guns most of his cast down with a hail of bullets from a camera, while Tim and Graeme take cover inside a large wicker pot. Bill suddenly calms down, returns to his studio, remarks about having a "funny turn", cheerfully greets Mrs Carthorse and watches the playback of his epic; however the thought of the Prince strangling the Ugly Sister is enough to set him off again and he gets the urge to strangle Mrs Carthorse as well. Tim and Graeme intervene to save her, but Bill is crazed enough to pull the main power switch in defiance of their pleas, which sends a trail of flames spurting along the cable towards the BBC headquarters.
Graeme and Tim try their best to extinguish the flames in time, but are stopped at the gate by a security guard and the BBC goes up with a big bang. Upon returning home, Tim does some knitting, Graeme threatens to do his Rolf Harris impersonation on the banjo and Bill sits still with white-shaded glasses on to avoid being corrupted again. Mrs Carthorse returns to thank them, but is bored from having no TV coverage to turn off in disgust and asks "What do people do when they have nothing to watch?" Bill's incredulous response is "Whaddya think they do?" and he produces a telescope for her to look through. Mrs Carthorse sees two lovebirds in red hot action silhouetted in an adjacent window and she gives a horrified shriek; then strides off down the street as she repeatedly shakes her fist and yells "Stop it! Stop it!" to all and sundry. Bill says "Well, why not!" and the Goodies open a door to usher in three very attractive maidens; then proceed to play chess with them as the credits start to roll.
CLASSIC QUOTES
* Mrs Carthorse: "I don't find you reading dirty books, looking at filthy television programs and playing around with girls. You are obviously ..."
Graeme (ruefully): "Unlucky!"
Tim: " Unlucky ... (quickly changes tune) no, no, we're pure, pure ... We're the Goodies, we're as pure as the driven snow!"
* Mrs C: "I'm going to watch television all evening in case they show any more titillating close-ups of Robert Dougall's lips!"
Narrator of gender education film: "Now we all know about the rude bits. Aren't they rude! And as we grow up, they get ruder and ruder!"
* Bill (justifying the film): "We were only showing the facts of life."
Mrs C: "If I had my way, nobody would know the facts of life until they were over sixty and by then it would be too late for them to do anything about it!"
* Bill: "It is Mrs Carthorse, isn't it?"
Mrs C: "Yes."
Bill (inquisitively): "What does your husband do?"
Mrs C (huffily): "He keeps his distance!"
* TV Presenter (describing the Goodies gender education film): "Obscene, dirty, squalid, scabrous, salacious, lewd, randy, rude, outrageous, lubricious ... and a bit off!"
* Bill (to an outraged Mrs C): "Shoosh, shoosh, come here, c'mon, come a bit closer, c'mon ... Knickers!"
Mrs C: "Oooooh!" (collapses in shock)
Tim (shocked): "You've killed her!"
Bill (dismissively): "Yes, good!!"
CLASSIC SCENES
* Tim and Graeme's desperate attempts to shield Bill's vivid description of the film he has just been watching - 'Torrid Nudes Of Grope City'! - from Mrs Carthorse in case she gets offended and retracts her job offer. Bill effusively utters "There was this bird ... " – causing Mrs Carthorse to snap "A bird?!" and Tim to hastily claim that it was a wildlife film (to Bill's enthusiastic response of "Wild life, I should say so, hey!") - and Bill's gesturing follow-up that she "had the most enormous pair of ..." forces Graeme to quickly interject with "Wings! Big wings." When a perplexed Bill says "Knockers!", Tim comes to the rescue by explaining to Mrs Carthorse that the film was about "birds with big wings that nest in door knockers" – nice save!
* After warning the Goodies not to mention "S-E-" (then making an "X" with hand gestures) in the film, Mrs Carthorse leaves the room and Bill grumbles "How are we supposed to make a film like that without mentioning sex!" An irate Mrs Carthorse reappears and sprays Bill with a mighty blast of air freshener before stalking out again.
* The gender education film 'How To Make Babies By Doing Dirty Things', with Graeme as narrator and all of the characters and props (including flowers, chocolates and even the birds and the bees), covered in sterile white sheets so as not to offend anyone's sensibilities. The narration explains that there is a difference between men and women ("... and do you know what it is? Men are better at football!") but in order to understand the other differences properly, "we need to see the man and the lady with no clothes on" (cue Tim and his female companion clad from head to toe in white sheets!) An explanation follows of the "erogenous zones – or what you and I would call the rude bits!", and an embarrassed Graeme has to cover his eyes and sheepishly point to the "rude bits" of the man and woman. Even the act of the man and lady holding hands on the bed is covered by Bill holding a 'censored' sign in the script written by Mrs Carthorse, while the film concludes with a 'Micro Goodies Films' logo featuring a roaring lion that is also covered with a white sheet!
* Bill going berserk while filming his violent movie, including hurling a cluster of knives at one of his crew, chasing cast members and the other Goodies wielding an axe, knocking Tim and Graeme over with a swinging dummy, destroying the set of a house with a battering ram, peppering his cast members and sets with gunfire from a camera then calmly walking back to his studio as if nothing has happened before flipping again and trying to strangle Mrs Carthorse. His mad rampage ends with the BBC headquarters going 'kaboom' in spectacular fashion - to quite a few canned cheers too!
* Mrs Carthorse asking what people do when they are not watching television and Bill showing her two lovebirds in action through his telescope. This produces an appalled shriek of "Oooh, disgusting! I'll put a stop to it!" and the classic footage of Mrs Carthorse wandering down the street continually yelling "Stop it! Stop it!", while the Goodies relieve their own boredom with the company of three very pretty girls - for a game of chess!
GUEST STARS
Beryl Reid, Richard Wattis, Alex Macintosh, John Lawrence, Jim Collier, Valerie Stanton, Tony West
GOODIES SONGS
Needed
Berserk
MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS
Twoey Chew Gum
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
In Tim's interview in the 'Clarion and Globe', he claims that the most painful moment of the Goodies lives was receiving a telegram at the end of Series 1 from British morals campaigner Mary Whitehouse congratulating them on making such a good clean show. This episode proved to be the big-time payback, with Beryl Reid doing a sensationally wicked send-up as Desiree Carthorse in one of the greatest guest roles for the entire run of the show. Add in some crazed violence from a corrupted Bill and heaps of funny quotes and scenes, and it makes for a top episode
BLACK PUDDING RATING
