» #102 May 2004
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
Issue No. 102 12th May 2004
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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 325
Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
- Brett Allender
- Lisa Manekofsky
- David Piper-Balston
- Alison Bean
COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER:
- Linda Kay
C&G CONTRIBUTORS: Brian Labza, James Whittington, Marilyn Burge
1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you
2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
3. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - Politics
5. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #29
6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
Congratulations to our two winners of The Goodies Scavenger Hunt from our special 100th C&G last month.
* the winner of the t-shirt is Amy Rixon
* the winner of the bonus competition for the Goodies cap is Alana Read
Well done Amy and Alana; you've well and truly earnt your Wig Spotters Badges!
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
QUOTE: "What, he's wearing one sock? On his what?! Oh that's pretty unusual, I'm surprised it fits actually! Still, tell you something, he's not coming in, no, no, no. He'd look absolutely ridiculous dancing with a sock on his nose!"
(a) Which Goodie says this quote?
(b) Who is he talking about?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "Rome Antics"
(d) Which year is this episode set in?
(e) Why is the air in Cricklewood unfit to breathe at this time? (according to Bill anyway!)
(f) What is Tim's response to the Roman Ambassador's statement of "Legato sum."?
(g) Who does the Roman Emperor threaten to throw the Goodies to when he realises that there are no lions left?
(h) Which group invades Rome, creating a crisis for new Emperor Tim?
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <email@example.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
GOODIES CELEBRATED AT LAST
(by David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - 15th April
Radio 4 to celebrate comedy trio
The BBC is to air a celebration of The Goodies next month.
The news will go some way to placating fans - and stars Graeme Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Bill Oddie - who have long berated the corporation for refusing to repeat the classic Seventies comedy.
Outgoing BBC2 controller Jane Root is understood to dislike the series, feeling it has aged badly over the last three decades.
Now, following the successful release of some classic episodes on DVD, Radio 4 is to air a two-part profile of the team.
Phill Jupitus will presents the show, entitled No Fixed Abode, Cricklewood , starting on Tuesday May 25 at 11.30am, which charts the successful careers of the trio up to the Goodies launch in 1970.
Garden had written and acted alongside Ronnie Barker; Oddie had starred in a film with Tommy Cooper and Eric Sykes and Brooke-Taylor's history of acting and writing included masterminded Goodies forerunner Broaden Your Mind in 1968.
HOLD THE FRONT PAGE...
(by James Whittington - April 19th)
At the bbci news pages:
there's a small, predictable Goodies comment.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BBC2
(from information by David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - 20th April
There is an article about BBC2's anniversary which has a contribution by Tim on the BBC website referring to BBC2's Birthday. The celebration of BBC2 "Happy Birthday BBC TWO" is broadcast at 8pm tonight on BBC2, maybe we will get some Goodies content although shockingly it wasn't mentioned in the 40 shows list at http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/tv_and_radio/3619543.stm even though BBC1's 'Monty Python' and BBC3's 'Little Britain' were!!!!
This extract is taken from http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/tv_and_radio/3641455.stm
BBC Two has also gained a reputation for creating ground-breaking comedies from the satirical Not the Nine O'Clock News in the 1970s, to the Young Ones in the 1980s.
It also saw the debut of The Goodies in a late night slot.
Goodie Tim Brooke-Taylor told BBC News Online: "We had a very good relationship with all the BBC Two controllers. They knew we were slightly left of centre and that was what BBC Two was all about. They took a chance on us.
"BBC Two allowed us time which meant we could take risks, develop them and run with it."
But Brooke-Taylor acknowledged one of the best decisions made was to move The Goodies to an earlier slot on BBC One, although he was against it at the time.
TRANDEM FOR SALE
(by Lisa Manekofsky)
Late last year the blue trandem that was used in the Goodies LWT series was auctioned on eBay. After a bit of checking around I was put in touch with the person who won it; he kindly supplied the following information.
In 1987 a private collector bought the bike at a Sotheby's sale; it remained in that private collection until the 2003 eBay auction. The buyer sent me copies of some documentation he was given when he won the bike. This consisted of the back cover of the Sotheby's Catalogue from 1987 plus the page with the auction listing, which said "The Goodies 'Triandum' Bicycle, complete with cable brakes, five speed derailleur gears and tubular steel frame finished in blue (qty). The triandum was built in 1980 for the National T.V. Commercial Kleenex Super 3 featuring the Goodies and later filmed for Goodies ITV 1981 series". This is followed by what I believe was the estimated sale price of £800-1,200. Rather interestingly, the catalogue's back cover simply shows a publicity photo of the Goodies from the Kleenix ad (beneath which is written "Sotheby's, Founded 1744, Veteran * Vintage Vehicles". If anyone knows the specific catalogue this appeared in I'd be grateful for the info (feel free to contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org).
I had a chance to ask Tim Brooke-Taylor about the Kleenex ad. He said "I do remember doing it and the trandem being blue - but not much else except the execs having a long lunch at a very expensive restaurant (the Waterside at Bray) while we were pedaling furiously for a Kleenex ad."
The person who won the trandem last year told me that he only intended to keep it for a short period of time, as he'd bought it to use for publicity and free advertising. He's just notified me that he's put the trandem up on www.ebay.co.uk - the auction ends on 09-May-04 21:46:39 BST and can be found at http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4012208812&category=201&sspagename=STRK%3AMEBWA%3AIT&rd=1 under the listing "GOODIES BLUE TRIANDUM FROM 1981 SERIES". Here's hoping that it goes to a fan!
NO FIXED ABODE
(by Lisa Manekofsky)
The following interview with Graeme Garden appears the BBC's Press Office publication pi (Programme Information/Radio) for 22-28 May 2004 (which can be found at http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/proginfo/pdfs/radio/week21/bbcradiowk21_highs.pdf). This interview was printed to coincide with broadcast of the show "No Fixed Abode, Cricklewood" (the first part of which is scheduled to air on Tuesday, 25 May at 11.30am on BBC Radio 4).
Name: Graeme Garden
First radio broadcast?
"It was I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again in 1964."
"My heroes are the people I used to listen to as a kid, such as Kenneth Horne, The Goons, Tony Hancock, Kenneth Williams, Spike Milligan, Al Read and Richard Murdoch."
Most memorable moment on air?
"Getting to work with some of my heroes has been really memorable for me. I also did a play recently with Bill Nighy and I'm glad he's getting the recognition he deserves now."
Which news story would you most like to announce?
"A complete re-run of The Goodies and I'm available to make the announcement any time!"
On which other radio show would you most like to make a guest appearance?
"I've been on quite a few radio programmes, so I can't think of another particular one I'd like to guest on - I could think of one that I wouldn't like to be on..!"
Ideal radio chat show line-up?
"Leonardo da Vinci, Shakespeare and Sandi Toksvig to add a touch of humour!"
Fantasy DJ line-up?
"Bill Oddie because of his good knowledge of music . and I think he would make a good line-up all by himself!"
Do you listen to digital radio?
"I listen to BBC 7, though not as much as I'd like to. I think it's a perfect in-car listening channel."
Favourite TV show?
"Harry Hill's TV Burp really makes me laugh and I like watching Holby City, mainly because I appear in it every now and then and I like to keep tabs on my character!"
"The Third Man scores top points in every department for me. I'm also quite surprised that I liked Love Actually."
"I read a lot of rubbish actually but I recently enjoyed a book called English Passengers by Matthew Kneale."
"At the moment I like The Scissor Sisters' Take Your Mama. My son is a keyboard player and is currently touring with them."
"Randy Newman - he's musically very good and also witty."
"I used to love going fishing on the River Spey in Scotland."
Describe your perfect day off:
"When I go on holiday, the bits I always look forward to are relaxing by the pool and reading a good book."
Describe yourself in five words:
"Five words are not enough!"
Interview by Sarah Ward
In No Fixed Abode, Cricklewood, Phill Jupitus presents a two-part profile of the comedy team behind Seventies hit The Goodies: Graeme Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Bill Oddie. In the first episode this Tuesday, Goodies fanatic Phill traces the journeys made by the trio to the day in 1970 when the first series hit the small screen. Graeme Garden is also a regular on the much-loved I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, Radio 4's long-running antidote to panel games.
Further information about "No Fixed Abode, Cricklewood" appears in the programme listings of this publication:
No Fixed Abode, Cricklewood Ep 1/2
11.30am-12.00noon BBC RADIO 4
Comedian Phill Jupitus presents a two-part profile of the great comedy team behind the hit Seventies TV series, The Goodies: Graeme Garden,Tim Brooke-Taylor and Bill Oddie.
In the first episode, Phil, a self-confessed Goodies fanatic, traces the journeys made by each member of The Goodies to the day in 1970 when the first series launched onto the small screen. All three actors had a respectable track record - Graeme Garden had written and acted alongside Ronnie Barker in Hark At Barker in 1969, Bill Oddie was a writer on Doctor In The House in the same year and Derbyshire-born Tim Brooke-Taylor had a long history of acting and writing, and had been a driving force behind the forerunner to The Goodies, a series called Broaden Your Mind, in 1968.
Presenter/Phil Jupitus, Producer/Libby Cross
3. 2001 AND A BIT
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <email@example.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.
* On the website of Private Eye (London satirical magazine, formerly owned by the late Peter Cook), there is a section called "Dumb Britain", in which the most idiotic responses by dense members of the public are reproduced (as sent in by readers).
In the current issue of the mag (online), Graeme Garden is the questioner (and I have to say he receives a couple of very stupid responses). The page can be found at: http://www.private-eye.co.uk/content/showitem.cfm/issue.1104/section.dumb
If that link doesn't work, just go to www.private-eye.co.uk and click on the link for "Dumb Britain".
(Marilyn Burge - 21st April)
* Spotted in the writing credits of an early episode of "The Two Ronnies" was Tim Brooke-Taylor. I am unsure of the details but I do recall that several early episodes of The Two Ronnies used jokes adapted from various 1960's shows such as 'At Last The 1948 Show' and various Cambridge Circus revue sketches. These sketches were originally written by Tim Brooke-Taylor, John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin etc. The most famous examples is the "class difference" sketch with short Ronnie Corbett, medium Ronnie Barker and tall John Cleese standing in a row.
I think some of the "state of the party" sketches immediately following the news intros were also written by these guys.
Details are in From Fringe to Flying Circus.
(from information by Alison Bean and Brian Labza - Goodies-l - 19th April)
* Tim Brooke-Taylor appears as a panelist in tomorrow's (21st April) edition of "Beat the Kids", the BBC Radio 4 comedy panel game chaired by Graeme Garden. The show airs at 23:00 and can be heard on-line at www.bbc.co.uk/radio4.
As with other editions of "Beat the Kids", it should also be available for about a week after the broadcast from Radio 4's Listen Again service.
(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 20th April)
* Tim Brooke-Taylor appears in an old episode of "Trivia Test Match", a radio show to be aired on BBC7 on Friday 14th May at 12:00 and 19:00 (then again at 5:30 on Saturday 15th May). Here's a listing:
"Trivia quiz based on the rules of cricket. Willy Rushton and Tim Brooke-Taylor are joined by Stephen Fry and Rachel Heyhoe."
(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 3rd May)
ISIHAC & ISIRTA
'Clue' scoops Sony
Top radio award for festive special
The team behind I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue have won radio's top comedy accolade.
Their Christmas Day special, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Christmas Carol, was awarded the Comedy Award at the Sony Awards last night.
Humphrey Lyttleton, Barry Cryer, Graeme Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor, Stephen Fry, Andy Hamilton, Jeremy Hardy, Tom Hawks, Sandi Toksvig and Linda Smith all took part in the festive edition.
Making their decision, judges said it was "a stunning cast performing a blistering script - only really possible on radio.
"This show took a long established, very successful format to a higher level - an excellent blend of the regular format and zany style of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue with A Christmas Carol."
(David Piper-Balston - Goodies-l - 13th May)
From the BBC7 e-newsletter, 14th May:
On Wednesday it was the biggest and glitziest night of the year for the radio industry: the 2004 Sony Awards were held in the Grosvenor House Hotel, London. BBC Radio had a wonderful night, winning an impressive 21 Gold, 15 Silver and 22 Bronze Awards. We were particularly delighted that our "sister station" Radio 4 came away with the highly prized Station of the Year Award.
Digital Station of the Year was awarded to Primetime Radio so my congratulations go to them too. One of the most popular comedy series on BBC 7 and Radio 4 is I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, so fans of this consistently funny programme might be interested to know that the Clue team picked up a Gold in the Comedy category. I hope we can broadcast their winning entry at a later date. Ian Lavender (Private Pike, Dad's Army) presented the award, and on accepting it, Graeme Garden, in typical Clue style, announced "this award is the cherry in my coffee..."
(Alison Bean - Goodies-l - 14th May)
4. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY
(by Brett Allender)
Series 8, Episode 1
First screened: 14th January 1980
Graeme's new advertising agency merrily churns out its wares (and stomachs!), as Tim and Bill watch the commercial breaks on television, then turn off before the programs ruin the ads. Bill laments that Graeme has caught the disease of capitalist decadence while Tim sings the praises of Margaret Thatcher and her policies and they have a heated political discussion until the next commercial break is interrupted by an important newsflash.
The Prime Minister has discovered a splendid loophole in the government tax laws and has retired to the Bahamas, while the remaining government and opposition members have voted themselves a massive pay rise and have gone to join her, so Britain is without a government. Bill answers the phone and tells the frantic caller to "belt up, you old gasbag!" before he hands it over to Tim, who is shocked to find the Queen on the other end and to avoid being beheaded, he offers to find a new leader for the country.
Graeme is busily pinstriping his shirt (with a blue texta!) when Tim enters his agency dressed like Margaret Thatcher. Graeme initially thinks that Maggie has returned from abroad and tells 'her' that she should aim to be Empress of the World (as he sticks a Hitler moustache on the stunned and silent Tim) and insults her repeatedly, before he eventually realises that it's really Tim and that he wants to be the next Prime Minister. Tim's voice is quickly canned as being "too human!", so he adopts Maggie's cold tones and cringes at the thought of having to shake hands with grotty, scruffy common people like Bill, who conveniently enters Graeme's office at this point dressed as a suitably hideous Vanessa Redgrave (complete with beard and on stilts for the necessary extra height). He now represents The Workers Revolutionary Party (TWERP!) and wants Graeme to sell him to the nation as the new Prime Minister too.
Tim and Bill both provide a vision of their campaign policies, as Tim stands for nice people, shiny shoes, ties, smart tweeds, Union Jack waistcoats and lots of spanking - "You know it makes sense!", while Bill stands for workers rights, the abolition of all things posh, at least one film per year with Jane Fonda and the chance to turn down an Oscar. However their boring speeches send Graeme to sleep and he reminds them that campaigns have nothing to do with politics, but everything to do with image.
Bill retires from politics in disgust over this "cynical manipulation of marketing" and threatens to burn his stilts in protest. However half an hour later, he returns as the people's revolutionary Che (with a variety of punny surnames like 'Kit all about!'), only to be completely upstaged by Tim's graceful entry as the stunning Timita (or the "tin transvestite" as Bill derisively calls him!). The spectacularly entertaining campaign is on in earnest and it's soon time for 'Election Night Special' with host David Dimblemblm, who gradually demolishes a banquet on-camera as the Returning Officer (who is dressed as a fairy) delivers the remarkable news that William Che Oddie (Leftist Loony Party!) and Timita Brooke-Taylor (Timita Party) have dead-heated with one vote each, as the campaign has been so entertaining that nobody else has bothered to leave their tv sets and cast a vote, apart from the two candidates themselves.
The coalition government doesn't run smoothly however, so the joint Prime Ministers soon hassle Graeme, who comes up with the solution to televise parliament (and gets them to sign a contract using a joint quill.), then camps about as the host of a game show in which Tim and Bill have to find jobs for new immigrants, while Sale Of The Century (with a sickening close up of a photo of Nicholas Parsons for good measure) offers a showcase of guns and ammunition and the U.N. general assembly is turned into a giant game of Blankety Blanks. Tim's undignified response to the question of what the French President landed on when he fell off the Eiffel Tower causes a riot and mass walkout by U.N. members, and Europe is plunged into war - to be decided by a game of 'It's A Knockout' hosted by Eddie Waring (a babbling Graeme) and Stuart (a hideously cackling spring-loaded dummy).
Teams of politicians from Germany, France, Italy, Holland, Spain and Britain compete for the ultimate prize of the domination of Europe by carrying a large piece of cake through an obstacle course, with the winners being the first team to burst all of the balloons at the finish. Tim and Bill come to grief in the wine lake (but eventually drink it dry with large straws) and although they scale the butter mountain and drunkenly pop all of the balloons to the patriotic sounds of 'Land Of Hope And Glory', they find that everyone else has long finished. Britain receives just one point for finishing last, plus a special booby prize - the return of Margaret Thatcher on an aeroplane, to the hysterical chuckles of Stuart.
* Tim (about Margaret Thatcher): "She encourages the man with the small firm."
Bill (suspiciously): "Oh yes, the small, firm what?!"
* Graeme (to Tim, who is dressed like Margaret Thatcher): "Rule number one - never offend the client. Rule number two - never forget they're idiots. And rule number three - never let them know that you know. Know what I mean? Of course you don't, you're an idiot!"
* Tim: "I want you to do for me what you did for Margaret Thatcher."
Graeme (panicking): "How did you know about that?! Blasted News Of The World. You haven't told Dennis, have you?!"
* Tim: "Oh I see. So you think that if you combine the features of Heatley, Heath and Powell, you'd have a winner?"
Graeme: "Possibly, but only at Crufts!"
* Bill: "Hey, you ever heard of the Iron Maiden?" ... (looks at Tim) ... "The Tin Transvestite!"
* Timita: "But you know, it's high time people realised that there's nothing a man can do that a woman can't."
Graeme: "Except perhaps for one thing."
Timita: (in a deep male voice): "Not in my case!"
* Timita (consoling two common factory workers worried that she mightn't win the election):
"Don't cry for me Marge and Tina!"
* Graeme's opening two ads for his new advertising agency, with him firstly impersonating Willie Rushton and variously describing a candy bar as "crunchy", "chewy", "gritty", "soggy" and finally "disgusting" as he spews up in a rubbish bin in an ad for the 'Keep Britain Tidy' campaign and then a flasher showing his wares to a previously uncooperative female ticket officer who remarks "Oh, that'll do nicely" and credits his 'American Excess' card.
* Tim describing his photo montage of Margaret Thatcher's head on Jane Fonda's body as "just a harmless fantasy!" after he and Bill have been arguing bitterly over politics between commercial breaks and also his frenzied panic in hiding the photo before talking to the Queen on the telephone (after Bill has answered it and told her to "shut up, you old gasbag!")
* Graeme the ad man pinstriping his white shirt with the aid of a thick blue texta and then treating 'Margaret Thatcher' with utter contempt, putting a Hitler moustache on her, calling her an idiot and telling her that she's no different to a box of washing powder as she sits there expressionless before he finally realises that it's just Tim dressed like Maggie (by looking under the table, presumably at Tim's knobbly knees! ;) )
* Scenes from the respective campaign speeches, including Tim promising that the nice people can hold a workers cull (with Bill being clubbed like a seal pup), invoking the death penalty for people who walk behind the bowlers arm at Lords (as Bill detonates in a huge explosion for doing just that) and abolishing the National Health Service (with Bill shown sawing his leg off, stuffing it into a bin and then promptly fainting!) while Bill runs on a platform of selling the Queen to Disneyland (as a crate is shipped off with a hand regally waving from it), abolishing all things posh (like Tim facing a firing squad for wearing a tie) and making at least one film per year with Jane Fonda!
* Several cameos like Tim's stunning entrance as Timita (prompting Bill to call him "Miss Piggy" which earns him a 'hy yah!' with Tim's handbag for good measure), the "tin transvestite" and "Don't cry for me Marge and Tina" lines, David Dimblemblm turning 'Election Night Special' into a stylish banquet for one and then converting his desk into a foldout bed, complete with lamp, clock and teddy bear when it looks as though the recounts will go on all night, Graeme's lengthy impersonation of Eddie Waring (though perhaps not his funniest takeoff, as you can actually understand what he is saying!!) and a purple-faced, 'pissed-as-a-newt' Timita having a real struggle popping balloons, only to find that everyone else except Eddie has gone home ages ago.
David Dimbleby, Corbet Woodall, Jo Kendall, Nicholas McArdle, Rosemary Faith, Penny Irving, Maria Eldridge, Joan Blackham
Keep Britain Tidy
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
Memorable for Tim's scary resemblance to Margaret Thatcher and unforgettable for his appallingly punny line of "Don't cry for me Marge and Tina", political campaigning Goodies-style is certainly far more interesting and entertaining than anything that our real politicians have dished up to us in recent times.
III Goody Goody Yum Yum
BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
June Episode Summary –
Saturday Night Grease
5. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #29
(by Linda Kay)
21st July, 1973 No. 52
The name "The Goodies" implies, as Tim says in episode one of the television series, that their goal is "To do good to people" (regardless of how wet Bill may think that concept is). But in the course of the show there were times when the trio (or more accurately one out of the three) would find themselves on the wrong side of the law (if not legally at least ethically ... let's face it, trying to take over the world is NOT a nice thing!). The Goodies remained good in the Cor!! comics for the most part, except when they *accidentally* find themselves breaking the law, as in the comic we'll be reviewing this month.
Header: THE GOODIES TUNNELLED INTO A BANK - STERLING WORK!
We find The Goodies slumping around their office. Bill is stretched back in a cobweb-covered chair, yawning, while Tim is perusing a Cor!! Annual without much enthusiasm. Only Graeme is busy at work on a strange contraption which looks like a giant drill with three seats.
BILL: I'm *bored!* Yawn!
GRAEME: You'll be even more bored soon ... we're about to try out my *boring machine!*
Two huge thugs burst into the office (one of them smashes Bill against the wall with his girth) and a third, shorter but sinister looking man enters between them.
HEAD THUG: I gotta problem for you guys ... my friends and I are *escapologists!*
BUGSY: Yeah! We *escape* from t'ings!
HEAD THUG: Shuddup, Bugsy! Right now our friend is lying trussed up in the Cortown Bank vault ... and he *can't get out!*
The two thugs muscle to get through the front door at the same time, their boss scrunched between them.
HEAD THUG: We made a bet that he could escape in one hour ... but the door jammed and he's stuck ... it's up to *you* to get him out!
GRAEME: Leave it to us!
The Goodies head to the Cortown Bank on their trandem, towing the drilling machine behind them on a wagon.
GRAEME: This is just the job for my boring machine!
Once they've reached the bank, the Goodies take their seats in the machine and Graeme starts it up. Hydraulics lift it up so that it bores straight down into the cement. A nearby policeman remains oblivious to the drilling going on right behind him.
GRAEME: According to my plans, this is the spot where we should drill!
The machine drills into the ground and makes some odd turns, actually cutting through an Underground tunnel for a moment, before coming up in the bank's vault.
GRAEME: This must be the place!
The machine stops inside the vault and the Goodies disembark, looking around to see no one.
GRAEME: Hey! There's nobody here! Their mate must have escaped by himself!
Graeme pulls out a handkerchief and cries while Bill pats his shoulder. Tim turns to see the thugs coming up through the tunnel their boring machine has made. The head thug is brandishing a gun toward them.
GRAEME: WAAAAH! All that effort for nothing!
BILL: Cheer up! It wasn't our "vault"! Tee, hee!
HEAD THUG: Okay, wise guys ... stick 'em up!
The thugs tie the Goodies with rope and proceed to rob the bank vault.
HEAD THUG: Truss 'em up while I snaffle the loot! Heh, heh!
TIM: We've been *bamboozled* into helping some *bank robbers!*
The thugs jump into the boring machine and take off back through the tunnel.
HEAD THUG: Yep! And now we make our escape! So long, suckers!
The Goodies sit helpless, their arms and feet tied. However we see a small mouse is in Graeme's pocket.
BILL: This is a fine fix ... if we're found like this folks will think the *Goodies* are *baddies*!
GRAEME: Don't worry ... help is at hand! Come on, Jumbo ... do your stuff!
Jumbo the mouse starts to nibble through Graeme's ropes. Bill, thinking Graeme is talking to him, is trying to chew through his own ropes.
GRAEME: Right, Jumbo ... *chew* through the ropes!
BILL: I'm trying ... but I can't reach!
GRAEME: Not you, you fool ... *my pet mouse*!
Free of the ropes (well, mostly free ... Bill is still pretty tangled up), the Goodies run to the tunnel to make their escape.
TIM: Come on ... let's get out of here!
MEANWHILE ... THE CROOKS WERE ESCAPING IN THE BORING MACHINE ... OR SO THEY THOUGHT!
The boring machine is making its way underground, but the thugs have no idea they're coming up through the street just as the Cortown Constables are driving by in their paddy wagon.
POLICE OFFICER: Step on it, Bert ... there's been a raid on Cortown Bank!
THUG #2: Dis t'ing don't steer so good!
The boring machine comes up through the bottom of the paddy wagon, delivering the crooks right into the hands of the police.
POLICE OFFICER: Erk ... *Bert*! We've nabbed the robbers without even tryin'!
HEAD THUG: Drat! This rotten uncontrollable Goodies machine has got us *pinched*!
POLICE OFFICER: The Goodies, eh? They'll be getting a *reward* for this!
But the Goodies still think they're wanted by the police for aiding in the bank robbery, and a big sign on a wall which reads "POLICE SEEK GOODIES - BIG REWARD OFFERED" doesn't make them feel any better. They're stealing down the street in disguise, Bill dressed as a German military officer, Tim as a French Foreign Legion member and Graeme as a Spanish matador.
BILL: Ooer ... look! Someone must have spotted us in the bank vaults before we escaped! We're wanted men!
TIM: We'll have to keep these inconspicuous disguises on till the fuss dies down.
GRAEME: You can "bank" on that! Things never turn out right for us!
Sign-Off Line: Our T.V. Chuckle Champs Return Next Week, Chums!
Additional material from this issue:
The Goodies were one of the answers on the puzzle page in a Circular Motion puzzle in which readers were instructed to take every second letter in a circle of letters to spell out the names of four Cor!! stories.
RATING (using the BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM):
IIII - Officially amazing.
Now this is more like it! A very entertaining and well-drawn comic with lots of little jokes in the background, a fun plot and an ironic ending. While the dialogue and action is oddly Graeme-heavy, the action moves right along and the art is superb.
There are simply tons of little jokes in the margins of this one, starting with panel one and Graeme's blueprints for his boring machine on the wall. The plans include a "sherbert inductor feedback" valve and an arrow indicates where the British Troops are to sit. A key in the back is called the "Clockwork Transducer." The bottom of the plans are even more confusing, saying it is a "detail of left hand multipura soggermakers solids state whatsit."
The thugs barging into the office are very animated and when they leave we see that not only did they press Bill into the wall, but Bill's face imprint is pressed into the back of the thug's coat! A man peers out of his window as the Goodies pass on their trandem with the boring machine in tow. A very large battleship is chained to a parking meter outside of the bank where the policeman is being so oblivious. And the detail in the drawing where the Goodies are riding the boring machine underground is a splendid multi-level study, showing the policeman still standing outside the bank, a little old lady with a moth-filled wallet (and yet some dollars float around her) standing in the front of the bank with an old-fashioned bookkeeper, while underground we see such things as a dinosaur skeleton, an odd bone and a tin can, an un-detonated megaton bomb, a startled conductor and passenger in the Underground station, and a convict slowly picking his way to freedom.
Once inside the bank vault we see it holds not only money but prime beef and cup final tickets (not to mention a piggy bank). The thieves are prepared enough to have brought a large bag with the word "loot" on it for their take. As the crooks make their escape in the boring machine we get to see another underground shot which reveals a large python wriggling up out of the sewer system near an unsuspecting bystander. A parking meter also seems to have sprouted roots.
Inside the paddy wagon, a police dog cowers behind an officer as the boring machine comes up through the floor, but his doggy dish of food is left unscathed. And finally on the "wanted" poster in the last panel the "latest identimug pictures" of the Goodies are all of the same non-descriptive face.
This is a very fun installment in the Goodies Cor!! comics and definitely a big improvement from the week before.
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6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
(a) Bill Oddie
(b) Rod Stewart, who is trying to get into Bill's disco
(c) Saturday Night Grease
(d) 55 AD
(e) Because of the conquering Romans and their garlic breath!
(f) "About a quarter to three?"
(g) The sheep
(h) The Vandals, led by Attilla The Hun
8 Goodies fan supreme
7 Mastermind of the year
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0 Rolf Harris!
NEXT C&G EDITION: #103: 12th June 2004.
The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2004. All rights reserved.
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