The Official Goodies Rule - OK! Fan Club Website

PLOT

Tim indulges in some rather off-key singing while he packs his bags in preparation for a visit to Wales, as the Goodies have been invited to perform at an eisteddfod. Bill enters the room as Tim is packing and claims that he has just been to an eisteddfod next door ("I went for a cup of tea and eisteddfod dinner!"), to which Tim huffily responds "Why do I bother, you uneducated little peasant?!" Tim finds that the umbrella that he is packing comes in handy to absorb the spittle as Bill tries to pronounce the name of the small Welsh isle that they will be visiting (Llan-dlubber … or in Bill's words "Thhhlan-thhhlubber"!) while Graeme tells them that it's supposedly "the last outpost of genuine Welsh culture."

The Goodies have been invited by the local preacher Reverend Llewellyn, and Graeme reads out the Reverend's letter (which contains references to "Max Bygraves", "Rolf Harris", "get stuffed", "unfortunate incident last year", "wallaby stew", "all over the carpet" and "indecent exposure" amid a stream of Welsh gibberish) before he admits that he has "no idea" what it all means. Graeme has programmed his computer to produce their entry for the eisteddfod and after a quick practice of their 3-part folk song (which Tim quickly cans as "What a load of rubbish!"), the Goodies head off on the trandem for a fun trip to Wales.

As the Goodies ride into Wales (which has a "Closed" sign at the border and an advisory sign to "Please Drive Caerphilly"), they find roadside signs that advise them of no dancing, singing, drinking or girls … and "no chance" either! The trandem overheats its radiator as it climbs up the many hills, and Bill gets a bucket of water flung in his face when he calls at an inn for help. A lengthy train ride and a paddle in a rowboat gets the Goodies out to Llan dlubber (where the coastguard throws a rope out to them, but then pulls hard on it and drags them all into the water) and they are soaking wet when they enter the Reverend's church with a thunderstorm raging outside.

Bill is all set to sample some the multitude of bottles in the dusty-looking bar, but is disgusted to find that they are all empty ("What a rotten pub!"). The Reverend Llewellyn enters the room (holding a candle and singing a hymn) and introduces himself as "a vicar of the Church of Seventh Day Repressionists". The Goodies soon find out that the Vicar's people are a "dying race", as they shun all forms of "sinful wickedness" such as booze, sex, tea, sandwiches and even lavatories; the latter much to Bill's annoyance. Even the upcoming eisteddfod will provide little enjoyment (with the term derived from the old Welsh words "eistedd" (bored) and "fod" (stiff)!), as the Reverend prepares for the "grand opening of the Llan dlubber International Festival Of Gloom!" (although he thoughtfully advises his guests to "take a nice cold shower and a brisk rubdown with a Brillo pad" before bedtime!)

At the eisteddfod, the sparse audience of traditionally-dressed Welsh folk either munch away on their leeks or fall asleep during a lengthy performance by a boring, frumpy-looking old folk singer. The Goodies are next on stage and decide to show the locals all of the fun that they are missing out on from such a puritanical lifestyle and put on a rousing performance of fan dancers, magicians, punk rock singers and plenty of bare flesh (plus a little bit of way-hey-hey for good measure!) However this lands them in deep trouble with the Reverend and his council of Druids, as the "prisoners at the bar" (with the Goodies standing among the Reverend's dusty wine bottles) are accused of having "crept slyly among us with silver-tongued promised of tedium, monotony and utter boredom and then these vipers turned and revealed their true colours." The Goodies are charged with having "set about to entertain us!" (to a shocked chorus of "No!" from the Druids) and are tied up and led away to the Druid's Stone while being whipped along the way (seemingly much to Tim's enjoyment!)

The Goodies are condemned to having their heads chopped off for their sins and when Bill says that the Druids will "regret it", the Reverend replies "And what a slap-up repentance we'll have!" The Reverend firstly reveals though that the Druids really worship rugby (as an inscripted stone panel rotates to reveal a golden rugby trophy), and that the enjoyment of sins such as booze and women are not allowed because "you can't play rugby with debauched bodies now, can you?" A final hymn is sung by the Druids before their sacrifice of the Goodies about "playing touch" with a "coalman's daughter", but the Reverend stops in horror when he realises that the Goodies also know the words to it. Canny Graeme quickly starts speaking with a Welsh accent (claiming that he "used to work on the same pit as Tom Jones (and) Harry Secombe" and answering an offer of "Have a leek boyo" with a chuckle of "No thanks, I've just been!") while Bill cottons on as well ("I'll have you know, Shirley Bassey was my Granny!") and the Reverend can no longer execute them as they have proved that they are fellow Welshmen. The Reverend's subsequent invitation for them to join the Druids ("You get a free white nightie every week …!") is politely refused because the Goodies are "strictly Church Of England", (to a riposte of "What?! That poncy lot!" from the Reverend), so an ecclesiastical Seven-a-sides rugby tournament is arranged to determine which religion is the best.

After various knockout matches between sixteen different religions (including Greek Orthodox, the Festival of Light and a team of Derek Nimmos; with the Goodies acting as referees), the Welsh Druids thrash the Catholics 159-0 in the final. The commentator intones afterwards that "these humble, devout, deeply religious people … are probably even now … engaged in some reverent mystical ceremony", but when the Goodies enter the Druids' dressing room they encounter a wild, beer-throwing, crude song-singing celebration. The Reverend (complete with jockstrap on his head!) leads the charge (spruiking "The finest religion in the world, in'it?!") and is annoyed when Graeme says that he "doesn't find the atmosphere in this room particularly holy" (protesting "Not holy?! Not holy?!!" and pouring a pot of beer into the front of Graeme's pants while the Druids pour beer over the rest of him!) However Tim discovers that the Druids have cheated by including half of the Welsh international team in their line-up, and he tests out their religious knowledge (with a couple of tough biblical questions which only draw blank looks from the players) before he blows his referee's whistle and disqualifies the whole team.

The incensed Reverend shrieks "Disqualified?! What do you say to that, boyos?!" and the Welsh team take to the field again using Tim and Bill as the ball; as they firstly toss Tim around in a series of running passes before they slam him head-first over the try line, then kick a bunched-up Bill between the posts for a conversion (where he lands in a screaming mess on top of Graeme!) Bill then grabs the ball and runs out of the stadium with the scrum of Welsh players following him, though he shakes them off temporarily with the help of a brick wall, which the scrum crashes into head-first. The Welsh team continue to pursue the Goodies through the streets and back onto the rugby pitch until Graeme's remarkable line-marking machine finally disposes of them down a trap door. Bill and Tim re-emerge from a manhole (that Graeme has also drawn with the line machine) and score a very easy winning try and conversion with no opposition. Back at the office on the next Sunday, Bill is dressed as an Archbishop ready to play in the big Sunday League game against Harlequins, but Graeme and Tim are content to go to the traditional service at St. Pauls (yelling "He's the almighty!" and whirring their noisy bullroarers around in true rugby style!)

CLASSIC QUOTES

* Tim (regarding the 3-part folk song): "What a load of rubbish!"

Bill (dismissively): "Good enough for the Taffy Druids, isn't it?!"

Tim (displeased): "Bill! That's enough of that sort of talk. The Welsh are very sensitive people. If you upset them … they break your fingers!"

* Reverend Llewellyn (after Bill has told him that there is no booze left at the Reverend's decrepit bar):

"Booze?! So it's booze you're wanting, is it?!" … "Well you'll get none of the devil's brew here."

Tim: "Excuse me, any chance of a nice hot cup of tea?"

Reverend Llewellyn (getting annoyed) : "Ah, so it's tea now, is it? Tea is a foul potion of the orient, a stimulator of the flesh, an inflamer of the senses …

Bill (disgusted): "God blimey, I bet nobody ever comes in this place, do they?"

Reverend Llewellyn: "Certainly not. Oh we're righteous people, right enough. You'll catch none of us committing one of the 9764 deadly sins! Regrettably though we are a dying race. There is not many of us left."

Graeme: (chuckles) "Pretty low birthrate, I should think."

Reverend Llewellyn (horrified): Birthrate?! You mean babies?! We have none of that sinful wickedness here!"

Tim (innocently): "Do you have sandwiches?"

Reverend Llewellyn (agitated): "Sandwiches?! You mean food?! We allow no voluptuous indulgences of the carnal appetites. Where does eating get you, eh? You'll be wanting lavatories next!"

Bill (indignantly): "Oi, don't tell me you haven't got any lavatories!"

Reverend Llewellyn (still agitated): "Temples of Beelzebub! The open door to hellfire and brimstone! The hot seat!"

Bill (bluntly): "No wonder you're a dying race. I suspect you're all dying for a ...!"

Tim (hastily): "Shh Bill!!

* Reverend: "Enjoyment?! There is no enjoyment at eisteddfod! Eisteddfod is an old Welsh word … from the old Welsh. 'Eistedd' meaning 'bored' and 'fod' meaning 'stiff'!"

* Reverend: "Contestants will be judged by a jury of Druids and the winner will be pronounced bard"

Bill (appalled): "Bard?! ... I should think he'd be ruddy awful!"

* Bill (defending the Goodies' antics at the eisteddfod ): "Oh, come on, we were only trying to make you laugh!"

Reverend (aghast): "Haa!! Condemned out of their very mouths!"

Bill (indignantly): "And what is wrong with a good laugh?"

Reverend: "Because laughter is an abomination. (motions towards Druids council) You see any of us laughing, do you? Ask him … that man over there, the undertaker, Dai the Death. Or him, the bank manager, Owen the Money. Or my lodger upstairs, him, Evan's Above. You see any of them laugh, no?! Why not? … they've got funny names!"

* Tim (trying to prove his Welshness to the Druids): "I come from Abergavenny. And him ..."

Bill: "Aberbanana! And him ..."

Graeme (singing, with silly hand gestures): "Aber dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba … said the monkey to the chimp ...!"

* (the Welsh rugby team are singing a song about "four and twenty virgins")

Bill (horrified): "Please, please, please ... (covers Tim's ears) ... that song! ... Honestly ... it's not holy!"

Reverend (indignantly): "Not holy! It's about flippin' virgins, isn't it? You can't get much holier than that!"

CLASSIC SCENES

* Two excellent sight gags involving the Welsh ladies' traditional tall black hats; with the Goodies firstly stopping to photograph two ladies who are sitting at a spinning wheel and wearing traditional costumes (including the hats). Smoke starts to billow from the hats as Graeme tries to take a photo with his camera, then the ladies walk away to reveal two chimney stacks in the distance directly behind where they were sitting. Also when the dowdy, boring local singer is performing at the eisteddfod, a lady in traditional costume sits in the front row, only for a Druid sitting right behind her (despite a heap of other empty seats around him) to politely tap her on the shoulder and ask her to remove her tall black hat, which she does. Within a few seconds of watching the frumpy old folk singer in action, the Druid again taps the lady on the shoulder and asks her to put her hat back on again!

* The Goodies boarding a train at the station with the longest name in Wales ('Llanfair ...etc) visible on a sign in the background. The train travels to the end of the sign (.. .gogogoch'.), then stops, with the passengers all disembarking after their long journey.

* The Goodies' initial meeting with Reverend Llewellyn in which he condemns everything that sounds remotely enjoyable, including beer ("the devil's brew"), tea ("foul potion of the orient, stimulator of the flesh and inflamer of the senses"), having babies ("sinful wickedness"), food ("voluptuous indulgence of the carnal appetites") and lavatories ("temples of Beelzebub") while claiming that "you'll catch none of (his people) committing one of the 9764 deadly sins!"

* Livening up the eisteddfod somewhat, including Tim doing a manic tapdance before losing his trousers when cowboy Bill cracks a whip, a topless Bill leading a rocking punk version of 'We'll Keep A Welcome In The Hillside', Graeme as a weird warlock turning Bill into a sexy fan dancer who in turn morphs into an embarrassed Tim clad only in yellow undies, Bill in a trenchcoat bursting the balloons on the scantily-clad assistant (before accidentally popping her with his cigar while trying to decide which of her last three modesty-protecting balloons to burst!) then becoming a flasher until Graeme zaps him again, and finally the curtain dropping down on the Goodies and their lovely assistant who is initially disrobed (covering her breasts with her arms as Graeme sneakily lobs her maid's dress over to Bill, who tries to hide it in his trenchcoat!) and is soon screaming in terror as there is much clamouring about underneath the fallen curtains! All of this fails to impress the locals however, who continue chewing stoically on their leeks throughout the performance.

* Some of the scenes from the ecclesiastical rugby tournament, including the Church Of England archbishops streaming down the field in their colourful flowing robes and Mary Whitehouse playing as a hooker for the Festival of Light and waddling the length of the field for a try, with no-one game enough to tackle her. Lord Longford then runs in to congratulate her and gets his face slapped for his trouble, with Mary's rough tackle and subsequent stomping on Brother Ignatius causing him to "break his vow of silence" and mouth what looks very much like "You f...ing old bitch!" in her direction!

* Bill pushing a fisherman off a rather tall bridge in his haste to get away from the pursuing Welsh rugby players.

GUEST STARS

Jon Pertwee, Marcelle Samett, Alun Williams, The Fred Tomlinson Singers

GOODIES SONGS

We'll Keep A Welcome In The Hillside

Play The Game

MY 2 CENTS WORTH

A very funny sendup of the Goodies not-so-fun-loving Welsh neighbours, with plenty of interesting visual material and a stack of great quotes, especially from Jon Pertwee in his brilliant guest role as Reverend Llewellyn. The various rugby scenes might go on for a bit long, but are still amusing enough to retain viewer interest.

BLACK PUDDING RATING