» #31 Jun 1998
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
Issue No. 31 12th June 1998
1. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.
2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY #6 - by Brett Allender.
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW - by Brett Allender and Alison Bean.
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ - More brain teasers from David McAnally.
1. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for
bob-a-job week. Mail email@example.com with your comments, ideas or
ONE MAN'S IMPRESSION OF THE MELBOURNE GOODIES VIDEO NIGHT
by Brett Allender, firstname.lastname@example.org.
I mightn't be the best person to give you a report on it, as I was stoned out of my skull on lemon Lift for most of the night (not to mention my near fatal OD on the heady combination of Cadbury's chocolate and Smith's Crisps!), but here goes anyway. All names have been unchanged to expose the guilty, although the flat feet fuzz didn't bother us at all once Nick answered the doorbell and did the blue beat boogie with them to "Rock With A Policeman" early in the evening!
Folks from the club to (dis)grace Nick's lounge room for this Trendsetters Ball included yours truly (what a silly name!), Nick McCarthy (bleedingly obvious, seeing as it was at his house!), the lovely Alison Bean all the way over from Adelaide as promised (see, that wasn't just a gimmick to trick people into coming after all!), David Dyte (who bravely shared a sofa with me and my monstrous "turps for burps") and Mark Longmuir (who even more bravely shared a sofa with my X-Files crazed little sister, who was there (a) as a Goodies fan and (b) to report back to our mother on what a complete and utter loony I am - as if the old girl hadn't figured THAT one out about 32 years ago!). There were also several other folks from the Clarion & Globe mailing list and their friends, plus a couple of complete strangers (not as strange as me though!) that Nick's Labrador bailed up as they walked past along the footpath just to swell numbers a bit!
Apologies to any other folks that I've missed - you might prefer to pretend that you were never sighted there among such a depraved bunch of basket cases anyway! Oh, and Eddie Waring also made a surprise appearance about half way through the night - a real surprise because the lack of an introduction and the absence of an interpreter present meant that nobody had the slightest ruddy clue who the hell he was anyway!! But he'll back for the next video night and that's a promise!
Goodies episodes wholeheartedly enjoyed on the night included: Kung Fu Kapers, It Might As Well Be String, Saturday Night Grease, Rock Goodies and Wacky Wales. After that we got our first look at the game show recently screened in Britain (generously sent to Alison by David Balston - thanks David, you're a legend!) called If I Rule The World (IIRTW), which stars Graeme each week and Tim, who made a guest appearance. I won't go into all the details of the show as these have been well documented by David and others in recent Clarion & Globes, but IIRTW provided us with the heartiest laughs of the evening as it is the perfect forum for Graeme's brilliant quick-fire "play on words" humour and he is undoubtedly the star of the show each time, even if his team seemed to lose on most occasions.
Again a big thank you to Nick for keeping us well plied with munchies and drinks, and to everyone else who came for supporting the night and adding to the high class ambience. I can't tell any tales about who played up, just in case they cut off something vital (like my Clarion & Globe subscription!). As for anything notable occurrences after the video night, anything which may or may not have taken place involving ten doctors, a bottle of Vibena blackcurrant juice, a tub full of Heenz Meenz String, a loaf of Sunblest bread and one "nissed as a pewt on Lift" loony scientist is strictly between me and my psychiatrist (and the elephants!)
ONE WOMAN'S IMPRESSION OF THE MELBOURNE GOODIES VIDEO NIGHT
by Alison Bean, email@example.com.
It takes eight hours to drive from Adelaide to Melbourne and as one drives further east along the seemingly never-ending Western Highway one notices several things. The tap water becomes drinkable, people actually have jobs, traffic jams last longer than 10 minutes and Goodies fans become loonier.
I knew all this of course, because I have been to Melbourne many a time, but even so, I was somewhat bemused to arrive at Nick's house in Vermont (apparently just around the corner from Pin Oak Court AKA Ramsey Street) and find Brett Allender channelling the spirits of Eddie Waring and Lady Constance DeCovelet, whilst his sister, Kristen, neatly arranged Caramello Koalas in bowls of chicken crisps.
Just as I was about to call the Funny Farm and have them all locked up, Nick pulled a master stroke and offered me a Fosters. "I'll call them later" I thought "Even though the lager isn't in a tube and Bill isn't reading me Richie Benaud's autobiography".
And so I stuck around and I'm glad I did. Along with the 14 others who crammed into Nick's living room and I got to spend the evening enjoying the cream of The Goodies crop, some episodes of the brilliantly funny If I Ruled The World and the rest of the six pack of Fosters.
So in conclusion, it was a top night and when I eventually collapsed into my hotel bed at 3.15am I was in good spirits (despite sticking to beer all night) AND despite the fact that I knew that the rest of the weekend would consist of boring family reunions.
Nick did a wonderful job organising the night and I highly recommend any future Melbourne video nights. If nothing else, you will get to see just how alike Nick's hair is to that of the main character in Welcome Back, Kotter.
This month I got many more e-mails from Goodies t-shirt seeking fans. Unfortunately, I have to report that the t-shirt design is progressing slowly. Tracey, firstname.lastname@example.org, who is working on the design with a friend, is having trouble finding a clear picture of The Goodies on the trandem. Offers of help to Tracey at the above address.
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen a Goodie recently, e-mail email@example.com with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
MY SUMMER WITH DES
by David Balston, firstname.lastname@example.org
Graeme Garden played the role of Angus in the comedy play 'My Summer With Des' broadcast on Monday 25th May at 9pm on BBC1. The Des referred to is Desmond Lynam, a BBC sports presenter who makes an appearance as himself.
The programme was set at the time of the Euro 1996 (European football championships) and featured Neil Morrissey (Men Behaving Badly) as Martin who looks back at the championships and his encounter with a mysterious girl.
by Keith Topping. email@example.com
Graeme was MAGNIFICENT in 'My Summer With Des', playing a total *bastard*! A really excellent comedy film that - very funny and also very touching. Des Lynam *is* God... I mean, with that premise, it couldn't go wrong. And it had Neil Morrisey, Arabella Weir (The Fast Show) and loads of football in it. HEAVEN!
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE
The recent series of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue has now finished. Sandi Toksvig was the final guest to appear. Her episodes were recorded at the Kings Theatre in Southsea and aired on 25th May and 1st June.
Meanwhile a 4th double cassette of I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue has been released by the BBC Radio Collection. It is available from the usual retailers in the UK for 8 pounds and 99 pence.
BIRDING WITH BILL ODDIE
The second series of Birding With Bill Oddie has now finished its run on BBC 2. For more information about the series you can visit the website at http://www.bbc.co.uk/education/birding/. There is even a Question and Answer section in which Bill answers viewers e-mail questions. This was obviously a very popular part of the website as it appears to have been discontinued.
And speaking of birding and Bill Oddie, Bill's latest book, a beginner's field guide entitled "Bill Oddie's Birds Of Britain and Ireland", is now available for 12 pounds and 99 pence. An article appeared in Saga magazine to promote the book and you can read this online by heading to http://www.saga.co.uk/publishing/specials/oddie.html (and the club even gets a mention, which is nice).
UK ARENA GOODIES WEEK
by Andy Williamson, firstname.lastname@example.org and Alison Bean, with David Balston's biro.
British cable TV channel UK Arena have just started screening Goodies various episodes from series 3 and 4. The screenings of The Goodies was originally to have included a documentary entitled You've Never Had It So Goodies, but this appears to have been dropped from the schedule. Shame.
The first three Goodies programmes to be shown on UK Arena were The New Office (#22), Winter Olympics (#24), and The Race (#35). The episodes were cut to 26 minutes each to allow for adverts - a little better than the UK Gold showings of 1992-94 which were 24-25 minutes long (Matthew K. Sharp's Goodies Episode Guide at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/4705/toc.html states that the original BBC episodes ran for between 27 and 31 minutes).
The rest of The Goodies on UK Arena schedule is below, though this schedule has changed several times, so this maybe be incorrect.
Friday June 12
9.00pm Hunting Pink
Saturday June 13
9.00pm Episode unknown
Sunday June 14
9.00pm For Those In Peril On The Sea
Monday June 15
9.00pm Way Outward Bound
Tuesday June 16
Wednesday June 17
9.00pm Invasion of the Moon Creatures
Friday June 19
9.00pm Hospital For Hire
Monday June 22
9.00pm Episode unknown
Wednesday June 24
9.00pm Goodies In The Nick
This classic cartoon series featuring the voices of Tim, Bill and Graeme is currently screening on Wednesdays and Fridays on BBC 2 at 1.05pm.
TUBBY AND FRIENDS
Bill will be narrating the Children's Concert - Tubby and Friends, on 21st June from 11 am at Polesden Lacey, Dorking, Surrey RH5 6BD. This is part of the National Trust spring outdoor concert series.
Tickets range from 5 pounds to 8 pounds. Call the Southern Region Box Office on 01372 451596 for further details and bookings.
DENNIS THE MENACE
Tim and the late Willie Rushton are amongst a cast of well known comedians and actors who have provided voices for Dennis The Menace, which either has been or will be seen on TCC 24 Seven, a British children's cable channel.
BILL ODDIE - MAN OF THE TREES
Bill gave the closing speech at the 2nd Jersey Environment Week, which ran from 18th-23rd May. He was the special guest of the Woodland Tree Experience, whoever they might be.
by David Balston, email@example.com with Alison Bean's biro.
* Bill Oddie's episode of 'Shooting Stars' got another airing on Saturday 9th May courtesy of UK Gold.
* The Granada Plus daily weekday showings of 'Me and My Girl' with Tim concluded on Tuesday 19th May.
* The Married With Children England Shows, which guest starred Bill Oddie as Winston and Mark Addy (The Thin Blue Line, The Full Monty) as The Executioner, were re-run by Sky 1 on May 27th, 28th and 29th.
* Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, featuring Tim Brooke-Taylor in the Graeme-esque role of the computer scientist, was re-run by Channel 9 (Australia, not The Fast Show) on 5th June.
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY no 6
For those of you unacquainted with Goodies-L, Brett Allender, firstname.lastname@example.org had been regularly posting to the list, summaries and reviews of each Goodies episode. And we thought they were so good that we decided to publish one each month. Here's this month's:
(Series 1, Episode 6)
First transmitted 5th December 1970
The Goodies scan the 'help wanted' sections of the newspapers in desperation for work, but Tim refuses to take any jobs as caretakers or helping mothers. Bill suggests that they contact three men who do "anything, anytime" for help, but Tim scornfully points out that it's their own ad! They agree to take on the next job offer that comes along and it just happens to be a position for mother's help and caretaking! The job is for one day only and a female nanny is essential (which therefore launches Tim into the first of his many gender-bender roles!)
Graeme and Bill dress as domestic servants and with nanny Tim looking suitably frumpy, they set off on the trandem to a massive old house. The kooky elderly couple have been called away on urgent business and want the Goodies to look after their young niece Cecily, who lives with them but "may be leaving us very soon". Before they wake Cecily, there are numerous other domestic chores for the Goodies to complete. Tim cops the housework, Bill attempts to cook a pie with the help of an extendable rolling pin and a turntable as a mixer (but makes a nifty piece of pottery instead), while Graeme takes the soft option of weeding the garden, but finds that it is a jungle complete with giraffes, zebras, primitive tribesmen and lovers in the long grass for good measure!
Upon waking Cecily, she tells them that her real nanny is locked in the cellar and a hair-raising trip down the stairs reveals a skeleton in the rocking chair, which totally freaks Tim out. Cecily reveals that twelve nannies have been done away with, as her uncle and aunt are trying to scare her to death so that they can collect her inheritance. Supernanny Tim vows to protect her and takes her outside to play and saves her from obstacles such as leopards, pitfalls, gun-toting neighbours and a badly-placed river!
The house gets even creepier at night, as eyes light up in portraits, dogs and ghosts howl, doors swing open to reveal nanny skeletons and a head on a plate and a clock signals midnight by a pair of hands striking a gong, but the Goodies are too blissfully engrossed in their card game (Happy Families!) to notice. Loud screaming and howling forces them to investigate, but they merely scare the pants off each other rather than finding out who is really responsible for the terror.
The rooster crowing (and subsequently being shot!) signals morning and the Goodies are desperate to get Cecily safely out of the madhouse, but her uncle and aunt return early. The Goodies arrange to meet her in the summer house and send her away with some belongings, but the uncle and aunt come looking for her and admonishes them for letting her go, as she is a "strange girl". In a bizarre twist, Cecily then blows up the summer house with everyone still in it and then does likewise to the main haunted house, as the bedraggled Goodies get the hell out of there fast!
* Graeme (reading the "help wanted" section): "Three men wanted to share houseboat with three raving Dolly models. Interested swingers ring 7..."
Tim (horrified): "That is NOT what we're after!"
Graeme (reaching for phone): "You speak for yourself!"
* Tim (as Nanny flirting on the phone): "I look forward to the pleasure ... but I doubt I'll get it!"
* Graeme going mad in the garden - thumping weeds with a mallet, acting the loony sorcerer, spraying rabbit statues with fertilizer causing a population explosion, catching Bill's omelette with his face, flying backwards off the mower before riding it into the house and growing a giant creeper which attacks Tim in the kitchen.
* Tim (as the nanny) running with a kite and taking a flying leap into the river - a memorable scene which frequently bobs up in the opening credits for most future episodes.
* Tim and Graeme frightening hell out of each other while investigating the strange goings-on in the house and Bill fainting after being molested by a giant spider, then screaming his lungs out, scaring Tim and Graeme even more and causing the 'hands' inside the cuckoo clock to rub together with glee
* Cecily blowing up the summer house with the Goodies and her aunt and uncle inside it, then finishing the job by exploding the haunted house to smithereens.
Ann Way, Robert Bernal, Jill Riddick, Lena Ellis
Needed, Are You Coming Out To Play
Bob Murray's Supermatic Camera, Razz 2 for 1 Swap
(Note: The entire Supermatic camera ad has been deleted from the ABC version)
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
An interestingly spooky sendup of the 'haunted house' theme with some nice visual effects and an unexpected twist at the end.
III Goody goody yum yum
BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM
IIII Officially amazing
III Goody goody yum yum
II Fair-y punkmother
I Tripe on t' pikelets
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.
Mrs Oh-Deary Fartsnoise and Nicholarse Fartsounds went to the bog to let off steam after critics had got wind of their review last month of "Blowing Off" and panned it as a right stinker. However their expert anal trombone playing has seen them grabbed by the UFO's (ouch!), although it would not surprise us if they come crashing back through the roof any second now with "reject" stamped on their foreheads, especially if Nicholarse lights up one of his baked bean-boosted beauties and turns the spaceship into a new comet! Anyway, until then we'll continue with a review of "BLACK PUDDING BERTHA" by The Goodies as reviewed by your degenerate DJ's T' Delicate Lady of t' Temple (AKA Alison Bean) and E. Bahgoom Shake-yaboom (AKA Brett Allender).
On their "Yum Yum - The Very Best Of The Goodies" 1997 CD, on the 70's records "The Goodies Greatest", "Best Of ... The Goodies" and "The Goodies Greatest Hits", as a single (with "Panic" on the flip side) and also in their "Goodies - Almost Live Concert" episode.
E.Bahgoom: Set to a rocking rhythm with Lancastrian accented chants of "Bah goom, 'ere she cooms, yoom yoom, shake ya boom!", Bill sings about his affection for his Queen of northern soul, a lovely Yorkshire lass named Black Pudding Bertha. Although "her greasy lips taste a bit like fish and chips" and she shimmers like a plate of tripe when she dances, she whets Bill's appetite because her pudding shape appeals to him immensely.
T' Delicate Lady: The Goodies like to rock (believe it or not) and the only girl they'll be seen with on the dance floor (besides Olivia Newton-John, presumably) is Black Pudding Bertha. Why is this? Well, apparently The Goodies like them big, bold, brassy, black and puddingy, which could mean that Black Pudding Bertha was a 70s version of RuPaul (I always wondered about The Goodies myself, three blokes sleeping in the same bed…). But the important thing is that when Bertha gets going, she shakes like an earthquake and goes like dynamite, so whatever was going on in that bed, was obviously enjoyable.
E.Bahgoom: Inspired by the craze of t' ancient Lancastrian martial art of Ecky Thump (belting t' tripe out of people with black puddings!) sweeping the country, Bill slips back into his Grand Master Ee Bah Goom role from the "Kung Fu Kapers" episode to deliver more wise (and barely decipherable) homilies in his Lancastrian accent about his bloated black pudding beauty across the border in Yorkshire. The episode, backed up by this rather catchy tune succeeded in spawning a further craze of flat cap-wearing, black pudding-waving, boom-shaking Goodies groupies who ensured that "Black Pudding Bertha" became one of The Goodies most well known and successful songs.
T' Delicate Lady: Although, it didn't have total support. Graeme remarked in the episode Hype Pressure: "Black Pudding Bertha? What? Bah goom, shake your boom! Poetry?! Eat your heart out Lord Byron! Move over Percy Bysshe! The poet laureate rules OK!" And he's right, it isn't the most profound thing in the world, but then it doesn't pretend to be. It's just a boppin' good ditty about The Goodies' hopeless case of northern exposure, that doubtless couldn't be cured, even with a bottle of patented Goodies Elixir. One can only hope that the after effects of a night with Black Pudding Bertha were not similar to those following a feast at The Mystic East chip shop, where Bill vomited after a hearty dinner of black pudding, chip butties and piece of bacon for afters.
Using the Black Pudding Ratings System:
MUSIC: E.Bahgoom: IIII Officially Amazing; T' Delicate Lady: III Goody Goody Yum Yum.
SINGING: E.Bahgoom: IIII Officially Amazing; T' Delicate Lady: III Goody Goody Yum Yum.
HUMOUR: E.Bahgoom: III Goody Goody Yum Yum; T' Delicate Lady: II Fair-y Punkmother.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: E.Bahgoom: IIII Officially Amazing; T' Delicate Lady: III Goody Goody Yum Yum.
* Next month's music review will be "CACTUS IN MY Y FRONTS". If you have a copy of this song you are invited to contribute to this section, under your own silly pseudonym. *
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ
by quizmaster David McAnally email@example.com
1. What effect did the antidote to "Snooze" have on the English population?
2. What was unusual about the television set Graeme had in "The Lost Tribe of the Orinoco"?
3. How many torture chambers were there in "Camelot"?
4. Who was the Emperor when the Vandals struck in "Rome Antics"?
ANSWERS TO LAST MONTH'S QUESTIONS
1. What game did Camelot's drawbridge advertise?
2. In "The Goodies and the Beanstalk", what was the prize for winning "It's a Knockout" and who won the prize?
A: 5000 puppies and an extremely tiny trophy. The prize was won by the Giant when he burst all of the balloons (this being the final requirement to win the prize).
3. Tim learnt to drive in "The Race". Why was this surprising?
A: Tim already knew how drive in "Snooze".
4. Who performed Tim's, Bill's and Graeme's stunts in the various Goodies' episodes?
A: Tim, Bill and Graeme performed their own stunts.
Last month I wondered why Australian undergraduates were obsessed with the facial hair of Bill Oddie and Graeme Garden. By far the best explanation for this came from John Lee, firstname.lastname@example.org, who wrote "Wouldn't you rather grow a beard like Bill's than study? Also it gets cold here in Tassie in the winter." Quite.
And speaking of Bill, it's Bill's birthday on 7th July. Bill will be 57. Which reminds me of the poem written by Graeme for Bill's birthday in the episode A Change of Life.
Your birthday's here so give a cheer
You've lasted through another year
Be sure you have some birthday fun
You might not get another one
This is an archive newsletter of The Goodies Rule - OK! International Fan Club (copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 1998). Some of the information in this newsletter may now be incorrect. Current information can be obtained from http://www.goodiesruleok.com