» #33 Aug 1998
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
Issue No. 33 12th August 1998
THE LADS AND LASS OF THE C&G
EDITOR: Alison Bean.
CHIEF REVIEWER: Brett Allender.
CHIEF SPOTTER: David Balston.
QUIZMASTER: David McAnally.
1. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.
2. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY #8 - Scotland.
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW - I'm A Teapot.
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ - More Goodies brain teasers.
1. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. Mail firstname.lastname@example.org with your comments, ideas or suggestions.
Not much news this month on the t-shirt front (or the back for that matter!), but thanks to Trace Baird who continues to keep us informed on its progress. The artwork is almost finished apparently, so hopefully we can show you the proposed design sometime in the coming months.
The Goodies Convention 2000 committee held its first meeting on the 20th of July. It was decided that since the majority of those who responded to the convention questionnaires favoured Melbourne, this is where we will hold the convention if it happens. The favoured date is a weekend in July 2000, as this coincides with Australian winter holidays and presumably, British and American summer holidays.
At present, members of the committee are researching possible venues in and around Melbourne, seeking sponsors, planning fund-raisers and working out who we want to invite and what we want to do. But if there are any of you out there who can or would like to help, we welcome you to join the committee. Also we are looking for people who know anything about or have contacts in the hospitality and travel industries. E-mail email@example.com if you can help out.
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen a Goodie recently, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
BILL IN THE ANIMAL HOUSE
by David Balston, email@example.com
Animal House is a seven part series hosted by Bill Oddie. This show basically consists of funny and interesting animal stories from around the country and the world with Bill linking the items using some pretty corny jokes while walking around a zoo. Sadly, the reports themselves are not done by Bill. It started on Monday 6th of July, but you can catch the final two shows on the 17th and 24th of August at 8pm on Channel 5.
THE GOODIES ON UK ARENA AND BBC PRIME
by David Balston, firstname.lastname@example.org
Repeats of The Goodies have continued this month on UK Arena. Episodes including Way Outward Bound and That Old Black Magic have been screened, although they have been edited to 26 minute shows so that ads can be inserted. Annoying, but better than nothing. This month's schedule so far is:
Saturday 15th August 9.00pm - Hospital For Hire
Sunday 16th August 12am - Hospital For Hire
Sunday 16th August 9.00pm - The Race
Monday 16th August 12am - The Race
In addition, satellite channel BBC Prime are also showing 'The Goodies' on Saturday nights at 10.30pm (11.30pm Central European Time) throughout August with The Lost Tribe scheduled for Saturday 15th August.
TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR ON BEEB OI CHAT
by Alison Bean, email@example.com
On the 14th of July the Beeb website invited Tim Brooke-Taylor to chat to fans in the Oi chat room. And if you're like me and managed to miss it you needn't worry because the Beeb thoughtfully put a transcript of the chat on their webpages. Find out which royal (allegedly) broke up The Goodies, what Lady Constance is up to these days and much, much more at http://www.oi.beeb.com/chat/transcripts/980714_taylor/980714_taylor.html
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE IS BACK
by David Balston, firstname.lastname@example.org
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue is back for another series later this year, the recording dates are as follows:
Sunday 25th October 1998 - The Pavillion Theatre, Glasgow.
Box Office 0141 332 1846
Sunday 8th October - New Theatre, South Glamorgan, Cardiff
Box Office 01222 878889
Wednesday 25th November - Alexandra Theatre, Birmingham
Box office 0121 643 1231
Each session will see two episodes being taped and the usual line up of Tim, Graeme, Barry and Humph will be there with Colin Sell again at the piano and of course a special guest panellist. Recordings will usually start at 7.30pm.
3. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY no 8
For those of you unacquainted with Goodies-L, Brett Allender, email@example.com had been regularly posting to the list, summaries and reviews of each Goodies episode. And we thought they were so good that we decided to publish one each month. Here's this month's:
Series 2, Episode 1.
First transmitted 1st October 1971.
The Goodies cruise along on their trandem and come across a man contemplating whether or not to jump off a bridge and end it all. He climbs to the brink, then steps back several times over until Bill (true to the Goodies 'anything, anytime' motto) gives him a helping hand and pushes him off the bridge into the river below. Graeme and Tim do likewise to Bill and after the chap brings Bill to shore, they attempt to find out the reason why he wants to kill himself.
Initially he is too ashamed to tell them, but eventually reveals that he is a zookeeper who is having trouble finding an exhibit for the Lord Snowdon Monster House, which is soon to be opened by royalty. An attempt to create a monster by dressing four elephants in a budgie skin didn't work due to the problems in getting them to say "Who's a pretty boy!", hence his suicidal tendencies.
Tim fires up the gramophone and produces another stirring patriotic speech in which he promises that the Goodies will find a monster for the royal opening of the exhibit (spurred on by the lure of a possible OBE from the Queen!). After they realise that monsters can't be bought at pet shops, the Goodies set off to bonnie Scotland on the trandem in search of the famous monster of Loch Ness.
Despite an all-round observation post at the loch for several weeks (where they survive a close encounter with the bagpipes spider, shoot haggises and feed the ever-growing wild sporran population), there is still no sign of the monster, so they pay a visit to the Scottish Tourist Board (and pay over and over again for all sorts of equipment and permits to catch the monster). Tim's bait of dynamite only succeeds in blowing up the fish that he hooks, but the 'special monster bait' of sausages, cake and plonk works better and he is dragged to the bottom of the loch, as he desperately holds his breath and clutches an umbrella.
Bill and Graeme (complete with glasses attached to his diving mask!) dive to rescue Tim, as they reach the bottom swiftly (thanks to extra-heavy helmets) and find a tourist trap run by the same tourism operator that had previously ripped them off. Tim has bought a 'genuine' monster egg, but all attempts to quiz him are immediately followed by a cry of "Don't answer that!!", as he struggles to hold his breath underwater. Upon reaching the surface, the Goodies decide to pack it in, but find that they are riding on the back of the monster, which they clobber on the head with the egg, and carry it back to Cricklewood in a series of baskets on the back of the trandem (despite its escape attempt into the ladies loo on the way home!)
The zookeeper is delighted with the monster until a suggestion of mating it with a Russian monster is enough to pipe up a wee Scottish voice and the tourism operator emerges from a zip in the fake Nessies nether regions. The Goodies do one final favour for the zookeeper and help him to jump from the bridge again, but then Tim's egg hatches and a little Nessie menaces Graeme, which causes them to yell "Come back!" to the drowning zookeeper!
* Graeme (to Tim): "It's the giant bagpipes spider. It's deadly! Keep absolutely still. One bite from that and you dance the Highland Fling until you drop dead!"
* Tourist Operator (selling them equipment): "...cameras with special lenses for taking fuzzy, out-of-focus pictures ..."
* The giant bagpipes spider crawling menacingly over a terrified Tim before Graeme blasts the wind out of it with a shotgun.
* Their attempts to prove that they are Scottish to the Tourist Board operator, including all sorts of Scottish cliches and a rousing rendition of Roamin' in the Gloamin' with a loud "MacHoots!" to finish. The poor chappie watches the routine with a thoroughly incredulous look on his face, then mutters "Ye must be English tourists, 'ey!?"
* Upon asking the tourist operator if he had ever seen Nessie, he dims the lights and scares the hell out of them with a fearsome story about the huge monster devouring its prey right before his very eyes. He then puts the lights back on and remarks "Of course, I could have been mistaken!"
* When buying equipment, Tim not-so-bravely asks how to frighten Nessie away if she attacks them. The tourism operator tells them that it's no good shouting "BOO!" as she is stone deaf, so he holds up a big sign with "BOO!" written on it. If that doesn't work, he turns the sign around to show a photo of Nicholas Parsons which frightens the hell out of the Goodies (and would surely do the same to any self-respecting monster too!)
* Various cameos including Bill being left in just his undies and a sporran after his diving suit explodes, Nessie almost devouring Graeme and the signwriter changing his 'humps' sign to a monster sign as the Goodies ride past with Nessie in tow.
Stanley Baxter, Bernard Bresslaw
Needed, The One That Got Away
Beanz Meanz Heanz - "When I Grow Up", Cheap Phone Calls
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
Quite a good episode which gives a fairly substantial serve to the Scottish language, dress, thriftiness and the mystery of the Loch Ness monster. Not much classic dialogue, but some nice visual effects.
III Goody goody yum yum
BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM
IIII Officially amazing
III Goody goody yum yum
II Fair-y punkmother
I Tripe on t' pikelets
4. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to this month's music review.
After last month's reviewing of the perils and pleasures of copping a cactus in the dacks, Beefybelle Caroline Pricklyknickers was sufficiently spurred on to fulfil the prophesy of the song and run off with a porcupine (presently passionately partaking in particularly painful porcuperson production perhaps!), leaving the luckless Midnight "Horses Hoof" rather hornswaggled - not that he's complaining too much. Then again, his personal life is no concern of ours, is it?! So therefore we move on to this month's review of "I'M A TEAPOT" by the Goodies with your dreadful DJ's YawnalongaMax Boregraves (AKA Brett Allender) and Irma Teapot O.B.E. (AKA Alison Bean).
On their 1997 CD "Yum Yum - The Very Best Of The Goodies" and on their 70's albums "The New Goodies LP" and "The Goodies Greatest Hits".
YawnalongaMax: Everyone has a different method of dealing with impending disaster. This may involve trying to be a hero or otherwise going gaga, loopy, ape or just giving in altogether. However the Goodies have found just the right man with the secret method to deal with these crisis situations - Tim. When doing his "I'm A Teapot" impersonation, he is blissfully unaware of whatever horrible things are happening around him, and also he gets treated nicely while everyone else in the area is in a mad state of panic and despair.
Irma: What are you? What are you? You, you, you. What are you? What are you? You, you, you? If you said "I'm a teapot", you've got it right, according to this song. It's nice to happy believe it or not, so when you're next in a crisis all you have to do is put one hand on your hip, the other in the air and all your troubles will disappear faster than your accompanying plate of chocolate biscuits. Why is this so? Well Dr Graeme Garden has spent many years studying this strange and wonderful phenomenon. His eventual conclusion was that if a person acts like a loony, other people will avoid them. So next time you get hassled by your boss, just act like a teapot and they will eventually leave you alone, although they might fire you, but you didn't want that job anyway, right?
YawnalongaMax: Even if your office is about to be engulfed in a 350ft high block of concrete, trombone playing aliens are about to invade Earth, Nicholas Parsons is elected as Prime Minister or some other horrible catastrophe is occurring, there's no need to panic! You don't have to be a hero; in fact you can be a winning coward just by following Tim's lead, putting one hand on the hip and one in the air and swaying along to this groovy teapot tune. It's far better than going ape or bawling for your Mummy, but be warned. If you change your mind and want to be a coffee percolator instead, you'll be considered a "right ... <cut!>" by your mates.
Irma: I was originally perplexed as to why anyone would release a song entitled "I'm A Teapot", however now that I have listened to it more than is really necessary it is my opinion that this song is a service to the community. It is yet another example of The Goodies' philanthropic nature, they were there to help - Oprah Winfreys for the 70s if you like. And what's more they were innovators. NASA invented velcro when they were developing space suits and inadvertently revolutionised the fashion industry; Tim Brooke-Taylor came up with bobbing from side to side when he was having a rough trot and inadvertently invented aerobics. Had he worn a Union Jack leotard and released some Jane Fonda style videos he could have been a millionaire in the 80s and successfully sued Ginger Spice for copyright in the 90s. Sadly it was not to be, but we do have "I'm A Teapot", a brilliantly boppy tune with a surprisingly intelligent message.
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
MUSIC: YawnalongaMax: III Goody Goody Yum Yum; Irma: IIIII Superstar.
SINGING: YawnalongaMax: III Goody Goody Yum Yum; Irma: IIII Officially Amazing.
HUMOUR: YawnalongaMax: III Goody Goody Yum Yum; Irma: IIIII Superstar.
ALL TOGETHER NOW: YawnalongaMax: III Goody Goody Yum Yum; Irma: IIIII Superstar.
5. GOODIES TRIVIA QUIZ
by quizmaster David McAnally firstname.lastname@example.org
1. What was the giant in "The Goodies And The Beanstalk" before he became a giant?
2, What was the name of the dog which belonged to Tim's family in "Camelot"?
3. What was in the visor section of Bill's space helmet in "Invasion of the Moon Creatures"?
4. Graeme included three hand signals in Tim's car in "The Race". One was for turning left, one was for turning right; what was the third for?
ANSWERS TO LAST MONTH'S QUESTIONS
1. Two of the Goodies have been nannies? Which of the Goodies were they - and of whom were they nannies?
A: Tim, who was the nanny of Cecily in "Cecily" and Bill, who was the nanny of the robot in "Robot".
2. In "Winter Olympics", why were the 'relief maps', given to the Goodies by the Minister of Sport, so unusual?
A: They were a teapot and a cactus.
3. What was dropped into the bucket over Graeme's head in the torture chamber in "Camelot"?
A: A crab.
4. When Tim was having a bath in "Lighthouse Keeping Loonies", what was he wearing on his head - and what did people think when they saw Tim dressed in this article of clothing?
A: Tim was wearing a pick shower cap and was thought to be an alien when seen in the this attire.
As concrete encases another C&G for 1 year, 7 months, 4 days, 3 hours, 5 minutes and 10.3 seconds, we pray that you will save us before we have to eat the furniture. Farewell until then.
This is an archive newsletter of The Goodies Rule - OK! International Fan Club (copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 1998). Some of the information in this newsletter may now be incorrect. Current information can be obtained from http://www.goodiesruleok.com