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C&G 60 Dec 2000
#60 Dec 2000 - Print Email PDF 
Posted by bretta 30/10/2006

Index

» #60 Dec 2000

 
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
 
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
.
Issue No. 60                      12th December 2000
 
 
CLUB WEBSITE
 
 
CLUB E-MAIL
 
enquiries@goodiesruleok.com
 
POSTAL ADDRESS
 
'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 325
Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA
 
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
 
EDITOR
- Brett Allender
 
ACE REPORTERS
- David Balston
- Kay Dickinson
 
FAB FEATURE WRITER
- Lisa Manekofsky
 
QUOTEMASTER
Brian Labza
 
C&G CONTRIBUTORS:
Alison Bean, Garry Johnstone, Paul, Charlie Brown, Raymond Jennings, Mark Longmuir, Andrew Taylor
 
CONTENTS
 
1. QUIZ & QUOTE  - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you.
2. BOFFO IDEAS  - Club happenings and ideas.
3. SPOTTED!!!  - The latest Goodies sightings.
4. 2001 AND A BIT  - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
5. FEATURE ARTICLE  - A "Weekend" with The Goodies
6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - Playgirl Club
7. . CHRISTMAS GOODIES   – a goody goody yum yum festive treat.
8. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS   
.
. 
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
 
QUOTE: "The three cleaners you sent for will be along in half an hour ... eh, eh, eh!"
(a) Which Goodie says the above quote?
(b) Who is he speaking to, and what is he up to?
(c) Which Goodies episode does this quote come from?
 
QUIZ: Appropriately enough, this month's questions are from the "Earthanasia" episode where the world is about to be blown up at midnight on Christmas Eve.
(d) What was Graeme's present to himself, and why was it so useful?
(e) What was the cheeky slogan on Tim's billboard for his hot chestnut stall?
(f) What does Bill's proposed final Oddie-sey of self gratification involve?
(g) What does Tim have a major phobia about?
(h) How does Tim ruin the Christmas cake?
(i) What was Graeme's "silly joke"?
 
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
 
 
2. BOFFO IDEAS
 
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
 
 
THE CRICKLEWOOD SHAKEDOWN – GOODIES RULE UK
 (by Kay Dickinson)
 
 
On the 11th of November this year, the very first (that we're aware of, anyway) UK Goodies get-together was held in a pub in - where else? - Cricklewood. The idea had been floating around for a while, but it was due to a mistaken posting on Goodies-L by Jessica Harding that finally got us all motivated.
 
As the BBC were *so* keen to put out a tribute to their best ever comedy show, it was decided that it would be appropriate to arrange the meet as close as possible to the 30th anniversary of the inaugural show, on the 8th November 1970 (a Sunday, from 10.10 'til 10.40pm, for those of us who really want to know!) and after consultation with all those interested, it was decided that the format would include the showing of a mixture of both classic episodes and rarities, as well as raffle prizes, a quiz, music and anything else that could be arranged in the two weeks we had to organise it!
 
An interesting Sunday afternoon was spent wandering the streets of Cricklewood, and, having found the Cricklewood Tavern (although unfortunately too late for an evening of traditional music and song, which, as we know, was on Friday night) we found that they didn't have a function room. So, after a further tramp round the town (which really is as boring as we've all heard), the owner of an extremely pleasant pub on the Broadway agreed to let us have the use of their function room on Saturday 11th November free, gratis and for nowt.
 
And so, come said date, the bemused residents and locals of the St James Gate on Cricklewood Broadway were descended upon by assorted loonies and ne'er do wells. At about 12 o'clock, lots of Goodies fans also arrived and joined them. After a few technical problems, we were treated to the very first Goodies episode - Beefeaters (Tower of London), followed by Invasion of the Moon Creatures - and seeing these on their big screen made all the running around and panic over the technical hitches worthwhile. After lunch, the lucky-door raffle for signed pictures was drawn, and was won by Olga and her friend Steve, and then we were back to the episodes. The first public screening since at least 1975 of Playgirl Club (Caught In The Act) had not only us, but quite a few of the pub's locals in hysterics at Tim's wonderfully outrageous first drag role as Mitzi - for ISIRTA fans, Lady Constance de Coverlet given a face at last!
 
This was followed by... a walk in the Black Forest! Radio Goodies (Pirate Post Office) and 'Ecky Thump (Kung-fu Kapers) kept everyone laughing but as the pub was filling with more and more Saturday night revellers, it was decided to retire to the private room upstairs for T'Grand Goodies Quiz and further episodes.
 
The quiz had been devised as five rounds of ten questions on Episodes, Quotes, Songs, Guest Stars and a general Goodies related category. Judging by the blank faces, and blank lines on the quiz sheets, it may have been a bit too difficult - Ian Greaves' pained expressions at some of the questions led to the belief that he was either having difficulty with the answers or a bout of gastro-enteritis! Olga Ruocco, in response to one of the questions, treated us to a fabulous Lady Constance de Coverlet impression. The quiz was won by Clive Huggett, who had attended due to my merciless plugging at the Cult TV convention, with 31 out of 50 points. If anyone would like to have a bash at the quiz questions to see if they could do better, drop me an e-mail and I'll be happy to send it to you. Brett, our esteemed leader, managed 41 out of 50, so that's what you've got to beat!
 
The quiz over, we then watched one of the exclusives of the day - the video of Bill Oddie's interview at Cult TV two weeks previously, which was reported in last month's C&G (although no-one at the time had seen the report and didn't know what to expect). This was enjoyed immensely, as was the showing of Goodies Rule OK, South Africa and It Might As Well Be String, which followed.
 
Despite several hiccups with equipment, everything went off well, and everyone present enjoyed themselves. My thanks to Alison Bean and David Balston for all the help they proffered and to everyone who attended - many
people had come some distance, through hell and high water (i.e. British Rail and floods). Thanks also to Tim Brooke-Taylor, who would have attended had he not been deserting the stricken and soggy country for sunnier climes (I'd rather be in Portugal than Cricklewood any day!), for his message of support.
 
Hopefully other, maybe larger, events will be arranged in the future, although for this to happen, I'll need help to arrange it. If you'd like to see a larger event in the future (and you're in the UK) and you're daft enough to want to help out, please contact me - I can't do it on my own!
 
 
WA VIDEO NIGHT
 
A Goodies video night is being planned for Perth, hopefully to be held early in the new year. A message has already been sent out to all Western Australian GROK members and the response has been very positive to date. Please e-mail the organiser, Sandra Wright at <swright@tlcwa.org.au> if you are interested in attending a future video night.and haven't already contacted her, so that she can arrange a suitable venue, date and time for the video night to take place.
.
.
DATABASE SURVEY
 (by Brett Allender)
 
Many thanks to all of those members who have responded to the various database requests sent out in recent times. However there are still more than 400 Australian members who haven't yet informed me which state they live in and more than 50 members for whom I don't even have an indication of which country they live in, so any further replies will be most welcome. This information will help me to inform you about upcoming club activities in your area, so ultimately it's for your own benefit.
 
Anyway here are our current membership statistics:
1119 members from 15 countries. Australia 760 (ACT 22, NSW 80, QLD 53, SA 37, TAS 19, VIC 116, WA 27, state not identified 406), Bermuda 1, Bosnia 1, Canada 15, Ireland 2, Malaysia 1, Netherlands 1, New Zealand 19, Norway 1, Poland 1, Portugal 1, South Africa 1, Sweden 1, United Kingdom 142, U.S.A. 109, Country not identified 58.
 
 
3. SPOTTED!!!
 
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
 
THE GOODIES TOOTHPICK COMPANION
 
 
Established by GROK club member Ian Greaves (aka Bent Halo) this newly established website is a must-see for all self-respecting Goodies fans. Although it only contains information about the first series of The Goodies at present, it is already an awesome resource containing virtually everything that anyone could wish to know about each episode including transcripts, photographs, screening details etc etc. All Goodies fans who have viewed the site already are eagerly anticipating the posting of equally fabulous material for the remaining Goodies series in due course, so keep up the brilliant work Ian! The site is linked to the Corpses comedy website at http://www.notbbc.co.uk/corpses which is also well worth a look.
 
 
GOODIES MARATHON COMING UP ON UKTV
 (by Charlie Brown)
 
For UKTV's Christmas Special this year, they are screening non-stop (almost) back-to-back EVERY episode of The Goodies from BBC (Excluding Series 1 Episode 4 - "Playgirl Club"). If you are fortunate enough to have Pay TV with the UKTV channel, crank up your VCR, hit the video shop and get ready for non stop laughter till either the cows come home, or you've opened all your presents - whichever comes first.
 
Here are the screening times. You might want to set your VCR's timer to get some, but the effort will be worth it. Commencing on December 24 at 7:00am Eastern Daylight Savings Time and continuing until 7:00am EDT on December 26, with the exception of The Queens Christmas Message and a Top Of The Pops special. Times are given in 24 Hour mode to avoid the confusion between AM and PM.
 
NSW*    SA     QLD    NT     WA
 7:00   6:30   6:00   5:30   4:00 Series 1 (6eps)
 
10:00   9:30   9:00   8:30   7:00 Series 2 (12eps)
 
16:00 15:30 15:00 14:30 13:00 Series 3 (6eps)
 
19:00 18:30 18:00 17:30 16:00 "The Goodies Rule, OK?"
 
20:00 19:30 19:00 16:30 17:00 "The Goodies And The Beanstalk"
 
21:00 20:30 20:00 19:30 18:00 "Montreux" (a.k.a. "Kitten Kong")
 
21:30 21:00 20:30 20:00 18:30 "Superstar"
 
22:00 21:30 21:00 20:30 19:00 Series 4** (6eps)
6:00   5:30   5:00   4:30   3:00 Series 5 (13eps)
 
12:30 12:00 11:30 11:00   9:30 Series 6 (7eps)
 
16:00 15:30 15:00 14:30 13:00 Series 7 (6eps)
 
19:50 19:20 18:50 18:20 16:50 The Queen's Christmas Message
 
20:00 19:30 19:00 18:30 17:00 Top Of The Pops Xmas Special
 
21:00 20:30 20:00 19:30 18:00 Series 8 (6eps)
 
 0:00 23:30 23:00 22:30 21:00 "The Goodies Rule, OK?" (rpt)
 
 1:00   0:30   0:00 23:30 22:00 "The Goodies And The Beanstalk" (r)
 NSW*    SA     QLD    NT     WA
 
 2:00   1:30   1:00   0:30 23:00 "Montreux" (rpt)
 
 2:30   2:00   1:30   1:00 23:30 "Superstar" (rpt)
 
 3:00   2:30   2:00   1:30   0:00 Series 6 (rpt)(7eps)
 
 6:30   6:00   5:30   5:00   3:30 "Montreux" (repeated again!)
 
 7:00   6:30   6:00   5:30   4:00
24 Hours of The Kenny Everett Show
 
* NSW times are also correct for Victoria and Tasmania
** The time slot allocated for Series 4 includes a repeat of series 1 and 3.
 
Please note that the times are approximate. This is how the Austar guide reads: "7:00 The Goodies Christmas PG Catch your favourite Goodies episodes from series 1 to three, which includes episodes like" followed by a brief synopsis of several episodes from all three series, but still sypnotised in episode order, so I'm assuming that all the episodes will be presented in their correct BBC order.
 
For further information, call Telstra Directories on 12455 (not 013) and ask for Foxtel's 13 number because I don't know it. If you have Austar, call 132 432 for further information. If you have PayTV, like I do, please STILL sign the petition to get The Goodies back on the ABC as I am getting sick of people I know asking me to tape it for them!!
 
(Thanks also to Raymond Jennings, Andrew Taylor & Mark Longmuir who contributed similar information regarding this upcoming Goodies extravaganza!)
 
 
THE SECRET (APPEARANCE) OF ECKY THUMP
 (by Garry Johnstone – posted to Goodies-l on November 12th)
 
I was amazed to see that a Goodies episode was shown on C4 last night, about 3 seconds of Kung Fu Kapers. For the benefit of anyone who missed it (which wouldn't have been difficult to do), it was during Top Ten: One Hit Wonders. A song from the mid-1970s called "Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting" was apparently the One Hit Wonder number one of all time. A lot of old TV show clips were shown to illustrate the Kung Fu craze of the 1970s, including a bit of the scene where Graeme and Tim are practicing Kung Fu (well before they move on to the more effective Eckythump).
 
 
GOODIES ARTICLE IN TV ZONE
 (by Lisa Manekofsky – posted to Goodies-l on November 17th)
 
David Balston contributed the following item to the November C&G: "The new issue of TV Zone is on sale with a lovely 4 page special on Kitten Kong by Andrew Pixley."
 
Please note that the appropriate issue is #133, with the "Farscape" cover. I believe the appropriate issue date is December 2000.
 
The magazine can be purchase by mail from:
UK and non-US customers:
 
US customers:
 
 
BILL ODDIE GOOD FUN
 (by Alison Bean)
 
Just found this at a site called Humorlinks (http://www.humorlinks.com ).
.
. 
BILL GOES WILD
 (by David Balston)
 
Bill's new show 'Bill Oddie Goes Wild' starts on BBC2 on January 5th 2001 and to promote it Bill appeared on the BBC1 show 'TV Revealed' on 4th December 2000 and naturally a Goodies clip was shown, this time from 'The New Office'. While promoting the new series Bill did state his displeasure at the lack of any repeats to celebrate the anniversary year. In a phone in he was asked if he kept in touch with the other Goodies and he replied "Yes, very occasionally but they are getting terribly old and they don't get out much these days. They couldn't come along here, they wouldn't have survived but I see them occasionally. We had a pseudo anniversary thing at the NFT and it was sold out very quickly and they showed some old clips and we got embarrassed, they stood up and clapped, we wept tears of nostalgia."
 
A NEW YEAR'S TREAT
 (by David Balston)
 
On New Year's Eve at 8pm on BBC2 there is the Best of the 70s night which Bill apparently contributed so let's hope his appearances makes it to the final show.
 
 
4. 2001 AND A BIT
 
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays.
 
 
TIM'S COMEDY LINKS
 (by Kay Dickinson)
 
Tim's Comedy Links was a four-part series of half hour programmes which were broadcast on Radio 4 between 14th November and 5th December. It attempted to link TBT's two great loves - golf and comedy - although, according to Tim himself, he did try to include his third love (apart from his family and accountant) too - Spanish Rioja, although he admits that the sound of him slugging even the friendliest of wines, alternating with the smack of a golf ball doesn't make the best radio!
 
During the series, Tim visited four great golf courses around the British Isles, playing around - sorry, playing a round of golf at each and interspersing play with his favourite comedy clips and cleverly linking the two with personal anecdotes. Quite a few of these links are tenuous and often somewhat dubious, but certainly make for very entertaining listening, even for those of us (like me) whose own links with golf stop at the crazy golf course at the seaside (although I'm still proud of getting a hole-in-one at the volcano hole in Blackpool once!).
 
The first programme saw Tim at his own golf club - Temple - during a celebrity charity day. He was playing alongside Kenny Lynch, Jasper Carrott and Garfield Morgan. Lynch comments that Tim is the last person who should be doing golf and comedy, and his observation that Tim frequently contracted the "Yips" (an involuntary hand spasm common in golfers making that crucial putt) led to the admission that TBT is a nervous performer - and as a nervous golfer is acutely aware of everything else going on around him and cannot concentrate on the job in hand, so it is with actors too. This led into a comedy clip from Robin Williams about a nervous comedian dying on stage, and the lengths he would go to to obtain that all-important laugh.
 
An excellent clip of Jasper Carrott talking about extreme sports and bungee jumpers followed, and then we were back at Temple, where Tim observes that, despite it being a hot day, all the men there were wearing long trousers. According to the rules at Temple, if shorts are worn, long socks must also be donned, leaving only an inch or so of bare flesh visible at the knee - hardly enough to frighten the horses! - thus the wearer resembles a South African policeman, a dodgy scoutmaster or Billy Bunter! This linked into a clip of a programme called "The 19th Hole" which sees a hilarious clubhouse exchange between the committee on what to do about a (formerly) male member of the club who has changed sex. This, says Tim, "might be my answer - women [at Temple] don't have to wear long socks - they don't have to wear socks at all. But what am I saying? Even I'm not prepared to change sex for socks!" Shame - you *do* look good in a dress, Tim!
 
Other great clips and quotes from this programme included Stanley Unwin, explaining the principles of golf in his own inimitable style, Ted Ray's story of a 1952 Temple celebrity day with Donald Pears, Bob Hope and Bing Crosby, quotes from PJ Wodehouse, a clip from WC Fields (or Lavatory Meadows to Goodies fans (The Movies)) and an observation from both Duncan Preston (from the series "Dinner Ladies") and Bob Hope that people tend to get hooked on golf whilst out on the road. Tim mentions that he's been on the road in a play recently - and says that it's hard living out of a suitcase; three hours of work a day and unfamiliar golf courses.... all together now, Awwww!
 
The second programme of the series, broadcast on the 21st November, found TBT at Ballybunion, on the west coast of Ireland. After a dreadful pun on the name of the place (which is *far* too awful to repeat - it was so bad it would have even been chucked out of ISIRTA) he explains that the reason that he's there is because he's always want to go there, and it's his show. So there!
 
We are then introduced to his golfing companions for the day, Brendan, Basil and Frank, and a wager is agreed on the outcome of play. Tim explains, in rather an apologetic tone, that some of this programme won't be politically correct - "but the Irish *are* funny - and if they want to play on the idea of the Irish being stupid for a laugh, then fine. Personally, I just think they pretend to be stupid and lull the rest of us into a false sense of security".
 
This links into a clip of Ardal O'Hanlon (Dougal in Father Ted, for the uninitiated, and a fabulous stand-up comedian in his own right) where he examines the myth that the Irish are a literary nation, "you can walk into any pub in Dublin, apparently it's full of writers and poets - in most other countries they're called drunks - artists we call them!"
 
Apparently, Tim wanted the series to be called, "Golf, Lies and Audio Tape", but the title was*too* good - "sometimes you think a programme was commissioned on the title alone. After all, the focus groups liked it a lot....."
 
Back to the subject of the Irish, and it's now considered Un-PC to tell Irish jokes - unless you're Irish yourself - wife and mother-in-law jokes have gone out of fashion, which Tim thinks is a shame. He recalls that Clive Anderson once took Frank Carson to task for telling mother-in-law jokes - "they're old-fashioned and politically incorrect" - so Carson reeled off half a dozen mother-in-law jokes, which turned a "right-on" audience into a pack of braying hyenas. Cue a clip of the man himself being wonderfully politically incorrect.
 
A golf course, says Tim, is a good place for picking up useless information. Whilst playing at a course near to the observatory at Kew, he was informed that all maritime instruments passed by the authorities (ouch!) were stamped "O.K." For Observatory Kew - meaning that they were good enough. When expounding this theory on another occasion, he was told, no - it was French for "safe and on the quay" - or "au quay" and on yet another occasion that an American President spelt, "all correct" with an O and a K instead of the A and C. Yet another theory is that it was a wartime abbreviation for "none killed". A good comedian can make everyday trivia into a very OK comedy routine, and Tim's point is well illustrated by a clip from Jerry Seinfeld. An amusing and well thought out, but, it has to be said, rather tenuous link - although I bet he's been dying to tell that story somewhere!
 
With reference to the Seinfeld clip, Tim wonders why, in Britain, do TV stations think that the best of US television is not good enough for prime-time viewing? The funniest, toughest and most satirical programme of all is put out at children's viewing time - he is referring, of course, to The Simpsons (although, can anyone think of any British programmes that fit that description that were treated in the same way?) Both Seinfeld and Shandling (who also has a clip played) are put out very late on British TV - and "don't get me going about the makeover programmes in competition with cooking programmes on BBC1 and 2".
 
We are then treated to a wonderful clip of "Beyond The Fringe" from the 1960s, recorded in front of an American audience, where the team discuss emigration to the US and the necessity of being able to play the Star-Spangled Banner in order to get a visa - if they didn't have regulations like that, any old riff-raff could get in! The Statue of Liberty started the rot - some idealistic johnny went and inscribed on the bottom all this business about "give me your poor, your huddled masses" - well, people did!
 
Many of the "huddled masses" were from Ireland, and Brendan recites a poem written by one who returned. John Lock was a deportee who escaped Van Dieman's Land to America and returned to Ireland after 30 years, when pardoned.
 
Tim can't resist another Ardal O'Hanlon clip, followed by another from the man about whom he wonders "if he hadn't been parachuted in one night as part of one big anti-papist plot" - Dave Allen, of course.
 
And so they come to the end of the round - and the best news of all - Tim and Frank have won the wager!
 
(A review of the remaining two episodes of Tim's Comedy Links will appear in next month's C&G)
 
 
WIRELESS WISE
 (by David Balston)
 
The series "Wireless Wise" is a nostalgia show based on the radio of the past and features Graeme as a panellist. It goes out at 1.30pm on Friday and 8pm on Sunday's on BBC Radio 4. The first show saw Graeme reviving a forgotten impersonation from 'The Archers'.
 
 
BILL BACK FROM THE DEAD
 (by Paul)
 
Just thought you might like to know. Bill Oddie is set to make a slight return to comedy by starring in the third episode of new BBC sitcom 'Fun at the funeral parlour' The show starts on BBC choice, on 1st of Jan 2001 and may well be on BBC2 later on in the year.
 
 
MARRIED WITH BILL
 (by Lisa Manekofsky – posted to Goodies-l on December 6th)
 
The US cable channel FX is scheduled to air the episodes of "Married With Children" with Bill Oddie next week. According to their on-line schedule (available from http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/hits/married.html ), the three parts are scheduled to run at the following times:
 
Wednesday, Dec 13 - 10:00 PM e/p - The England Show, Part 1
Wednesday, Dec 13 - 10:30 PM e/p - The England Show, Part 2
Thursday, Dec 14 - 10:00 PM e/p - The England Show, Part 3
 
Please note that these are Eastern & Pacific Standard Times; consult your local listings for the appropriate times in your area.
 
 
ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE
 (by David Balston)
 
Tim made appearances throughout the show "I Don't Believe it - The One Foot In the Grave Story" transmitted 8.30pm on BBC1 on 20th November 2000. He appeared with many other past cast members to give us his view of Victor Meldrew and the genius that is the writing of David Renwick.
 
 
LITTLE BOOK OF MORNINGTON CRESCENT
 (by Lisa Manekofsky – posted to Goodies-l on December 4th)
 
I was just looking at amazon.co.uk's page for "The Little Book of Mornington Crescent" and I noticed two things which I thought were of interest. First, the book's Amazon.co.uk Sales Rank is currently 38! I'm guessing this is partially due to the Monday airings of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue". Still, this ranking is higher than I would have suspected (I guess we know this year's hot Christmas gift ;).
 
The second recent addition to the website is a rather amusing review of the book from amazon itself. 
Here's a cut & paste of a few lines that I particularly liked:
 
"Mornington Crescent is a game which has baffled fans of the Radio 4 show I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue for years. Among their frequently asked questions are "What are the rules of Mornington Crescent?", "Does Mornington Crescent have rules, and if so what are they?" and "Mornington Crescent: rules, please?". Here--at last--written by the four men in the country least likely to be able to help, is a little book which goes little or no way towards answering such queries."
 
 
GOODIES MORNINGTON CRESCENT RULES, OK?!
 
(by Kay Dickinson – posted to Goodies-l on November 27th)
 
For all fans of ISIHAC and Mornington Crescent, the GROK rules have now been devised (and officially approved!) - of course (being far too logical for advanced Mornington Crescent rules) these are for absolute beginners, just to let them have a feel of the game. If they like the feel then they can start on the ten year Beginners' Course .They are, in effect, rules for "Mornington Crescent Lite".
 
You can go Anywhere, Anytime - but only by trandem (unless, of course, you use the Brooke-Taylor Derby County manoevre which necessitates going via Wembley and invariably means you've not got a cat in hell's chance of getting any further).
 
Thameslink Stations between West Hampstead and Hendon are wild**, as is (Black) Pudding Mill Lane and (Nicholas) Parson's Green.
 
(** for the uninitiated, this is, of course, Cricklewood)
 
A move to a royal station (Royal Oak, Queensway, Queen's Park, King's Cross, Earls Ct, Knightsbridge etc) must be accompanied by a verse of "Land of Hope and Glory". Failure to do so will put you immediately in nid, losing three turns and necessitating the wearing of a pair of false ears for the remainder of the game (in the event of false ears being unavailable, the player must adopt the teapot stance for the duration of the round).
 
Similarly, using St Pauls will put you in nid (or under giant kitten) for three turns.
 
Using High Barnet, however, will automatically gain you your wig-spotters badge.
 
You may make an underground or overground (wombling) free move to Wimbledon Common at any time, but beware of getting caught in an Orinoco loop, which will require you to kick Tobermory in the nuts before making your next move.
 
Anyone fancy a game? ;o)
 
 
UPCOMING ISIHAC RECORDINGS
 
The dates and locations for the upcoming Spring series of 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue' recordings (featuring Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden as regular panelists) are:
 
2001
 
Sunday 13th May - Reading Hexagon (capacity 1200)
Tuesday 29th May - Theatre Royal, Norwich (capacity 1318)
Sunday 17th June - Grand Theatre, Blackpool (capacity 1215)
 
(NOTE: ISIHAC Featured Round will reappear in the January edition)
 
 
5. FEATURE ARTICLE
 
A "WEEKEND" WITH THE GOODIES
 (by Lisa Manekofsky)
 
The following article appeared in the British publication "Weekend", issue No. 3603 March 13-19, 1974. Among the articles featured on the cover of this issue are ones about the "big export business in shrunken human heads", instructions on crocheting a maxi-dress, and a feature entitled "Could You Marry a Goodie And Stay Sane? – Three wives talk of TV's maddies". The article is actually in four parts – an article about The Goodies' show plus the interviews with each of the Goodies' wives in 1974."
 
"Danger ­ Goodies At Work"
 
Roll up! See "The Goodies"! Thrill, as they battle giant animals - laugh, as they get flattened by steamrollers - gasp, as they leap from high cliffs.
 
And they get up for more every time. How does such an unlikely bunch of send-up supermen manage to get one sketch together, let along a whole show?
 
Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie write the shows with "ideas and encouragement" from Tim Brooke-Taylor. Then, when they feel they're ready, they confer with the BBC production team and special effects department to decide which sketches are practical possibilities.
 
The shows don't come cheap. Their Christmas version of "Jack and The Beanstalk" probably cost about £100,000. It took four 60-hour weeks of hard work for 45 minutes' viewing.
 
Giant props, like the furniture and cutlery, in the fairy tale were made from light plastic material. The beanstalk was simply wire mesh, painted. It was draped over the side of a disused quarry in Dorset, where a lot of the filming was done. It had to be as strong as it looked because the Goodies actually climbed it. And it would have been longer if someone hadn't hacked a length off. Bill said: "That's the trouble with location work. It we leave anything out overnight, no matter how useless to anyone but us, something happens to it."
 
Hours were spent filming geese flying or waddling about. The authentic shots were edited into film of a dummy goose.
 
A scene in which the Goodies were chased by flying geese which bombed them with giant eggs was done quite simply. A taut wire was run from the top of the quarry side to the bottom. A dummy goose was hooked on to slide down with a camera behind it. As the dummy bird started its run the Goodies below went into action. Result: it looked like a giant bird flapping over them.
 
The Goodies are the first to admit they owe a lot to the inventive genius of the backroom boys at the BBC. 
 
A lot of dummies are used, too, although the Goodies do most of the simple stunts. Bill says: "Most times it's just as easy for us to do a stunt as to use dummies or professional stuntmen. We get a bigger laugh when it can be seen that it is us who are falling."
 
"A lot of trick filming involves being suspended from wires in the studio. They're as sharp as razors and can be dangerous. Once, we were filming a scene where we had to chase a prop rabbit down a street. It was wired up and about to be pulled when some drunken Hell's Angels roared past and snagged the wire. Everyone near it was almost sliced in two. One of the team was very badly cut."
 
"So when you see us fall off our bike and roll about in agony ­ we usually are."
 
 
"Who'd Have A Goodie For A Husband?"
By Dick Maino
 
They ride a three-seater bike, get involved in craziest stunts and eccentric adventures. But what are they like off-screen? We asked the women in their lives.
 
 
"Bill's a Musical Footballer at Heart"
 
Cuddly Bill Oddie is the Goodie of them all. When he's not writing scripts or music for the show you'll probably find him on Hampstead Heath watching birds.
 
"Bill's a musical hermit and ornithologist who happens to be in showbiz," joked his wife, Jean, who, at 42, is 10 years older than her husband. "He loves being alone studying wildlife or composing. He's perfectly happy locked up in his room with his work."
 
It was music that brought them together – not violins, but a jazz club.
 
Jean was singing at the Establishment back in the Sixties. Bill popped in between shows of a students' revue he was in when he was reading English at Cambridge University. "He fell in love at first sight – not with me but the trio behind," Jean joked, claiming Bill got chatting to her only to get closer to the band. "He reveres musicians. He found out that I knew as much about jazz as he did, so we got on well. Being a Lancashire lad he likes my chip butties, too."
 
When she became Mrs. Oddie five years ago Jean gave up a full-time singing career and now teaches sociology. Their working day often takes them to opposite ends of their rambling house near the Heath. And if one of their daughters – Kate, five, and Bonnie, two – needs attention, whoever is nearest goes.
 
Jean reckons Bill likes his cuddly TV image, but he plays an aggressive game of football.
 
"What he would love to do most is a musical. The one thing he hates is kids following him in the street. That makes him claustrophobic."
 
 
"Graeme – The Doctor in Disguise"
 
Dr. Graeme Garden met his wife, Liz, in a hospital theatre. He was auditioning her for a part in a students' play. "I didn't get the part," she said, "but I stayed on to do the costumes. I make a lot of clothes for our daughter, Sally."
 
Sally, three, watches the show at their West Hampstead semi, not because daddy is in it, but to see "uncles" Tim and Bill.
 
Liz is a physiotherapist and holds weekly ante-natal relaxation classes. She said: "When we met, Graeme was very shy. He's not so much now, perhaps because of me – I'm more extrovert. At the time he was doing clinical work."
 
"But I don't think he would have become a practising doctor though he has qualified," she said.
 
Liz feels he would have ended up in research work. She says Graeme's very much the character he portrays in the show.
 
"When he's not doing `The Goodies' he does cartoons or book reviews for medical magazines. Or he's working on some kind of gadget. I think he feels he's more of a writer or artist than a performer."
 
Even on holiday they can't get away from "The Goodies", for Graeme is an avid home-movie buff. "If you think the show's funny, you should see some of our productions" said Liz.
 
 
"Tim Loves to Get a Bit Risky"
 
What is Tim Brooke-Taylor like at home after a hard day's capers at the TV studios?  Does he carry on where he left off and send his family nuts? "Not at all," said Christine Brooke-Taylor. "Tim's usually too tired after a day's filming. Sometimes he's away for a week doing location work."
 
Tim, who studied law at Cambridge University before becoming an entertainer, met his wife on a ski-ing holiday in 1967. They married soon after. They live in a cottage near Hampstead Heath and have two sons, Ben, four, and Edward, two. Christine assured me that "Tim's very normal at home. He's not like a Goodie at all."
 
The Goodies risk life and limb regularly doing stunts – just for a laugh. All three, especially Tim, who likes doing the riskier tricks, have come close to serious injury during filming. Did she worry about that aspect of the show? "No. I'm sure they all know what they're doing during stunts," said Christine. "The only anguish I had was when Tim kept falling on his neck during one silly shot."
 
Another time the three Batmen crashed 15ft. on to the studio floor when wires suspending their three-seater bike snapped. The bike got most of the damage, but Tim's hand was slashed.
 
Any other hazards in being a Goodie?
 
"People come up to you in the street saying they don't like the show. All one can say is sorry. But Tim doesn't seem to mind – he likes being recognized."
 
 
January feature – "Kitten Kong 1971 Style" by Andrew Pixley
 
 
6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY
 (by Brett Allender)
 
PLAYGIRL CLUB
 
Series 1, Episode 4
First transmitted: 29th November 1970
 
PLOT
 
Tim walks into the office to find two old men from the GPO installing a telephone and complains that it's about time too (which draws a response from Bill that they were very lucky because the GPO sent their emergency team!). The phone starts ringing straight away (with incredulous gasps of "God blimey, it's working!" and "Well I never!" from the workers) and Tim takes a garbled call from the personal private secretary for the Minister for Trade and Domestic Affairs (with endless replies of "Thank you" in the process).
 
The Minister is coming to see them right away and as it is important for the Goodies to get the job, they need to try to impress him. They set up a blow-up dolly secretary (as Tim figures that the Minister will be a "randy old devil") and Graeme gets the office organised by cleverly reversing various door frames and furniture items to provide a suitable decor for the Minister's visit.
 
The Goodies are therefore surprised to find out that the Minister is a woman and upon arrival she endlessly rattles on about the traffic and her neighbour's expired budgie among other things. She has a rather personal problem which requires assistance, but would rather discuss it with a woman, so the Goodies retire to their other office (a cupboard, in which they are all squashed together face-to-face). Tim is sent out to a public phone booth to ring the Minister as a lady consultant (complete with Lady Constance voice!), only to get a further earful from the Minister about her political problems, the price of cat food and the bleeding budgie again!
 
The Minister eventually tells Tim that she was in the Playgirl Club, an exclusive sexy club for women, the other night (despite having told him in the previous sentence that it was a dreadful place and she wouldn't be seen dead in there!) and one thing led to another between herself and a heavenly waiter. Someone took photos of them together and mindful of the likely scandal which would occur if the photos ever became public, she wants the Goodies to retrieve the photos by using an undercover lady secretary While Tim is returning from the phone booth, the Minister continues to gossip away to the dolly secretary (who has sprung a leak and is slowly deflating!) and Bill has a better idea of how to infiltrate the Playgirl Club - send Tim in dressed as a woman!
 
Tim is initially horrified by the idea, but relents and drags up with big bangs, a bigger hat and an even bigger bum (that has to be deflated before he can ride on the trandem!) before disappearing into the club with the others waiting outside. He cautiously strolls around a large swimming pool full of bikini clad girls (who are being served drinks by topless men), into the steam room and sauna (where he stays fully clad and just about expires from heat exhaustion) and into the shower area, where the line-up of naked girls (viewed from the back, but still wouldn't have a hope in hell of getting by the ABC censors!) requires him to sit under the cold tap in the end cubicle for a while!
 
Three weeks later, Bill and Graeme are back at the office still waiting for Tim to return, and in desperation Graeme hooks Bill up to the computer for another lemon sherbet-fuelled vision. After more pretty colours (and another glimpse of Tony Blackburn) an image appears of Tim still in drag, but clambering in among a bevy of beautiful girls before a "censored" sign covers the screen! Graeme and Bill must go inside the club to "rescue" him and a phone call to the Minister ascertains that men can only get in by working as Wolves - the male equivalent of Bunnies.
 
There is a Wolf Mother named Miss Heifer who goes scouting for likely young men down the Kings Road every lunchtime, but she is only identifiable by her red knickers with green spots. This leads to Bill and Graeme employing various (rather smutty but cleverly done) methods of looking up women's skirts until they find Miss Heifer (in the guise of a policewoman because not everyone approves of her) and she carts them off to the Playgirl Club.
 
In order to get a job there, Bill and Graeme have to pass muster with Miss Heifer's business partner Mitzi (Tim still dragged up!), who ridicules their scrawny builds before offering them jobs (with a wink at the end which is reciprocated between the three Goodies and Miss Heifer until the three Goodies blow kisses at each other, to her bemusement!) Bill and Graeme change into their sexy Wolves costumes and attract unwanted attention from the female patrons in the dance club section (who are also enjoying a female comedian telling dirty jokes about men, and a very elegant male stripper strutting his stuff), and Tim confirms to Bill that he's got the photos but hadn't wanted to leave because he had been enjoying himself!
 
Tim and Bill are ready to leave, but an edgy Graeme has been marched off to a private room by Miss Heifer for a "nice quiet chat" which threatens to escalate into fully blown way-hey-hey (especially when she takes a key off the wall and prepares to undo the padlock which dangles from his waist!) until Bill and Mitzi charge in. Mitzi claims Graeme as her own, which arouses Miss Heifer's suspicions about her and when Tim reveals that he's really a man, the Goodies are chased around the club (all stopping to have another perv in the shower room along the way!) before they jump in the pool in a bid to escape.
 
Back at the office later, the Goodies are relieved that they escaped intact, while Bill enjoys the recollection that he got to hold the ladies off while the others got away - "It was beautiful!!". The Minister returns to collect the photos (still raving on about the blasted budgie!), and Tim hopes that she has learnt her lesson and won't go to the Playgirl Club again. She replies that she won't need to anymore now that she has met three lovely boys ("We do anything, anytime, hey ... Come to Prudence!"), which is enough to make the Goodies scramble out the door in a great rush. She opens the same door to reveal a scene of masses of people running away from King Kong, but walks through anyway and closes the door behind her.
 
CLASSIC QUOTES
 
* Graeme (about Tim's disappearance in the Playgirl Club): He's been gone a long time, hasn't he?!"
Bill: "Three weeks."
Graeme: "What do you think he's doing?"
Bill: "C'mon, what would you be doing if you were in a place like that, hey?!"
Graeme (shocked): "No he can't do that! Not when he's dragged up like Queen Victoria!"
 
* Tim (as Mitzi): "But our Wolves are supposed to be strong, virile and hairy."
Bill (grumpily): "Like you!"
 
* Tim (as Mitzi): "If you play your cards right with me, you'll have a job."
Bill (sarcastically): "You're telling me!"
 
CLASSIC SCENES
 
* Tim racing out of the office, down several flights of stairs and out across the road to a public phone booth to act as a lady consultant for the Minister, who is sitting in the Goodies office (beside their blow-up dolly secretary which slowly deflates), with Tim's Lady Constance voice frequently attracting the attention of a perplexed cop patrolling the beat past the phone box!
 
* Tim in the first of his many "gender bender" roles as the tarted up Mitzi at the Playgirl Club; firstly sneaking around by the swimming pool trying to look incognito, before checking out the towel-clad ladies in the sauna and ultimately needing a cold spray after catching sight of a row of naked sheilas in the shower area!
 
* Bill and Graeme trying various inventive ways of looking up girl's dresses in a bid to track down the red and green knicker-wearing Wolf Mother Miss Heifer, including the use of some very gymnastic bending and bobbing motions, dropping coins for the girls to pick up (which is abandoned after Bill gets to see more than he bargained for from one lady!), Graeme hiding in a below-pavement coal chute (until he gets a bag of coal dumped on him!), and finally the old "mirror on the shoe" trick which gets them in strife with a policewoman until she reveals her red and green knickers under her disguise.
 
* Bill and Graeme dressed up as Wolves at the Playgirl Club, with pointy ears, furry heart chest plates, padlock-shaped sporrans, and tails at the back which the ladies find irresistible to tweak!
 
GUEST STARS
 
Mollie Sugden, Liz Frazer, Queenie Watts, Pauline Devaney, Ericka Crowne, Bert Simms, Ernest Jenkins
 
GOODIES SONGS
 
The Goodies Theme
Needed
Nothing Like A Woman
 
MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS
 
Omar Khayyam Hospital
Sliced Butter & Extra Hard Bread
 
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
 
This is the only regular Goodies episode that has not been screened on UKTV, but a black & white copy does still exist. Worth watching just for the rarity factor alone, as well as Tim's first drag role (also a rarity because he was still very much "one of the boys" who had only dressed up to check out the ladies!) and some rather graphic shots (which would never have got by the ABC censor!), but the overall episode is rather patchy in quality, especially the closing few scenes.
 
RATING
 
II      Fair-y punkmother
 
BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:
 
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III   - Goody goody yum yum.
II    - Fair-y punkmother.
I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.
 
 
January Summary – "That Old Black Magic"
 
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Whack the diddle-o blue! Pull up a jumbuck and take the weight off ya billabongs 'coz THE GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARIES book is still available and hot off the presses! Even thicker than the SleepalongaMax volume 98 record collection and far easier to comprehend than Eddie Waring's rugby scores, THE GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARIES is jam packed with gibbon-loads of Goody things such as:
* detailed summaries for each of the 75 episodes of the show (including fully revised versions of the first 10 summaries printed in the newsletters)
* the lyrics of some classic Goodies songs.
* heaps of cool photos from actual episodes and publicity sessions.
* an episode guide/contents page and signed author's introduction.
* alphabetical indexes of guest stars, songs and mock advertisements.
Each book is spiral bound with a plastic cover and costs $20 plus postage of $4 within Australia and $14 overseas.
More information and details of how to place orders will eventually appear on the GROK website, but can be obtained for now by e-mailing Brett Allender at bretta@wimmera.com.au All profits from the book will go towards club activities such as the staging of future Goodies conventions, so why not be a sport and do yourself and the club a favour by ordering your copy of THE GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARIES today. You know it makes sense!
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7 CHRISTMAS GOODIES
 (by Lisa Manekofsky)
 
With the holiday season fast approaching I thought the Clarion & Globe readers might enjoy getting this recipe from our very own Tim Brooke-Taylor, as originally published in the "Children's All-Star Cook Book" (Dragon Books, Granada Publishing Ltd of London, 1984). Royalties from sales of this book were to go toward the purchase of extra educational and games equipment for the pupils of Battle Hill First School in Wallsend, North Tyneside.
 
For the benefit of our US readers, I have tried to provide appropriate conversions for measurements and some ingredients in brackets ([ ]).
 
Bon Appetit!
 
Tim Brooke-Taylor's Goody Goody Yum Yums
 
* 50g margarine   [3.5 tbs.]
* 50g soft brown sugar [3.5 tbs.]
* 1 dessertspoon golden syrup [2 teaspoons light corn syrup]
* 40g plain flour [just under 3 tbs. all-purpose flour]
* a pinch ginger
* 25g flaked almonds [1.75 tbs. or .88 ounces]
* 6 glacé cherries ­ chopped [candied cherries]
* 100g plain cooking chocolate [3.5 ounces]
 
Put the margarine, sugar, and syrup into a medium sized saucepan and put over a low heat to dissolve the sugar. Remove from the heat and using a wooden spoon beat in the flour, ginger, almonds and chopped cherries.
 
Cover a baking tray with greaseproof paper [wax paper] and rub a little butter on kitchen paper [a paper towel] over the greaseproof paper. Using a teaspoon put small amounts of the mixture well apart on the greaseproof paper ­ about the size of marbles. Bake in a slow oven (Gas No. 2 ­ 300 degrees F ­ 150 degrees C) for 1/2 hour. Leave to set for about 2 minutes and then using a palette knife lift on to a cooling wire.
 
Regrease the paper with butter and cook more biscuits. Break the chocolate into small pieces into a small bowl. Quarter fill a small saucepan with water and bring to the boil. Remove from the heat and sit the bowl of chocolate over the hot water. When it has melted, use a palette knife to spread the flat underside of each biscuit with the chocolate.
 
Approx. 26 biscuits
 
 
8. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
 
(a) Tim Brooke-Taylor
(b) he is on the phone to the National Gallery, hatching Graeme's 'subtle' ruse to get in to steal the art works
(c) Antiques (aka Culture For The Masses) from the second series.
(d) A skateboard destruction kit, which is immediately put to use on Bill's skateboard after he careers into the Christmas tree just as Graeme had finished decorating it.
(e) Tim's nuts are nicest!
(f) Rollerskating to Wembley and banging in a hat-trick, then licking the chocolate off two dozen Mars bars
(g) His belly button.
(h) By charging at Graeme in a fit of rage and flattening him with the stove (with cake inside!)
(i) Putting the clock forward by half a minute so that it looks like the end of the world at midnight is just a hoax.
 
Happy Earthanasia and a very Merry Christmas to all of you from the C&G Team!
 
NEXT EDITION: #61: January 12th 2001.
 
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The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2000. All rights reserved.
Permission to reproduce this work or any section of it, in any form must first be obtained from the copyright holders.
 
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