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C&G 62 Feb 2001
#62 Feb 2001 - Print Email PDF 
Posted by bretta 01/11/2006

Index

» #62 Feb 2001

 
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
 
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
.
Issue No. 62                     12th February 2001
 
 
CLUB WEBSITE
 
 
E-MAIL ADDRESSES
 
Newsletter enquiries: clarion@goodiesruleok.com
General enquiries: enquiries@goodiesruleok.com
 
POSTAL ADDRESS
 
'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 325
Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA
 
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
 
EDITOR
- Brett Allender
 
ACE REPORTER
- David Balston
 
FAB FEATURE WRITERS
- Lisa Manekofsky
- Kay Dickinson
 
QUOTEMASTER:
- Brian Labza
 
CROSSWORD WHIZ
- David McAnally
 
C&G CONTRIBUTORS:
 
Tim Brooke-Taylor, Andrew Buckley, Daniel Bowen, David Finch,
 
 
CONTENTS
 
1. QUIZ & QUOTE  - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you.
2. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.
3. SPOTTED!!!  - The latest Goodies sightings.
4. 2001 AND A BIT  - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
5. FEATURE ARTICLES
- (1) The Goodies – Nordic But Nice  
- (2) T'Lancastrian's Guide To T'Secrets Of Ecky Thump                                                                          
6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY 
 - For Those In Peril On The Sea
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS     
8. GOODIES CROSSWORD SOLUTION
.
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
 
QUOTE: "Ecoutez mon brave. Nous sommes les representatifs de la Grande Bretagne!"
(a) Which Goodie is responsible for this piece of fancy French?
(b) What was he trying to do in the process?
(c) What does he ultimately resort to when this dialogue fails?
(d) Which episode is this quote from?
 
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode "The Goodies – Almost Live".
(e) Which instrument does Tim expertly handle in "Please Let Us Play"?
(f) What is the name of the funky group that provide the weird dancing moves during "Poor Old Soul"?
(g) Which song features the reappearance of the Ecky Thump craze?
(h) Which song contains the line "And that buckin' bronco broke my buckin' back!"?
 
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
 
 
2. BOFFO IDEAS
 
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
 
 
ASK TIM A QUESTION!
 
Our resident Goodie, Tim Brooke-Taylor, has kindly agreed to another Question & Answer session for the C&G, however to date I've only received a handful of responses. One of the key pieces of feedback from T'Grand C&G Survey a few months ago was that club members were keen to read more input from the actual Goodies themselves if possible, so here's your opportunity to ask Tim that question about 'The Goodies' or one of his other projects which you've always longed for an answer to! Send your questions for Tim in to <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.
 
 
SIGNED PHOTOS
 
The remaining five signed Goodies group photos have now been sold. Apologies to the 20 or so other members who expressed interest in purchasing a group photo; however your names will be retained and you will be offered priority purchase if the fan club is able to obtain further signed group photos in the future.
 
Signed photographs of Graeme Garden are still available for purchase though. These are 13cm x 18cm (5x7) black and white portrait photos of Graeme post-Goodies (1990's) and are available for $15 each (including postage). Ordering information can be obtained via <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.
 
 
KITTEN KON VIDEO
 
No we haven't completely forgotten about it! Our hard-working production crew is doing an excellent job putting it together and it should be available around April for the first anniversary of this memorable Goodies convention. Watch this space for more details!
 
 
3. SPOTTED!!!
 
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
 
 
FUN AT THE FUNERAL PARLOUR
(by David Balston – posted to Goodies-l on January 16th)
 
Well Bill's episode of 'Fun at the Funeral Parlour has screened on BBC Choice and ... What a nice little show it was for Goodies spotters. Bill played himself, after confessing to a lady friend of his that he really hates birdspotting, she is killed in an unfortunate heron incident. Everyone claims to remember Bill best for Bananaman but when one of the funeral parlour staff mention the Goodies Bill says "This is not the appropriate time nor place to discuss the Goodies, alright. (and after a pause) Do you realise it's our 30th Anniversary? You'd think they'd shown a few repeats wouldn't you!" Later the progress of the funeral car was set to the Goodies music which included not a trandom but a tandom. Oh and you'll never guess what famous feline made an appearance at the end of the show.
 
I do hope this gets shown on BBC2, I would love to see Bill rant about the lack of repeats on Jane Root's station. It will be interesting to see if I like other Bill-less episodes as much
 
A clip of Bill is available at
 
 
VIDEO GOODIES … BOOM!
(by Daniel Bowen – posted to Goodies-l on January 18th)
 
At BlackStar.co.uk, Kitten Kong on video is on sale at UKP 5.39, and is
apparently number 17 in their charts!
 
 
 
WEB GOODIES
 
For an excellent article about the ITV series of The Goodies in 1982 and a classic photo of Graeme in "Robot", head to Daniel Bowen's website at:
 
 
4. 2001 AND A BIT
 
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays.
 
 
BILL ODDIE GOES WILD
 (by Andrew Buckley)
 
Bill is doing a show on BBC2 called "Bill Oddie Goes Wild". It's a country jaunt with Bill soaking in the countryside.
 
(and from Kay Dickinson – posted to Goodies-l on January 12th)
 
Just thought that those unable to get Bill's new nature series, "Bill Oddie Goes Wild" on their tellies would be amused by this little gem from tonight's programme.
 
Picture the sight of Bill in a shallow stream, wearing a pair of waders and "clomping around in a bovine manner", Moo-ing.
 
"Flipped, haven't I?" he says.... "I'm simulating a cow - that's SIM-ulating, not STIM-ulating!" 
 
He was apparently trying to attract medicinal leeches to stick to him. Hmmm!
 
 
JUST A MINUTE (OF MADNESS!)
(by Kay Dickinson – posted to Goodies-l on January 13th)
 
Found a website whilst browsing recently, dedicated to "Just A Minute", chaired by the delectable (*) Nicholas Parsons. There are four transcripts on the site starring Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor.
 
Addresses as follows:
 
Graeme Garden
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam6.html
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam22.html
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam41.html
 
Tim Brooke-Taylor
http://deanbedford.tripod.com/jam94.html
 
Sample quote from TBT:
 
TBT: Nicholas Parsons is witchcraft to me. When I see him on programmes I think to myself that man is inspired. He can cast a spell over me. And I look dumbfounded at someone who can carry on in such a brilliant witty...
 
Oh dear...... ;o)
 
(*) Editor's note: cough, splutter, gag, choke! In the words of John McEnroe: "You cannot be serious!!".Shame!
 
 
BILL'S OPEN HOUSE
(by David Balston – posted to Goodies-l on January 17th)
 
Bill is scheduled to be a special guest on 'Open House with Gloria
Hunniford' on Wednesday 24th January at 2.15pm on Channel 5.
 
 
I'M SORRY, IT'S BACK ON RADIO AGAIN!
 (by David Finch)
 
"I'm Sorry I'll Read that Again" - the wonder show of BBC Radio, the radio pre-cursor to The Goodies (also with John Cleese and writers including Eric Idle) - is on ABC National Radio at 5:30 AM on Tuesdays
 
 
A GOODIE SPOTTING!
 
Once again Tim-Brooke Taylor has excelled himself by contributing a spotting of his own work, this time at: www.bbc.co.uk/entertainment/sketchpad .
 
In Tim's own words: "Not great I admit. and the indignity of being the second person ever to do it - second to Nicholas Parsons. The shame of it."
 
Sadly I don't have the necessary software on my computer to view this heinous deed, but Tim also advises: "Only go there if you're really bored."!
 
 
5. FEATURE ARTICLES
 
(1) THE GOODIES – NORDIC BUT NICE.
(by Lisa Manekofsky)
 
Recently, someone sent me a tape containing a copy of “The Goodies - Almost Live” episode which had been recorded in Sweden from the BBC Prime satellite channel. Unfortunately, the person who taped the show forgot to turn off the Swedish subtitles until partway through the show. I quickly saw the humor value in being able to follow along in Swedish during the Goodies songs. Since I’m sure that many of the Clarion & Globe readers possess a similarly silly sense of humor, I thought I would write-up the Swedish subtitles from one of the songs for the newsletter. 
 
While working on this write-up I ran into one problem - the Swedish alphabet contains several special characters which are not part of the standard English alphabet. Since this newsletter is sent to most subscribers in plain text, I thought the best course of action was to substitute characters from the English alphabet (with apologies to any Swedish readers) and to explain the substitutions to the readers. Luckily, there were only 3 cases where this was necessary.
 
The substitutions are as follows:
* for the Swedish character which is a lower-case “a” with two dots over it (an umlaut) I have substituted an upper-case “a” (A)
* for the Swedish character which is a lower-case “o” with two dots over it (an umlaut) I have substituted an upper-case “o” (O)
* for the Swedish character which is a lower-case “a” with a small circle over it I have substituted an @ 
 
In order to make the substituted letters stand out I have not capitalized the first letter in each sentence. Other than this concession to clarity, the rest of the Swedish text is as it appears in the subtitled episode.
 
The following is the Goodies song “Please Let Us Play”, with each English verse followed by the Swedish translation as provided by BBC Prime. BTW, this song can be found on both the “Yum Yum! The Very Best of the Goodies” CD and on the recently released “Funky Gibbon” CD (as well as on several of the original Goodies records).
 
“Please Let Us Play”
copyright 1975 Oddsocks Music Ltd. 
 
I want to be a Rock and Roll singer
That’s what I’m longing to be
How about you? - if you fancy it too
You can accompany me
 
jag vill bOrja sjunga i rockband
det Ar vad jag allra helst vil
hur Ar det med dig? kan det vara din grej?
du kan hAnga p@ mig
 
We’ve not got very good voices
But that doesn’t matter a bit
If they let us
then I’m sure we could get us a hit
 
vi har inte sArskilt bra rOster
men det spelar ingen roll alls
f@r vi spela
s@ g@r nog allt som en vals
 
What a load of rubbish!
[no translation given]
 
Please let us play
No! No! No!
[Repeat 4 times]
 
ge oss en chans
Nej! Nej! Nej!
[Repeat 4 times]
 
We don’t want money
Just don’t send us away
 
vi krAver inga st@lar
snAlla bli v@ra fans
 
I can freak out on my drum kit
I can pick a funky banjo
We’ve got a man who’ll play a hot triangle
Come on everybody lets go!
 
jag kan spela p@ trummor
jag kan spela grymt p@ banjo
vi har en karl som spelar flera dar
kom igen allihopa! go go!
 
We’ve got to get a big time record
It’s gonna get us on the hit parade
But anyone who hears us
Covers up their ears and says
“What a load of rubbish!”
 
vi ska sAlja en massa skivor
vi m@ste hamna p@ listans topp
men de som hOr hur vi l@ter
vAnder sig och gr@ter nej nej
 
Please let us play
No! No! No!
[Repeat 4 times]
 
ge oss en chans
Nej! Nej! Nej!
[Repeat 4 times]
 
We don’t want money
Just don’t send us away
 
vi krAver inga st@lar
snAlla bli v@ra fans
 
Hit me with a heavy guitar
 
slAng p@ med lite gura!
 
Lay down the brass
 
bl@s i hornen!
 
Feed me some funky fiddle
 
flAska p@ med en fiol!
 
Now we’re Rock and Roll singers
Now we are superstars
We look so cute in our beautiful suits
And nobody knows who we are
 
nu sjunger vi i ett rockband
vi Ar stOrsta grabbarna hAr
stolt som en tjAder i nya klAder
fastAn ingen vet vem jag Ar
 
We’ve still got terrible voices
And we still can’t play, we admit
But everyone who hears us
Stands up and cheers - “it’s a hit!”
 
vi har inte mycket till rOster
vi kan inte spela en ton
men alla som oss hOr
sAger alla i kOr vilken hit
 
Please let us play
Yes! Yes! Yes!
[repeat 4 times]
 
ge oss en chans
Ja! Ja! Ja!
[repeat 4 times]
 
We’ve got money
And they don’t send us away
 
vi har st@lar
s@ alla Ar v@ra fans
 
 
(2) T'LANCASTRIAN'S GUIDE TO T' SECRETS OF ECKY THUMP
(by Kay Dickinson)
 
(fer Southern Jessies an' funny forrin-types)
 
As a Lancastrian (ah were born i'Bury - where t'black puddings come from, just up t'road from Rochdale) I'm often being asked to explain the 'Ecky Thump/Kung Fu Kapers Goodies episode. Do the sayings actually *mean* something? Do Lancastrians dress like that? And the most prevalent of all the questions - do they *really* talk like that? The answer, of course, is No. No, no, no! Well, yes.... but only a bit. Honestly. Allow me to elucidate....
 
The first point to make is that the "t" instead of "the" is wildly overpronounced - in fact, it's hardly pronounced at all in reality, just a slight glottal stop, and in front of words beginning with vowels, it's a "th". Apart from that, though, the accent is pretty much as it still is in deepest, darkest Lancashire.
 
As for the meanings of the sayings - they all do actually mean something (which is more than can be said of "pull up a jumbuck and take the weight off your billabongs!"), and quite a few of them are in general use - although I've yet to hear anyone talking about "tripe on t'pikelets" or "mitherin' clutterbucks" - but more of these later.
 
The best way to explain the whole episode is to go through it and tackle each bit as it comes along - this is now your excuse to dig out the video and watch it again.
 
To begin with, 'Ecky thump, by 'eck, eeh bah gum/goom - are general expressions of surprise or amazement. Would be used pretty much as an Aussie might use "strewth!" or an American, "Gee!" - and in reality, about as often!
 
The Lancastrian parts of the episode begin with Bill's trip across sand dunes, to the sound of mysterious Eastern music - which mutates into "Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside". The door of the "School of Ecky Thump" is opened by a stereotypical Lancastrian woman - the apron (or "pinny"), headscarf and rollers are what the fashion-conscious Northern woman is invariably to be found in, whilst if you find a bloke without his flat hat, baggy trousers almost up to his chest, held up with his braces and his clogs - well, he must be some funny foreigner from down South.
 
The tin bath and the outside loo are another Northernism. The north of England is hugely industrial and historically poor area of the country – the main employment areas were the cotton mills, the coal mines and the shipyards and northerners have always been viewed (especially by the posh lot in the south) as poor, common and rather thick. It actually wasn't that long ago that your weekly (if you were lucky) bath was taken in a tin bath in front of the fire - dad got the water first, then mum and the kids got dunked in lukewarm mud! Toilets were outside in the yard and often shared with the neighbours and the nightsoilman would call every so often to empty the cess pit. Traditionally, the loo was the only place a man could find any peace and quiet, so invariably, of a Sunday, he'd retire to "t'meditation room" to read the Sunday paper and get away from the kids.
 
The first (and to my mind, the best) of the Lancastrian quotes is uttered by T'Grand Master. Brett made a very commendable (and brave) stab at it in his episode guide, but the actual quote should be:
 
"There's nowt wrong wi' owt what mitherin' clutterbucks don't barley grummit!" An explanation of this is more difficult than actually saying it, but here goes....
 
Nowt = nothing; wi = with; 'owt = something or anything; clutterbucks = idiots; barley = barely; grummit = understand/know about.
 
Mitherin' requires a bit more explanation. Pronounced my-ther, it's a word that doesn't have an exact equal in any other language I know of! Essentially, it means to harass or bother someone to the point of exasperation or can be used as a noun to mean "trouble". It's an extremely good word to use of what children do all the time - after little Johnny has pestered for sweets for the 20th time, you'd hear his beleaguered mother snap, "will you stop your bloody mithering!" or you might find someone at the pub, having had a few too many, "looking for a bit of mither".
 
Anyway, this therefore means that the phrase is "There's nothing wrong with anything that pestering idiots barely understand." Doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? Having said that, I can quite honestly say that I've never heard anyone actually say it!
 
Another point from that section of the episode is that the music being played in the background is the original tune of "Ilkla Moor Bah't at" – for anyone with a copy of "Distinctly Oddie" you'll know that another version is in existence! Ilkla Moor Bah't at is a traditional (and very strange) Yorkshire song (so what it's doing in a Lancastrian context is beyond me) which asks "Where hast been since ah saw thee? On Ilkla Moor Bah't at" - Where have you been since I saw you? On Ilkley Moor without a hat. Told you it was strange! Mind you, Rochdale isn't too far from the border with Yorkshire (where men are men and sheep are scared) so I'll let that one go. Lancastrians and Yorkshiremen enjoy a renowned hate-hate relationship which dates back to the "Wars of the Roses" and is still continued today with the cricket. The highest form of insult you can give a Lancastrian is to call him a Yorkie - and presumably vice-versa.
 
On to the Lancastrian food served up. Presumably due to the extreme poverty of many people in the past, northerners were well known for eating everything of the animal save for the squeak/moo. Strangely, many people acquired a taste for it and still pay good money to eat things you'd balk at giving to a starving dog!
 
Take away meals have always been wrapped up in newspaper - I don't know why, presumably it's cheap, gives you something to read whilst you're eating, and more importantly, gives you something to chuck up into after you've finished. Black pudding is a delicacy traditionally made in the Lancastrian town of Bury and made up of congealed pigs' blood and large lumps of pig fat. The conventional shape of a black pud isn't the long stick shown in the episode but a horseshoe shape, sliced in half lengthways and smothered in mustard (see www.blackpudding.co.uk for examples if you can stomach it) - of course, this is absolutely no good for hitting people with. Ironically, you can nowadays buy a "healthy, low-fat" alternative, which somehow defeats the whole object of eating the things - can't wait for the vegetarian version!
 
Tripe is the revolting, white, rubbery lining of a cow's stomach – and because a cow has four stomachs, you can tuck into a variety of four different kinds of tripe, one of which is honeycombed and you're supposed to drench it in vinegar so that it gets caught in the honeycombed bits.
 
Chip butties are a little easier to stomach - though only just! I did once send a chip butty recipe round the Goodies-l mailing list, which has been reproduced at the end of this article - so get frying and try them out for yourselves!
 
"A piece o' parkin for afters" - parkin is a sweet and sickly, but rather dry, cake made of treacle (black molasses).
 
A couple of things to notice here, too - this is the only time we see Bill in the Grand Master's hat - he wears t'at of a Master later on, and t'at of a novice on the march. The mats laid out for t'disciples to be thrown onto look suspiciously similar to those that Tim and Graeme were doing kung-fu on at the beginning, too!
 
As an aside to the Lancastrian theme here, we never see Tim's Uncle Taffy, the master of the Welsh martial art of "Yach-y-daa". Yach-y-daa, or rather "Iechyd da" is Welsh for "good health" or "cheers", so Uncle Taffy was probably practising down the pub - either that, or it was a mispronunciation of "iechydfa", which is a Welsh funny farm!
 
On the Nationwide piece, Rochdale is far from being any sort of beauty spot, though Bill may have been able to find some interesting birds on the rubbish tips and sewage farms! A point to note about the psychologist - the bash on the head from the black pudding obviously puts paid to his promising career, as he appears in series 6 as the weatherman in Hype Pressure!
 
The Lancashire front room is another stereotypical northern parlour – the room where visitors were received as opposed to the sitting room to the rear of the house. T'Grand Master Ee Bah Goom plays the theme tune to the Lancashire/Manchester soap, Coronation Street on his tin whistle whilst "Flippin' eck" uses the wash tub as a gong. The wash tub doubled as a tub to wash your clothes in and a bath for exceptionally mucky children to be washed in outside of their weekly bath.
 
This is where several Lancastrianisms that are in general use come into the episode. "Was tha born in a barn? Shove wood i'th'ole - it's reet parky!" Or something along those lines was often yelled at me as a child, although the phrase, "was born in a barn?" usually sufficed. "Reet parky", by the way, means "right cold".
 
"Grand" is a word used to describe something good, or great - "gradely" is another word that means pretty much the same. "Sup up" and "daft beggars" are also often used and fairly self explanatory, whilst "reet chuffed" means "really pleased".
 
"Not fer all th'ot pot in Oswaldtwistle!" Hot Pot is another traditional Lancashire dish - and far more palatable than most of the fare that's been mentioned so far. It's something between a stew and a casserole and made up of cubes of beef and potato and eaten with picked red cabbage or beetroot. Local pubs have now ponsified it and given it either a pastry crust or a sautéed potato topping served in an individual pie dish. I'm not sure if it was originally from Oswaldtwistle or whether it was just an excuse to get a silly place name into the dialogue - Oswaldtwistle is a small town near to Blackburn and comes a close second to Ramsbottom in the silly name league.
 
"Whilst there's tripe on t'pikelets, there's nowt wrong wi' owt" – why anyone would want to put tripe on their pikelets, or pyclets as the old spelling seems to have been, is as much a mystery as why anyone would want to eat cows innards in the first place. Pikelets were traditionally a thin crumpet-like circular thing with little holes where the butter would melt through and drip all over your clothes, though you don't seem to be able to get old style pikelets any more. Using your now expert knowledge of Lancastrian, you can translate the rest for yourselves!
 
"I'll tell yer summat else..." - summat is another word often used instead of "something" - and I'll tell yer summat else - Tim's rendition of a Lancastrian accent in "Peckinpah's Perfect Puddings - None Blacker" wasn't bad at all. So spread that on yer parkin and munch it!
 
 
Lancastrian Recipe for Chip Butties
 
Firstly, have we established that by "chips" we mean big thick slices of fried potato, rather than the things we (in the UK) call "crisps"? Good. Then I shall elucidate....
 
Take your gibbon.... no, wrong recipe....
First, peel two shepherd... nope...
 
Aha! Chip butties..... chop your peeled spuds into huge thick slices and deep fry in t'chip pan til either your house sets on fire or the chips are golden brown (with mysterious burnt bits of god-knows-what stuck to them), whichever comes first.
 
Slice your barm cakes (soft bread rolls) and slap butter (or marg if you're a cheapskate - soft marg is always best, but be careful when opening your fridge to get it) onto both sides until it's thick enough to write your name in it. If you can't write your name, an X will do...
 
Take t'chips out of t'chip pan but DON'T drain them or put them onto kitchen roll - this will spoil the flavour and you will lose the health benefits of the fat. Whilst t'chips are still dripping (if they've stopped, dunk 'em back into t'chip pan) slap 'em into your butty and vigorously squash the two halves together until the butter/marg melts and both it and the grease seeps through to your fingers. Open the butty again and soak with salt and vinegar. Don't do this pre-squashing, as it doesn't soak through the same. If you MUST, you can use tomato or brown sauce, but this tends to sully the texture and flavour of the butty.
 
Also, resist the temptation to remove the burnt bits from the chips – this wastes time and precious fat will be lost. They also add extra crunch and give you something to pick out of your teeth for hours afterwards. Soft southerners will, at this stage, produce a knife and slice their butty in half for ease of eating. The proper Northern way is to grab your butty in both hands and lunge at it, thus covering your entire face in a coating of buttery grease. Very good for the skin. This will usually result in the butter dribbling down your chin and dripping onto your shirt. The benefit here is threefold - firstly, you will be able to smell the alluring odour of congealed greasy chips for hours, thus reminding you of your fabulous meal and making everyone else you meet hungry, secondly, if need be, you have a handy stash of grease to use in future culinary delights and lastly, you can use it to test the claims of your local friendly Fairy Puff Man later (and batter hell out of him when it doesn't get the stains out!)
 
Don't worry if any of your chips fall from your butty in the process of eating it - you can either pick 'em back up (they'll now have extra flavour) or you can spend endless hours watching old grannies slipping and falling over on them! (this is where the amount of grease you've used can come in very useful - it increases both the slipperiness and how long they stay slippery - have bets with your mates on how many grans you can knobble!)
 
 
6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY
 (by Brett Allender)
 
FOR THOSE IN PERIL ON THE SEA
 
Series 3, Episode 5
 First transmitted: 4th March 1973
 
PLOT
 
Graeme sits in the bathtub and reads a tale about early Viking exploration, but Bill is more intent on removing the plug (which puts Graeme's model Viking boat in serious peril) while Tim searches for the culprit who nicked his rubber duck. Undeterred, Graeme tells them the story of the Lost Island Of Munga which was firstly discovered by the Vikings, then by the French (who blew it twice around the moon by detonating a H-bomb on it!) and now lies somewhere in the South Pacific waiting to be rediscovered.
 
Tim patriotically urges that they must find the lost island for England (so that the natives can be taught how to beat the Poms at cricket!), but is less enthused when told that it will be dangerous. Graeme has spent all their savings on a replica of the early Viking craft and they get a royal sendoff (by Her children - without any Goon impressions, foxes or sportscars either!) from Southampton with Graeme dressed as a Viking (though looking more like a cow!) and Bill as a pirate with a massive vulture on his shoulder.
 
After forty days at sea they are becalmed and lost somewhere in the steaming heat of the Pacific. Lou the vulture is looking decidedly unwell, as Graeme and Tim have relieved their hunger by eating him on the sly, much to Bill's disgust. Although they gun down an albatross and get an emergency parachute landing from a flying fish, they still make a swim for the first boat that they see - a huge oil tanker spewing vast amounts of filthy black oil into the crystal clear Pacific Ocean.
 
On board, the Goodies meet the oil millionaire Stavros Monopolopolous, who is being tended to by several beautiful girls and his thick offsider Gerald. He tells them his sad story and how he enjoys pouring oil into the sea and killing hundreds of fish, but his suspicion that they are not humble shipwrecked sailors is aroused by their non-recognition of bellbottoms, then confirmed when they are unable to get through a rendition of 'There Is Nothing Like A Dame' and they are forced to walk the plank.
 
The Goodies are washed up onto the beach of Munga and construct a grass hut (with a veritable carpentry shop of tools also found on the shore), but are bemused to see a line of native girls peeling potatoes and pouring baskets of chips into the sea. They discover a tourist office and inside they find an evil property developer who reminds them of the oil millionaire and also the Music Master and he reveals his true identity of Nasty Person - the Prince Of Mischief and Master Of Disguises (Sussex University!) His grand plan is to fill the ocean with oil, fish and potatoes, then strike a match ("boom, burn, frizzle, fry ... fish and chips!") to feed the 8000 visitors to his planned monstrous holiday resort - the Costa Munga.
 
Graeme tricks Nasty Person into hiding in a cupboard, then locks it and the Goodies perform a dance with the natives to summon up a mighty storm to scare away the tourists. Everything gets blown away (including the figurine ducks on the wall of the office) and the Goodies and the native girls are adrift on rafts in the midst of the wild storm and battle sharks, giant lobsters and their own clumsiness when they continually fall off their raft. When the storm subsides, they find themselves back at Southampton and go home to change out of their damp clothes. The dry gear is supposedly in their new-found cupboard, but it only contains a soggy, shivering Nasty Person with a fish in his mouth.
 
CLASSIC QUOTES
 
* Tim: (horrified at the sight of Bill's vulture) "What's that on your shoulder?!"
Bill: (ruefully) "Oh, he hasn't done it again, has he!"
 
* The Queen: (on her answering service) "If you want us to attend any fetes, bazaars or boat launchings ... get knotted!"
 
* Graeme: (narrating) "Forty days out. We have been blown off course; we are lost. So far, everything going as expected."
 
* Nasty Person: "Gerald, a word in your ear ..."
Gerald: "Oh, is dere boss?!" (taps his head and sticks his finger into his ear)
 
CLASSIC SCENES
 
* Bill dressed up as a pirate with a vulture on his shoulder (he did have a parrot, but it's inside the vulture!), a hook full of unpaid bills as his hand and a leg from Tim's desk strapped to his knee as his wooden leg.
 
* The boat launching with Princess Anne swinging the magnum of champagne and bowling over the Goodies, the brass band, Prince Charles and finally herself, before sending the viking craft underway with a poke of the foot. She is still swinging from the bottle when the Goodies return from their expedition several weeks later.
 
* The Goodies attempting to prove that they are sailors with a rousing rendition of 'There Is Nothing Like A Dame' before running out of puff right at the end - with Nasty Person gleefully saying "that last note always sorts them out!" when they fail the test!
 
* Their arrival and exploration of the Lost Island Of Munga to the catchy tune of Desert Island, including Tim milking a coconut, finding jellyfish on the beach in assorted flavours, clams squirting Bill and attacking Tim, Bill having hammock trouble, Graeme finding a pineapple hand grenade and a shark chasing Bill all the way up the beach and through the hut.
 
GUEST STARS
 
Henry McGee, Norman Mitchell, The Fred Tomlinson Singers
 
GOODIES SONGS
 
There Is Nothing Like A Dame
Desert Island
Storm
 
MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS
 
Heenz Meenz Beenz - "The Best Poem I Know"
Animal Burgers
 
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
 
An interesting episode with sendups of a variety of themes including Viking exploration, royal boat launchings, lost at sea, South Seas musicals, desert islands etc. The re-appearance of the Music Master as Nasty Person and his dopey offsider Gerald also provides some extra entertainment.
 
RATING
 
III     Goody goody yum yum
 
BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:
 
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III   - Goody goody yum yum.
II    - Fair-y punkmother.
I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.
 
 
March Summary
"Way Outward Bound"
 
 
7 QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
 
(a) Graeme Garden
(b) He is attempting to enter the Goodies into the Le Mans car race
(c) An Eddie Waring impression when the French race organisers still can't figure out that he is from Great Britain.
(d) The Race – series 4.
(e) A triangle
(f) Pan's Grannies
(g) Black Pudding Bertha
(h) Cactus In My Y-Fronts
 
 
8. GOODIES CROSSWORD SOLUTION
(by David McAnally)
 
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NEXT EDITION: #63: March 12th 2001.
 
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