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C&G 69 Sep 2001
#69 Sep 2001 - Print Email PDF 
Posted by bretta 08/11/2006

Index

» #69 Sep 2001

 
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
 
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
.
Issue No. 69                      12th September 2001
 
 
CLUB WEBSITE
 
 
E-MAIL ADDRESSES
 
Newsletter enquiries: clarion@goodiesruleok.com
General enquiries: enquiries@goodiesruleok.com
 
POSTAL ADDRESS
 
'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 325
Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA
 
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
 
 
EDITOR
- Brett Allender
 
ACE REPORTERS
- David Balston
- Lisa Manekofsky
 
FAB FEATURE ARTICLE CONTRIBUTOR
- Marilyn Burge
 
C&G CONTRIBUTORS
- Brian Labza, Daniel Bowen
 
 
CONTENTS
 
1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you.
2. BOFFO IDEAS -  Club happenings and ideas.
3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings
4. 2001 AND A BIT – Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
5. FEATURE ARTICLE  - Top Billing! - a 1987 interview with Bill Oddie
6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY  - The Stone Age
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS       
.
. 
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
 
QUOTE: "I'm going for my Cheering Up Lonely Young Housewives Whose Husbands Are Away At Work badge!"
(a) Which Goodie made this quote?
(b) Which badge involved the use of a Nicholas Parsons mask?
(c) Which episode is the above quote from?
 
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode "A Kick In The Arts"
(d) For which worthy cause does Tim conduct a "Pro Celebrity Sports Night"?
(e) How much money does he raise for this cause?
(f) Which Australian character does Graeme evolve into?
(g) Which notorious criminal does Tim evolve into?
 
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
 
 
2. BOFFO IDEAS
 
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
 
GOODIES MERCHANDISE
 
By far the most frequent request received here at the C&G is "What Goodies merchandise is available and where can I obtain it from?" The following guide is by no means exhaustive, but should provide a starting point for anyone seeking to expand their collection of Goodies merchandise.
 
VIDEOS:
 
The BBC has only released two videos of Goodies episodes to date.
* Kitten Kong, Scatty Safari, Scoutrageous (red cover)
* Goodies And The Beanstalk, The End, OK Tea Rooms (purple cover)
Available from:
- Online - link from http://www.goodiesruleok.com  "stuff" page (via Blackstar)
- Australia - ABC Shop outlets and most larger stores, eg Target, K Mart, etc
- UK - Blackstar - http://www.blackstar.co.uk  
- North America - Brits http://www.britsusa.com  - tapes in NTSC format.
 
There is also a rare video tape which features four episodes from the LWT series in 1981/1982.
* Football Crazy, Robot, Bigfoot, Change Of Life
This is no longer available commercially, however at least two Australian video stores did have copies available for rental back in 1997 and might still do so today:
- Network Video, Manchester Road, Mooroolbark, Victoria
- Blockbuster Video, High Street, Penrith, New South Wales
 
Obtaining videos of the remaining Goodies episodes is a matter of private arrangement between individual club members who have access to taped copies of these episodes from television screenings. The fan club cannot offer a video taping service for obvious legal and copyright reasons and takes no responsibility for any private trading that does take place between club members.
 
CDS
 
Two CDs of Goodies songs are currently available:
* 'Yum Yum - The Very Best Of The Goodies' (Music Club MCCD 294)
* 'Funky Gibbon - The Best Of The Goodies' (Castle Pie PIESD 243)
'Funky Gibbon' has 4 less tracks than 'Yum Yum' and no different ones.
Available from:
- Online - CD Now http://www.cdnow.com  and Amazon http://www.amazon.com  
- try your local music store - they should be able to order copies in.
 
RECORDS
 
Original Goodies albums from the 1970's include:
* 'The Goodies Sing Songs From The Goodies'
* 'The New Goodies LP'
* 'The Goodies Greatest'
* 'Nothing To Do With Us'
* 'The Goodies Beastly Record'
* 'The Goodies Greatest Hits'
* plus numerous singles.
These are no longer available commercially however they occasionally become available for purchase from auction sites like Ebay http://www.ebay.com  or other second hand music dealers.
 
BOOKS BY THE GOODIES
 
Four main books were released by The Goodies during the 1970's:
* 'The Goodies Annual 1974'
* 'The Goodies File' (1975)
* 'The Goodies Book Of Criminal Records' (1975)
* 'The Making Of The Goodies Disaster Movie' (1977)
Again, these are no longer available commercially however they are sometimes available for purchase from the Bibliofind search site which is now part of Amazon http://www.amazon.com  
 
BOOKS ABOUT THE GOODIES
 
* 'The Complete Goodies' by Robert Ross.(Batsford Books 2000 ISBN 0 7134 8575 2)
Available from:
- Online - Amazon http://www.amazon.com  
- Australia - can be ordered through Collins Bookstores (and possibly through ABC Shops)
 
* 'The Goodies Episode Summaries' by Brett Allender
- http://www.goodiesruleok.com  "stuff" section.
 
* 'The Goodies Fact File' by Matthew K. Sharp
For more information:
 c/o Laugh Magazine, P.O.Box 394, Caulfield East VIC 3145, Australia
 
FAN CLUB MERCHANDISE
 
* Goodies t-shirts - http://www.goodiesruleok.com  "stuff" section
* Episode summary book - http://www.goodiesruleok.com  "stuff" section
* Signed photographs of Graeme Garden - for more information, e-mail clarion@goodiesruleok.com
 
The fan club is currently investigating the possibility of producing Goodies baseball jackets (for approx $200) if there is sufficient interest among club members. For more information please contact Richard Nolan at kergulen@bigpond.com
 
A range of novelty merchandise was also produced for the Kitten Kon convention last year, including commemorative t-shirts, Goodies badges, black puddings, Nicholas Parsons masks etc. While these are not available at present, they will be produced again in the future when a convention or get-together is next held.
 
 
GOODIES CDS ABOUND IN MELBOURNE
 
As further evidence that Goodies CDs are available from local music stores, here are a couple more sightings from C&G contributors:
 
* For those in the Melbourne area, the Hipper CD shop (at Southbank) has more stocks of the Goodies Funky Gibbon CD for $10 - about 75 copies at last count - someone must be really clearing out the warehouse!! (Brian Labza - 30th August)
 
* If you're in Melbourne and want the Yum Yum CD, the last time I was in JB HiFi in Elizabeth Street they had several copies, at around $18. (Daniel Bowen - 31st August)
 
 
CLUES FOR CHRISTMAS GIFTS
 (by Lisa Manekofsky)
 
In "Earthanasia" Tim says that everybody gets socks for Christmas. Well, if you're looking for something a little different for those Tim, Graeme and Bill fans on your shopping list (or even as a treat for yourself!), you'll be pleased to hear that several new books and audio cassette sets are available now or are due to be released by the end of October.
 
* For the "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" fans there's a newly issued box set called the "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again Collection" (ISBN: 0563535571). I believe this is a repackaging of the four previously released double-cassette ISIRTA sets. The Collection has a suggested retail price of £29.99.
 
"I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" fans have a greater variety of new items to choose.
 
* First up is "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Christmas Clue" (ISBN: 056353550), which is scheduled to be released on 7 October 2001. This set will contain four seasonal editions of the programme which were first broadcast in 1993, 1995, 1999 and 2000.
 
The suggested retail price is £9.99. However, I'd like to alert readers to the fact that I stumbled upon a second set with the same name and the identical content description on amazon.co.uk. This second set is ISBN: 056353551 (one digit higher than the other set) and has a suggested retail price of £12.99. I was going to write to Amazon to point out the problem but, frankly, I was afraid they might delete the less expensive set. I don't know if there's a similar problem with any other vendor; I checked a few I am aware of but they didn't even list the Christmas set yet. If you do decide to order from amazon.co.uk, make sure you don't mistakenly pay an extra £ 3.00 for the set! (BTW, if anyone is aware of any actual difference between the two sets please let us know; otherwise, I'm confident that one of these listings is in error).
 
* Another audio offering from ISIHAC is the "I'm Sorry I Haven't Got a Clue Collection 2" (ISBN: 0563535709), which I believe will be a box set offering repackaged versions of the previously released ISIHAC Volumes 4, 5, and 6. This set is scheduled for release on 1 October 2001 and carries a suggested list price of £22.50.
 
* Hot off the presses is the paperback edition of "The Little Book of Mornington Crescent" (ISBN: 0752844229). The suggested retail price is £4.99
 
* Coming on 18 October 2001 is the new hardcover book "Stovold's Mornington Crescent Almanac 2002" (ISBN: 0752847295). The suggested list price is £6.99. The following synopsis of the book appears on-line: "As certain as the changing of the seasons, the new edition of Stovold's Almanac heralds the forthcoming season with a review of all things Mornington Crescent over the previous year. The third millennium proves no exception on this account, as the famous muddy-orange volume clocks up another year. Yet the 2002 edition, the 143rd, is something special in that this year's contributions include a retrospective on the career of retired Grand Master Raymond Crabbit. As always this new edition features the usual array of articles, facts, figures , reports and miscellany, all edited in a meticulous but lively manner by Graeme Garden. There is a look back at the 2001 convention in England, and a moving tribute to the late great West Indian Malcolm Herbert Lofthouse, the creator of the Camden Corner Triple Play."
 
Happy shopping!
 
 
3. SPOTTED!!!
 
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
 
TOP 50 TV CHARACTERS
(by Brett Allender)
 
In the TV Guide section of the Melbourne Herald-Sun on August 29th, an attempt was made at listing the Top 50 TV characters to enter our homes and hearts over the years. Like all lists, it was very much a matter of the writer's personal opinion and therefore open to much debate and criticism, however it did at least acknowledge a very wide range of memorable tv personalities including many puppet and cartoon figures.
 
While Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) predictably secured the top position - "Anyone who attacks his conked-out car with a tree has to be a TV superhero" - it was pleasing to at least see The Goodies remembered, even though Bill Oddie rated at a rather lowly #29 - "The bearded Goodie, and the goodest Goodie. No one has ever managed to sing 'Funky Gibbon' quite like Bill" Hear hear!
 
Sadly Tim and Graeme didn't make the top 50, although Graeme can probably claim some credit for Kermit the Frog being rated at #20 after brilliantly exposing the "real Kermit" in 'Earthanasia'! The only other character mentioned with a Goodies connection was Doctor Who, which also rated surprisingly low at #28.
 
For the record, the Top 10 characters were Basil Fawlty - 'Fawlty Towers' (John Cleese), Alex P. Keaton - 'Family Ties' (Michael J. Fox), Amanda Woodward - 'Melrose Place' (Heather Locklear), Big Bird - 'Sesame Street', Dave Sullivan - 'The Sullivans' (Paul Cronin), Charlene & Scott - 'Neighbours' (Kylie Minogue & Jason Donovan), Arthur Daley - 'Minder' (George Cole), J.R. Ewing - 'Dallas' (Larry Hagman), Frank Spencer - 'Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em' (Michael Crawford) and Captain "Hawkeye" Pierce - 'M.A.S.H.' (Alan Alda). I'm sure there's a place for a Goodie or three ahead of some of those choices!
 
 
4. 2001 AND A BIT
 
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays.
 
STUFF, NONSENSE AND BBC COMEDY AWARDS
 (by David Balston - contributed to Goodies-L on September 3rd)
 
Graeme will be presenting Radio 4's archive hour "Stuff and Nonsense" 8pm
Saturday 8th September.
 
The BBC say this.
 
Graeme Garden presents an hour of nonsense - from French medieval poetry to
Eddie Izzard - in an attempt to understand what is so funny about not making
sense.
 
He explores the influence of nonsense poetry, from Dada to Monty Python.
 
With contributions from Jonathan James-Moore, Hugh Haughton and Simon
Warner, and archive recordings of Robert Benchley, Spike Milligan, Ivor
Cutler and Stanley Unwin.
 
Later that night on BBC Choice Graeme pops up again as a judge at 'The BBC
New Comedy Awards Grand Final' at 11pm and repeated Tuesday 11th September
at 11pm.
 
Digiguide says this.
 
Nine finalists, chosen from a thousand other up-and-coming comics from
across the country, compete for a cash prize and an opportunity to work on
BBC Choice. Hosted by Ross Noble, with judges Graeme Garden, Helen Lederer,
Ralf Little, Sean Lock and Nina Wadia. This show is repeated Saturday morning (or Friday night whichever way you look at it) 15th September at 00.05 on BBC1.
 
 
WILLIE WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
 (by Lisa Manekofsky)
 
A 30th Anniversary Edition of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" has just been released on video in the United States. The DVD version includes a scene selection menu from which you can go directly to selected points in the film, including the scene in which Tim Brooke-Taylor appears. His scene is identified in the menu by a photo of Tim (a still frame from the film).
 
Another feature of this DVD is a full-length audio commentary by the "Wonka Kids". Julie Dawn Cole (who played Veruca Salt) is the primary one commenting during Tim's scene. This is an edited version of her comments - she had a few false starts due to interruptions by the other actors saying things like "really" and "I didn't know that", as well as plenty of laughter. I've edited those out so this reads more clearly (this explains why the wording might sound a bit awkward).
 
 Julie says, "This is lovely Tim Brooke-Taylor, who's well known in England for the series 'The Goodies', which was a huge cult series. And we did a play together two years ago. I asked him [about] this apparently this was the last scene to be shot and he said he had arrived in Munich [where the filming was taking place] and all the suitcases were in the corridor and it was like everyone [was saying] 'yeah, yeah, just do it, just do it, we're leaving' and he felt a great sense of deflation where really nobody was interested in this scene at all. The suitcases were there with the luggage labels on, ready to go. And he just felt he had to do it really quick and not hold anybody up."
 
 
NUTS, NUTS, HAZELNUTS!
 (by Lisa Manekofsky)
 
Bill Oddie was heard briefly on BBC Radio 4 News on 5 September 2001 during a report on a survey about to be undertaken to help preserve the dormouse. Volunteers were being issued with magnifying glasses in order to detect the telltale teeth marks of dormice on the shells of discarded hazelnuts, their staple food (since the animals themselves are very hard to spot). The volunteers will send "suspect nuts" to experts who will check whether they have in fact been nibbled by dormice, to help identify areas inhabited by the animals. The information collected will then be used to help develop a national dormice action plan to help save dormice from extinction.
 
During the report the newsreader said, "The naturalist and comedian Bill Oddie says the nut survey launched today will give thousands of volunteers the opportunity to help preserve one of Britain's rarest mammals." We then hear from Bill, who says, "One of the better things about surveys like this is that people on a grand scale, because there's masses of us out there, can contribute really, really vital scientific information which can help preserve a wonderful animal and hopefully actually spread a wonderful animal even further."
 
 
LITTLE'UNS
 
* Bill Oddie's appearance on 'Vic Reeves Examines' was repeated on digital tv channel UK Play at 19.30 on Saturday 11th August (David Balston)
 
* On an ever ending cycle of repeats, 'Married With Children - The England Show' featuring Bill received another airing at 8pm on three consecutive nights (15th-17th August) with a repeat (Sky Digital Only) the following day at 12.30pm on the Paramount Comedy Channel. (David Balston)
 
* On Thursday 16th August Bill's appearance in 'Fun at the Funeral Parlour' was on at 9pm, 11.35pm and 2.05am on Play UK. (David Balston)
 
* 'The Right Time' (a comedy sketch show) continues with Graeme making an appearance in the final two shows (or at least the final two to be recorded) on Tuesdays at 6.30pm on Radio 4. (David Balston)
 
Bill's wildlife show 'Bill Oddie Goes Wild' is repeated from Tuesday 11th
September at 7.30pm on BBC2. (David Balston)
 
 
5. FEATURE ARTICLE
 
TOP BILLING!
(contributed by Marilyn Burge)
 
From the English Women's Weekly - January 1987
 
Lovable Bill Oddie has discovered a cure for middle-age blues - fatherhood for the third time! Anna Preece visited the ex-Goodie at home and asked him about family life, ornithology and his current career.
 
Baby Oddie giggles gleefully. Perched on Father's drum kit, fourteen-month-old Rosie is pulling leaves off a much prized pot plant. Goody, goody, what a game!
 
Chubby cheeked, blonde-haired and kitted out in bright red, the little girl comes across as the very picture of innocence - until you take a closer look at her wide-awake eyes. Mischief is written there. It's evident she's inherited father Bill Oddie's irrepressible sense of fun.
 
He, meanwhile, gazes across adoringly, the first to admit he dotes on his tiny daughter. The ex-Goodie is now forty-five. The familiar whiskers are bordered by grey. But the comic blood remains in his veins. Boyish good humour is still his trademark.
 
To play the parental role again at this stage in his life is an unexpected joy, he says. He already has two daughters from his first marriage, but was more than a little apprehensive at the prospect of producing another child after he married thirty-three year old Laura Beaumont three years ago.
 
"The truth is I was terrified", he reveals. "I could only recall the bad aspects - the sleepless nights and nappies. But Rosie's a brilliant baby. She sleeps right through the night mostly, without any bother. She's so sweet. It's as if she senses poor old Dad couldn't cope otherwise!"
 
" Incredibly I even had a phantom pregnancy - morning sickness, the lot, and I went through phases when I was quite worried and depressed. I kept thinking about being ancient when Rosie was only just growing up. I still wish I was ten years younger."
 
He laughs and Rosie laughs with him, for although he bemoans middle age, there's a natural exuberance about Bill Oddie that makes him a favourite with children.
 
It's a fact he was barely aware of until he began working with them on the television show "From The Top" which he and Laura wrote jointly.
 
Watching him in the second series of Central's popular show which was on our small screens at the end of last year, one sees a warm and easy rapport there that stems from mutual affection, trust and respect. Working with youngsters has been a revelation, he says.
 
"Most actors dread this situation in case the children steal the limelight. But I've discovered I'd much rather work with children than adults."
 
"People often knock teenagers, but in my experience this age is one of the best periods in terms of sharpness and receptiveness. And not only do they learn rapidly, they're free from self-consciousness too, when it comes to performing. If they fluff a line they just shrug and do it again - unlike many so-called professionals!"
 
The idea for the show - which first went out in 1985 and was repeated in 1986 after a second series had been commissioned - came from Laura's own experiences at drama school.
 
Unlike Bill, who cut his artistic teeth via University Footlights productions during his days at Cambridge, Laura came from a theatrical background: her mother was actress Sally Barnes. So Laura and her two brothers were sent at an early age to develop their talents under the eagle eye of experts.
 
The two boys shone, but Laura's memories of that period were not happy ones. "I lost a lot of confidence. I was a fat, spotty child and was only considered for parts that required plain children. I started stage school at thirteen and left five years later - not a minute too soon, as far as I was concerned."
 
"One day I was recalling those times and telling Bill anecdotes about life at stage school when it suddenly occurred to us what a perfect setting it would be for a comedy drama."
 
Laura had already broken away from acting and into the writing world with a comedy that had won a "Fringe First" award at the Edinburgh Festival. But it was their first writing venture as a team.
 
"We wanted to do something fairly silly which also involved music and dancing because Bill is so good at writing songs. We each wrote three shows for the first series and for the second. They're similar in style, so you can't tell the difference. But we tease each other when lines get cut, depending on who the victim is that week!"
 
They've also written a couple of books together, one based on "From The Top". "The only trouble is, people tend to assume the writing all comes from Bill and that I'm just a token partner because I'm his wife. That gets frustrating. I feel I have to do that much more to be recognised in my own right."
 
Fortunately, Bill is her biggest fan and encourager. "I'm tremendously proud of her and very lucky", he says eagerly. "She is prolific with ideas and we work very well together. We're both pretty silly, though there's no doubt she's sillier than I am."
 
"We're well matched. I've been in the business a long time, whereas Laura is relatively new to it and brings in a freshness and enthusiasm which is very valuable."
 
"Of the two of us, it's me who can cause problems: I sometimes get tetchy and pedantic because I've been too used to having my own way! But Laura won't let me get serious for long. In fact, we usually end up rolling around the floor with laughter."
 
It was a shared sense of humour and love of the absurd that brought them together in the first place. They met over eight years ago at a showbiz Christmas party, when Bill was in "The Goodies" comedy show and she was a hostess for "The Sale Of The Century" quiz programme.
 
They made a colourful combination. "He thought I was a floosie", giggles Laura. "She's right", grins Bill. "But I soon discovered there was more to her than the leopard-skin outfit she was wearing! She turned out to be full of surprises - and that was one of the big attractions."
 
Laura came into Bill's life at a time when things seemed to be a bit stale for him. "The Goodies" had been running for ten years, finishing in 1980, and its demise had been awkward and protracted, due to contract complications.
 
"The Goodies was great fun, but people have had a preconceived idea about what I can do ever since. I've been regarded almost as a cartoon figure because of it. In fact, I'd hate to be stuck in that one area for good. Right now I'd jump at the chance to do a television play or comedy. I'm just waiting to be asked!"
 
He's fitted in plenty of quiz shows and various general knowledge and interest programmes in the meantime, as well as indulging in his other love - ornithology. His car is plastered with bird stickers as well as a special one that is prominently displayed, saying "Bats Need Friends". Many more adorn the walls of his North London home.
 
"I've been a bird watcher since I was a boy. It's an all-consuming interest. It's marvellous to shove on an old green anorak and take off to the woods or marshes with other ornithologists from all walks of life. It's a wonderful hobby you can enjoy at any age."
 
"I suppose there is always a risk I could become a baby and bird bore if I'm not careful", he chirps. "But then Laura doesn't share my passion for birds, so I think she'll see it doesn't happen."
 
Instead they play tennis together - "though he's deadly; he turns into a goblin on court!" - and go to concerts; anything from jazz to rock.
 
"Most of our friends are musicians.", says Bill. "We are not showbiz types and don't mix easily in those circles, doing the party round and all that."
 
Their home reflects that affinity with the young and their fantasy world. It's like walking into a magical toy shop. Every room is decorated according to a theme - the bathroom is in jungle style, with furry apes and fake snakes, while in the kitchen every nook and cranny has a Disney character peeping out.
 
It sums up the Oddie's outlook on life. As Frank Muir once said of "The Goodies" - "childlike as opposed to childish." It was a compliment not a criticism. Bill, Laura and Rosie are one very happy family.
 
"It's all a question of balance", says the man who made his name making people laugh. Then he smiles too. "And I think it's true to say I've found it."
 
 
6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY
(by Brett Allender)
 
THE STONE AGE
 
Series 4 Episode 4
First transmitted: 29th December 1973
 
PLOT
 
The weekend has arrived at last and it's time for the Goodies to indulge in their leisure pursuits. Graeme buries himself in a book, but Bill prefers something more active and tries a spot of music, soccer and birdwatching (all at the same time) until Tim can't stand the noise and sabotages Bill's equipment. Bill returns the favour and rapidly destroys Tim's attempts to tap dance and practice ping pong (again at the same time), so they are soon utterly bored and pester Graeme, who has been so absorbed in his book that he hasn't even noticed the racket going on around him.
 
After a failed attempt to entertain them with a compendium of home entertainment (a tv which contains a gramophone, a piano keyboard and also does the washing!), Graeme reveals that his book is all about the Stone Age and that primitive uncivilised man once existed around London (and still does in Cricklewood, according to Bill!). He also surmises that there are ancient subterranean tunnels under this very room and soon proves his theory when he falls down a deep shaft underneath the rug. Tim remarks that he can't see the bottom, to which Bill replies "I can't see any of him!"
 
The echoes and time delay between the surface and the bottom of the shaft play havoc with communications between Graeme and Tim and it sounds as though Graeme has broken "hundreds of bones, a couple of skulls and a tusk" in his fall, as well as developing some rather odd dietary and dress habits. After 3 whole weeks, Tim insists on performing a rescue by the book and secures himself on the surface as the anchorman, while Bill (who is dressed in potholing gear with pockets and padding everywhere) is to go down the hole (with Tim appropriately reading out "He is known as the reckless loony!")
 
Bill gets horribly tangled up halfway down the shaft, tugs hard at the ropes and firstly pulls Tim's trousers off, then drags him down the hole head first, along with a heap of furniture and other items. During his long wait for rescue, Graeme has made several important discoveries, including a tiny ape with a massive brain which became extinct because "it kept falling over!", heaps of stone tools and a human skeleton which more closely resembles a rocking horse when put together to the tune of 'Dem Bones'. Tim also revives memories of his O level archaeology (which he damn nearly passed!), but finds that a bunch of stalactites are in fact the teeth of a giant extinct Tyrannosaurus Rex which clamp shut and trap them inside.
 
Upon sliding down into the stomach, they find the remains of the dinosaur's last meal, including a cheese and chutney sandwich and pink bra that belonged to a potholing expert who had perished there a couple of years beforehand. Feelings of panic soon turn to utter boredom, (as there is surprisingly little to do in a stomach), despite a keen game of verbal football. The sight of Bill munching on a chicken, which he had smuggled down in his suit (along with various other snacks) greatly riles Tim (who has been on rations of two beans a day) and a spiteful argument follows, as Tim eventually heads for the spleen to presumably vent his own. While they argue, Graeme seizes the opportunity to scoff Bill's chicken (adding further insult by wiping his greasy fingers on Bill's hair!) and contemplates the prospect of getting up the dinosaur's nose to escape (having already got well and truly up Bill's by stealing his chicken!), while Bill suggests that they sprinkle castor oil around in a bid to get out the other exit rather quickly!
 
They decide to call for help by opening the dinosaur's mouth a fraction and shouting into its vocal chords, but Bill's lousy prehistoric comedy routine puts anyone off the thought of rescuing them. A shower of digestive juice and a pounding heart indicates that their fooling around has woken the beast up and they decide to run out through its mouth when it yawns. Tim and Graeme escape, but Bill takes a wrong turn (and knocks desperately behind the eye lens) before he reappears to dash Tim's hope of collecting his insurance policy. They flee up the tunnel and into the office (happy to say goodbye to Mr Tyrannosaurus Rex), but a huge claw reaches up out of the shaft and the dinosaur bursts through the ground and lifts their office high in the air before demolishing it.
 
CLASSIC QUOTES
 
* Graeme: "I'm off all this newfangled rubbish. I am into neolithic man."
Bill: "Is that legal!?"
 
* Graeme (talking about archaeology):"If you were to dig under the Post Office Tower..."
Tim (sarcastically): "It would fall over!"
 
* Graeme: "Allow me to elucidate."
Bill: "You'll go deaf!"
 
* Graeme (studying his map of soil layers):"...paleolithic age ... megalithic age ..."
Tim (picking up birdcage): "The budgiec age!!"
 
* Tim (yelling down pothole): "Do you want anything to eat?"
Graeme (delayed echo from bottom of shaft): "Yeah, chuck us down my old tweed suit ...."
Tim (puzzled): "Anything to wear?"
Graeme (another echo): "... and oh, a couple of donuts!"
Bill (even more puzzled): "Where ... where's he gonna wear them?!"
Tim: "Never mind!"
 
* Graeme: "Do you remember that chap from up the road who disappeared a couple of years ago. He was mad about potholing ... and cheese and chutney sandwiches. Funny chap."
Tim (picks up a backpack):"This must have been his" (holds up pink bra) "He was a funny chap, wasn't he!"
Bill: "Ah yeah. Yeah I remember him now. Ol' Cheese & Chutney Pollock the potholing poo ..."
Tim (hastily): "That's the one!"
 
* Bill (supposedly shouting for help through the dinosaur's mouth): "She was only the caveman's daughter, but you don't know what Dina saw ... bu-boom!"
(and a bit later): "If you can't send help, then at least send us a good ventriloquist!"
 
CLASSIC SCENES
 
* Bill and Tim indulging in their weekend hobbies while destroying each others pleasure. Bill's simultaneous saxophone playing, soccer practice and birdwatching is terminated by Tim popping the soccer ball with a pin, stuffing a cloth in the sax and gunning down the plastic birds. Bill gets his revenge shortly after by exploding Tim's ping pong machine and jumping hard on his tapdancing shoes. All the while Graeme is sitting in the corner, reading his book and totally oblivious to the racket around him.
 
* The ad for Bristo Gravy Mix with Graeme as a scarily convincing Rolf Harris creating havoc in his Granny's kitchen. He scares hell out of Granny (played by Tim - naturally!) with a blast of the didgeridoo, paints a kangaroo on the kitchen wall and blackens Granny's face as well, before launching into another mighty Garden death dive after eating Granny's poisoned Bristo Gravy Mix.
 
* Tim and Bill playing their verbal soccer match between Derby County and Chelsea (with Chelsea's team of substitutes winning 3-2 thanks to a hat trick from Hayley Mills!) and then getting at each other in a savage argument over dress and hairstyles before Tim goes to sulk in the spleen. Meanwhile Graeme has eaten Bill's chicken and upon Graeme wondering if he can get up the dinosaurs nose, Bill angrily snaps back "With the very greatest of ease I should think! You get up mine, mate!!"
 
* The huge Tyrannosaurus Rex bursting out of the ground and lifting the disused railway station office high in the air before pounding it to pieces.
 
MOCK ADVERTISEMENTS
 
Stones Linament
Bristo Gravy Mix (gets rid of Rolf Harrises fast!!)
 
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
 
No nutty guest stars and very little elaborate visual trickery, but a very funny verbal script easily carries the show along. A solid forerunner to the 'trapped with nowhere to go' - style classics of The End and Earthanasia.
 
 
RATING
 
IIII      Officially Amazing
 
BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:
 
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III   - Goody goody yum yum.
II    - Fair-y punkmother.
I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.
 
October Summary
"Goodies In The Nick"
 
 
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
 
(a) Bill Oddie.
(b) Wig Spotters badge
(c) Scoutrageous
(d) The British Olympic team
(e) 3 pence (after paying Nicolas Parsons 500 quid not to turn up!)
(f) Kerry Thwacker, sports entrepreneur.
(g) The Masked Shotputter.
 
 
NEXT C&G EDITION: #70: 12th October 2001.
 
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