» #70 Oct 2001
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
Issue No. 70 12th October 2001
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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 325
Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
- Brett Allender
- David Balston
- Lisa Manekofsky
- Linda Kay, Jonathan Hicks
1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you.
2. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.
3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings
4. 2001 AND A BIT – Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY - Goodies In The Nick
6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
QUOTE: "I intend to tow the whole of Great Britain outside the five mile limit!"
(a) Which Goodie is responsible for this quote?"
(b) Why is he trying to do this?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the very first Goodies episode "Beefeaters"
(d) For what sort of work do the Goodies advertise their services?
(e) What is unusual about Bill's guard dog for the trandem bike?
(f) What substance gives Bill wild hallucinations when he munches on it?
(g) Who is the horserider supposedly responsible for stealing the Crown Jewels?
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
2. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <firstname.lastname@example.org> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
The "Goodies Rule OK" Fan Club committee was sad to receive the resignation of our President, Catherine Carter, at the end of September due to her additional work commitments. Catherine has done a wonderful job since taking on the presidency at the start of this year and all members who have had contact with her during this time have no doubt appreciated her enthusiasm, efficiency and helpfulness. On behalf of all members, the committee thanks Catherine for her fabulous effort and we hope that she may be able to resume as President again at some stage in the future.
Catherine's departure brings to five the number of committee members who have stepped down since the staging of the Kitten Kon convention some eighteen months ago. Therefore we are now in the position where the maintenance of the club website and the production of the monthly newsletters are the main focus of our existing committee members, and bigger ventures like another convention, additional merchandise, video nights, etc are on hold due to our lack of people power to co-ordinate such activities. Naturally any volunteers to co-ordinate such activities will be welcomed aboard the "Good Ship Saucy Gibbon" with open arms!
Even seemingly basic functions like replying to enquiries and other correspondence can be difficult at times, and the club is very appreciative that UK member Kay Dickinson has kindly offered to assist us in this area. Therefore please be patient if you e-mail us and don't receive an instant reply – please bear in mind that we're all volunteers that love "The Goodies" but who also have other time-consuming work, study, sporting, social and family commitments to juggle as well.
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <email@example.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
(by Lisa Manekofsky)
The ninth series of "The Goodies" premiered in the UK in January 1982. TVTimes Magazine's 16-22 January 1982 issue contained a listing for the second show of the series, "Football Crazy", along with a short article about that episode.
Listing from Saturday, 16 January 1982:
`Further far-fetched exploits of The Goodies otherwise known as Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie. This week, a bearded hooligan causes trouble on the football terraces. Tim elects himself to stamp it out. Joining in the hectic action is dancer Wayne Sleep. The presenter is Fred Dinenage and the interviewer Kenneth Wolstenholme.'
"Goodies put a ballet boot in"
by: Stewart Knowles
Goodie Graeme Garden finds ballet only slightly more confusing than football. So he was totally mystified to find himself wearing the No 9 tutu in a hysterical display of dance-soccer given by the Bolshy Ballet today.
Having decided to `change ends' and play for ITV, `The Goodies', in `Football Crazy' today, take the field in a ballet match against a hand-picked team in all-white strip captained by Royal Ballet star Wayne Sleep.
Bill Oddie leads the Goodies and Tim Brooke-Taylor is the team trainer.
Garden gets some tutu-tuition from Sleep on how to perform `The Dying Swan', the famous dance originally created for the great Pavlova. But in a sequence danced and played at the Wimbledon Theatre, South London, as well as at Crystal Palace Football Club, he looks destined for an early bath.
`I'm not really a football fan and I'm certainly no great ballet lover. I've only been to see ballet twice,' says Garden. `It all looked very graceful but the dancers made such a lot of noise with their feet. I did enjoy Nureyev's `Nutcracker', though. Quite funny.'
The versatile Wayne Sleep, who has done as much as any dancer to help rid ballet of its slightly remote image, confirms that Garden was not the most enthusiastic pupil.
`He obviously knew nothing about ballet, but the Goodies were all great fun to work with and we had a ball. Every moment was hysterical and it was particularly good for me because I had just started an exhausting run in `Cats' and it was refreshing to have a complete change.'
Sleep believes that attitudes to ballet are changing and all forms of dance are enjoying a big wave of popularity. `It is the sort of dance craze they are having in America,' he says.
He does, however, accept that `The Goodies' are unlikely to make it as dancers although Oddie and Brooke-Taylor do at least have some connection with football. Bill Oddie has been an enthusiastic supporter of Chelsea and Tim Brooke-Taylor is a director of Derby County.
GOODIES VIDEO CLIP
Linda Kay is a part time video editor known for the compilation montage videos she has created for various fandoms. A long-time Goodies fan, Linda was happy to finally be able to put together a collection of clips which, in the space of approximately 5 minutes, sums up everything fans love about the Superchaps 3! Set to the music of Hooked on a Can Can (a piece she has used for several fandoms before and which has became a kind of staple in her repertoire) she hopes fans will enjoy this little tribute to the classic British comedy team.
The URL is: http://www.excellent.addr.com/goodies
(by Jonathan Hicks)
It was reported in the Daily Express and Daily Mail back in August, that Bill has suffered a relapse in his fight with depression. The following report comes from the Express:
"Bill Oddie's battle with depression is far from over. The genial former star of The Goodies has suffered a reccurence of the illness that pushed him to the brink of suicide and put him in hospital for a week in January. Oddie, 60, who announced in April that had overcome the illness, is receiving treatment again with regular sessions at the Florence Nightingale Hospital in north London.
"He is determined to beat it this time and his friends and family are being very supportive," said a friend. "The hospital is very near his home and he is still living at home while he receives care." Oddie's second wife Laura has inspired her husband to see off the illness once and for all. Earlier this year Oddie revealed that depression had once driven him to contemplate suicide but he thought he had beaten it by "counteracting negative thoughts" thanks to the help of professional advice.
"I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I want people to know you can come through it," he said. He explained how the depression was linked to growing up without the care of his mother, a schizophrenic who attacked his father and was forced to spend time in psychiatric hospitals. "I was brought up by my father and his mother, and my mother only features in a series of bizarre memories. The strangest was being taken to see her in a mental home. I was about 14 and they said: "Do you mind going to the hospital to see whether your mother recognises you?" It was like something out of 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'."
A further poignancy is added to Bill's malaise by his inability to enjoy his current professional success. His TV show, Live from Dinosaur Island, which examined fossil sites on the Isle of Wight, was a big hit when broadcast last month. He also remains the country's most celebrated ornithologist and can often be seen on Hampstead Heath with a pair of binoculars. Here's to a speedy recovery Bill"
4. 2001 AND A BIT
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <firstname.lastname@example.org> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays.
CRICKET, BORING CRICKET
(contributed by Lisa Manekofsky)
The following article appeared in "Cricket '76", published by The Test & County Cricket Board, Lord's Ground, London, N.W.8
The caption on photo at the beginning of the article reads, "Tim Brooke-Taylor, best known as a 'Goody' and lately for 'Hello Cheeky', was born in Derbyshire. On his own admission his feats on the cricket field are unintentionally far funnier than anything he's managed to put on the 'small screen'."
Cricket, Boring Cricket
by Tim Brooke-Taylor
Without doubt Cricket is the most boring game I have ever played or watched. What sort of decadent society can produce a contest that after five days may not even have a result? You can have about 20 Cup Finals in that period and still allow for extra time. The Martians must be rubbing their hands with glee, thinking 'this is going to be one of the easiest invasions ever' - rather like the Australians last summer I would imagine.
And yet, I love the game. Why? Well, of course, I must be mad. But a lot of us must be mad; you must be, for a kick off (or rather, for openers), for buying this magazine. A thought has just occurred to me - do they make some of the Cricket boring on purpose so that out of sheer desperation we all buy Cricket '76 just for something to read - no, perish the thought.
The crunch comes, of course, when an 'outsider' criticises the game. Last year, when watching a nail-biting last ditch stand on television, my five year old son came into the room: "Dad"
"But Dad I only wanted to...."
"Shut up, sit down and watch, this is very exciting" PAUSE
"No it isn't"
"Yes it is"
"No it isn't".
"*Yes* - *it* - *is*"
"But nobody is doing anything"
At that moment a wicket was shattered, the game was over, my side had lost (Derbyshire) and spectators were pouring on to the pitch.
"Hey Dad, *that* is exciting"
"No it isn't"
"Yes it is"
"No it isn't"
"Yes it is"
"Oh don't be so childish"
I can't quite decide whether my first true love was Grace Kelly or Tom Graveney. I nearly came to a decision last summer when I played in a charity match at Lords. Mr. Graveney walked across a short stretch of water to lend me his pads - *his* pads. With all due respect I can't quite see the ex Miss Kelly lending me her crown - fake eyelashes maybe, but no crown.
As an early teenager I used to go to the Derby nets to be coached by some of the players. The best pair of opening bowlers I have ever seen were nearly winning the County Championship on their own at that time - Cliff Gladwin and Les Jackson. Invariably they would bowl the opposition out for about fifty only to find that Derbyshire, never a strong batting side, could only number 49! Well, Cliff Gladwin would bowl to me in the nets - 'click' the big stump was knocked down. He could do this six times out of six. "I've got it now," I'd shout. "Click". "Next time". "Click". At this point Gladwin would call for Jackson. "Er Les, come and have a go at this". Les Jackson would run up "Click". "Click". "Click". "Click". "Ee this is fun" "Click" "Hey lad, where are you going?" Strangely enough I didn't mind, I was a mere mortal and I'd probably have been very disillusioned if they *hadn't* been able to weave patterns out of my stumps.
Hollywood script writer
Does any of this explain why I should enjoy such a boring game? Well I think hero worship plays a major part. Some of it is sheer nostalgia, but for me there's always room for new heroes. David Steele's emergence at the right time in the right place last summer had all the hallmarks of the hero. The glasses and the diffident look were the work of a hack Hollywood script writer. Who is this man, obviously plucked from a day dream at his office desk, taking on the might of Lillee and Thomson? Wilson of "The Wizard" could have done no better. I've also lost count of the times Alan Knott has "saved" England.
Playing the game itself, of course, also has it's own peculiar satisfactions. I remember at school batting for an hour and scoring not one single run. I was a hero then even carried around the ground on shoulders - the shoulders, I might add, belonged to a side that hadn't even played that day, for our draw had enabled them to win the league. I remember this triumph well, but not as well as my great cricketing disaster! It's a measure of the importance of cricket to me that I remember the game so clearly.
"Comes the hour"
I was all set for the triumph of my cricketing career. I had been made Captain of the Under 15's, a good side that included a 13 year old Nawab of Pataudi and Richard Jefferson who was later to play for Surrey, a very fine all rounder. The last over of the day arrived. They had several wickets in hand and six balls in which to score six runs. My Captain's brain was instantly alert. Bowl well outside the off-stump, I thought, and they won't be able to score. After all, an honourable draw at that stage was the best we could hope for. But who was I going to give the last over to; I put the question to the team and got 10 volunteer, even the wicket keeper fancied his chances. Well, I thought, "Comes the hour", I took the ball and ran up, 6 balls to go six runs to get. The first three cleverly angled deliveries were so far outside the off-stump that not only was the batsman unable to reach them but I also nearly decapitated "point" and the umpire was forced to call 'wide' each time - 6 balls to go three runs to get. The next delivery was straighter - straighter to the bat, straighter off the bat, it was a six - they'd won with five balls in hand. I still dream about that moment to this day.
If cricket can mean so much to me how can I possibly say that it's boring? I suppose, really, I'm just being defensive, I can't possibly justify the game in any logical way - I just like it. So, if you're not a cricket lover, I agree it is a very boring game, but if you are a cricket lover I'd just like to say "Isn't it great?"
BILL GOES WILD ON THE TELLY
(by David Balston - posted to Goodies-L on September 28th)
Bill Oddie appears twice on UK telly on Wednesday 3rd October.
He makes an appearance on Channel 4's "Watercolour Challenge" at 3.15pm displaying his artistic abilities.
He diversifies later that evening on BBC1 at 7.30pm in "The Nations Favourite Children's Poem" reporting on a craze for ping pong.
"Bill Oddie Goes Wild" continues to be repeated Tuesday's at 7.30pm on BBC2.
(contributed by Jonathan Hicks)
This is a report from the Oxford Times (27.7.01):
" Facing the challenge... Bill Oddie - a former member of the Goodies comedy team who now presents BBC programmes on birdwatching and the natural world - paints a grey wagtail feeding a young bird. He was taking part in Channel Four television's Watercolur Challenge alongside he river Thames at Abingdon. His rivals in the competition, which is to be shown in September, were former Brookside actress, Karen Drury, and Philip Frank, the tax inspector in The Darling Buds of May.When the programme is broadcast. each artist will have an attached telephone number and each vote registered by the public will result in funds being raised via the pay lines for chosen charities. The paintings will be auctioned at the Mall Gallery exhibition, in London, in January. The proceeds from Mr Oddie's will go to the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds."
by Linda Kay
I also found this routine Tim does that's available online, in case no one else has picked up on it yet - pretty cute!
BILL's INTERVIEW IN "THE IDLER" MAGAZINE
IF I RULED THE RADIO
(by David Balston – posted to Goodies-L on October 10th)
On BBC Radio 4 Thursday 18 October at 11pm Graeme will be presenting a show featuring highlights from 'If I Ruled the World' rival Jeremy Hardy's radio series.
The Radio Times says:
"Graeme Garden takes a rosy look back at the golden years of the first, and many say the best, presenter of `Jeremy Hardy Speaks to the Nation' – Jeremy Hardy."
5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY
(by Brett Allender)
GOODIES IN THE NICK
Series 4 Episode 5
First transmitted: 5th January 1974
The Goodies are engrossed in a quiet game of cards (with giant matches as the stake) when there is a knock on the door. A timid and inept police sergeant enters and tells them to get up against the wall (which all of his troops do too). He informs them that it is just a routine enquiry and reads them a letter (to sad violin music) detailing his incompetence due to being afraid of criminals (which only makes them chuckle away uncontrollably in the background), so he needs the Goodies help to boost his number of arrests (only two in 25 years) in return for two tons of "certain substances" and some dirty books, which greatly appeals to Bill.
Graeme devises a fiendishly cunning mock bank robbery, but upon arriving at the bank, the Goodies have to continually tell the sergeant and his officers to wait until they have actually committed the crime before arresting them and then find that there is no money in the safe because the sergeant has received a tipoff from someone about the robbery (them!). They settle on a cheque for 4 million pounds, casually walk out and easily evade the incompetent cops who fall flat on their faces trying to clobber the Goodies with batons from all angles.
Weeks elapse before the sergeant finally thinks about going to the office to see Tim (alias The Goodyfather) and he finds that the Goodies have also swiped the Venus de Milo, the Crown Jewels and the Mona Lisa out of sheer boredom while waiting for him to 'arrest' them. After he calls in the army (who fire a huge artillery shell into the back of his head from point blank range), the sergeant eventually arrests the Goodies for not having a dog licence (because they don't have a dog!) and they accompany him to the station after he gets Tim to 'squawk' by pinching him on the bum!
There they only get to "see their lawyer" for about a second and are incriminated in an identity parade by a Mr Magoo lookalike, with considerable help from the now-corrupt sergeant. They are thrown in Her Majesty's prison and three years later, they all have long beards and are going nuts at the prospect of serving a 22 year sentence, especially Bill who gets stuck into the royal family about their prison, much to Tim's dismay. Graeme finds that it really is Her Majesty's prison after all, as some hunting around reveals a regal wardrobe, bar, tv, dartboard and the "Royal Flush" toilet!
Bill pulls the chain and gets tipped outside the cell and the others follow in a bid to escape and clear their names. After trying many different ploys to hide the heavy metal ball and chain around their ankles, they are eventually cornered by the guards and taken to court. The courthouse is more like a boxing ring, with the unpopular and criminal Goodies in the blue corner up against the sergeant (now Chief Inspector of MI5 with 5000 arrests to his name) in the red corner.
However the prosecutor Izzy Bent and the judge Justice Once are soon replaced with Graeme and Bill respectively (with Bill continually winning sideshow prizes for his hefty thumps with the gavel), who dismiss the case against themselves and then prosecute the "nasty power-crazed loony" Chief Inspector. With the help of a hippy jury, they convict him of being a very naughty policemen and Tim suggests that he should have his botty soundly smacked and "have his pips torn off!". By this stage, Bill has gone power mad as judge and demands a sentence of 80 years, despite Tim's pleas for mercy, then dishes out hefty sentences to everyone in the room, finishing in auction style with an appropriately harsh sentence for Mary Whitehouse.
* Sergeant: "Where's Tim?"
Bill (slaps Sergeant's face) "Nobody dares call him that any more! You want to speak to the boss"
Sergeant: "Who's the boss?"
Graeme (slaps Bill's face): "Nobody dares call him that any more! He means ... the Goodyfather!"
* Bill (getting carried away as judge): "... 30 (years) for Edward Heath, 40 for Mary Whitehouse"
Bill: "Any advance on 50 for Mary Whitehouse!"
Bill: "Any advance on 60 for Mary Whitehouse?"
Tim: "69! ... "
* The Goodies bank robbery with them all tripping on the bank steps while shuffling along in their Goodyfather outfits, playing the Godfather theme on their violins, passing the hat around the customers when the bank refuses to give them any money and accepting a cheque for 4 million pounds from the police sergeant, who is continually told "not yet" as his men try to arrest the Goodies before they have even committed the robbery. Their getaway is an effortless stroll along the footpath as baton wielding cops fall down all around them and crash their police bikes into a lamppost.
* Bill seeking permission for the police sergeant to enter the office by sliding open a peephole and knocking on a photo of Graeme's face. Graeme then opens the door holding onto his nose, with the photo still visible in the peephole. Later they "spill the beans and give him the dough" - all over the police sergeant's head.
* The epic jailbreak with many clever visual gags, including their escape over and through the prison wall using the heavy metal balls around their ankles in hammer throwing, rugby and shot put fashion, their impromptu vaudeville show under the searchlight to the approval of the prison guards, getting their beards shaved by a bloke trimming his hedge and the various tricks to disguise their metal balls from the guards: schoolboys with balloons, a Dougal-dog lookalike, Tim as a pregnant lady and especially Graeme with a bustline that Dolly Parton would be most jealous of!
* Bill going mad with the power of being a judge and dishing out sentences galore, including 10 years for Graeme and Tim, 15 years for the former judge, 25 years for the whole of MI5 and 40 years for Mary Whitehouse which sparks a frenzied auction bidding war ... 50 ... 60 ... 69 ...!
Jack Douglas, Tommy Godfrey, Erik Chitty
Henson & Bedges Cigarettes
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
Plenty of good visuals but few funny quotes and perhaps a little weaker overall than the other episodes in the series. A similar theme to "Love The Police" in their first series, portraying the police as incompetent buffoons, but without very much manic or belly laugh humour to back it up.
III Goody goody yum yum
BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
November Episode Summary
6. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
(a) Graeme Garden
(b) So that he can take over as the leader of a pirate state.
(c) Radio Goodies (boom!)
(d) "Anything, anytime"
(e) It is a blow-up toy
(f) Lemon sherbet
(g) "Young him" – Prince Charles
NEXT C&G EDITION: #71: 12th November 2001.
The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2001. All rights reserved.
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