» #81 Sep 2002
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
Issue No. 81 12th September 2002
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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 325
Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
- Brett Allender
- Lisa Manekofsky
- David Balston
COOL COR COMIC AND MUSIC REVIEWER
- Linda Kay
FEATURE ARTICLE CONTRIBUTOR
- Lisa Manekofsky
- Daniel Bowen, Tim Chmielewski, Richard Nolan
1. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you (p1)
2. BOFFO IDEAS - Club happenings and ideas.
3. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
4. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies. (p2)
5. FEATURE ARTICLE (p3)
"Record & Radio Mirror" article - 1974.
6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY –
Rome Antics (p5)
7. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW
Good Ole Country Music (p7)
8. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #10
9. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS (p10)
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
QUOTE: "Really little mouse? You really think I look like an ugly old cow?! Really? I'm so ugly that when I come into the room, you mice jump onto a chair! Really? I'm the ugliest thing you've ever seen in the whole ... the whole of your life?!"
(a) Which Goodie makes this quote?
(b) What does he say and do next?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode "Way Outward Bound"
(d) What is the name of the school which runs the Way Outward Bound adventure course?
(e) How much is the bounty that they offer the Goodies for every child sent there?
(f) When the Goodies disguise themselves as schoolchildren, who does Graeme become?
(g) Despite the Sergeant Major seemingly being in charge, who is the real brains behind the scheme to create an army of babies?
(h) When Tim goes power-mad at the end of the episode, which organization does he threaten to take over?
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
2. BOFFO IDEAS
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <email@example.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
(by Richard Nolan)
There are 2 designs available. The first is based on the 'trandem' T-shirts worn by the lads in the series and the second is simpler, featuring the series logo. Price is A$20.00 per shirt or A$35.00 for two. Postage prices are on the website, as is information for placing orders from outside Australia.
The club webpage will be updated with full details in the immediate future - all sizes are currently in stock and can be ordered now.
Keep an eye out for Goodies caps, which will be available soon!
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <firstname.lastname@example.org>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! The Goodies this month:
* On a recent tour of Scienceworks in Melbourne, the collections out the back contained a "trandem + 1" (four seater) bicycle that actually uses all the pedals on the bike. I think it may be a part of the Malvern Star collection, and it would have been perfect to accommodate Prince Charles had he become the fourth Goodie after all!. Incidentally Spiderbait's music video for 'Run' was also filmed at Scienceworks (from information contributed by Tim Chmielewski)
4. 2001 AND A BIT
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <email@example.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website), as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.
* Tim's show "Golf Clubs with Tim Brooke-Taylor" is showing Mondays to Thursdays at 11.30pm from Monday 16th September and also at 2pm Saturdays and Sundays from 21st September on Discovery Home and Leisure.
(David Balston - Goodies - l- 9th September)
* Bill helped Vic Reeves examine the world of Birds in "Vic Reeves Examines" which was repeated 4.50am on Play UK Monday 19th August. (David Balston - Goodies-l - 19th August)
* Bill's appearance in "The Detectives" is shown again 3.55pm on Bravo on Wednesday 21st August. (David Balston - Goodies-l - 19th August)
* Yesterday's Melbourne "MX" free newspaper's "Celeb site" of the day is Bill Oddie. It mentions that there isn't much Goodies material on the site, mostly post-Goodies stuff. The newspaper included a pic of Bill. http://www.billoddie.net/ (Daniel Bowen - Goodies-l - 21st August)
* I believe these are repeat broadcasts and not new episodes (but please correct me if I am wrong).
Charlie's Wildlife Gardens - episode: The Bird Garden
Charlie Dimmock and wildlife expert Chris Baines transform a bare plot into a paradise for birds, with Bill Oddie on hand to advise on feeding. Plus tips on building a nestbox and a helping hand for a colony of housemartins.
Airing: Friday, 6th Sept. 13:00 on UK Style AND Friday, 6th Sept. 14:00 on UK Style Plus 1
Live from Dinosaur Island
Series following the progress of archaeologists working on digs across the Isle of Wight, looking for fossilised dinosaur remains. With Adam Hart-Davis, Bill Oddie, Edwina Silver and Simon King
Airing: Sunday, 8th Sept. 9:20 UK Horizons AND Sunday, 8th Sept. 10:20 UK Horizons Plus 1 (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l - 30th August)
* Bill's show "Live From Dinosaur Island" is also repeated again on Sundays 15th and 22nd September on UK Horizons at 9.15am and and I assume the couple of Sundays after that. (David Balston - Goodies-l - 9th September)
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE
* As well as the Christmas Special CD of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" it looks as though there is an anniversary special CD coming out on 4th November
There is also a CD collection of "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" but no information is given, it may be the first two CDs, or the two special Christmas and Anniversary CDs
(David Balston - Goodies-l - 23rd August)
* Upcoming dates and venues for ISIHAC recordings:
27 October: Festival Theatre, Malvern
24 November: Grand Theatre, Blackpool
9 December: Sadlers Wells Theatre, London
* In last month's C&G we ran a mini-ISIHAC competition asking for your ideas for responses to a round of "Clue". Up for grabs was the fine prize of an autographed photo of Graeme Garden to one lucky contributor and we're pleased to announce that Linda Kay has been declared the winner for the following witty efforts:
I'll Be Seeding You
Who Let the Hogs Out?
"Farmer's TV, Book and Film Club"
Mad About Ewe
Engelbert Pumpernickel and the Younger Germination
And not forgetting "The Sound Of Moo-sic" either! Something that might be enjoyed by those very "Late Arrivals at the Farmer's Ball", Mr and Mrs Liser and their son Ferdie Liser!
5. FEATURE ARTICLE
(contributed by Lisa Manekofsky)
The following article appeared in the January 19, 1974 issue of "Record & Radio Mirror". While the article is about the release of the Goodies first album, it never actually mentions the title of the album - it is "The Goodies Sing Songs from the Goodies" (later reissued as "The World of the Goodies) which contains the songs
"All Things Bright and Beautiful", "Ride My Pony", "Stuff That Gibbon", "Mummy I Don't Like My Meat", "Show Me The Way", "Goodies Theme", "Sparrow Song", "Taking You Back", "Sunny Morning", "Winter Sportsman", and "Spacehopper".
We trust that our readers will find the article interesting enough to forgive the original author's mistakes, including the unfortunate misspelling of Graeme's first name and Tim's last name as well as incorrectly crediting the authorship of "Stuff That Gibbon" to Graeme instead of Bill.
Take a little Goodie advice
Peter Harvey's given some during an afternoon with furry Bill Oddie
The point is you've got to take the Goodies record seriously, well more or less anyway, and if the result is a new teeny sensation to rival Donny, Bill Oddie won't complain.
I knew it sounds unlikely and I'm going to have a hard job convincing you, but first consider the facts.
Bill's last venture into unknown territory was with a Cambridge University review that wandered into London and knocked the humour brigade for six. It was something akin to the Beatles' early explosion back in '62, only instead of upstaging the music business, Messrs Oddie, Brook-Taylor, Garden, and Cleese (and ilk) breathed fresh air into satire.
From this amateur start that shook the London establishment has grown the Sorry I'll Read That Again, Goodies, and Python-type humour; if you like the "heavies" of British silliness. So don't think Bill Oddie and his mates can't become rock stars as well!
Even now copies of the Goodies first album are finding their way into your friendly local record shop. The release date was set to meet the Christmas trade but like many other records, the Goodies collection was late. Fair enough, but what bothers ageing superstar Bill as he reviews progress in the secret confines of his Hampstead Heath Hideaway is that the blighters have filed the record under "British Humourists."
Bill, who looks strangely slimmed down in spite of the Christmas pud season, is deadly serious about the album. Up in his "den" on the fourth floor of one of those tall thin houses that back onto Hampstead Heath, he'd even got fellow Goody, Graham Garden present to bolster his arguments.
I sat there wondering when the room was going to take off into space leaving me an outsider in the lastest Goodies episode, but this was for real.
"Obviously I take the music seriously," said Bill, lighting a pencil thin cheroot. "And that's a major problem at the moment. The point we've been trying to make ever since we recorded this damn thing is that it shouldn't be filed under humorists because it's not merely a funny record. But you cannot get this through. Still, probably a lot of listeners don't have such a set attitude as the people who put records in racks.
"It isn't really a comedy record. There are one or two funny bits. There's a big range which is risky...you do a lot of things and please some people for two tracks and others for two tracks and nobody likes the whole thing."
All but one of the eleven songs are taken from the Goodies television series. Two of the out and out funnies are by Graham, Stuff That Gibbon and The Sparrow Song, and the rest, apart from All Things Bright and Beautiful (a straight rock version of the original and released uneventfully as a single in October) are from Bill.
He reckons he's written about 50 songs for the Goodies and about 100 funny songs for I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again. The ones on the record are the ones they like best.
But back to the problem.
Bill: "We have a record that is a problem. It's not typical of our image and thank you Decca, there's been no advertising, publicizing or anything, and we felt it was very important that since the record is not typical of our image we needed something saying this is a new venture. It's not the Goodies doing a comedy record, it's the Goodies doing a music record. The only advert described it as lunatic...maybe they are for releasing it. But we had a meeting and said we didn't want to push the comedy side of it. It's just ridiculous."
Bill says he can only describe it as a music album.
Graham: "It's a difficult album. I think the first time people play it, they might be disappointed because it's not funny, or not funny enough, and then play it again and actually quite like it. And they might be puzzled by some of the songs, when they are waiting for the funny bits."
It's a cross section, Bill decides, and admits that much to his amazement he enjoys listening to it. He's very nervous about how it's going to go down though, reckons they have taken a chance, but believes it works. It's the range that worries him.
"By and large I think pop followers are a little bit conditioned not to take range. They may know someone's sound and expect a whole album to have that sound. It does demand a bit of work. I mean I hate the feeling of people putting the record on and just leaving it in the background. We feel it is a listening record...party record as well. But I hope people listen to the words."
Although there is an impressive antique drum kit, various saxophones, flutes, a guitar, even a couple of stuffed birds, in his den, Bill says his first instrument is his gramophone. His taste ranges from "rather esoteric jazz" to Randy Newman, The Band, and Harry Nilsson, on that particular instrument, and when it comes to getting songs down he hums them onto tape.
The musicians used by the Goodies for the series and the album are what he calls "a really heavy band" - mostly ace session men - half of Soft Machine for starters! When the lads themselves have a go it's all down to guitar, penny whistle and bongoes!
Graham and Bill don't collaborate on songs.
"Graham does write a few and they are usually very silly ones."
Would Bill like to become a rock star?
"No. I'm too old. But yes!"
Even if that sounds unlikely, there's a more than remote chance he could write a hit song for someone else. Apart from the Goodies record deal there's a song publishing deal too and as soon as he gets time he'll be producing demos, songs written without the Goodies in mind, and hopefully these will be recorded by suitable artists.
Although Bill says he has no confidence in his musical judgement, he believes given a six month deadline to write a hit song, he could do it.
"Getting them to the right people and with the right arrangement is 90 per cent of the battle really. So much of the basic material is just nothing. It's the sound and whose singing it. It's unlikely that if Slade were singing your song it would not be a hit."
Having decided he could it, he admits that interests him least. It's more likely to happen more by accident than judgement, though don't be surprised is Bill comes out with a solo album on Randy Newman lines eventually. And there's got to be, by contract, an album and two singles for this year and next, so we better get used to the idea.
They may even pop up on the Old Grey Whistle Test yet. Or even on the road with a band, that's something, time and energy permitting, that they would like to do.
With the Goodies, as you know, anything is possible.
And if people dismiss the album because it's not funny enough?
"If that's the be-all and end-all of it, if they say it's not funny therefore I don't like it, well I suppose that's up to them."
"One reviewer," said Graham, "thought the single was not as good as Monty Python. It wasn't actually as good as Beethoven either."
Finally, from Bill: "The chances are that it won't get enough exposure and I'm sure a lot of people won't like it because of what they are expecting, and by the second album, if it's still not a comedy album, they will realize that they have to listen to this in a bit of a different way..."
6. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY
(by Brett Allender)
Series 5, Episode 9
First screened: 7th April 1975
The year is 55 AD and the glory of the Roman Empire has reached its peak and is starting to decline, which forces an ambassador from the empire to set off on foot (a boot attached to a pogo stick!). The influence of the empire has been felt all over the civilised world (and England!), even in the rounded stone and thatch huts of primitive Cricklewood where the Goodies of the Dark Ages still offer to do "anything anytime", but find that they are only able to eat spaghetti because the Romans have forced up the prices of traditional tucker and that the air isn't fit to inhale, thanks to the Romans and their garlic breath!
The Goodies grumble about their traditional way of life being spoiled by the conquering Romans, which prompts an early patriotic speech from Tim that quickly turns into grovelling when the Roman ambassador arrives at their hut. After some language problems ("Legato sum!" "... "About a quarter to three?") and a ludicrous attempt at translation by Graeme, the Goodies realise that the Roman Emperor has a job for them, so they jog off to Rome (crossing the English Channel underwater!), only to find that the kinky Emperor (who lays on a bed of fruit and is tended to by beautiful maidens) wants to be left alone with "the little one" (Bill) who he finds "goody goody yum yum"!
The Emperor soon reveals that he is really freaked out over fruit (and his vivid description of pears and their "soft sensuous bulbous botties" causes Bill to break into a grin in the background!), but is not loved by his countrymen due to not providing sufficient entertainment for them (only market gardens!). He has therefore sent for the Goodies to rectify this, otherwise he'll feed them to the lions (especially after Bill refuses a request to lick the pile of jelly and fruit salad off the Emperor's chest and leaves the pretty maidens to do it - "same old tongues...bor-ing!").
The Goodies put on a stupendous evening of entertainment at the Coliseum (including playing the xylophone on a traditional Roman battledress and Tim having to endure another encounter with the loony leaping sheep from 'The Lost Tribe' which is even more vicious this time after Graeme has jabbed it in the bum with a pitchfork!), but the po-faced Romans are not amused and pelt the Goodies and the Emperor with fruit and vegetables in disgust. The Emperor is annoyed that the Goodies didn't book the Christians instead and threatens to throw them to the sheep, before he reveals that he is exhausted from the endless round of orgies and burning Christians at both ends, so wishes to abdicate.
Tim willingly takes over as Emperor, but finds that the populace are still restless for entertainment. Graeme soon solves that problem and creates lots of seaside resorts (complete with naughty postcards, bingo and candy floss) and the Parthenon News bulletin shows the locals revealing lots of flesh in the bargain. However Graeme makes a slight error by sending out holiday brochures to charming neighbours like the Barbarians, Goths and Visigoths and in no time, Attila The Hun and his army of Vandals have made a block booking for some rape and pillage.
The Vandals arrive from the wastelands of the north and destroy all before them until they enter the Coliseum and become very bored watching the Roman dancers with coloured hoops. After the Goodies accidentally create a number of athletics events by dodging Vandals and their spears, they rile Attila The Hun by splattering a melon on his head and he returns fire with a flaming catapult missile which lands in a drum (and creates the Olympic flame). The Goodies then scatter the dancers and throw their coloured hoops into the air and onto a wall (as the Olympic rings). Tim orders a huge ice cream from a vendor, but another burning catapult missile lands in the cone, which forms the Olympic torch. The Goodies run out of the Coliseum carrying the torch, which sets fire to banners on the way out and the city of Rome is ablaze in no time. Emperor Tim opens a cabinet marked 'in case of fire' and finds Nero's fiddle, so they head off towards Pompeii only to be swallowed up by the earth after a tremor from the volcano.
* Bill (laughs): "God blimey, how about Stonehenge?! What a waste of money that was. Two thousand years it's stood there ... still doesn't fly!"
* Bill: "You're kinky, you!"
Emperor: "Yes ... but not by Roman standards!"
* Emperor (after one of his countrymen has thrown a carrot at him): "Who threw that?! Was that you? Cheeky!" (and later after catching a zucchini) "Was that you again? Was it?! (chuckles) Like it!"
Tim (as Emperor, singing): "Just Roman ... in the Gloamin' ... !"
* The Goodies climbing onto a wooden trandem which immediately falls apart, necessitating them to jog all the way to Rome (including the famous jog off a cliff and bouncing landing which features in the theme footage in many episodes) and discovering that all roads really do lead to Rome when they each jog off along separate routes, but all collide heavily in the middle of a road junction shortly afterwards.
* The completely kinky fruit-fancying Roman Emperor who starts coming on to Bill before revealing that his true love is the soft sensuous bulbous botties and squishy juice of over-ripe pears and other fruit, with Bill's description of the smooth tight skin of a pert orange sending the Emperor writhing orgasmically on top of his pile of fruit!
* The entertainment of the bored Roman masses where a terrified Tim gets down on his knees and prays as the others release his fearsome foe - a Suffolk sheep who is more interested in eating the fruit which has been pelted onto the arena from the last act. A quiet word in the sheep's ear from Bill still doesn't help, so Graeme gets the sheep into full attack mode by shoving a pitchfork up its clacker! The bad tempered baa lamb flies through the air and stomps all over Tim, eventually winning the hilarious wrestling bout to the boos and fruit throwing of the crowd. Those Romans sure are hard to please!
* Tim's loopy logic in telling the Emperor that there are no Christians left to feed to the lions because they have all become fruitgrowers, all of the gladiators have been eaten by the lions who were hungry due to lack of Christians to eat and finally, that there are also no lions left because they have been eaten by the Christians who are sick of eating fruit! The Emperor asks the Centurions to throw the Goodies to the sheep (prompting an impassioned plea for mercy from Tim) but later when Tim is the Emperor he threatens to throw Bill to the hamsters because he has run out of sheep by then!
* The new emperor Tim bathing in asses milk (and being waited on by a hand maiden, a foot maiden and another one that comes in pretty useful too!), receiving a visit from Bill who hangs his coat on the Venus De Milo, knocking one arm off the statue. Shortly after, Graeme enters and hangs his coat on the other arm of Venus, but this time her head falls off!
* The various accidentally discovered events of the first Olympic Games, including the use of a plate as a discus, a melon as a shot put (which splatters on Attila The Hun's head, as shown by the BC-TV action replay!) and spears used for javelin, hurdles, high jump and polo events. Also the creation of the Olympic rings, flame and torch as described in the 'plot' section.
Roy Kinnear, Oliver Gilbert
Big Brave Bold Hunk Of Man
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
A very good episode with some nice understated sight gags like the Venus de Milo and the invention of the various Olympic symbols and an amusingly over-the-top performance from the Roman Emperor with his rather kinky fruit fetish.
IIII Officially amazing
BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III - Goody goody yum yum.
II - Fair-y punkmother.
I - Tripe on t' pikelets.
September Episode Summary –
7. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review. This is the first time that we've had one for the best part of 1 year, 7 months, 4 days ... a hell of a long time anyway, but we intend to once again make them a part of the C&G occasionally, just for a bit of variety!
It's over to your drawling DJs Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) and Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay) and their review of "GOOD OLE COUNTRY MUSIC" by The Goodies, of course!
"Good Ole Country Music" can be heard on:
CD: "Yum Yum - The Very Best Of The Goodies" and "Funky Gibbon - The Best Of The Goodies"
Records: "The New Goodies LP", "The Goodies Greatest Hits", "Best Of The Goodies" and on the flip side of the single "Bounce"
Episodes: "Goodies - Almost Live", Series 6, Episode 7
Lyrics sung by Graeme (in a heavy good ole country boy American drawl!)
I don't dig Strauss or Tchaikovsky
And the Beatles and the Bacharachs don't mean a thing to me
I hate to hear Bing Crosby croon
'Coz to me they all sound out of tune
Give me the sound of that good ole country music
I hear it noooow, that I am homeward bouuuund
Hoooooow I love, to hear some dowwwwn home singin'
I love that good ole country souuuund
The sweetest melody by far
Is the howlin' of a coyote to an off-pitch slide guitar
I love to hear a dog in pain (sound fx)
Or a chicken being flattened by a train (sound fx)
Instrumental break (with coyotes howling in the background!)
Sing me the harmonies
(REPEAT CHORUS - with Bill singing monotonously in the background)
There's just no accounting for some people's musical tastes (how else can one explain the mere existence of the Eurovision Song Contest?!), and good ole Graybags' fudges the figures even further with this tribute to the tone-deaf old cowpokes who yodelled and yowled away excruciatingly in the background of many a forgettable western movie in the 30s and 40s. The scary part is that American country music hasn't exactly improved much all these years later, though it's probably still slightly superior to the folk singing that Bill and Graeme practiced in Hype Pressure where they firstly put their hands over their ears so that they couldn't hear anything!
However it's Graeme's frequent coyote-like howls during the chorus that really need some kind of explanation (or deep-seated psychoanalysis!) Maybe there was a feed of Little Jimmy Osmond coming through one of his headphones that caused him to howl like the distressed patients in Hospital For Hire, or maybe some fool accidentally put on a Max Bygraves record in the next studio and he couldn't remember how to do the Disco Heave. Or perhaps he just sat down on the Yum Yum CD cover which contained Bill's rather barbed and bitchy critique of his (and Tim's) singing ability ...! In any case, while obviously a parody, this song would have undoubtedly been a howling success if it had been recorded in Nashville (by the likes of Wailin' Jennings).
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
II 1/2 Fair-y Goodymother (Emperor Caligula)
III Goody Goody Yum Yum (Peaches Stiletto)
8. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #10
(by Linda Kay)
10th March 1973 No. 33
Over the years many television series have been turned into comic strips or comic books, some more successfully than others. The sitcom format fits the paneled comic format in a very basic sense ... both usually feature a regular series of characters in a specific situation with humorous dialogue. In adapting an average situation comedy into a comic strip it's often necessary for the artists and writers to put the characters into more "elaborate" settings ... a comic drawn as a straight-forward couch comedy would eventually become quite boring. Very rarely would the artists find themselves having to try to *match* the artistic and stylized zaniness of a program, but The Goodies was no ordinary comedy series. It was, in essence, a live-action cartoon much of the time. This undoubtedly offered the talented artists working for Cor!! both a blessing and curse ... readers would readily accept the Goodies in outrageous and cartoony situations ... but how to match the sheer inventiveness of the series itself and expand and exaggerate the characters suitably in drawing? Fortunately for the most part the Cor!! team was up to the challenge.
This issue's comic was notable for being very true to The Goodies television series. The artists created and followed through with a situation that could easily have been the outline for an early series episode. Notable in the opening panel is the first real attempt to reproduce the Goodies office accurately, with the slatted picture-view window and Graeme's computer in the background. This plays little part in the story but gives the outing a nice "authentic" feel.
Header: TRUST THE GOODIES TO MAKE A MESS OF CLEARING LITTER!
The Goodies stand saluting a government official as he dashes into their office. The man is in full regalia with a badge marked "4 P OFF" (although his dignity is being greatly compromised by an ice cream wrapper across his face and a banana peel sticking to his leg).
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: The streets of this town are getting clogged with litter - we want you Goodies to do something about it!
TIM: Leave it to us, your worship - sir!
BILL: Our reputations are spotless!
As the official stands watching unamused, Bill has suddenly changed to western cowboy gear and stands twirling a six-shooter while drawing the second from its holster. In the meantime Tim and Graeme are at a closet where Tim is holding a broom and shovel. Graeme seems more interested in an old gramophone horn which he has found.
BILL: I'm gonna 'clean up this town'!
TIM: Grab a brush you two!
GRAEME: Hang on - why do things the hard way? I'll invent a battery-operated street cleaner!
The Goodies are seen riding down the street on their trandem. Graeme is sitting up front instead of Tim, presumably to man the controls of his invention, which consists of the gramophone horn attached to a small mechanical box which is creating a high-powered vacuum, sucking all the garbage ahead of them into the horn and down a long tube which is draped over their shoulders then disappears somewhere behind the trandem. A black cat is chasing a fishbone which is flying toward the machine.
GRAEME: What an invention - faultless! The town's troubles are behind us!
BILL: (Looking behind) Er ... you can say that again ... !
We see the hose at the back is not attached to anything, so the garbage is simply being sucked up and then spit out in their wake, much of it hitting the government official who is angrily chasing after them (the cat, still after the fishbone, is likewise flying out of the back of the hose by this time).
BILL: ... the litter is all coming out the other end!
GRAEME: Oh dear, I never thought of that!
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Stop! Grough! You litter-bugs!
They stop riding and as the official races angrily toward them Bill clings to Tim nervously.
BILL: Er .. I think we're going to be run out of town!
TIM: That's it!
The others listen as Tim explains his idea (none of them seem aware that Graeme's machine has apparently sucked up an innocent passerby, as a man's face peeks out of the gramophone horn part of the invention in their hands).
TIM: If we got some running shoes with EXTRA LONG SPIKES, we could PICK up all the litter!
GRAEME: You've got a 'point' there - glad I thought of it!
AND SO ...
We see The Goodies running down the middle of a street (a dog is running to get out of their way and a vehicle they have just passed must have become distracted by their presence because it's run into a light post). The cleats are apparently working because they are amassing large piles of paper on their soles as they go.
TIM: It's working!
We see Graeme and Bill from a side angle as they continue running, Bill looking somewhat concerned at some chimney pots (completely with resting bird) which are at their eye level (he might be equally concerned with the television aerial that is also visible).
GRAEME: Hope we 'collect' paper money for this!
BILL: Hey, look! What are those chimney pots doing down there?
The Goodies are startled to find themselves each standing upon two-story-high stacks of paper which they've gathered under their feet (those *must* have been extra long spikes)! A dowdy housewife stands below, looking up at them with not so much a surprised as an angry look on her face.
TIM: Oh, no, we've really got on top of the job!
GRAEME: H .. how do we get down?
BILL: There's only one thing for it!
The begin to take the papers out from under their feet, working downward but scattering the garbage once again as they descend. Tim works much more slowly than the others. The official is now standing off to one side waving his fist at them.
BILL: Hurry up, Tim!
TIM: I .. I'm coming down one sheet at the (SIC) time! Heights scare me!
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Bah, this is worse than ever!
Once on the ground again the Goodies find themselves standing amidst a street-full of paper. The official approaches them with a broom and shovel which he holds out to them. He also hands Bill a sack for gathering the garbage.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Do the job properly, or you'll get the sack!
BILL: Looks like I've got it already!
GRAEME: I guess it would be easier to do it the hard way after all.
The Goodies have somehow managed to clean up all the litter and are standing in the street with three humongous sacks over their backs, bending tiredly under the weight of them. They are near a rubbish bin which is being fiercely guarded by a rubbish-collecting-stick wielding park official and an officious sign stating clearing "DUMP NO RUBBISH - By order."
BILL: Well, we've got three giant bags full, but where do we put it?
PARK OFFICIAL: You're not putting your litter in my nice clean bins (period missing) I polished 'em this morning!
The official continues to guard the front of the park as Tim and Graeme watch Bill haul off the huge bags alone (they're so massive he's literally crawling on the ground trying to carry them).
GRAEME: Bill will just have to find the town dump!
BILL: Why do I always get the donkey work?
The government official approaches Tim and Graeme happily.
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: A wonderful job, Goodies - the town is proud of you!
We next see Tim and Graeme coming upstairs toward their office where they find Bill sitting on a stool outside the door sleeping soundly.
GRAEME: Yawn, that was hard work - I'm for bed!
TIM: Hey, there's Bill! He's beaten us home! Must've forgotten his key!
Bill awakens as Graeme moves to put his key into the lock of the office door.
BILL: Er ... I wouldn't go in there!
GRAEME: Why not?
Ignoring Bill's warning, Graeme opens the door (rather too hard because he slams Bill in the face with it) and Graeme and Tim immediately find themselves being deluged as the huge mass of garbage now filling their office from floor to ceiling piles out on top of them.
BILL: I couldn't find the rubbish dump, and I had to put the stuff SOMEWHERE!
The final panel sees the Goodies laying on individual park benches shivering from cold. A black cat sits at the foot of Graeme's bench.
GRAEME: We did the job so well we can't even find old newspapers to keep us warm!
TIM: Thanks to brainy Bill we can't sleep in our bedrooms!
BILL: Brrr . . . why do *I* always get the blame?
Sign-Off Line: THE GOODIES RETURN FOR MORE LAUGHS NEXT WEEK!
Additional material from this issue:
Two letters sent in by readers and published in the Quick Cor-ments section are of note in this issue:
"I have always been a great fan of THE GOODIES and always make sure to watch them whenever they appear on television. Not surprisingly, therefore, I am very pleased to see my favourite T.V. funsters featured in COR!! How about letting THE GOODIES have a go at tackling the dastardly *DR. RAT - I'm not too sure they'd be successful in bringing him to justice, but watching them try would be a bundle of laughs." - Ian Ogilvie, Boldon
(*Dr. Rat was a regular Cor!! feature in which a dastardly badd'un with the body of a human but face, tail and characteristics of a rat repeatedly avoided being arrested each week despite readers being urged to send in ideas for "traps" for the villain.)
"EARLY BIRD by John McCormack of Bebington - I bet I was the first reader of COR!! in 1973. At one minute past midnight on January 1st, I was reading the SWOPPER STAN adventure in the New Year issue. Incidentally, I think the two new features in COR!! .. THE GOODIES and FIVE-MINUTE WANDA .. are fantastic."
RATING (using the BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM):
III - Goody goody yum yum.
This comic outing actually encapsulates a lot within two pages, including many jokes and situations which would not have been at all out of place in an episode of the television series itself. First a government official enters to ask their help in solving a problem they apparently cannot handle themselves, then we're treated to one of Graeme's wild inventions, followed by a series of situations involving wildly outrageously visual humor, and finally a twist ending in which The Goodies are left out in the cold (too often the end result of their chosen profession).
The only thing keeping this from being a higher rated comic are some questionable physics (regarding the plausibility of gathering such high stacks of paper with cleats . . . even an outrageous situation should be possible in *some* sense to be truly funny) and a bit of stilted dialogue (particularly noticeable is the final panel where Tim simply states what should have been obvious about them not being able to sleep in their bedrooms ... the assumption would be that they felt there was a need to explain that the Goodies "live" in their offices as well as work there, something that's oddly not really touched upon in the comic strip ... although Graeme does mention as they approach the office that he's ready for bed and Tim refers to it as "home" rather than work, which should have been sufficient explanation). Graeme's final line about not being able to find newspapers to cover themselves up with is quite clever, and it's a shame *that* couldn't have been the last balloon in the panel. Instead they end on Bill's sad note of "Why do I always get the blame?" While keeping in line with his character, it is a bit of a downer. But these are very minor complaints ... all in all this is a fun episode with a lot going for it.
To view these strips online, you can now visit this page:
We'll post the currently reviewed issue plus the two previous issues for latecomers.
9. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
(a) Tim Brooke-Taylor
(b) "CHEEKY BLOODY MOUSE!!", then he whacks it angrily with a broom
(c) Punky Business (aka Rock Goodies)
(d) Loch Jaw School
(e) 25 pounds
(f) Amazing Gracie
(g) The Matron
(h) The Radio Times
8 Mastermind of the Year
7 Goodies Fan supreme
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0 Rolf Harris!
NEXT C&G EDITION: #82: 12th October 2002.
The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2002. All rights reserved.
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