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C&G 82 Oct 2002
#82 Oct 2002 - Print Email PDF 
Posted by bretta 21/11/2006

Index

» #82 Oct 2002

 
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
 
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
.
Issue No. 82                     12th October 2002
 
 
TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with UNSUBSCRIBE as the heading of your message. If you are using multiple or forwarded e-mail addresses, please specify the e-mail address which you originally used when subscribing, otherwise we may not be able to remove you from the mailing list.
 
TO OBTAIN THIS NEWSLETTER IN E-MAIL TEXT FORM:
E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> requesting transfer to the E-mail mailing list.
 
 
CLUB WEBSITE
 
 
E-MAIL ADDRESSES
 
Newsletter enquiries: clarion@goodiesruleok.com
General enquiries: enquiries@goodiesruleok.com
 
POSTAL ADDRESS
 
'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 325
Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA
 
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
 
 
EDITOR
- Brett Allender
 
ACE REPORTER:
- Lisa Manekofsky
 
COOL COR COMIC REVIEWER AND FEATURE ARTICLE CONTRIBUTOR:
- Linda Kay
 
C&G CONTRIBUTORS:
- Raymond, Ian Ayliffe
 
 
CONTENTS
 
1. QUIZ & QUOTE -                                           (p1)
Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you
2. GOODIES FOR SALE.                                   (p2)
3. 2001 AND A BIT                                            (p2)
 - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
4. GOODIES FEATURE ARTICLE (p3)
 - Night And Day - interview with Bill
5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY               (p4)
 - Cunning Stunts
6. GOODIES COR!! COMICS SYNOPSIS #11
                                                                            (p6)
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS                        (p9)
 
 
1. QUIZ & QUOTE
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
 
QUOTE: "Then there's aversion therapy, but I dunno, I've been put off that!"
(a) Which Goodie makes this quote?
(b) Who was he trying to give therapy to, and why?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
 
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode "The Commonwealth Games"
(d) Which sport does Tim claim that the Commonwealth was founded on?
(e) Where is the Minister Of Sport's office located?
(f) Which country do the Goodies compete against after all other nations boycott the Commonwealth Games?
(g) What kind of traditional welcome do they receive upon arriving in this country?
(h) What is the prize for the winning team?
 
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
 
 
2. GOODIES FOR SALE
 
Original Goodies 45s for sale ...
 
* 5 copies of "The Inbetweenies/Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me"
* 1 copy of "Black Pudding Bertha/Panic"
$10 each, postage negotiable
Contact Tracey Baird at <tra4ce@bigpond.com> for more details
 
 
3. 2001 AND A BIT
 
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.
 
BILL SPOTTINGS
 
* Bill Oddie will be included in "The Archive Hour" on BBC Radio 4 this Saturday, Sept. 28th. The following is taken from
 
The Archive Hour
Sat 28 Sep, 20:00 - 21:00 60 mins
 
This is Your Life reaches its 50th anniversary this month and Barry Cryer, who's been on the receiving end of 'the big red book', tells the story of a programme that began on American TV in October 1952.
 
He recalls celebrity appearances from Laurel and Hardy to Douglas Bader, the British version's first presenter Eamonn Andrews, and talks to the current presenter Michael Aspel. He discovers the secret codes and devices that keep people in the dark, meets 'victims' who said 'yes' like Bill Oddie and Max Bygraves, as well as remembering those who said 'no', such as footballer Danny Blanchflower's famous refusal. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l September 25th)
 
The Archive Hour - This Is Your Life
(by Lisa Manekofsky)
 
The 50th anniversary of "This Is Your Life" was the topic of the 28 September edition of BBC Radio 4's "The Archive Hour". The programme was hosted by Barry Cryer and included several quotes from Bill Oddie concerning his appearance on the show earlier this year. 
 
A short time into the Archive Hour broadcast narrator Barry said, "Bill Oddie nearly brought the programme to its knees when he was surprised by Michael Aspel during the filming of one of his birdwatching programmes"
 
Bill then said the following:
   "I wasn't reluctant when the big red book appeared; it was resentment, followed by anger. The resentment was I was having a very nice day filming down at the wild fowl trust in Slimbridge and I really didn't want to be interrupted [laughs]. There was this man on my shoulder waving this flipping book in me face. 
 
I was eventually persuaded to do the programme. My 16-year-old daughter did a fine job, first of all of insulting me into it. It was about 5 o'clock on the evening of the day I was supposed to do it and I'd put me mobile on and there was my daughter Rosie saying 'I hate you, I hate you, you wrecked our lives. We were all looking forward to it and you completely wrecked it. I'm never speaking to you again' and various swear words. So part of me thought at that point, 'if I don't do it, I'm going to be pilloried for the rest of my life for not doing it' and then afterwards, to give her her due, there was a slightly nicer message saying, 'it will be all right Dad, don't worry, because Mum's in charge of it.' 
 
The real pleasure I got out of the actual evening was enjoying my friends, by and large, not all of them, but most of them, having a nice time at BBC expense, or the production company, whoever it was, and they did look after them very well, you know, they brought people from a long distance, put them in a posh hotel. The nicest one of the lot was a little girl who'd written to me several times over the last year or two. She's about 12 now, and she'd first wrote to me because she'd knew that I'd had some sort of clinical depression a couple of years ago and she'd seen this and she wrote to me saying, 'oh, I had that.' And Laura, bless her, my wife, tracked her down and the BBC (or whoever pays for these things) brought her up to London with her parents, gave her a nice day out. She wasn't actually on the programme, never intended to be. But I thought that was very nice, you know. So there was a kindness about the programme, which I suspect is a lot better than it used to be."
 
At the conclusion of the show there was another brief quote from Bill, in which he mentioned the party that's given for the person who's just been honored by "This Is Your Life" and their friends after the show: "The nicest thing about it being over was, again, I felt that they, I'm sounding awfully altruistic, but I enjoyed just standing back and watching other people who hadn't met each other for a while mixing. And also people from different bits of my life, that was one of the nicest things, actually. Because I'm, you know, the very living embodiment of schizophrenia, I've got my sort of showbiz background, the comedy stuff from years ago, a few musical people, and also my bird people, as it were, and the wildlife presenters. So that was nice, and they put a nice spread on, and there was nice drink and I thought they did it very well."
 
 
GRAEME SPOTTINGS
 
* The film "The Student Prince", in which Graeme Garden has a small role, is scheduled to air on BBC America on September 29th at 10:30 p.m. and Sept. 30th at 3:00 a.m. (Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l September 12th)
 
* The episode of "Yes Minister" in which Graeme Garden appears ("The Death List") is scheduled to be released on DVD in the UK on 30th September. It will be on the "Yes Minister - Series 2" DVD (http://www.blackstar.co.uk/video/item/7000000072050 )
(Lisa Manekofsky - Goodies-l September 26th)
 
* "The Death List" episode is scheduled to air on the Australian Pay TV channel UKTV (available on Foxtel and Austar) Monday 28/October/2002 at 21:00, with a repeat most likely on Saturday 02/November/2002 at 20:00. I say "most likely" because the November schedules haven't been released yet and I'm only guessing from their previous pattern of airing the show. (Raymond - Goodies-l - September 27th)
 
* Just read an item on the latest Doctor Who CD to be released by Big Finish productions. Graeme plays the absent minded Professor Ivor Fassbinder in a story with Sylvester McCoy called "Bang-Bang-a-Boom!".
More details on http://www.doctorwho.co.uk/ (Ian Ayliffe – Goodies-l – October 10th)
 
More Tea, Anyone?
(by Lisa Manekofsky, with the special assistance of Graeme Garden!)
 
A second recording of "You'll Have Had Your Tea" is scheduled to take place this month in London. The radio show is a spin-off from "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" and is based on the Hamish and Dougal sketches that Graeme Garden and Barry Cryer use in the Sound Charades rounds.
 
The first recording of "Tea" was done in January. We asked Graeme Garden about the long gap between the two recordings. He explained that the shows recorded on 26 January were made as a pilot. After going through its lengthy decision making process, the BBC finally decided to commission another two episodes. The current plan is for all four shows to be broadcast on consecutive days during Christmas week, although the exact dates and times have not yet been determined.
 
Graeme told us that doing the shows is great fun; he always finds it a pleasure to work with Jeremy Hardy and Alison Steadman (plus Barry Cryer, of course). In addition, Graeme's son John is Musical Director for the series.
 
 
4. FEATURE ARTICLE
(contributed by Linda Kay)
 
NIGHT AND DAY
May 5, 2002
Roots Section
 
His mother's debilitating mental illness meant BILL ODDIE was left to his own devices as a child. He discovered self-sufficiency and a love of birds.
 
FLIGHTS OF FANCY
Interview by Celia Walden
 
One of my pet hates is the radio being left on in the house so that all you can hear are indistinguishable chattering voices. I think it is linked to wartime memories of voices proclaiming: 'Today 15 Spitfires were shot down.' I associate radio news with bad news. Other memories are hazier: I can conjure up pictures of faded ration books, but it surprises me to be called a 'war baby' when I don't even recall the day it ended. I was born in Rochdale, Lancashire, in a semi-detached house with a rockery surrounded by wild strawberries. I have a dreamlike memory of looking across a hillside from there and seeing a burning tank. That sight always stuck in my mind.
 
I grew up in a very peculiar setup. I lived with my father and grandmother; my mother was a stranger to me. It was proper 'Didn't we 'ave it tough?' stuff then, although we weren't badly off because my father was an accountant. My mother remained totally absent. I had a sister who died at about a week old, which may have been partly the reason for my mother's deteriorating mental state.
 
She was schizophrenic and the few memories I do have of her are weird and ghastly. I once came home from school to find every plate in the house smashed and blood all over the floor. I found out later that she had turned up and viciously attacked my father. Children are seemingly impervious to such traumatic experiences but recently it has all come back to haunt me.
 
My grandmother looked like a little Rhesus monkey: tiny with hair tightly pulled back into a bun and big protruding false teeth that formed a permanent grin. My father and I would watch her sleep and try to guess which loud snore would finally cause her false teeth to roll out of her mouth.
 
She dominated my father. She would insist on running the house and never gave him any time to himself. It was not insignificant that when she died, the first thing that my dad did was clear out a room filled with her belongings. We moved to a cobbled street called St Albans Terrace when I was five. It was a row of houses that led to a cotton mill, and it lacked only clogs, headscarves and Gracie Fields to be ' quintessentially Lancastrian. Opposite was a derelict cemetery that my friends and I would play in. I became convinced that I had seen a white hand protruding from.one of the graves - in retrospect, it was probably a prank by one of my friends.
 
My first love was a girl named jean at St Albans primary school. We were once forced to sing a duet together from Christopher Robin. It contained the memorable and not unerotic line: 'Wasn't it fun in the bath tonight?' Even though I was barely six years old, I found singing it terribly embarrassing.
 
Shortly afterwards we moved to Birmingham and I never saw Jean again; I sometimes wonder what she is doing now. There was the initial fear of moving somewhere different but when my father and I arrived in our new street, suitcases in hand, I spotted a group of boys playing cowboys and Indians and thought: 'I'll be all right here.'
 
As with many schoolboys, I became interested in birds early on. By the time I was nine I was as interested in the birds themselves as in the act of collecting things to do with them. I bought myself a little book on birds and before long became something of an expert. Not having a mother around had made me used to catering for my own interests, and I was happy to spend hours alone in the wild, learning to recognise bird calls.
 
Every now and again, my mother would escape from her mental hospital and I would glean that she was once again 'at large'. I remember once walking into the bathroom and seeing this big fat woman in the bath. I was later told this was my mother. My father had explained her illness to me, as well as the fact that she was dangerous. Only once was she allowed home for the weekend and it turned very nasty: she had to be dragged kicking and screaming from the house.
 
When I reached 16, I was taken to her mental hospital - it was a complete One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest experience. I was led down the yellowing corridors, past a man who thought he was Napoleon, and into a private room. There, behind a screen, was my mother. All I remember her saying was: 'Television is dead bodies and cardboard.' The whole thing was an experiment to see whether she would recognise her son. She didn't.
 
It was when we bought a television that I first became interested in comedy. I loved 'Just William' because it seemed to be about me, and 'Educating Archie' made me howl with laughter.
 
Academically, I did well, but it was at sport that I really excelled. On my first day at King Edward's school, Birmingham, I remember playing football and running after a ball along with another boy. I got there first and noticed that the whole playground had frozen in disbelief. I ran self-consciously back, confused, until someone whispered: 'You just beat the school sprint champion.'
 
I went on to become rugby captain and school prefect. I had natural leadership qualities, but as I got older I became increasingly cynical and was disliked by my headmaster. I think I shocked him by getting into Cambridge on an interview alone. I received the classic comment on my report card - the one everyone who goes into show business hopes they will get: 'If he thinks he can make a career out of making people laugh, he has another thing coming.'
 
Once at Cambridge I made friends with Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graham Chapman and John Cleese. We were lucky enough to have inherited a great comic tradition from Peter Cook and Jonathan Miller, and formed the motto 'Back to music hall' because we believed comedy had become too politicised. I am happy that my father lived to see the moment in 1963 when we performed on Broadway - it seemed to mark the moment we officially succeeded.
 
Bill Oddie's 'Introduction to Bird Watching' is published by New Holland, priced at £12.99
 
 
5. GOODIES EPISODE SUMMARY
(by Brett Allender)
 
CUNNING STUNTS
 
Series 5, Episode 10
First screened: 14th April 1975
.
PLOT
 
Tim is the chief editor of the Goodies 'Clarion & Globe' newspaper, which covers all of the news that is fit to print (and quite a bit that isn't!) and he is besieged by phone calls, while his assistant Bill sits there looking dumbstruck and being of no use at all. Ace reporter Graeme returns with a scoop for the front page, but his story is only about a parrot feed scandal (and a photo of a dog with lots of bosoms!), so he is fired by Tim and Bill is made into the new reporter and told to go out and get a story.
 
All sorts of exciting things happen around him while he walks the street (including a bank robbery and a peek at the 'crown jewels' of bonny Prince Charles!), but Bill is so mopey that he merely returns to the office with the earth shattering news that his hat blew off and not even his favourite monster-sized sandwich with the lot can change his mood. Graeme suspects that it's a hernia, but it turns out that Bill is hopelessly in love with Mildred, the daughter of rich loony tycoon Sir Joshua Makepiece who is so miserable that he will offer the hand of his daughter in marriage to the first person who makes him laugh again.
 
The Goodies travel to Makepiece Manor on the trandem (with the useless Bill towed along in a basket on the back) and the others try to prepare Bill for his meeting with Sir Joshua, but he is too distracted by thoughts of Mildred to remember any jokes or funny noises. His attempt at visual humour fails miserably when his silly disguise makes him look exactly like an unimpressed Sir Joshua and his dismal mood leads him to being sacked from the Goodies and sent on his way, with just a piece of cheese (mousetrap variety) being the only token of appreciation for his years of service.
 
Tim and Graeme are inundated with responses for a replacement third Goody, with requests from a young man with naval experience who lives in a big house in the middle of London (but who has to square it with Mum first!) and the ruddy band of the Coldstream Guards (who come to the door playing the Monty Python theme, but are told to "push off" by Graeme!). Meanwhile Bill's sad story of rejection and humiliation finally gets Sir Joshua cackling his head off, but he is still unable to marry Mildred, as she has left home because she couldn't stand living with her miserable old twit of a father any longer.
 
Bill returns to the newspaper office feeling all perky and upbeat again and ready to reclaim his old job, however he is horrified when he realises that the others have hired none other than Mildred to replace him. He complains that they have only hired her as a bit of crumpet (and gets a very unconvincing disagreement from Tim), so he heads off to do something silly after Mildred rejects him in favour of her new career. He contemplates hurling himself off a pier, only to walk away after several attempts, which leaves a pursuing policeman to overbalance and topple into the drink instead.
 
Tim soon finds himself cast in the role of 'a bit of fluff' as Mildred sexually harrasses him by pinching him on the bum and she invites him to her place for a bit of way-hey-hey! A very coy and wide-eyed Graeme also takes the opportunity to suck up to his new boss until she bursts his bubble by insulting him, so he and Tim set off in a bid to get Bill back. However Bill has decided to end it all and signs up as the sole entrant in the Eurovision Raving Loony Contest (much to the shock of the organiser who has a heart attack when Bill signs the entry form), where the object is to hurt, maim or kill oneself while impressing the judging panel of eminent and very loopy psychiatrists.
 
Graeme and Tim form the Rest of the World team, but despite their excellent 'falling down' as Fritz and Fratz and two mucho loco Spaniards, a depressed Bill is looking like a certain winner. After many painful and spectacular tumbles and collisions, they catch up with Bill in mid air after being shot skywards from a cannon and manage to convince him to rejoin the group. However they don't manage to get him to open the parachute quite quickly enough and a plaster-covered wheelchair-bound Tim and Graeme are crowned joint contest winners, to the mad cheering of the crowd.
 
CLASSIC QUOTES
 
* Tim: "I want a story with warmth, drama, human interest … and big bosoms!"
 
* Tim (reading his advert): "Wanted ... third Goody to share. Grotty little hairy frustrated pop stars need not apply."
 
* Bill (to Sir Joshua): "These so-called friends, those callous swine have given me the boot, they ... they threw me out and fobbed me off with a rotten old piece of cheese. Then they tried to replace me with ... Nicholas Parsons!"
 
* Bill (to Tim & Graeme about Mildred): "That's what you wanted all along, hey ... a bit of crumpet around the office" ... "a quick snog behind the filing cabinet, yeah ... that's what you two were after isn't it?"
Tim: "Bill, I don't know how you could say that. Mildred is quite clearly suited to the job on account of her long legs ... er, experience, experience! She has extremely impressive bosoms ... breasts ... er, qualifications. She has a splendidly pert cheeky pinchable little ... little ... degree in economics and sociology and a terrific bum, bum ... er, bottom and I'm sure we'll all enjoy groping her ... er, working her ... er, working with her."
 
* Mildred (after pinching Tim on the bum): "Oh come on, don't be so outraged. That's what you expect isn't it, a bit of slap and tickle from the boss, eh? If you're no good for that, what are you good for?"
Tim: "Just what do you think I am?!"
Mildred: "A pretty little thing! And that's about all."
 
* Tim (after getting his cheeks tweaked again): "Get off! You ... you female chauvinist sow! I ... I'm not your little bit of fluff you know!"
Mildred: "No, but there's plenty who wish they were, hey Mr Garden?"
Graeme (all wide-eyed and innocent): "I'm sure I don't know what you mean, miss!"
 
* Mildred (with Graeme sitting on her lap gazing longingly at her): "Let me look at you. Take your glasses off, Mr Garden." (Graeme removes glasses and keeps staring at her) "No, not really on, is it!"
Graeme: "YOU COW!!"
 
* Katie Pimple: "For those of you who haven't read the Radio Times, ... and let's face it, who the hell does ...!"
 
CLASSIC SCENES
 
* Bill getting sent out to collect the big headline story for the Clarion & Globe, but being so lovesick over Mildred that he fails to notice all kinds of dramatic happenings around him, including a house fire, a bank robbery (where the fleeing robbers shoot his hat off), the Prime Minister streaking around the streets in his undies, London Bridge falling down and a 'royal flash' from Cheeky Charlie (apart from recovering his lid from the 'hat rack' inside the royal robes!). He then returns to the newsroom with the sensational scoop that "me hat blew off!"
 
* The attempt to get the miserable Sir Joshua Makepeace to laugh which fails dismally when the lovestruck Bill ( who cannot master a joke or a silly noise) is dressed up in a bright orange wig, moustache and chipmunk teeth and told to wave his hands in the air, only to find that Sir Joshua looks exactly the same and is totally unimpressed with the imitation (even offering a hostile silly noise of "mim mim mim eek eek phhht" himself!). Also the later scenes where Bill finally cracks up Sir Joshua with his sad tale of being rejected by Mildred and the other Goodies, fobbed off with a piece of cheese and attempted to be replaced by everyone from Nicholas Parsons to a wooden dummy of Roger Moore (which could have even been the real one!)
 
* The various scenes with the Goodies and Mildred in the Clarion & Globe office (covered extensively in the 'quotes' section) where Tim firstly welcomes a bit of crumpet in the office, but finds that he has bitten off more than he can chew when Mildred starts sexually harrassing him! Also Graeme's shy sucking-up to Mildred (at least until she rejects him when he takes his glasses off) is quite hilarious to watch.
 
* Much of the Eurovision Raving Loony Contest footage which contains a large number of spectacular and amusing visual gags including the Falling Down contest (one of Graeme's specialties!), the struggle to stay afoot among all the banana skins, a runaway circular saw blade cutting the support rope under a ladder and flattening it with the Goodies tumbling to the deck (another classic piece of theme footage), Bill headbutting a truck and the final failed parachute landing to name a few.
 
GUEST STARS
 
Tessa Wyatt, Roland MacLeod, Karin MacCarthy
 
GOODIES SONGS
 
Slow News Day (probably not the correct title)
Crazy Man
 
MY 2 CENTS WORTH
 
Another great episode which offers a heap of hilarious dialogue from the femmo icon Mildred Makepiece and stacks of amusing visuals like Bill's streetwalk and the European Raving Loony Contest footage as well as providing the name of the 'Clarion & Globe' for our own splendid Goodies monthly newsletter.
 
 
RATING
 
IIII       Officially amazing
 
BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM:
 
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III   - Goody goody yum yum.
II    - Fair-y punkmother.
I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.
 
November Episode Summary –
South Africa
 
 
6. GOODIES COR COMICS SYNOPSIS #11
(by Linda Kay)
 
Issue 146
17th March 1973 No. 34
 
Cover banner: "Laugh with TV Stars The Goodies - Inside!"
 
Cor!! Comics had the opportunity to take their comic strip for The Goodies and really run with it, expanding on ideas which might have been done on the show itself, and even some which would likely have been impossible with the budget restrictions for special effects on film. The freedom of the comics page allowed the artists' imaginations to run free, and with The Goodies television episodes as inspiration it's little wonder they came up with some wonderful flights of fancy, as this month's reviewed comic definitely proves to be.
 
Header: THE GOODIES DON'T SHRINK FROM HELPING TO SAVE BRITAIN!
 
The Goodies are in their office, waiting for a giant-sized washing machine (which by the Vertical Hold and Contrast buttons seems to have been a television set in a previous life ... this is presumably one of Graeme's makeshift inventions) to finish washing most of their clothes. They're essentially wearing briefs, socks and undershirts (Bill is wearing a Goodies tee). Tim is also wearing a small hat and tie and Graeme is wearing his cap and a scarf. Bill sits holding a large box of Brand X washing powder while Tim and Graeme stand and hold newspapers over their lower halves. A cat (the same black and white cat seen in the background of previous comics) sits quietly on a desk.
 
TIM: Huh . . . We really will have to buy more than one set of clothes each! I feel a right ninny every wash day!
 
A sharp dressed man from Parliament stumbles into the offices looking as if he is under much stress. As Bill gets up he drops the soap box onto the cat, who is now on the floor.
 
PARLIAMENT OFFICIAL: Quick! Puff! Parliament wants to see you at once!
 
GRAEME: Coo!
 
BILL: We're really in the *big* time!
 
The Goodies are seen pedalling their trandem (the wrong way down a one way street, in fact), still clad in their meagre dress (the newspapers are now tied around Tim and Graeme's waists and they have all put on shoes). Bill is barely hanging onto the back of the bike. The Parliament official runs ahead of them, explaining the situation.
 
PARLIAMENT OFFICIAL: Puff ... A power-mad scientist has invented a shrinking ray, he's holding the country ransom! You're the only ones who can save us! Gasp!
 
BILL: Pity we didn't have time to wait until our clothes were ready!
 
They reach Parliament only to find it is smaller than even the letter box sitting next to it! This hasn't reduced the amount of political debate inside, however, as tiny voices can be seen shouting "Hon. Member of Addleswick ... Rhubarb ... Point of order ... Resign! Etc. Etc. Etc."
 
PARLIAMENT OFFICIAL: Oh, no! The shrinker rogue has struck again! The Houses of Parliament have been reduced to the size of a dolls' house!
 
BILL: That's just the size it looks on our nine inch telly!
 
The Goodies ride off, Tim with a list of clues the Parliament official has apparently given them. A reporter is taking an aerial shot of the miniscule Houses of Parliament (by simply standing above them.)
 
PARLIAMENT OFFICIAL: It's up to you, stop him and his gang, before he shrinks the world!
 
TIM: The only clue we've got is that the gang drive a striped car, number URAF 00L, and operate from Shrinko Ltd.'s Warehouse!
 
GRAEME: Not much to go on!
 
BILL: We'll try looking down by the river! It's a pretty ride!
 
The Goodies spot a black and white striped car (that would be rather hard *not* to spot) as they approach Tower Bridge (which has a SOLD sign on it).
 
TIM: Look, that could be the scientist's mob!
 
BILL: Let's follow and ask them!
 
They start across the bridge, with the gang's car well ahead of the Goodies' trandem. We can see ray beams coming from the bad guys' car.
 
GOON IN CAR: Bah, The Goodies are on our trail. Use the ray!
 
The bridge shrinks to about the size of the trandem, leaving The Goodies (and a startled motorist behind them) suspended cartoon-fashion, in mid-air.
 
GRAEME: Aargh! He's shrunk the bridge!
 
TIM: Put on the air brakes someone!
 
BILL: Going down!
 
The Goodies are now riding underwater in the Thames, but it's as if a whole underwater community is normally there anyway (either that or everyone has adapted very quickly after the bridge has been shrunk!) ... a policeman in scuba gear directs them, a double decker bus is making its way casually in the opposite direction. Even the fish seem only slightly bemused as they pass, Tim looking through a periscope.
 
BILL: (Thinking) We're really in deep water on this case! Blurble!
 
GRAEME: (Thinking) Oh well, I was due to wash my socks this month anyway!
 
TIM: (Thinking) They've stopped at a warehouse Yes - Shrinko Ltd!
 
They pedal up a boat ramp onto the shore where they see the black and white striped car parked outside a large building with the placard "Shrinko Ltd." prominently on the front.
 
TIM: We've got them trapped now!
 
BILL: But suppose they use their ray on us?
 
The Goodies rush into the laboratory of the evil professor, who is standing at a worktable with two goons in black trenchcoats, wide brimmed hats and sunglasses.
 
TIM: We are The Goodies Your baddie game is up!
 
GOON: Let them have it with the shrinking ray, Professor!
 
Graeme quickly grabs a full-length mirror and pulls it between The Goodies and the bad guys as the Professor fires his ray gun at them.
 
GRAEME: Quick, hide behind this mirror!
 
The Professor and goons find themselves the size of mice, along with the mirror and the table they were standing behind.
 
TIM: I see! On reflection that wasn't a bad idea of yours, Graeme!
 
PROFESSOR: Aargh! The mirror rebounded the ray onto us!
 
Bill leans down to threaten the bad guys with a serious poking of his finger.
 
BILL: Now tell us where the antidote is, or we'll set the cat on you!
 
GOON: No, not the cat!
 
PROFESSOR: We give in!
 
LATER ...
 
The Goodies are receiving a rousing fanfare from the Parliament Official and a group of happy citizens within view of Big Ben. They stand astride their trandem, still barely dressed but looking quite proud.
 
PARLIAMENT OFFICIAL: You've saved the country, Goodies
 
TIM: It was nothing - anything, you know!
 
BACK AT HOME ...
 
The Goodies rush in to find their telly / washing machine running completely amok.
 
GRAEME: Oh, no ... we've left the washing machine on all this time
 
TIM: Goodness knows what'll have happened to our clothes!
 
They soon find out as they try on their clothes, only to find they have shrunken to ridiculous proportions.
 
TIM: I wish we'd used the shrinking ray on ourselves . . . at least our shrunken clothes would
have fitted us!
 
GRAEME: Huh ... looks like it's back to newspaper for us!
 
Sign-Off Line: GIANT-SIZED FUN IS IN STORE WHEN THE GOODIES RETURN NEXT WEEK!
 
RATING (using the BLACK PUDDING RATING SYSTEM):
 
IIIII - Superstar.
 
This comic really tips its hats to the Goodies and gives fans a lot of not-so obvious stuff to ingest and enjoy, such as Graeme's washing machine / telly and the somewhat "in" joke of Tim commenting on how they only have one set of clothes each (a reference to their standard "costumes" which they came to wear in practically every show, although these did change over the years). 
 
It's richly drawn with much to look at (even the traffic policeman in the fourth panel has four arms and a sign on the street reads "Never Ever Any Waiting"). In panel five as The Goodies are looking at the tiny Houses of Parliament, a headline on the newspaper around Graeme's waist reads "Parliament Reduced." The dialogue really shines in panel six when Tim's reading out a dream list of clues (including the gang's car description, license number and the location of their operations) only to have Graeme bemoan it isn't much to go on and Bill suggest they look down by the river because "It's a pretty ride." Also in panel nine the license plate of the car reads "Cor 146", the issue in which this comic appears!
 
The art in this issue is particularly splendid ... cartoonish enough to be fun yet the renderings of the tiny Parliament and the Tower Bridge are quite impressive. It's busy in a good way, giving readers the chance to re-read, discover and rediscover all the fun background gags. At first glance one might not notice the open and empty safe embedded deep in the Thames riverbed in
panel ten ... not to mention the unexploded bomb accompanied by an equally unexploded mine sitting innocently in the background while a submarine chugs along in the distance. In panel eleven there are several fish jumping off The Goodies as they exit the water. And in panel twelve we can see some of the casualties of the professor's shrink ray as a tiny chair and a tiny elephant stand in the middle of the floor (both seriously in danger of being trodden on by The Goodies as they rush in). Even the headlines on the newspaper in panel thirteen (i.e. Man Bites Iguana) are worth a second look!
 
The writing is tight, the jokes are funny, and the situation is perfect for The Goodies. Even a strange lack of punctuation in places can't take away from this one. A good example of a comic strip gone completely right.
 
To view these strips online, you can now visit this page:
 
We'll post the currently reviewed issue plus the two previous issues for latecomers.
 
 
7. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
 
(a) Graeme Garden
(b) To Tim, in an attempt to cure his hangup about his bellybutton.
(c) Earthanasia (the "end of the world" one!)
(d) Cricket
(e) Inside the clockface of Big Ben
(f) The August Bank Holiday Islands
(g) They have rifles fired at them by the islanders (and get pelted with coconuts for good measure!)
(h) Control of the Commonwealth
 
YOUR SCORE:
8    Mastermind of the Year
7    Goodies Fan supreme
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0    Rolf Harris!
 
NEXT C&G EDITION: #83: 12th November 2002.
 
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The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2002. All rights reserved.
Permission to reproduce this work or any section of it, in any form must first be obtained from the copyright holders.
 
For further information regarding this publication please e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.
For other general enquiries about the 'Goodies Rule - OK' fan club or 'The Goodies' itself, please e-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com>
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