» #100 Apr 2004
THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
SPECIAL 100TH EDITION 12th April 2004
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'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 325
Chadstone VIC 3148, AUSTRALIA
THE LADS AND LASSES
OF THE 100TH C&G
- Brett Allender
- Alison Bean
- Lisa Manekofsky
- Graeme Garden
- Tim Brooke-Taylor
1. C&G RETROSPECTIVE- Editions 1 to 53 1
2. KITTEN KON - our biggest Boffo Idea. 4
3. C&G RETROSPECTIVE - Editions 54 to 99 6
4. GOODIES Q&A 8
Graeme and Tim answer more of our questions
5 FEATURE ARTICLE - Politics - Cut Scenes 10
6. GOODIES SCAVENGER HUNT – 15
Your chance to win a club t-shirt.
7. 2004 AND A BIT – 16
Future projects for the next 100 editions
1. C&G RETROSPECTIVE
EDITIONS 1 TO 53
(by Alison Bean)
When I started exploring the internet in 1995 one of the first things I did was search for websites about The Goodies. I found pitifully few, but was impressed by Melinda Casino's because it contained information about The Goodies that I didn't know. Melinda later started an internet-based fan club for The Goodies and produced a regular newsletter that contained even more information about the Goodies that I didn't know. After a short time Melinda announced her retirement from fan activities, but she agreed to help publicise a new group, which I started. By the time I sent out the first C&G, only 17 people had joined the group, but with the advent of a website and further publicity this steadily rose.
If you're one of those original 17, I'd like to thank you for sticking with us, because, frankly, those first few issues were a bit ropey (never mind the spelling mistakes). There were no feature articles and very little current news, just a few half-remembered snippets of Goodies info and a hope that others would be willing to contribute. By the time I retired as editor after four and a half years the C&G had a team of regular and semi-regular writers whose work was read by over a thousand people around the world each month. Now that I no longer edit the newsletter none of those readers is more enthusiastic than I and I am continually surprised and delighted by the C&G's contents each month.
Here are what I consider to be the highlights of the 50 or so issues I edited. For ease I have categorised them. They are in no particular order.
1. FEATURE ARTICLES
The C&G's first feature article was 'The Goodies vs The ABC' by Vanessa Meachan with Rohan Byrnes. This mammoth three-parter (spread across C&Gs #10, #12 and #13) provided a detailed list of all the bits censored by the ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) when it screened The Goodies in the 70s and 80s. Andrew Pixley was able to provide the edited sections from 'Commonwealth Games' (episode 2.2) for C&G #49, as well as a definitive list of episode names in C&G #43 and a wonderful article about the Goodies sketches for 'Engelbert and the New Generation' in C&G #45.
Regular contributors such as David Balston, Keith Topping, Catherine Sumnall and Matthew K. Sharp provided many reviews of the stage, TV and radio appearances of Tim, Bill and Graeme. Keith got the ball rolling in C&G #17 with a glowing review of the nature series 'Birding with Bill Oddie'. David Balston contributed many excellent reviews, including the 'If I Ruled The World' pilot (C&G #19), the recording of 'If I Ruled The World' episode 1.6 (C&G #29), the radio programmes 'This Won't Hurt' with Graeme Garden and 'WowFabGroovy' with Bill Oddie and Tim Brooke-Taylor's pantomime appearances ('Aladdin' - C&G #26 and 'Jack in the Beanstalk' - C&G #38).
Catherine Sumnall's astonishing output filled many an issue. In C&Gs #43, #44 and #45 alone she reviewed Bill Oddie's stage show 'Follow That Bird, typed up an interview with Bill from the local paper, then managed to get Bill to answer some questions for the C&G, before reminding us that Bill did a Kentucky Fried Chicken advert (so much for the birds!), reviewing 'Marty' (the 1960s sketch show co-starring Tim Brooke-Taylor) and provided this amusing tit-bit:
In a recent edition of 'The News Quiz' (Radio 4's even funnier answer to the excellent 'Have I Got News For You') the inimitable Jeremy Hardy gave this as his press cutting (NB. this is from memory and therefore probably hopelessly inaccurate): "I was talking to my friend Graeme Garden in Oxfordshire last week, 'cos we were smashing up hotels in a cocaine-fuelled frenzy [BIG LAUGH FROM AUDIENCE] and he told me he'd heard on the news something about police recruitment from ethnic minorities. A West Indian spokesman stood up and said: 'We've got a lot of bright intelligent young people in this community. We don't want them joining the police force'."
Matthew K. Sharp, already a legend for his 'Goodies Fact File' and various websites, wrote several reviews for the C&G. 'The Lost Films of Orson Welles', about a series of short comedy films featuring Orson Welles, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden appeared in C&G #18, while a review of the CD compilation 'Yum, Yum - The Best of The Goodies' was a highlight of C&G #20.
And last but not least, there were Brett Allender's Goodies episode summaries, the first of which appeared in C&G #27. These are still a popular section of the C&G and are also available in book form, which you can order through the website (oh, what a giveaway!).
3. SHARING THE KNOWLEDGE
From the start the C&Gs featured short tit-bits of information, alongside lengthier articles. An ongoing theme in the early days was the compilation of a list of jokes and comic themes that were recycled in other Brooke-Taylor/Garden/Oddie projects, along with lists of costumes and props that turned up in other BBC productions. See C&Gs #4-6 for details. C&G #16 also brought the news that 'Red Dwarf' and the Australian sitcom 'Hey Dad' had ripped off jokes from The Goodies, which is very un-chum-like behaviour in anyone's book.
4. PEOPLE WHO ARE WILLING TO TYPE STUFF UP
Magazine and newspaper articles, even extracts from books were typed up for the C&G. David McAnally started the trend in C&G #3 by typing-up the cover notes from a whole stack of books by The Goodies. Keith Topping typed-up a Radio Times article about a typical day in the life of Bill Oddie in C&G #30 and Jonathan Sloman must have barely had time to recover between typing up parts of The Goodies Annual 1974 for C&Gs #42 and #44, before he tackled Tim and Graeme's appearances on Call My Bluff in C&G #46.
5. THE APPEARANCE OF ACTUAL GOODIES
Both Tim and Graeme contacted the club in 1997. Tim's e-mail to the club featured right at the start of C&G #22 and a mere one issue later we had him answering questions on everything from his reaction to the ABC censoring the shows, to the Monty Python versus The Goodies issue. In his final question and answer session (C&G #26) Tim was asked what he thought of the internet. His answer? "It's worth it alone for C&G." Bless.
6. READER COMMENTS
A comment made by Bill Oddie about the scripting of The Goodies during his appearance on the 1996 Australian television retrospective '40 Years of TV Stars' generated a lot of controversy in C&Gs #11 and #12. "Graeme and I wrote it with Tim's pen, basically. And we used to pay him a certain amount of money to keep out of the way and, um, he had a few ideas, though we said 'Well that's it, thank you very much, you go away and play golf'." Ouch!
Back in C&G #13, the question of what The Goodies would be satirising if they were still on television was raised. Nick McCarthy, who was obviously very taken with 1997's biggest film suggested this:
"I think the film 'Independence Day' would by an easy target. It would be called, 'The Goodies Day of Independence' and see a return of the mysterious trombone-playing aliens who first invaded the Knutter's Knoll Nightspot in 1979: Massive flying saucers have covered the skies of the Earth and destroyed everything but the Salvation Army hostels. All Salvo trombonists have been abducted and The Goodies must leap into action and attempt a daring rescue. Graeme would play the goofy scientist (Jeff Goldblum character), Bill would play the 'kick arse' soldier (Will Smith character) and Tim would play the patriotic President (Bill Pullman character). The Goodies must salvage their abandoned moonrocket (from the failed 1973 mission to rescue space bunnies Flopsy and Spiro) in order to penetrate the invader's craft and destroy it with one of Graeme's home made atom bombs. Tim would act as a 'Presidential Supernun' and plant the atomic device..."
Asked the same question in C&G #23 Tim Brooke-Taylor replied "Off the top of my head I think joining up with Europe would be a useful topic. And I dare say there'd be the Spice Boys. Boys!"
7. QUESTIONS ANSWERED...ALMOST
Over the years many people wrote in with questions and were provided with answers. A query about the black and white episodes of The Goodies was resolved over several issues (C&Gs #47 & #48), while people wanting to know where they could buy Goodies videos seemed to write in to every other issue. But no one seemed to know anything further about this interesting Goodies sighting from Hugh McGuiness, which appeared way back in C&G #4: "I have a (comic) book co-authored by BO: "Supertot and the Robotty Potty Plot" (I kid you not :-). It's about a baby with super powers foiling an alien invasion." I'll ask the question again...anyone got any more info?
8. CLUB ACTIVITIES
Over the years The Goodies Rule - OK! has held numerous video nights and Kitten Kon, a three-day convention. These were invariably written up in a style that suggested that the main participants hadn't quite recovered. Following Kitten Kon a special C&G was written, but perhaps the most bizarre gathering was Nick McCarthy's third Melbourne video night. Plugging the event in C&G #30 Nick said: "You know it makes sense! If it doesn't, then my cattle-prod comes out of storage!" Thankfully it didn't.
9. POINTLESS TRIVIA
In C&G #19 Keith Topping typed-up an article from the British woman's magazine 'Saturday' which detailed the contents of Bill Oddie's fridge. You can't say the C&G never covered all bases.
Finally, what would a fanzine about comedy be without a laugh? This Quote of the Month, taken from the episode 'Football Crazy' appeared in C&G #16 and became a firm favourite of many fans:
GRAEME AS LAWRIE MCMENEMY IN THE KALIBER BEER AD IS STANDING IN A TV CONTROL ROOM, WITH A FOOTBALL MATCH PLAYING ON THE MONITORS BEHIND HIM. HE TAKES A DRINK FROM A FULL PINT GLASS.
GG: If you think you'd enjoy this, you'd be right.
GRAEME TAKES ANOTHER DRINK
GG: If you think it's a lager, mind, you'd be wrong.
GRAEME HAS ANOTHER DRINK, THIS TIME SKULLING THE WHOLE GLASS.
GG: Neat scotch!
GRAEME COLLAPSES FROM SKULLING THE GLASS OF SCOTCH
2. KITTEN KON
OUR BIGGEST BOFFO IDEA
The "Kitten Kon" convention held in Melbourne during Easter 2000, and featuring the legendary Tim-Brooke-Taylor, is by far the greatest achievement of "The Goodies Rule OK" to date and certainly worth revisiting in our 100th C&G. Our thanks once again to everyone who made it the outstanding success that it was - particularly those people specifically mentioned in the Kitten Kon C&G, http://www.goodiesruleok.com/showcag.php?issue=KittenKon , which is well worth a read if you haven't seen it before. The following review is an extract from the Kitten Kon C&G of May 2000, written by Alison Bean (with Brett Allender's biro!):
Back in November 1996 when I first had the idea for a Goodies convention, I never thought it would actually happen. Or if it did happen that it would work. Luckily for me and the rest of you who attended Kitten Kon three weeks ago, someone else was loony enough to think that a Goodies convention would work. That someone was Tracey Baird. Without Tracey, Kitten Kon wouldn't have happened. It was a brilliant convention and we owe it all to Tracey's hard work and dedication.
The rest of the Kitten Kon team were fantastic too - Brett, Tom, Richard, Liz, Dean, Alison and Catherine. They, Tracey and I worked hard on Kitten Kon in the hope that it would be as successful as it was. The ultimate reward was when people started coming up to us and telling us how much fun they were having or that it was the best convention they had ever been to; never mind that we were having a great time or that we were raising thousands of the dollars for the Royal Melbourne Children's Hospital.
Many people have been asking when the next Goodies convention will be. And despite what a tired, hungry pack of bedraggled souls masquerading as the committee said on Easter Sunday - "NEVER AGAIN" - now that we've recovered some of us are mad enough to be thinking about Kitten Kon 2, so maybe we'll see you there in 2005? I do hope so.
Some of the many highlights of Kitten Kon included:
THE QUIZ NIGHT
Organised by Richard Nolan, this quiz night pitted teams of fans against each other as they answered eight rounds of questions on The Goodies, British comedy and cult British TV. The grand prize was a certificate for every team member which stated that they had hereby been deemed "Officially Amazing" by Tim Brooke-Taylor (not endorsed by the bespectacled Goody or the short hairy one).
Two teams drew for first place: those captained by C&G Ace Reporter David Balston and Goodies guru Matthew K. Sharp. David and Matthew were summoned forth to answer a tie-breaking question - "Which football team does Tim Brooke-Taylor support?" David provided the correct answer - Derby County, much to the disgust of Matthew ("I don't like sport!"). The wooden spoon went to The RubberDuckies, whose enthusiasm and distinct lack of knowledge was beloved by all.
TIM'S QUESTION AND ANSWER SESSIONS
Described by one fan affectionately as "the greatest name dropping session of all time", these Q&As were highly entertaining and not nearly long enough. After a wrestling-style introduction, and to great applause, Tim Brooke-Taylor took to the stage and delighted fans with stories about Prince Charles, Orson Welles, Bill Oddie's sex life, filming The Goodies and being a pop star. The only thing he wouldn't talk about was his bellybutton and he took great pains to remind us organisers that he had clearly stated that he would NOT discuss this issue!
To try and repeat this and other stories from the Q&As would not do them justice, but it is needless to say that Tim was charming, amusing and totally gorgeous on both days. Leaving the stage exhausted and to a standing ovation, Tim later returned to sign autographs for hours on end and to chat with people individually. What a guy!
Auctioneer Tom Marwede and cashier Richard Nolan did a brilliant job as the money kept rolling in, while Alison Bean and Catherine Carter carried on like bikini-clad girls at boxing matches displaying the lots to the crowd. Eager bidders fought it out for four of Tim's Goodies scripts, which went for between $100 and $150 each, and Goodies books signed by all three Goodies, which also went for over $100.
The most expensive item was a genuine Ecky Thump black pudding which went for $240. Its proud new owner was photographed being hit with it by Tim for The Age (newspaper) and claimed to be only slightly miffed when fake puddings went on sale the next day at $6 a pop, as he was chuffed to spend his money on a great cause.
The auction raised well over $3500 which will go direct to the Royal Melbourne Children's Hospital's Good Friday Appeal.
A few brave souls emerged from the Dallas Brooks Hall's toilets-cum-change-rooms around 7.30pm on Saturday clad in some rather strange outfits. Brett Allender made a smashing "Grand Master of Ecky Thump" with black belt and braces in place and a genuine Ecky Thump flat cap atop his noggin. Alison Bean tried to look suave as Greedy Graeme, but ruined the effect slightly by flashing her tomatoes at anyone who cared. Tracey Baird's Union Jack waistcoat was so accurate that Tim thought it was his and Nick McCarthy's Graeme costume was impeccable from the fuzzy chops to the leather knee patches and it greatly impressed the real Graeme in the video chat.
Lisa Clark destroyed a jumper and trousers to become a moth-eaten Jolly Rock lighthouse keeper and the Wauchope family (AKA The Imperials) were bizarre and delightful as a crowd of eager patriots waving at the Queen. Others came as a credible Bill Oddie and a Doctor Who alien (wrong convention, dear!). But Peter Wearden's long search for a bath plug with a ring on it paid off as he took first prize as Mr Saturday Night Grease. Peter's ability to do the Disco Heave on cue won him many fans, as did his open neck shirt and tight flares.
THE LIVE VIDEO LINK
For weeks phone calls and e-mails had been bouncing back and forth between the UK and Australia in the hope that we could pull this off. Five working days before Good Friday the Dallas Brooks Centre didn't have an ISDN line and Ed Brooke-Taylor (son of Tim and video phone supremo) had only just found a local tech who was willing to run the Melbourne end - and he was based in Adelaide. We were cutting it fine, but thanks to the hard work of Ed (of Motion Media, UK) and David Goss (of GVT Microbits, Adelaide), Telstra (Australian phone company) installed the line in time and we were all set.
And so a black and white, fuzzy image of Graeme and Bill appeared on the screen, which was quickly replaced by a crystal-clear, colour one, over 250 people (the committee in particular), went wild. When we eventually shut up and let Graeme and Bill speak we were treated to an hour and twenty minutes of hilarious banter between them and Tim. Highlights included Graeme's hideous curly, orange toupee, which Bill later whipped off Graeme's head to great cheers; Bill and Graeme's claim that Tim wasn't in fact Tim, but some bloke they'd met in a pub and sent down to Australia; Bill's impression of Rolf Harris and Graeme's impressions of Bananaman and Eddie Waring. An attempt to get Bill to sing "Wild Thing" didn't work because of the sound lag, but Bill delighted many when he revealed that he has the original recordings of many of the Goodies songs from the series, which do not appear on the albums. We can only hope that he plans to release them on CD at some stage.
A lucky few got the chance to wave at or embarrass themselves in front of Graeme and Bill, and Ed appeared on screen to great cheers from the audience. For more highlights, wait for the video, just believe us when we say it was pure magic and definitely the best bit of the whole convention. We love you Ed and David and we can't thank you enough!
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
This was quite an emotional affair for anyone involved with the Kon and many hugs and kisses were exchanged during and after. Alison unwittingly did a Gwenyth Paltrow by thanking almost everyone who had ever existed and Tom stated that he was going to make damned sure that he never saw any of us again. The committee then took Tim to a genuine English pub in the heart of Melbourne and attempted to drink the profits of the Kon before retiring to their respective residences looking tired but delirious.
3. C&G RETROSPECTIVE
EDITIONS 54 TO 99
(by Brett Allender)
When it comes to reviewing the progress of the C&G since Kitten Kon, the following part of the introduction that I wrote in #54, June 2000, http://www.goodiesruleok.com/showcag.php?issue=54 , seems as relevant as ever:
"Welcome all to the new-look C&G, which admittedly looks much the same as before except for one very important difference. Our founding editor and club President Alison Bean is now residing in the UK for the next couple of years, so I'd like to congratulate her on her magnificent efforts and boundless enthusiasm in building the Goodies fan club up to what it is today.
I would also like to echo Alison's thanks from the previous edition of the C&G to all of the people who have contributed to the development of the newsletter and the fan club in general over the past few years, and your ongoing support will be a vital and much appreciated ingredient for continuing this success in the future."
The fact that the C&G has continued to flourish to the point where it is now celebrating 100 editions after more than eight years in publication is indeed due to the tremendous ongoing support that I've received from club members since taking over the reins from Alison. Many thanks to all those who have continued to enthusiastically contribute Goodies-related items despite the show itself finishing more than 20 years ago and not being repeated nearly often enough on any of the television networks.
Special thanks however must go to our three Ace Reporters, Lisa Manekofsky, David Piper-Balston and Alison Bean, who frequently amaze me with the number of Goodies spottings that they come up with each month - the C&G would be thinner than the Music Master's "The Best Of Rolf Harris" album without them! A big thank-you also to Linda Kay for her fabulous Cor!! comic reviews every month and to Andrew Pixley, Kay Dickinson and Marilyn Burge in particular for their contributions of many wonderful feature articles. And of course, a thousand OBEs to Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden for their great support and willingness to answer all of those curly questions that we throw at them, including the ones in the next section of this newsletter!
It's not an easy task to select particular highlights because every single edition of the C&G contains many articles, small and large, which I consider to be of great interest to Goodies fans. Indeed the smaller articles often provide some of the most entertaining reading: like Bill being peed on by a cow (#86) - http://www.goodiesruleok.com/showcag.php?issue=86, Tim being spotted in Oman (#18) - http://www.goodiesruleok.com/showcag.php?issue=18, Graeme being a pin-up boy of the Tasmanian University Union Sideburns Appreciation Society (#10) - http://www.goodiesruleok.com/showcag.php?issue=10 and Eckythump being a lethal martial art after all (#98) http://www.goodiesruleok.com/showcag.php?issue=98 However here are some extracts from a few of the many feature articles that have provided us with so much interesting reading over the past four years, so by all means follow the links to check out the articles in their entirety:
* (from "The Goodies In Person" At The National Film Theatre In London - 23rd May 2000" by Lisa Manekofsky. #54 June 2000)
"Another highlight came when Bill was explaining that he particularly enjoyed the planning stage of making the Goodies episodes. This involved meeting with the director, special effects team, and other members of the crew to plan out how they were going to make the episodes prior to actually doing the filming. During this explanation Bill said that he didn't consider himself to be much of a performer. He then paused and looked over at Tim and Graeme, with a big grin on his face. Graeme said something like "don't beat yourself up over it", paused, and then he and Tim said together (in perfect unison), "let us do that for you". It was obviously an old joke between friends and it got a very big laugh from the audience."
* (from "The Goodies - A Victim Of Our Times?" by Alison Bean. #59 November 2000)
"So why is "The Goodies" wrong for BBC-2? The sets and costumes may look dated and some of the show's targets may be dead or forgotten but it is inventive, dare I say experimental. And despite often being labelled as a 'kid's programme' it is quite obviously made with adults in mind. It is intelligent, informed comedy, which is more highbrow than you think, yet it is mainstream enough to appeal to people of all ages. Those that remember "The Goodies", remember it with fondness - will people remember the output of today's BBC-2 with such fondness? And could "The Goodies" be described as anything other than 'a weird old thing'? Interestingly, "The Goodies" appears to fit Jane Root's specifications for the ideal new programme. And what's more as a repeat it would be cheap to screen, thus saving her money for more of those 'ground-breaking' programmes we see constantly on BBC-2."
* (from "Kitten Kong: 1971 Style" by Andrew Pixley. #61 January 2001)
"This then leads into the 3'15" film sequence of Tim and Bill collecting the looney animals which was retained for the 1972 version. Back at the office, the 1972 mongoose gag was replaced by another item. "What are you doing?" Bill asks Graeme. "Mending a rattlesnake," says Graeme, whereupon a snake with a baby's rattle tied on its end sticks out of the box he is working on and rattles. Graeme sees that Tim has entered carrying a padded birdcage: "Well, what have you brought?" Tim explains "This is Anona the budgie. She's very depressed." "What are you giving her?" asks Graeme. "The stuff that makes budgies bounce," says Tim as he throws the budgie on the floor; the bird bounces out of shot but the Goodies' eyes follow it as it bounces around off-screen until it hits the floor with a splat. "That's solved her problem," says Bill. "Another satisfied customer," agrees Graeme, before he goes into the bush baby routine."
* (from "T'Lancastrian's Guide To T'Secrets Of Ecky Thump" by Kay Dickinson. #62 February 2001)
"The first (and to my mind, the best) of the Lancastrian quotes is uttered by T'Grand Master:
"There's nowt wrong wi' owt what mitherin' clutterbucks don't barley grummit!" An explanation of this is more difficult than actually saying it, but here goes....
Nowt = nothing; wi = with; 'owt = something or anything; clutterbucks = idiots; barley = barely; grummit = understand/know about.
Mitherin' requires a bit more explanation. Pronounced my-ther, it's a word that doesn't have an exact equal in any other language I know of! Essentially, it means to harass or bother someone to the point of exasperation or can be used as a noun to mean "trouble"
Anyway, this therefore means that the phrase is "There's nothing wrong with anything that pestering idiots barely understand." Doesn't have the same ring to it, does it? Having said that, I can quite honestly say that I've never heard anyone actually say it!"
* (from "Goodies Cor!! Comic Synopsis #1" by Linda Kay. #71 December 2001)
"These collections of comic strips were an imaginative mixture of wild sight gags involving grotesque or silly characters spouting puns and jokes, many of which probably date back to the earliest of music hall routines but were undoubtedly fresh and clever to a brand new audience of impressionable juvenile minds hungry for irreverent and outrageous humour.
In 1973 The Goodies were added to the list of comic characters to grace the pages of Cor!!, published every Monday. Apparently licensed for just the one year, The Goodies were unique in the fact they were the only adapted characters featured with the comic's pages with copyright credit being given to Bill Oddie, Tim Brooke Taylor (sans hyphen) and Graeme Garden. According to Robert Ross' book "The Complete Goodies" the strips were all authorised and approved by The Goodies prior to publication and Tim still displays an original Cor!! strip in his study."
* (from "Bill Oddie - This Is Your Life" by Alison Bean. #72 February 2001)
Next up was the ubiquitous clip parade, displaying (yet again) some of Bill's most producer-friendly moments from The Goodies, cut together with scant regard for context. Unsurprisingly no one laughed at these non-sequiturs, except those who had them on video anyway. This was followed by the introduction of his co-stars Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden. 'Are they still alive?' twinkled Oddie.
They certainly were and they were on good form. Graeme even looked pleased to be there and was quite chatty. He didn't seem too embarrassed about wearing an Ecky Thump hat either! Tim had a surplus hat for Bill, which he placed on his head as an award for being a 'gutless creep'. 'It's a joy to be here to help betray Bill's principles.' said Graeme shrewdly, adding 'He's a man of enormous energy, he always makes me laugh.'
Graeme went on to sum up their working relationship by likening it to the episode 'Frankenfido' in which Bill had played their mischievous little puppy, revealing that very little acting had been required from either party.
* (from "Deadpan" magazine No 7 October 1994 - contributed by Marilyn Burge #77 May 2002)
"Currently they (Bill and Graeme) are recalling show number 58, aka Dodonuts. "That programme," says the million miles a minute Oddie, "was all about why Dodos became extinct and one of the things we had to do was teach a dodo how to fly. So we had two models built with the bird sitting in a bi-plane dressed in full flying gear. Anyway the idea was that eventually the plane would have to crash and it was gonna be a one take job. So the FX people built this big plane and they were so proud of it that they wanted us to see it in action. Initially we said no, just save it for the take. But the FX guys insisted. So we said OK and the plane went up and it was circling around nicely but when he pressed the button to send it into a dive the whole thing just exploded. Ooops!"
As the ebullient Oddie collapses into a fit of laughter at the memory, the quietly spoken Garden takes the opportunity to get a word in edgeways. "Subsequently," he adds, we had to contract out some of the extra modelling. Unfortunately the guy who got the job must have misheard what we were asking for because instead of a Dodo we got a dildo in an aeroplane!"
4. GOODIES Q&A
One of the undisputed highlights of the C&G has been the opportunity on several occasions for readers to have their questions about "The Goodies" answered by two of the stars of the show. Tim Brooke-Taylor and Graeme Garden have been tremendously supportive of both the fan club and newsletter since our early days and have been incredibly generous in willingly answering all of the nosey questions that we've fired at them during this time, to our eternal thanks and appreciation.
As a special treat for our 100th edition, here are some more great responses from both Graeme and Tim:
HOW WERE THE GOODIES BOOKS WRITTEN? DID THE THREE OF YOU SIT AROUND TOGETHER AND WRITE OR SPLIT UP AND WRITE THE BITS RELEVANT TO YOUR CHARACTER?
GRAEME: We sat around together as little as possible, then went and wrote our bits on our own, then put them all together. Couldn't you tell?
TIM: We sat around together and thought of ideas and then went away and wrote our bits, not necessarily to do with our character. If someone wanted to do a parody of something then they did it. The problem was then trying to find a storyline to join up all the bits. The ideas, as you will see were not story led. The mistake we made with the last one, ‘The Making of the Goodies Disaster Movie’ was that we stuck to a story more rigidly. We should have known better, people dip in and out of this sort of book and if you didn’t read it chronologically then it doesn’t make a lot of sense
IS THERE ANY CHANCE OF BILL ODDIE RETURNING TO "I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE", AT LEAST AS A GUEST?
GRAEME: I still feel that would be cruel.
TIM: Not really. Bill quit years ago as he found it too stressful. This is all the more amazing as he’s the least stressed of the three of us in most areas.
IF THE DECISION HAD BEEN MADE TO FIND A PERMANENT REPLACEMENT FOR WILLIE RUSHTON IN ISIHAC, WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR CHOICE?
GRAEME: None of us could make a choice - which is why a permanent replacement has never been found.
TIM: A difficult, though good, question. At the time I wouldn’t have had a clue (please excuse the unintended pun) though Stephen Fry would have been a good choice. If I had to choose someone for all the shows it would probably be Sandi Toksvig. She and I work well and easily together and it’s good to have a female. I nearly wrote female member – thank goodness I didn’t. Actually the best partner of all would be Graeme, but he’s already been spoken for.
I READ RECENTLY THAT BILL IS TO APPEAR IN A MOVIE, GEORGE AND THE DRAGON. DO YOU HAVE ANY INTENTIONS TO DO MORE MOVIE WORK, EITHER WRITING OR PERFORMING?
GRAEME: I'm available...
TIM: No plans, but open to offers – especially huge, financial offers.
DO YOU INTEND TO WRITE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY ANY TIME?
GRAEME: I think this is as close as I'll get.
AND WILL IT BE CALLED 'A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIM' AS HUMPH JOKED IN A RECENT ISIHAC EPISODE?
TIM: I liked the joke, in fact I’d used it myself in another round. I’ve often thought of writing such a book, but I know I won’t as anything remotely interesting would be liable to libel.
WHICH DO YOU THINK WAS THE MOST DIFFICULT GOODIES EPISODE TO MAKE?
GRAEME: Possibly the very first one, because at every stage we had to convince everybody - including ourselves - that it was going to work!
TIM: The ones with most visual effects were always difficult, something like The Movies for example. But the worst part was always the weather, trying to look hot on a cold day was extremely difficult. Trying to capture Rolf Harris in the Bush with a temperature of -2 Celsius for example
CAN YOU REMEMBER WHO WROTE WHAT IN BUNFIGHT AT THE OK TEAROOMS, EARTHANASIA AND RADIO GOODIES, OR A FEW OF YOUR FAVOURITE EPISODES?
GRAEME: I think - and my memory is very hazy here, that it was:
Bunfight: part 1 Graeme, part 2 Bill
Earthanasia: part 1 Graeme, part 2 Bill
Radio: part 1 Bill, part 2 Graeme
Or it may have been Grant and Naylor...!
TIM: I know I wrote the best bits, but apart from that, no. Graeme and Bill, as they keep telling me, wrote a great deal more than me. They also point out that you can spot the bits that I didn’t write as they usually consisted of scenes where I got badly hurt.
IS THERE A POSSIBILITY OF A NEW GOODIES EPISODE, NOT NECESSARILY FOR UK
TELEVISION (AS TIM HAS SAID EARLIER THAT HE FEELS REPEATS ARE NECESSARY
BEFORE HE WOULD WANT TO MAKE ONE), BUT PERHAPS FOR AUSTRALIAN TV, OR MAYBE A SPECIAL EPISODE RELEASED STRAIGHT ONTO A FORTHCOMING DVD?
GRAEME: It would be fun to play the old characters again - maybe in a cameo for something. I don't see a whole episode though.
TIM: No. It wouldn’t be financially viable. Although the DVD has sold well, it’s not sold well enough for an original episode. The medical bills alone, just to keep us going, would be prohibitive.
WHO DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST GUEST IN ISIHAC?
GRAEME: They're all great - that's why we have them on. My favourite was Dame Judi Dench, who came on as guest in a round called 'Celebrity What's My Line?' We had to guess her job. We got it in the end.
TIM: They’re all great. What a little creep I am. But see above for a good starter.
DO YOU INTEND TO START A PERSONAL WEBSITE, E.G GRAEMEGARDEN.COM, TIMBROOKETAYLOR.COM?
GRAEME: I don't know how. Actually, I don't know why.
TIM: Yes. But I’ve been saying that for a long time
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT BILL BEING AWARDED AN OBE?
GRAEME: I was delighted. I'm still laughing.
TIM: Next question please.
How could he accept? I mean how could he?
Who wants a silly O.B.E anyway? (sob, sob)
Now a C.B.E, like my father, that’s a different question.
‘Sir Tim’ has a ring to it.
ARE THERE ANY SPECIAL PLANS FOR I'M SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN'S 40TH
GRAEME: Not yet. When is it?
TIM: Not that I know of.
DO YOU KNOW IF THERE ARE ANY PLANS TO RELEASE FURTHER EPISODES OF "I'M
SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN" ON CD/CASSETTE? THE LAST COLLECTION (ISIRTA 4) CAME OUT ABOUT SEVEN YEARS AGO.
GRAEME: I don't know, and they don't tell us. I was surprised there were 4.
TIM: I don’t anything about that either. Sorry.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF BBC7? WERE YOU (TIM) AWARE THAT AT ONE POINT LAST YEAR YOU HAD THREE SHOWS ON THAT STATION EVERY WEEK ("I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE", "HELLO CHEEKY", AND "I'M SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN"). HAVE THEY ASKED YOU TO HOST ANY SHOWS FOR THEM?
GRAEME: Now it's settling down I think it's excellent. It's a shame it's only on digital, as it's perfect in-car listening, and like most people I don't have a digital radio in my car. They haven't asked me to host anything. I'm probably too grand.
TIM: When I remember to listen to BBC7 it’s great. I’ve come across ‘I’m Sorry I’ll Read That Again’ shows that I don’t even remember doing and, to my embarrassment, I’ve found myself laughing out loud.
IN MANY SERIES 5 EPISODES OF "THE GOODIES" THE CHALKBOARD IN THE OFFICE HAS NOTES ABOUT "FUNKY GIBBON" CLIMBING THE POP CHARTS (SUCH AS "IT'S GIBBON TIME" AND THE RECORD'S CHART POSITION). I BELIEVE THAT IN ONE EPISODE IT ACTUALLY SAYS "BUY FUNKY GIBBON". DID YOU GET IN ANY TROUBLE FOR VIOLATING THE BBC'S RULES AGAINST ADVERTISING?
GRAEME: No. [Currently available on CD 'The Best of the Goodies' PIESD243]
TIM: Sssh! They might hear you. No we had no trouble, but then the powers that be probably hadn’t even noticed. It was the one series where we were able to be topical as we were recording on the Friday before transmission on the following Monday.
IS THERE A CHANCE OF A TELEVISION VERSION OF HAMISH AND DOUGAL?
GRAEME: Barry Cryer and I feel that it wouldn't work on TV - or not in the same way that it does on the wireless. It does depend on listeners' imaginations to conjure up the wonders of the Glen. Illustrating the ideas would in some way take away the madness and the fun. However, a Hamish and Dougal book is in development...
CAN YOU DESCRIBE ANY DIFFERENCES IN THE WRITING STYLES OF TIM, BILL AND YOURSELF?
GRAEME: I don't know that Tim and Bill write very much these days, but I'm still writing a lot, so I guess the answer is it takes me longer.
I'VE HEARD THAT YOU WROTE SOME MATERIAL WITH RED DWARF WRITERS DOUG NAYLOR AND ROB GRANT, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO FIND MUCH INFORMATION ABOUT THIS. IS IT TRUE, AND IF SO WHAT DID YOU WRITE WITH THEM?
GRAEME: Not that I'm aware of.
I WAS WATCHING THE 'ALTERNATIVE ROOTS' EPISODE THE OTHER DAY, WHERE YOUR
ANCESTORS ARE SHOWN TO BE FROM SCOTLAND. ARE YOU REALLY OF SCOTTISH
BACKGROUND OR WAS THIS JUST YOUR (OR TIM OR BILL'S) DECISION FOR YOUR
CHARACTER IN THE EPISODE?
GRAEME: Yes, I was born in Aberdeen, and lived in Macduff till I was 4. My maternal ancestors were the McHardy's, legendary giants who won all the Braemar Games in the 19th century - many of them going away to Canada and New Zealand to be policemen. One McHardy was known as 'The Infant', as he only grew to be 6 ft tall.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO AUSTRALIA?
GRAEME: Not yet, but I certainly want to.
WHAT STYLE BANJO DO YOU PLAY? WHAT MUSIC INSPIRED YOU TO WANT TO LEARN THE BANJO?
GRAEME: I always thought Bluegrass music was very jolly, but it's tricky to play, so I never really got far with the 5-string banjo. My sons are much more musical than me, on keyboards, guitar, yes even banjo. In fact my eldest son John is a professional, and is currently keyboard player in The Scissor Sisters, touring Europe.
RECENTLY "I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE" HAS HAD A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SHOW AND HAS SPUN OFF THE "HAMISH AND DOUGAL" SERIES. HAVE THERE BEEN MORE OPPORTUNITIES FOR SUCH EFFORTS DUE TO CLUE HAVING WON MAJOR AWARDS OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS?
GRAEME: What with those spin-offs plus all the tapes and CDs, I think we don't want to saturate the media, do we?
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAD BEEN OFFERED A PART IN GRAHAM CHAPMAN'S YELLOWBEARD, AS MANY OF HIS CAMBRIDGE BUDDIES/EARLY WORKMATES APPEARED IN THE FILM AND I WAS SURPRISED THAT YOU WEREN'T THERE.
TIM: No I wasn’t offered a part. Not for any negative reason. Not being ‘box office’ for America would have been a good enough reason. I saw a play the other day ‘A Very Naughty Boy’ – a life of Graham Chapman’. It was truly excellent, though I did enjoy telling the writer and actors, afterwards, what they’d got wrong. And I did get a mention. Actually I found the piece funny, accurate and moving. I think a fly must have flown into my eye at the end.
IS THERE ANY MORE NEWS ON THE POSSIBLE RADIO VERSION OF THE GOODIES YOU MENTIONED IN THE LAST C & G Q AND A?
TIM: Yes it’s going ahead. Graeme has already recorded a piece with Phil Jupitus and I’m doing the same next week. It’s going to be in two parts and that’s all I know.
If you've got some more questions for Tim and Graeme, please send them in to firstname.lastname@example.org . Other Goodies Q&A sessions have appeared in the following editions:
5. FEATURE ARTICLE
POLITICS - CUT SCENES
(by Alison Bean)
Politics, broadcast on 14th January 1980, was the first episode of series eight. Largely a parody of the events of 1979, which saw Margaret Thatcher elected as Britain's first female Prime Minister, thanks in part to the advertising agency Saatchi and Saatchi, this episode sees Tim and Bill running for the top job, helped by Graeme's advertising agency Snaatchi and Snatchy. The revised script, dated 25/10/79 (two weeks before the studio scenes were shot and probably after the outside filming had taken place) and the final revision (no date for this is available), contain several scenes and parts of scenes that were later removed, either prior to studio filming or in the editing process. The most interesting of these are presented below along with probable reasons for their removal.
The Brute Deodorant ad was to have been the first of three spoof adverts seen when Tim switches on the television at the beginning of the episode. Instead it was cut and we saw only the Keep Britain Tidy ad (with Graeme parodying Willie Rushton's chocolate bar campaign "It's crunchy. No it's chewy.") and the American Excess advert (featuring a flashing "Mr Frost"). It is likely that the Brute Deodorant spoof advert was filmed and shown to the studio audience as annotations on the script suggest that Tim provided the voiceover. It is not known who played the boxer, but Bill probably would have made a good fist of it. The likely reason that this ad was dropped was that it was thought to be the weaker of the three spoof ads.
SCENE: FILM (Insert 1A)
BOXER SPLASHING ON VAST QUANTITIES OF BRUTE OUT OF JARS, SPRAYS, BUCKETS, ETC.
V.O.: Splash it on all over.
CUT TO STEPS OUTSIDE A HOTEL. CAR DRAWS UP. CHAUFFEUR IN GAS MASK OPENS DOOR. BOXER IN EVENING DRESS GETS OUT. AUTOGRAPH HUNTERS PRESS FORWARD THEN REEL BACK FROM THE AWFUL SMELL.
V.O.: Brute makes you smell like you've just done ten rounds with Henry Cooper.
The Granny Rant
Following the adverts Tim and Bill get into an argument about the merits of advertising (Bill: "Advertising is the disease of capitalist decadence") and Margaret Thatcher. This amusing Oddie rant was cut from the revised version of the script, perhaps to reduce the length of the scene. The cut sections are in square brackets.
TIM: ...She is a nice woman, trying to make a nice country and we don't need any smutty pups like you, you, you worker.
[BILL: Listen brother.
TIM: Don't call me brother.
BILL: Oh alright, sister. Or would you prefer anti. Sorry auntie. No, no, Granny. Granny, that's you. No sorry grandmama. Yes, that's your language isn't it? Grandmama has parked her arse on the anti markarsar. Granny's plonked her bum on the settee. Oh sorry, not nice, not nice. Sorry. Raspberries.
TIM: You grubby little---worker.]
BILL: Oh, ho, ho, what a give-away. Power to the people!
A news flash comes on the television explaining that Prime Minister Thatcher has found "a splendid loop-hole in the governments new tax laws and has retired to the Bahamas." The cut sections, removed from the revised script, are in square brackets.
NEWSREADER: ...MPs immediately held an emergency session and voted themselves an enormous rise and have gone to join her. Since the rise applies to all politicians the opposition has gone too... Faced with the prospect of a country without any government [at all there has been great rejoicing in Trafalgar Square.
On the international stock market] the pound has risen dramatically.
GRAPH OF POUND AGAINST DOLLAR. LINE SHOOTING OFF THE TOP.
And millions of strikers have gone back to work.
FILM OF HAPPY WORKERS FILING IN FACTORY.
Following encouragement from the Queen, Tim has decided to run for Prime Minister. Following no encouragement from anyone, Bill has also decided to run for Prime Minister. They come separately to Graeme's advertising agency Snaatchi and Snatchy, Tim dressed as Margaret Thatcher and Bill dressed as Vanessa Redgrave, on the grounds that female Prime Minister are fashionable. Indeed, in another section cut from the script Graeme shows Tim and Bill pictures of former Prime Ministers Callaghan and Wilson in drag. Several good jokes about Bill not making a good woman were cut from the revised script, probably to tighten up the scene.
TIM:...You don't look a bit like Vanessa Redgrave.
BILL: Yes I do, a bit. That bit. And that bit. It's just I haven't got the height for it, that's all.
[TIM: That's not all you haven't got.]
GRA: You're nothing like Vanessa. You don't make a very good woman.
BILL: Well, neither does she.
[GRA: If you're going to be Vanessa, you're going to have to have that off.
GRA: The beard.
GRA: Vanessa Redgrave does not have a beard!
Timita's Party Political Broadcast
Graeme has given Tim and Bill makeovers and transformed them into Timita and Che, respectively. Presumably to save money, Graeme fronts Timita's party political broadcast. This scene was filmed as scripted, but severely edited in post-production, causing great confusion amongst fans as to why there
is a strange edit immediately before Timita descends on her silver, glittery moon. Graeme's introductory speech is also cut.
SCENE 4: COSY STUDY
CUT TO CAPTION: "PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE TIMITA PARTY"
GRAEME IN QUIET SUIT SITS IN A WING-BACKED CHAIR BY THE FIRE.
GRAMS: QUIET 'LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY'
CAPTION: 'TIME TO CHOOSE'
[GRAEME: Oh, hello. Well, as this great nation of ours moves toward yet another exciting moment of decision, we pause for time to think, time to choose. And you know many of us still haven't made up our minds. So it makes sense, doesn't it, to find out what the candidates themselves are really like. So let's meet Timita. But before we do here's a word or two from Lulu, Rod Stewart and Engelbert Humperdinck.
ENGELBERT LEAPS UP FROM THE OTHER WING-BACK CHAIR IN WHICH HE WAS CONCEALED AND SINGS.
ENGELBERT: Well hello, Timita. This is Lula, Rod Stewart and Engelbert Humperdinck, Timita. It's so nice to see you up where you belong...
HE POINTS UP.]
TIM IS LOWERED FROM ON HIGH SITTING ON A GLITTERY CRESCENT MOON.
CANNED APPLAUSE, AS THE MUSIC FADES, THE MOON COMES TO REST OPPOSITE GRAEME'S CHAIR.
TIM: Hello, it's a pleasure to be here, but it will be a far greater pleasure to be at Number 10...
It is interesting to note that the sound of Engelbert Humperdinck* singing "Hello, Timita" was used in the final edit over the footage of Lula, Rod and Engelbert dancing out of shot as the moon descends. The line "This is Lula, Rod Stewart and Engelbert Humperdinck, Timita" is mixed down and is barely audible on the soundtrack.
* Bill Oddie sung the role of Engelbert Humperdinck.
The Returning Officer
On election night the Returning Officer announces the votes for Timita Brooke-Taylor (Timita Party) and William Che Oddie (Leftist Loony Party). The Returning Officer is dressed as a pantomime dame and arrives to present the results by being lowered in on a kirby wire. The results are one vote to each party and the Returning Officer declares the election a dead heat. In the original script, the pantomime theme was to have continued with that panto favourite, the audience sing-a-long. It is likely that this section was filmed, but edited out in post-production due to time constraints.
OFFICER: ...And I therefore declare this election a dead heat!
TIM AND BILL ARE FURIOUS.
[OFFICER: So bring on the words!
SONG SHEET IS FLOWN IN FROM ABOVE.
ALL SING: It's a hap hap happy day. Tooralooralooralay etc.
TIM: (SCREAMS) Recount! I demand a recount.
BILL: Me too. Recount! Recount!!]
The Plan To Televise Parliament
Tim and Bill are understandably unhappy with the election results. But fortunately Graeme has the solution. The cut lines were removed from the revised
version of the script, which is a shame as we lose another dig at Nicholas Parsons (who hosted Sale of the Century).
GRA: ...Television has put you where you are now, so what's the obvious thing to do? Televise Parliament.
BILL AND TIM: But...
[GRA: No wait. Now people don't want to watch you squabbling on the floor of the house. Your telly viewer is used to the thrills of Hawaii 5-0, the hurly burly of Crossroads, the wit and sophistication of Sale of the Century.]
Graeme's plans to televise parliament include political versions of The Generation Game, Sale of the Century, Call My Bluff and Blankety Blank. Blankety Blank takes place at the United Nations and ultimately leads to armed conflict. The original version of the Blankety Blank scene is slightly longer and better explains the reasons for the furore leading to war. It is likely that this scene was filmed as scripted and trimmed in post-production.
UNITED NATIONS BUILDING. (STOCK.) DRUM ROLL.
V.O.: And now from the General Assembly of the United Nations...
CUT INSIDE TO GENERAL ASSEMBLY SHOTS OF DIPLOMATS, TRANSLATORS, ETC. (STOCK.)
FILM: (U.N. SET)
A FIGURE APPROACHING THE HIGH DESK OF THE SECRETARY GENERAL. THE FIGURE TURNS. IT IS TERRY WOGAN WITH HIS WAND MIKE.
GRA: (AS TERRY): When Valery Giscard d'Estang jumped off the Eiffel Tower, he landed on his blank. Secretary General, Kurt Waldheim, I put it to you and why not what did he land on?
WALDHEIM IS FLANKED BY TIM AND BILL.
WALDHEIM: (LOOK ALIKE): On his Prime Minister. Ho ho ho.
SHOWS CARD. LAUGHTER. REACTION SHOTS OF DELEGATES.
GRA: That was a sausage. And Timita, me little darling, how about you?
Well, at first I wrote he landed on his dignity, but then I changed it to his bum.
[MUCH LAUGHTER. REACTION SHOTS.
TERRY: (GRA): Well, you're all too clever for me. And Che at the end here, on what did Valery Giscard d'Estang land?
BILL: Well I said he landed on his...]
GRAMS: BLEEP BLEEP.
[BILL HOLDS UP HIS CARD. BEFORE WE CAN READ WHAT IS SCRATCHED ON IT GRAEME GRABS IT AND TEARS IT UP.]
TOO LATE. SHOCKED GASPS AND SCREAMS. BOOS AND HISSES. SCENES OF DISORDER AT THE U.N. (STOCK).
What did you have to say that for? You've upset the lot of them this could mean trouble.]
DELEGATES GETTING FURIOUS (STOCK).
NEWS PLACARDS MONTAGE: "FURY AT U.N.", "U.N. ROW", "WAR LOOMS".
Guerre Sans Frontiers
Continuing the televised theme, the war is fought as a game of Guerre Sans Frontiers (a parody of Jeux Sans Frontiers, the inter-European It's A Knockout). Graeme plays the role of the real show's host Eddie Waring. Some of the dialogue in this scene is different to that in the episode and Eddie's commentary on the game is not scripted and was probably improvised in post-production. There is only one cut line, the final one, and strangely the final shot in the episode, of Margaret Thatcher returning to Britain, is not included in the script. Unless this ending was thought of in post-production, it is likely that the final page of the script is missing. The main reason for including this large section of script here is to show how a typical Goodies visual sequence was written up.
And, in case you're wondering, the script reveals that it is politician Cyril Smith's face on the joker card, held up Tim and Bill towards the start of this scene.
EDDIE: ...And of course they'll all be competing for the big prize, that's the domination of Europe. And what have they got to do? Well, I'll tell you. Here's a big cake, looking very delicious. Every country has to get as big a slice of cake as they can. Then they've got to make their way to the battlefield by crawling through the barbed wire, under heavy machine-gun fire...
BURST OF MACHINE-GUN FIRE.
Thank you without dropping the cake. And over there you can see some tanks manned by members of the opposing teams, and the competitors will have to climb the Butter Mountain, while the tanks try to slow them down a bit by blowing their heads off. Down the other side, then it's over the Wine Lake on the greasy pole, through the minefield, over the Berlin Wall, and all they have to do is activate a nuclear attack...
PRESSES BUTTON ON ONE OF SIX PODIUMS RELEASING AN INFLATABLE MISSILE.
Then the first one to burst all the balloons without dropping the bomb wins. And the winner, don't forget, gets six points, and the domination of Europe. So, if you're ready, Arthur... (WHISTLES)
TEAMS DO AS INSTRUCTED.
1. BARBED WIRE AND MACHINE-GUN FIRE.
2. BUTTER MOUNTAIN AND TANKS.
3. CONTESTANTS CROSS WINE LAKE (Sign says 'Wine Lake')
THEY WALLOW AROUND, TRYING TO GET OUT.
A PERISCOPE APPEARS BESIDE THEM. THE OTHER CONTESTANTS HAVE REACHED THE MINEFIELD.
IT IS SIGNED: "MINEFIELD DANGER MINES ACHTUNG SKULL
AND CROSS BONES"
THEY CREEP CAUTIOUSLY ACROSS, FINGERS IN EARS.
TIM AND BILL ARE CHASED AROUND THE POOL OF WINE BY THE PERISCOPE.
CONTESTANTS HAVE ALMOST CROSSED MINEFIELD.
TIM AND BILL TRY TO SPLASH WINE LAKE OUT TO EMPTY IT. BILL TRIES DRINKING IT. TIM FOLLOWS SUIT, WITH A STRAW.
CONTESTANTS ALMOST ALL ACROSS MINEFIELD.
TIM AND BILL EMPYTING WINE LAKE.
ONLY TWO CONTESTANTS LEFT TO FINISH MINEFIELD.
TIM AND BILL FINISH THE WINE, NOW WITH GLASSES, AND CLAMBER OUT OF POOL, SLOSHED.
ALL CONTESTANTS HAVE CROSSED MINEFIELD, LOOK BACK TO SEE BILL AND TIM, AND JEER.
BILL AND TIM STAGGER UP TO OPENING OF MINEFIELD AND BOW.
BILL AND TIM STAGGER INTO MINEFIELD.
MINE GOES OFF.
BILL AND TIM THROWN THROUGH THE AIR.
CONTESTANTS LAUGH AS THEY SEE THEM GO, THEN LOOK WORRIED AS THEY FOLLOW THEIR FLIGHT PATH.
TIM AND BILL ARE BLOWN OVER THE MINEFIELD, OVER THEIR HEADS, OVER THE WALL, AND LAND BY THE NUCLEAR BUTTON.
THEY PRESS IT TIPSILY AND LAUNCH THE MISSILE.
THE CONTESTANTS ROAR WITH ANGER AND RACE AFTER THEM.
TIM AND BILL, KEEPING THE MISSILE UP, START BUSTING THE NET BAG OF BALLOONS.
THE CONTESTANTS RACE UP AND LAUNCH MISSILES, THEN START BUSTING BALLOONS.
TIM AND BILL BUST BALLOON MADLY.
"LAND OF HOPE" BUILDS UP BEHIND THE ACTION.
TIM AND BILL IN SLOW MOTION BUSTING BALLOONS MUSIC SWELLS AND REACHES A CLIMAX AS THEY BURST THE LAST BALLOON.
THEY LEAP UP TRIUMPHANTLY. THEY LOOK AROUND.
THE PLACE IS DESERTED, OTHER PENS FULL OF BROKEN BALLOONS, EVERYONE HAS GONE HOME.
DOLLY BIRD (IN NIGHT ATTIRE AND CURLERS) PUTS "1" ON SCOREBOARD.
Great Britain: one point.
TIM AND BILL LOOK SHEEPISH.
But don't worry, you may not have won the game, but you do get a bobby prize. Britain wins, not a wooden spoon, but look over there...
[TIM: Our prize?]
6. GOODIES SCAVENGER HUNT
(by Lisa Manekofsky)
In honour of this special issue of the C&G we've decided to hold a scavenger hunt, with a club t-shirt going to the lucky winner. No, we're not going to send people around the globe hunting for phonograph records of "Land of Hope and Glory" and union jack waistcoats; instead, you'll be hunting through Goodies episodes to find the scavenger hunt items. The winner will get their choice of t-shirt style 1 OR style 5 (as shown at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/tshirts.php ).
Almost all of the items can be found in more than one episode; you only need to find one copy to get credit for that item. However, if you're up for a real challenge try to find as many occurrences of each item as possible throughout the Goodies episodes. We'll tally those up and the winner of this "bonus" competition will win a Goodies cap.
1. To be eligible to win a prize, an entry must be received on or before 1 May 2004. All entries should be mailed to email@example.com .
2. You get one point for each item on the list that you correctly find (up to a maximum of 50 points).
3. You only need to identify the episode in which you find the items; you do not need to describe where the item is located in the episode.
4. While it is preferred that you provide the episode title (you can use the episode guide at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/documents.php ) we will also accept a reasonable description which clearly identifies the episode (for example, "the one where the Goodies start a radio station").
4. The winner of the t-shirt will be the entry with the highest number of points. In the event of a tie, a winner will be randomly chosen from all the entries with the highest score.
5. The winner will get their choice of either t-shirt style 1 (the yellow shirt with the trandem design) or t-shirt style 5 (the yellow shirt with the Goodies logo), as shown at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/tshirts.php . The winner may specify a size from XS-XXL.
6. For the bonus competition, you must identify multiple episodes in which the scavenger hunt items occur. You'll get one point for each time each item is correctly found. The person with the highest score wins a Goodies cap. In the case of a tie, the winner will be determined by random draw from among the high scoring entries.
Any questions about the competition can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org
Scavenger Hunt Items:
1. an airplane
2. a baby carriage
4. a bathtub
5. a regular (one-seater) bicycle
6. a boat
7. a bottle of wine
8. a cage
9. a cannon
10. a castle
11. a chess set
12. a child
13. a clock
14. a cow
15. a deck of cards
16. an egg
17. exercise equipment
18. a guitar
19. a gun
20. a horse
22. a kangaroo
23. a ladder
24. a megaphone
25. a mention of a member of the royal family OTHER than Prince Charles or the Queen
26. a military uniform
27. a mouse (NOT someone in a mouse costume)
28. one of the Goodies driving a car
29. only one or two of the Goodies riding the trandem (not all three of them)
30. an oven
31. a radio OTHER than in the Pirate Radio/Radio Goodies episode
32. a restaurant
33. a road sign
34. a robot/mechanical man
35. roller skates
36. a sheep
37. a skeleton
38. someone other than one of the Goodies riding the trandem
39. someone reading a book or magazine
40. a teapot (NOT Tim!)
41. a teddy bear
42. a telescope
43. a television set
44. a thermometer
45. a tin can
46. a toilet
47. a train
48. a tuxedo
49. a wheelchair
50. a zookeeper (or someone who wants to be a zookeeper)
7. 2004 AND A BIT
(by Brett Allender)
Now that we've chalked up the major milestone of 100 editions, it's important that we look ahead to what the next hundred C&Gs will have to offer. The current format seems to be popular enough, however long-running items like the Episode Summaries and Cor!! Comic Reviews will conclude within the next 12-18 months and we will be even more reliant on readers' contributions when this happens.
We are always looking to try new ideas, like Lisa's excellent Goodies Scavenger Hunt competition above. We're certainly keen to run more puzzles and competitions in future editions but this will only happen if we get a good response to those that we do run, so please have a go at the Scavenger Hunt and support the fan club and the C&G in the process.
Two issues that are likely to get plenty of coverage in upcoming C&Gs are the second Goodies DVD set and the proposed follow-up convention to Kitten Kon. Here is the latest news that we have on them:
Network Video is still waiting to hear about clearance issues before they can say which episodes will be on the DVDs, although "Radio Goodies" has been a confirmed episode in earlier discussions. At present, they still hope to release the next DVD later in the year, probably in October rather than September as we'd originally heard.
Following the outstanding success of "Kitten Kon" in Melbourne in 2000, the fan club is in the early stages of planning a second convention, tentatively to be held in Sydney in 2005. We are also planning to hold some fundraising activities, including an auction of Goodies memorabilia in the not-too-distant future, as these will be an essential part of the preparation for staging another convention.
In the meantime, if anyone is interested in volunteering to help with the convention (including fundraising) then please contact club President Lisa Manekofsky at email@example.com and indicate how you would like to help, whether it's with the initial preparation or at the event itself. While we will particularly welcome the input of Sydney-based club members, the fact that our club is internet-based means that anyone anywhere can do "anything, anytime" to assist the cause. So if you're willing to help and have relevant experience or special skills that could be useful, please get in touch with us. Everyone who attended Kitten Kon will no doubt still remember what a magical occasion it was and we'd all very much like to experience it all over again in Sydney.
NEXT C&G EDITION: #101: 12th April 2004.
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