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C&G 129 Aug 2006
#129 Aug 2006 - Print Email PDF 
Posted by bretta 09/01/2007

Index

» #129 Aug 2006

THE GOODIES CLARION AND GLOBE
 
THE OFFICIAL NEWSLETTER OF 'THE GOODIES RULE - OK' FAN CLUB
.
Issue No. 129                    12th August 2006
 
 
TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> with UNSUBSCRIBE in the body of your message. If you are using multiple or forwarded e-mail addresses, please specify the e-mail address which you originally used when subscribing, otherwise we may not be able to remove you from the mailing list.
 
TO OBTAIN THIS NEWSLETTER IN E-MAIL TEXT FORM:
E-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> requesting transfer to the E-mail mailing list.
.
 
CLUB WEBSITE
 
http://www.goodiesruleok.com
 
E-MAIL ADDRESSES
 
Newsletter enquiries: clarion@goodiesruleok.com
General enquiries: enquiries@goodiesruleok.com
 
POSTAL ADDRESS
 
'The Goodies Rule - OK!'
P.O. Box 413
Croydon VIC 3136, AUSTRALIA
 
THE LADS AND LASSES OF THE C&G
 
EDITOR
- Brett Allender <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>
 
ACE REPORTERS:
- Lisa Manekofsky
- David Piper-Balston
 
GOODIES MUSIC REVIEWER:
- Linda Kay
 
C&G CONTRIBUTORS:
- Bob Kilgore, Marf Shopmyer, Karen Upton, Peter Wearden, Garry Johnstone, Jane, Ratdog, Amanda Stokes, Steve Gerlach, Stephen Oakes
 
WITH SPECIAL THANKS TO:
- Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor
 
CONTENTS
 
1. GOODIES Q&A – Graeme and Tim answer your questions
2. QUIZ & QUOTE - Goodies brainteasers for you and you and you
3. BOFFO IDEAS – The latest club news and happenings
4. SPOTTED!!! - The latest Goodies sightings.
5. 2001 AND A BIT - Tim, Graeme and Bill sightings post-Goodies.
6. YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE A MAD GOODIES FAN WHEN ...
7. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #24 - Bounce
8. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
 
1. GOODIES Q&A
 
Even better than being declared "Officially Amazing"! Amid their preparations for "The Goodies Still Rule OK" at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Graeme Garden and Tim Brooke-Taylor have generously taken some time out to reply to the following questions from GROK fan club members:
 
WHAT WOULD YOU CONSIDER TO BE AN IDEAL ROLE FOR YOU TO PLAY NOW? (COMEDY, DRAMA, SOAPIE, CARTOON VOICEOVER ETC)
 
GRAEME: I enjoyed playing Mr Loftwood the surgeon in Holby City, but he seems to have been retired now. I hope to play Mr Bibby again before long in the next series of Bromwell High. In Edinburgh we're doing our show in the same building as Harry Shearer, who plays Principal Skinner in the Simpsons. I'm hoping we can meet to discuss our experiences in education. An ideal role? One that involves working with old chums, sitting down, being amusing, and not having to learn lines or wear make-up or costumes. Hmm, sounds like I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. Either that or the comedy version of King Lear. Or a silly role in a nice location – Pirates of the Caribbean perhaps.
 
TIM: Ideally a character in a comedy/adventure series – something like New Tricks. Also a very bad tempered patient in a hospital series.
 
 
HOW DO YOU, AND HOW DID YOU, HANDLE ALL OF THE ATTENTION YOU HAVE RECEIVED FROM YOUR FEMALE FANS OVER THE YEARS?
 
GRAEME: Ha! If only! Actually we seem to get more attention now than in the old days. When we appeared on Top of the Pops we didn't have any screaming groupies, and after the shows we had to make do with going out for a meal with Pan's People. (True) Now we get some very nice ladies who come round for autographs at the stage door, but their minds are pure and chaste, as are ours.
 
TIM: With gratitude. I think the female fans have been kinder now than ever – maybe the word 'kinder' is a bit of a give away. The fans in Oz who said 'can I have a hug please' always made my day. Thanks.
 
 
WHY, WHEN THE GOODIES WAS DEVELOPED, DID YOU DECIDE TO USE YOUR REAL NAME INSTEAD OF CREATING A CHARACTER NAME AND DID YOU FEEL, AT THE TIME, THAT YOU MAY BE TYPECAST BY DOING SO?
 
GRAEME: I can't remember. I suppose we couldn't think of any names that were funnier than our own. I don't think we worried about being typecast. We were of course, but the other side of that coin is that being known for the Goodies has opened so many other doors for us along the way.
 
TIM: I honestly can't remember why we decided to do that. I don't regret it. There's always a danger of being typecast anyway. Occasionally I realised that some producers didn’t think I was an actor because I was using my own name. 'Oh you can act' they sometimes said. No, come to think of it, I regret it.
 
 
DO YOU SMOKE CIGARETTES, OR HAVE YOU SMOKED IN THE PAST?
 
GRAEME: I did, but haven't smoked for a few years now.
 
TIM: I was a sixty a day man. I gave up on the plane back from a skiing holiday many years ago. My next job was in Perth W.Australia. My character smoked, the other cast members and the director all smoked. I was 12,000 miles (how far is Perth) from anyone who knew I'd given up. To my amazement I didn't give in. I still miss the occasional puff (as in smoke) even now.
 
 
IF YOU WERE TO LOG ONTO THE GOODIESRULEOK WEBSITE, WHAT USERNAME WOULD YOU BE INCLINED TO USE?
 
GRAEME: You mean so that I could lurk secretly? Perish the thought! I'd probably use Graeme_Garden, cos nobody would believe it was really me.
 
TIM: Originalteapot
 
 
DOES IT SURPRISE YOU THAT THE GOODIES HUMOUR IS SO ENDURING AND THAT THE ONLY THINGS THAT HAVE REALLY DATED IS THE SETS (ALTHOUGH EVEN THAT IS COMING BACK INTO VOGUE NOW)?
 
GRAEME: The sets? If you think that's all that's dated…! I think the humour is pretty basic and universal, and to that extent timeless. The sets, costumes and facial hair are now quaint period pieces, and funny in their own right.
 
TIM: I think the answer is yes. There are some things by definition that have dated, but I'm pleasantly surprised at how many haven't. One or two politically incorrect bits are there, but funnily enough I think they'd be alright now.
 
 
ANY PLANS TO LEAVE BEHIND THE COLD, WET AND DREARY ENGLISH WEATHER AND MIGRATE TO AUSTRALIA - I HEAR QUEENSLAND (THE SUNSHINE STATE) IS PARTICULARLY WELCOMING?
 
GRAEME: It was certainly welcoming when we were over there – as was the rest of Australia. I would love to return before too long, but at the moment I have no plans to emigrate.
 
TIM: I'd love to. A few days in Port Douglas last December gave me a taste for it; though I wasn't too impressed with the breathalyser test. I tried to move, with my family, to Perth in the late Seventies. The unions put a stop to that.
 
 
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR?
 
GRAEME: Brown. When a pompous lighting cameraman once told me he could light the set any colour I wanted I said 'Brown'. That shut him up.
 
TIM: Blue
 
 
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD?
 
GRAEME: Anything good and simple that tastes like what it is.
 
TIM: Garlic prawns, Pizza, Coquilles St Jacques, Welsh Rarebit
 
 
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE TV SHOW? (THAT THE BBC ACTUALLY SHOW)
 
GRAEME: You've got to go a long way to beat The Simpsons. Although BBC2 got rid of it in the end!
 
TIM: Recently 'The Street'. The Simpsons and anything with Peter Cook in it.
 
 
WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE CURRENT ACTOR OR ACTRESS?
 
GRAEME: Cate Blanchett.  
 
TIM: I've thought hard about this and I honestly don't know. If I come to a conclusion I'll let the editor know.
 
 
WHAT IS THE LAST MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE PICTURES?
 
GRAEME: King Kong. It was a big monkey movie.
 
TIM: Confetti
 
 
WHAT IS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ (OR ARE READING)?
 
GRAEME: 'Human Traces' by Sebastian Faulks.
 
TIM: "This Thing of Darkness" by Harry Thompson (reading)
 
 
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE STYLE OF MUSIC?
 
GRAEME: I really don't have a favourite 'style'. While I was writing "The Pocket Orchestra – the Unlikely Lives of the Great Composers" I was re-acquainted with lots of classical music that I really love, and in every 'style' from baroque to romantic and beyond. In terms of contemporary music, I've got to say Scissor Sisters – if only because they're damn good! I don't listen to much on a regular basis, but over the years I've enjoyed a pretty eclectic mix, Randy Newman, Dr Hook, Cat Stevens, 10cc, Carly Simon, Spike Jones and his City Clickers, the Stones and the Beatles of course, early Elvis… hey, you name it!
 
TIM: I don't have a favourite – but anything with good lyrics
 
 
GOODIES GENTLEMEN PREFER THEIR GOODIES GROUPIE GIRLS TO BE ...BLONDES, BRUNETTES OR REDHEADS?!
 
GRAEME: Yes they do!
 
TIM: Yes they do
 
 
DO YOU STILL TRY TO KEEP YOUR MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE AS CURRENT AS POSSIBLE, WITHOUT ACTUALLY PRACTICING OF COURSE?
 
GRAEME: Yes but not enough to make use of it! I did buy a medical text-book recently (Davidson's Principles & Practice of Medicine, ed. Haslett, Chilvers, Boon, Colledge & Hunter) not to remind me of what I'd forgotten, but to see what had been discovered since I studied the subject. A few years back I directed a series of about 50 medical Videos for Patients featuring John Cleese and Dr Rob Buckman.
 
 
DID YOU OR HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED ADDING DIRECTING TO YOUR IMPRESSIVE RESUME?
 
TIM: I have considered it – but I'm too much of a ham. I'd just wish I was playing every part.
 
 
DID YOU MANAGE TO KEEP ANY OF THE FROCKS YOU WORE IN THE GOODIES EPISODES (THE MOVIES / MAE WEST NUMBER COMES TO MIND? IF NOT, HAVE YOU SEEN THEM RECYCLED ON ANY OTHER TV SHOWS TO DATE?
 
TIM: Sadly not. Actually I'd like to commiserate with females. Their clothes are very, very uncomfortable. Maybe they're better for girls' bits than boys' bits.
 
 
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS DO YOU FIND THAT PEOPLE STILL CONFUSE / CONNECT YOU TO THE IMAGE OF THE UNION JACK AND ROYALIST THAT BECAME YOUR PERSONA IN THE GOODIES?
 
TIM: Not so much now – certainly in the UK where I’m almost better known for 'I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue'
 
 
HOW AND WHEN DID YOU DISCOVER THE LADY CONSTANCE VOICE?
 
TIM: As a student in our Footlights revue we did a send up of Oscar Wilde. I played the Lady Bracknell part and instead of 'a handbag', I had 'A Gooseberry bush'. In the classic film of 'The Importance of being Earnest' the Lady Bracknell part was played by Dame Edith Evans and it was her voice that I copied. At the first night in London Dame Edith was invited to attend – it appears that she was the only person in the theatre who didn’t know who I was impersonating. I got the nicest review possible form the English critic Harold Hobson who said that my impression of Edith Evans was 'blasphemous'
 
 
2. QUIZ & QUOTE
(by "Magnus Magnesium")
 
QUOTE: "You ... you've been using people! And Donny Osmond!"
 
(a) Which Goodie says this quote?
(b) What have these people (and Donny!) been used for, and by whom?
(c) Which episode is this quote from?
 
QUIZ: This month's questions are from the episode: "Wacky Wales"
 
(d) Which guest star plays the part of Reverend Llewellyn?
(e) What is supposedly the "Old Welsh" meaning of the word "eisteddfod"?
(f) According to the Reverend, what is a "voluptuous indulgence of the carnal appetite"?
(g) Which rugby player breaks his vow of silence by swearing at Mary Whitehouse?
(h) What is the end score of the final between the Welsh Druids and the Catholics?
 
The answers are listed at the end of this newsletter.
 
 
3. BOFFO IDEAS
 
You can make it happen here. Liven up the club with a boffo idea for bob-a-job week. E-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com> with your comments, ideas or suggestions - meanwhile these are the boffo ideas which our club has been working on this month:
 
FRINGE FESTIVAL C&G
 
There will be a special edition of the Clarion & Globe published at the end of August which will contain all of the news that's fit to print (and quite a bit that isn't!) from "The Goodies Still Rule OK" at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The Edinburgh C&G will include all of the "spotteds" such as media reports, interviews, critic reviews etc, but what we would really like to include is reviews and comments from any of our UK club members who are lucky enough to be able to attend the shows in person. Please send your thoughts on "The Goodies Still Rule OK" to <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> or to the Goodies-l mailing list
 
 
WEBSITE POLLS
 
The results from last month's GROK website poll are now in:
 
"The Goodies will be performing at this year's Edinburgh Fringe festival. What else should they do while they're in Scotland?"
 
* Look for wild Rolf Harrises in the moors 
99 votes (37.2 %)
* Beware the giant bagpipe spider 
72 votes (27.1 %)
* Try to capture the Loch Ness Monster  
67 votes (25.2 %)
* Go on a haggis hunt 
23 votes (8.6 %)
* Other 
5 votes (1.9 %)
Total:  266 votes
 
So Rolf wins yet again ... flippin' heck! It's not Rolf hunting season at this time of the year (and hopefully not Rolf mating season either!) so maybe we should organise a cull of his supporters instead!
 
Anyway this month's website poll is now up on the GROK homepage:
 
"What other presentations should The Goodies give while they're performing at the Edinburgh Fringe this month?"
 
* Ecky Thump instruction
* World Domination for Beginners
* Starting Your Own Pirate Radio Station
* The Many Uses of String 
* The Art of Evading the Giant Dougal
* Lighthouse Keeping for Fun & Profit
* How to Train Giant Kittens
* Other
* How to Breed a Plague of Rolf Harrises
 
So go ahead and cast your vote now, but remember, vote for Rolf (or use anything other than Low Suds Mold) and we send the boys around!
 
WEBSITE ARTICLES
 
Further Goodies-related articles from past newsletters have been posted on the club's website at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/articles.php .during the past month. These include the full collection of Goodies music reviews, including song lyrics (or my best attempt at them at any rate!), Alison Bean's review of the first Goodies DVD and Andrew Pixley's research into the correct titles for Goodies episodes.
 
A new article which hasn't appeared in past C&Gs is "101 Classic Goodies Quotes" which can be accessed from the menu at the Articles hyperlink above or directly at http://www.goodiesruleok.com/articles.php?id=48  
 
 
4. SPOTTED!!!
 
More exciting than getting your wig-spotters badge! If you've seen the Goodies recently, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>with the details. Here's where we've Spotted!!! the Goodies this month ... and in the U.K. too!:
 
FRINGE TICKETS BEST THING SINCE STRING
 (Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 22nd July)
 
The Edinburgh Fringe Box Office has sold out of tickets for the Goodies show on Saturday, Aug 19th. However, it appears that the Assembly Rooms Box Office still has some tickets for that night; they can be ordered from http://www.assemblyrooms.com/programme2006/prog_code/GOODI/programme_item.php.
 
"The Goodies Still Rule OK!" continues to be one of the top selling shows at the Fringe festival. The show turns up in various articles' top picks for things to see at the Fringe lists (such as the ones at http://www.edinburghfestivals.co.uk/topics.cfm?tid=933&id=1027682006  and http://64.233.161.104/search?q=cache:DHDFjiT_EzEJ:www.thestage.co.uk/features/feature.php/13235/you-gotta-laugh+%22the+goodies+still+rule+ok%22&hl=en&gl=us&ct=clnk&cd=20.
 
 
FROM THE GOODIES BOOK
 (Steve Gerlach – Goodies-l – 3rd Aug)
 
The latest New Releases catalogue from Allen & Unwin in Australia lists GOODIES RULE OK by Robert Ross as being available through ABC Books from November.
 
Could this mean a tv-repeat tie-in?
 
The blurb reads:
 
Throughout the 1970s Tim Brooke-Taylor, Graeme Garden and Bill Oddie created the most imaginative, inventive and consistently hilarious television show around. Interviewed exclusively for this book, each Goody offers his own recollections on the creation and filming of each series, providing insight into how this cult comedy collective conquered the small screen in the 1970s and why their legacy still stands tall today. Illustrated throughout with rare archive photos, behind-the-scenes shots, plus previously unseen memorabilia.
Robert Ross has written numerous books on British comedy and comedians. He lives in the UK.
ABC Books 0733319076
$55.00 hc
 
 
JOHNNY'S A MEGALOMANIAC!
 (Stephen Oakes – Goodies-l – 9th Aug)
 
In an article describing how one of Australia's government's own ministers slams its latest disgraceful attempt at a refugee policy, a minister refers to the Goodies' episode where they try to tow England outside the "5-mile limit"!
 
 
GOODIES ON THE BEEB
 (Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 11th Aug)
 
BBC 2 will be repeating the "Return of the Goodies" special from late 2005 this coming Tuesday, 15 August at 9:00pm
Also the episode of "Comedy Connections" devoted to "The Goodies" is scheduled for a repeat on BBC1 on Tuesday, 22 Aug at 22:35. 
 
 
(NOTE: All of the other Spotted!!! items regarding "The Goodies Still Rule OK" will appear in the special Edinburgh edition of the C&G to be published at the end of August)
 
 
5. 2001 AND A BIT
 
If you've sighted Tim, Bill or Graeme in a post-Goodies role, e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com> so that we can tell everyone where to spot a Goodie nowadays. Those of you seeking radio & tv alerts between issues of the C&G should consider signing up for the Goodies-L mailing list (more details available on the club website),as our crack (cracked?!) team of reporters attempt to post alerts as the information becomes available.
 
BILL SPOTTINGS
 
* Two reports have popped up about a reality TV series planned for next year; it would involve teaching people to play a musical instrument. Bill is rumored to be one of the celebrities taking part.
 
Here are the two news stories:
 
- FROM Funny.co.uk
 
Play It Again, Frank
Posted By Zorga (14 July, 2006)
 
Frank Skinner is one of many celebrities who have been signed up by the BBC for a new reality show titled Play It Again.
The programme will follow the volunteers as they learn to play a musical instrument of their choice from scratch guided by professionals in the specific field.
Details are still being finalised but so far Frank Skinner has already signed up for the project and hopes to learn to play the banjo.
Other rumoured celebs (of interest) are Bill Oddie playing guitar and Jo Brand learning the organ.
The programme isn't due to be aired until 2007 but is supposedly a part of a huge project by the BBC to encourage musical education. Radio and schools will coincide activities alongside the six-part series as well as the BBC hosting a range of interactive resources.
A BBC spokesperson said, "This is an absolutely massive music project. A lot of people have a passion for music - most of us learnt an instrument when we were younger - we are aiming to try and rekindle that passion."
Suggestions that Paris Hilton might be joining the show to learn how to blow a horn should be ignored.
 
- FROM Paramount Comedy news
 
Frank's Musical Journey
Frank Skinner will feature on a new show where he learns to play the banjo.
The brummie comedian is just one of many celebrities who will appear on a new reality show called Play It Again, which will follow them as they learn to play a musical instrument of their choice.
Details about this new BBC show are sketchy at the moment but one of the prerequisites for all of the volunteers is that they have no musical experience, so they can be taught from scratch by professional music teachers.
While Frank Skinner has already signed up for the project and hopes to learn to play the banjo, other celebs rumoured to appear include Bill Oddie playing guitar and Jo Brand learning the organ.
The programme will air next year and is reported to be a part of a huge project by the BBC to encourage musical education.
A BBC spokesperson said, "This is an absolutely massive music project. A lot of people have a passion for music - most of us learnt an instrument when we were younger - we are aiming to try and rekindle that passion."
(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 15th July)
 
 
* The BBC comedy "Fun at the Funeral Parlour" is currently listed on amazon.co.uk for a DVD release on 18 September - for anyone not familiar with the series, it is a fairly average comedy about a group of undertakers in Wales.
There were a few notable guest appearances however, including Bill Oddie in just one of the episodes, sending himself up by constantly protesting about the failure of the BBC to repeat "The Goodies". Worth a look if you haven't seen it already.
(Garry Johnstone – Goodies-l – 16th July)
 
 
GRAEME SPOTTINGS
 
* BBC7 once again repeated the episode of "Wireless Wise" with Graeme Garden earlier today; the show is hosted by Graeme's former ISIRTA cast mate David Hatch.
The show will be available via Listen Again from http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbc7/ for the next six days.
(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 27th July)
 
 
TIM SPOTTINGS
 
* Thanks to Ratdog for passing along this news.
"The ABC is due to show the episode of Absolute Power with Tim Brooke-Taylor on Wednesday August 2nd at 9pm after Spicks and Specks. Also Absolute Power can be seen on UKTV on Mondays as well."
(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 25th July)
 
* On tomorrow night's episode of Absolute Power (ABC Wednesday 9pm), Tim will be featured as a potential client who no longer wants to be seen as nice; he's sick and tired of this image.
Instead, he wants to be hated.
So, if you want to see how the PR people make Tim to be the most hated man in Britain, watch Absolute Power tomorrow night at 9pm.
(Amanda Stokes – 1st Aug)
 
 
* Tim is scheduled to be one of the contributors to "Artworks Scotland" to be aired on BBC 2 Scotland Sunday, 13 August from 22:00-23:00. 
(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 11th Aug)
 
 
I'M SORRY I HAVEN'T A CLUE (ISIHAC) and
I'M SORRY I'LL READ THAT AGAIN (ISIRTA)
 
* I’ve just spotted a radio series that could be interesting to Goodies fans, especially the later episodes.
There is a book by Barry Took called Laughter in the Air and if the book is anything to go by the radio series should be interesting too.
The book has lots of early history of BBC radio, ISIRTA and I think Hello Cheeky.
Laughter in the Air - BBC 7 on Sunday 11.00am
The Cat's Whiskers: Dickie Henderson, Bernard Cribbins and Barry Took trace the history and origins of radio comedy.
First broadcast January 1979. Episode 1 of 11. [Rptd 8.00pm, Mon 3.00am]
Here's a link to a review of the book and an episode listing for the radio series: http://www.stopmessinabout.co.uk/Article-Punch_76.htm
(Jane (Cuddlyscamp) – Goodies-l – 18th July)
 
 
* The new series of "Hamish and Dougal: You'll Have Had Your Tea" begins on BBC Radio 4 Thursday, 24 August at 23:00. 
(Lisa Manekofsky – Goodies-l – 11th Aug)
 
 
6. YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE A MAD GOODIES FAN WHEN …
 
Following last month's article on this topic the C&G pirate post office was swamped by homing kangaroos bearing messages from readers ... and a whole none of them were from a Mrs Trellis of North Wales too! Instead we received the following excellent responses from fan club members to "You Know That You're A Mad Goodies Fan When ...":
 
Bob Kilgore:
 
* Every night, you brush your toothy-pegs, put on your jimmy-jim-jams and go to sleepy-bobos.
 
* You'd vote for a Puppet Government if you had a chance.
 
* You never miss an opportunity to say, "There's only one way out of this crate..."
 
* Small, furry things always run affectionately up your neck.
 
* You're always yelling things (especially at the football) like, "Get up ya' Great Nancy!" or "What a load of RUB-bish!" or "Faking! Faking!" or "CHEL-SEY!!!"
 
* Whenever singing a song, you have an uncontrollable urge to "spell it".
 
* You can't hear someone drum their fingers on a table without breaking out into song.
 
* You'd do ANYTHING, ANYTIME.
 
* You want only the simple pleasures in life... and an O.B.E.
 
* You whistle the theme music to the "Archers" every time you see farm produce.
 
* You whistle the "Dam Busters" every time you see geese flying overhead.
 
* You own a repulsive stamp collection.
 
* You can see Tim Brooke-Taylor's face in your shiny shoes and you own a full set of his Jubilee Mugs.
 
* Marge and Tina cry for you.
 
* You have an unnatural relationship with your computer.
 
* All the rooms in your house have at least five different interiors.
 
* You have "Land of Hope and Glory" on your iPod or cell phone.
 
* Whenever you lose something, you run around real fast, singing "Come Back..."
 
 
Marf Shopmyer:
 
* You hum "Land of Hope and Glory" while trying not to listen to someone's screwball rant.
 
* You aggressively wrestle with large stuffed animals and take small, fluffy ones out for "walkies."
 
* There's a space on your Life List for a brown-vested Billius Oddie and you continually stake-out Hampstead Heath.
 
* You claim to have an uncle King comma Arthur.
 
* Your knees make chattering knocks when you're under stress.
 
* The baked beans aisle of the grocery store makes you nervous.
 
* You wonder how your parents and grandparents had the time to paint everything black and white for those old family pictures.
 
* After being called down for rowdy behavior, you shout, "Not Holy?! Not Holy?! It's about flippin' virgins, innit?!"
 
* You have epiphanies after having been in the loo too long.
 
* You know all the words to "God Save Our August Bank Holiday Island King," and what's more, you can sing them without tripping over your tongue.
 
* Your idea of swearing a blue streak is "Oh, flippin'eck!"
 
* You have to grow a beard to avoid looking like Liza Minelli.
 
* You discover everyone you know always wanted to be a zookeeper.
 
* You develop a sudden aversion to all things round.
 
* You have this strange sensation that the construction equipment is following you.
 
And the number one reason:
 
* You go to the Goodies website to find something for your brother for Christmas and you end up married to the then North American contact! 
 
 
Karen Upton:
 
* You can't eat your baked beans unless they have been poured over your head first.
 
* You won't allow such dangerous weapons on your dining table as ripe red tomato sauce squirters.
 
* Your pet fish Brian is asked to appear in a float at the Gay and Lesbian mardigras.
 
* Your plans for world domination are exposed when your homemade atom bomb is discovered
 
*. All your suits have full length zippers in them enabling you to get dressed in 20sec in the morning
 
* When you start preparing quadratic equations for dinner and developing an unnatural attraction for your computer
 
* When nothing in the world can faze you cos you have "Cod on Your Side"
 
* When you start petitioning the British government/Queen for an OBE and you're not even a British Citizen.
 
 
Peter Wearden:
 
* At any mention of string I start singing "String, String, String, String, Everybody loves string."
 
* Getting my kids to answer the question "What noise does a gibbon make?" with "Ooh Ooh Ooh!"
 
* My kids while in the midst of their own medley of children's songs (they were making it up as they were singing - they were 1 1/2 and 3 1/2) included "Father Christmas Do Not Touch me"
 
* Grow a couple of fuzzy chops sideburns for the Goodies tour and have my photo taken with Graeme (can send photo to prove it), and Graeme wanting to know if he could borrow them. Needless to say people were constantly asking me why?
 
Please send any further ideas to <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>
 
 
7. GOODIES MUSIC REVIEW #24
 
BOUNCE
 
Hi there pop pickers and welcome to another Goodies Music Review.
 
WHO?
 
It's been nearly a whole year since we last had a music review from Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) and Peaches Stiletto (aka Linda Kay), mainly because they have been trapped ... repeat trapped, in the stomach of a prehistoric monster, miles and miles below ground. We couldn't be bothered sending help and didn't even need to send a good ventriloquist as the Emperor had his wooden dummy of Tony Blackburn with him (or was it the real Tony ... who could tell?!) However once Tony told everyone that he only liked "gugglegum music and especially Little Jimmy Osmond", even the most "reckless loony" of potholers wouldn't go within a Tyrannosaurus Rex's roar of them. Finding that there was surprisingly little to do in a stomach apart from getting into neolithic man (is that legal?!), developing a craving for cheese and chutney sandwiches, and wearing doughnuts in strange places, the Emperor and Peaches made a futile attempt to escape using their Union Jack flagpole as a toothpick before sprinkling castor oil and senna pods around and getting themselves out in a bigger hurry (and bigger mess) than anything that the caveman's daughter Dina saur in her entire life! So for more Jurassic jokes, Paleolithic puns and Budgiec-age babble, let's now cross to your "do the bounce" –ing DJs for their review of "BOUNCE" by The Goodies
 
WHERE? WHEN?
 
"BOUNCE" can be heard on the 1970's album "The Goodies Greatest", as a single (with "Good Ole Country Music" on the flip side) and in the episodes 'Goodies Rule OK' and 'The Goodies – Almost Live'
 
WHAT?
 
Lyrics (from the single version): sung by Bill, with contributions from Tim and Graeme
 
Come along everybody, let's bounce for Britain
Bounce?!
 
Come on everybody, and that means you
We've got a little thing, that we want you to do
It's so easy, bend your knees, and you and me can do it together
 
You can bet you won't forget it, once you've got it here we go
Go, we want you all to know, it's better than the quick step, a quick quick slow
You better get ready, you better get to it, gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta do it!
 
Gotta bounce bounce bounce, oh come along
Bounce bounce bounce, give a little
Bounce bounce bounce, everybody bounce
 
Bounce bounce bounce, let me see you
Bounce bounce bounce, show us how you
Bounce bounce bounce, come and do the bounce (Wheee!)
 
Bounce to your partner, bounce to the wall
Bounce like a gerbil, bounce like a ball
Not a care, not a worry, in the air and we're away now
 
Never worry, what's the hurry, you can find the time to bounce
High, everybody try, give a little bounce, let the world go by
Bounce to the left, no, bounce to the right, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bounce all night!
 
Bounce bounce bounce, look at me
Bounce bounce bounce, I'm happy when I
Bounce bounce bounce, everybody bounce
 
Bounce bounce bounce, any fool can
Bounce bounce bounce, even you can
Bounce bounce bounce, come and do the bounce
 
Bounce bounce bounce, c'mon do the boonce, och aye (Wheee!)
Bounce bounce bounce, do you want to do the bounce? (Wheee!)
 
Do the bounce, do the bounce, do the bounce, you vill do der bounce! (Wheee!)
Do the bounce, do the bounce, do the bounce, voulez vous, bounce
Bounce bounce bounce, bounce bounce bounce, bounce bounce bounce, everybody bounce boyos
Bounce bounce bounce, bounce bounce bounce, bounce bounce bounce, would you care to bounce?
Bounce bounce bounce, sure do like to bounce
 
The Goodies have invented a brand new dance, only this time there's no need for Lionel Bleeah's la-de-dah learn-to-dance kit, Graeme's expert step-by-step (with wet feet on an electric lead) Disco Heave instructions or even a Pan's Granny or three to provide a delectable demo of how to do the Loony Moth, Slimy Toad or Festering Ferret. No, this one is a real easy one – just look the part ("If only I had a Union Jack waistcoat ... ah, here's one!"), bend your knees and bounce up and down repeatedly to this highly infectious tune until you are tied to a chair by someone who is getting sick of watching you (or sick from watching you) jumping around like a gerbil, a ball or a stark raving nutter. Just don't do it near an open window or a balcony or you might find that you don't bounce so well when the next chorus comes along, though if you happen to land on Nicholas Parsons and squash him, then at least the approval rating of your Bouncing Party will take a big jump upwards at the next general election.
 
WHY?
 
(Peaches Stilletto):
Hop to it, music lovers! What Britains need is a good spring in their step and this tune will cause one to leap for joy. You're bound to love this jaunty number, which does for vertical aerobics what Charles Atlas did for bulging biceps. With a spring in its step this song appeals to a variety of music tastes, skipping from one format to another as lithely as a kangaroo. Couch potatoes may recoil in horror as the vivacious chorus compels one to put a bounce in their behind . . . I dare anyone listening to this number NOT to feel the urge to follow suit! Drawbacks of course are possible whiplash (depending upon the level of energy one gives over to their urges), loss of pocket change and misinterpretations of pounding bed frames on one's wall by annoyed neighbors. But these are minor repercussions compared to the greater benefits. I might go so far as to suggest this song be replaced as England's new national anthem. After all, how much war could take place if everyone were gyrating up and down all the time? Ebullience for peace, I say!!
 
(Emperor Caligula):
Without leaping to conclusions this song appears to have sprung up from the 'Goodies Rule OK' special where Tim urges everybody to "Bounce For Britain", and this is the one patriotic speech that was (re)bound to get those "krauts, frogs and wops" bopping along in harmony. Apparently it was a particularly big hit in Czechoslovakia in those days of Communist hardship, especially among the prisoners in the local jails (there were bad Czechs bouncing all over the place!!) and indeed even the Welsh boyos and the Scots were happy to "do the boonce, och aye". Although the Nationwide presenter was of the opinion that the 'Bounce' was the most serious problem since the Black Death, it was obvious that someone must have clobbered him on the head with a black pudding shortly after he expertly walloped the psychologist in 'Kung Fu Kapers' and erased all recollections of Rolf Harris, Des O'Connor and Max Bygraves from his memory bank. The lucky fellow! Sadly the craze was over all too soon as the exhausted voters bounced the Goodies out of office and elected a bunch of motionless plastic dummies instead – who still appear to be running the Parliament even today! However you've now got the lyrics and if you can recoil how the catchy tune goes, you and your off-spring can make every year a leap-year by merrily bouncing away at the disco all night, though if you've only got the one leg you'd be well advised to go to the hop instead. How re-vaulting!
 
HOW!
 
Using the Black Pudding Rating System:
IIII Officially Amazing (Peaches Stiletto)
III 1/2 Amazingly Goody (Emperor Caligula)
 
THE BLACK PUDDING RATINGS SYSTEM
 
IIIII - Superstar.
IIII - Officially amazing.
III   - Goody goody yum yum.
II    - Fair-y punkmother.
I     - Tripe on t' pikelets.
 
Next Goodies Music Review: RIDE MY PONY in the October C&G
  
 
8. QUIZ & QUOTE ANSWERS
 
(a) Tim Brooke-Taylor
(b) Used by Graeme to create Frankenfido
(c) Frankenfido
(d) Jon Pertwee
(e) Bored stiff
(f) Food; especially sandwiches
(g) Brother Ignatius
(h) Welsh Druids defeated Catholics 159-0
 
YOUR SCORE:
8    Goodies fan supreme
7    Mastermind of the year
5-6 Clever clogs
3-4 Reasonably Goodie
1-2 Thick as old boots
0    Rolf Harris!
 
 
NEXT C&G EDITIONS:
 
- "The Goodies Still Rule OK" Special Edition –
31st August 2006
 
- #130: 15th September 2006.
 
 
C&G BACK ISSUES CONTENTS INDEX: http://www.goodiesruleok.com/articles.php?id=45
 
 
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The Goodies Fan Club Clarion and Globe is copyright The Goodies Rule - OK! 2006. All rights reserved.
Permission to reproduce this work or any section of it, in any form must first be obtained from the copyright holders.
 
For further information regarding this publication please e-mail <clarion@goodiesruleok.com>.
For other general enquiries about the 'Goodies Rule - OK' fan club or 'The Goodies' itself, please e-mail <enquiries@goodiesruleok.com>
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