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GOODIES SCENES CENSORED BY THE ABC
by Vanessa Meachen and Rohan Byrnes
(from C&G #10 September 1996, C&G #12 November 1996, & C&G #13 December 1996)
All Australian viewers of The Goodies know the feeling only too well; you're halfway through an episode. You're laughing your head off. Then, all of a sudden, there is a jump in the filmprint. There's a burst of laughter, but you don't know what at. And characters are suddenly in totally different positions from where they were before. Is this a plot by Nasty Person to confuse us? Or is Mrs Desiree Carthorse at work? No, what we are facing is an enemy more dastardly than anything else faced by our intrepid heroes. It's the scissors of the ABC censors!
Over the years the ABC have been responsible for making many snips to The Goodies, ranging from tiny cuts of one-liners all the way up to two whole Goodies 'adverts' cut from Season One. Sometimes they are easy to spot, because of the unexplained bursts of laughter mentioned above, but others are not so obvious. Between the cuts made by the ABC for the sake of 'decency' and those made by Channels Seven and Ten (to fit in adverts) during their screenings of the program, Goodies fans in Australia have never seen some of the episodes in their uneviscerated versions. Fortunately, a white knight has appeared on the horizon - in the shape of Foxtel's UK-TV.
UK-TV has been screening The Goodies twice a day since it began transmitting in August. The good news for fans is that episodes have been totally uncut (with one notable exception - 'The Stolen Musicians' - in which many pieces of music have been removed by BBC Enterprises, presumably to avoid the trouble of organising performance approvals). The bad news, of course, is that Foxtel is still unavailable to many people. These are the cuts that I noticed, through a comparison of the ABC copies and the UK-TV copies. I don't *think* I've missed any.
The censored lines from the screenings of The Goodies on the ABC are in brackets
#1: The Tower of London - 2 cuts
When Bill is first shown sucking on his lemon sherbet, there is a small cut:
TIM: Keep going, keep going!
[A shot of a topless girl on a beach appears on the screen. The topless girl is replaced by a kaleidoscopic pattern.
Bill: Oh, it's gone.
GRAEME: Keep sucking, you fool!]
Slide on screen: NORMAL SERVICE WILL BE RESUMED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
An entire 'advert' was also cut from this episode. It occurs after the ad for the Goodies Tea Set.
[A girl is standing at a washing machine.
GIRL: Oh, wash days! Look at this pile of washing. I don't know what I'm going to do!
Tim enters, wearing a shiny white suit and holding a box of Fairy Puff washing powder.
TIM: Hi there, kitten! I'm the Fairy Puff man. (Sings) Gets right to the dirt of the wash! That's me! Hey kitten, that dress you're wearing is grey, grey, grey, grey, grey!
GIRL: I know, but what can I do?
TIM: Here, kitten. Take that dress off and put it in this washing machine with Fairy Puff. (Sings) Gets right to the dirt of the wash!
The girl removes the dress and hands it to Tim.
TIM: Uh-uh, kitten, that underslip you're wearing is grey, grey, grey, grey, grey! Best take it off and we'll put it in as well.
The girl removes her slip and gives it to Tim.
Tim sings: Gets right to the dirt of the wash!
TIM: Oh-oh, kitten, those undies you're wearing are grey, grey, grey, grey, grey!
GIRL: I know, take them off and put them in the machine.
We see a head and shoulders shot of the girl as she removes her undies and gives them to Tim, who is leering at her.
GIRL: Now what are you going to do, hmmm?
TIM's leering changes to a look of uncertainty.
TIM (girly voice): I'm going to wash these clothes. I'm the Fairy Puff Man! (Sings): Gets right to the dirt of the wash! I'm a little Fairy Puff man, puff puff!]
#3, Love the Police - 1 cut
The only cut here occurs as the Goodies strip off to swim in the pond after their love-fest. In the ABC copy, we see Bill strip down to his red jocks, and the shocked expressions of onlookers, then it cuts to the courtroom door being opened. In between, the ABC copy is missing a five-second shot of Tim and Bill frolicking in the water, splashing each other and onlookers with water. Tim is topless and Bill is naked with a helmet held over 'the rude bits'. He turns away from the camera, revealing his bum. (Ruder and ruder!)
#5, The Greenies - 1 cut
The black and white print screened by the ABC in the seventies had a two-second shot of a topless girl cut from the 'advert', but this is intact in the colour copy screened during the last ABC repeat season.
#6, Cecily - 1 cut
An entire advert was cut from this episode.
[Tim is standing in a street, taking a photo of a pretty girl who is doing an arty pose for him. He takes the photo and turns to the camera.
TIM: Hello. My name's Bob Murray. You've probably seen me on television.
Caption: BOB MURRAY AS SEEN ON TELEVISION
TIM: That's me. I've just taken a photograph with my Supermatic, the camera that takes, develops and prints in just ten seconds. Well, ten seconds is up by now, so let's see what we've got.
Tim takes photo out of camera, peels it off the backing, holds it up to the camera. Close-up on photo. It's the same girl, in the same pose, but in the photo she's naked.
TIM: Yes, the Supermatic, the camera with a little imagination.]
#7, Radio Goodies - 2 cuts
GRAEME: There we are, it's only a small start, but I think I can promise that Radio Goodies will soon be the biggest and best commercial radio station in the country.
[TIM: And I'll be a famous disk jockey and have hundreds of little groupie girls offering themselves to me.
BILL: You filthy beast!
Bill and Tim laugh and nudge each other]
Bill and Tim sing: Radio Goodies!
There's also a 'bleep', or rather, a soundtrack drop:
Tim and Bill are watching Graeme drowning.
TIM: He would have wanted it this way.
BILL: No he [bloody] wouldn't!
#9, Sporting Goodies - 2 cuts
There are definitely two small cuts in this episode - while the 'sex test' is being discussed - but as the edited black and white ABC copy appears to be the only one in existence, we may never know what was cut.
Note: There appear to have been no other cuts in Season Two.
#22, The New Office - 1 cut
TIM: I know how to talk to workers. Now, look here, my good man -
BUILDER: [Get stuffed!]
This was in fact dubbed over by the ABC so the builder appears to be saying 'Get lost'.
#23, A Hunting We Will Go - 2 cuts
GRAEME: I know why he's all dressed up - he's after some bird!
[TIM: If I was after some bird I wouldn't need to dress up as a guardsman.
BILL: No, that's true. Must be after some feller.
TIM: As a matter of fact, it's Butcher.
GRAEME: Butcher than what?
TIM: No, my Great-Uncle Butcher.] I'm going to spend the weekend in the country with my Great-Uncle Butcher.
TIM: I am going to get married.
GRAEME: What? Who to?
TIM: The Hon. Lady Amanda Barrington Phipps Ponsonby Paddington Waterloo Charing Cross Crewe Alexandra Accrington Stanley Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick and Titch Carruthers Carruthers Smythe Junior. [Known to her friends as Big Knockers]
#25, Black Magic - 3 cuts
Witch Hazel: Oh come, oh come, oh mystical one!
Graeme enters room with 'Orrible Airy Spiders' placard.
GRAEME: [Cor, I'm knackered].
BILL: Look at this one. Witch's Manual, Volume 1. 180 dances to do round the campfire. What do you think that is? [A Bum in the Coven!] [Shot of photo of nude bum with headline 'BUM IN THE COVEN'.]
TIM: Ooh, I must look a sight!
[GRAEME: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Are you sure you're virgins?
BILL: Yes sir.
GRAEME: But she's got a beard.
TIM: That's why she's a virgin!
GRAEME: Fair enough.]
#26, The Lost Island of Munga
Tim is listening to the Queen on the phone.
QUEEN: If you want us to attend any fetes, bazaars or boat launchings, [get knotted].
#27, Way Outward Bound - 1 cut
MATRON: Have you been having a nice time?
BILL: No. [We're knackered.]
#36, Movies - 3 cuts.
BILL: Whose is this one then?
TIM: Jane, Ken or Bertrand?
[BILL: Let's hope it's the one with the big knockers, eh?
TIM: Yeah - Bertrand.]
TIM: Warhol, will you stop filming me when I'm talking? [Which brings me to the subject of sex, perversion and - Warhol, I shan't tell you again - and violence.] I simply will not - Warhol, give me that
GRAEME: Now look what you've done! It wasn't her fault - his fault!
BILL: No, it's yours! [Yours, iníit, you clapped-out old queen!
GRAEME: Well, thank you, thank you! At least I can act, which is more than I can say for some people present.
TIM: And what's that supposed to mean?
GRAEME: Well, let's face it, darling, you're no Glenda Jackson, are you?
TIM: Oh, you bitch!
BILL: Don't you speak to her like that!] She's one of the finest actresses I've ever had the pleasure to work with!
#39, Wacky Wales - 5 cuts
NB: Please excuse my imperfect transcription of Welsh rugby songs!
Amongst the pseudo-Welsh gibberish in the letter Graeme reads at the beginning of the episode are two cut phrases: 'Get stuffed' and 'indecent exposure'.
During the actual Eisteddfod, an action sequence is cut. Just after the fan-dancing girl turns into Tim, Bill comes onstage as a flasher in a dirty raincoat. He flashes at Tim, who runs away. Graeme then
enters dressed as a magician. Bill flashes at him, then turns to briefly flash at the audience. Graeme zaps Bill into a cloud of smoke and turns him into a pretty girl wearing Bill's raincoat.
REV. LLEWELLYN: Let's sing one verse of hymn no. 42, allright?
Song: 'If I were the marrying kind, which thank the Lord I'm not, The only girl that I would wed would be the goalman's daughter, And I'd play touch and she'd play touch and we'd both play touch
together [We'd be all right in the middle of the night]'
REV. LLEWELLYN: STOP!
(NB: I think this line may have been cut because Bill is shown making pumping 'up yours' gestures)
During one of the rugby matches, a small piece of footage was cut when Brother Ignatius breaks his vow of silence - we see him mouthing what looks suspiciously like 'You f***ing old cow!'
In the locker room, after they chant 'We are the holiest!', [the Druids start singing a song about 'four and twenty virgins'.
BILL: Shut up! Quiet! Please, that song, honestly! That's not holy!
REV. LLEWELLYN: Not holy? It's about flipping virgins, innit? You can't get much holier than that!]
#41, Scatty Safari - 1 cut
TIM: You don't hear Graeme complaining!
BILL: That's cause he's not here.
TIM: Well, if he was here you wouldn't hear him complaining.
GRAEME: [I'm knackered!]
#43, Lighthouse Keeping Loonies - 1 cut
NEWSREADER: Its speed was estimated by various witnesses to be somewhere between twenty and six thousand miles per hour. [These pictures were taken by a Swedish amateur photographer. (shot of nude girl)]
#45, Cunning Stunts - 5 cuts.
Tim is answering the phone.
TIM: Take that would you Bill? (Answers another phone) [Oh! That one's obscene! I'd better take it]
TIM: What've you got? I want a story with warmth, drama, human interest, [and enormous bosoms.
GRAEME: Get a load of this, Chief!]
TIM: Hit me with it!
GRAEME: OK, listen. Attractive 35-year-old pet shop owner Mona Briggs named in parrot feed scandal. Here's the picture.
TIM: Itís a a dog.
GRAEME: [Yeah, but look at the bosoms! Count the bosoms!]
TIM: Right, that's it then - what a headline! [Goodies Clarion and Globe Reporter Pulls High Class Crumpet!]
MILDRED: Well, you make me laugh, too, but I'm not going to marry you.
TIM: [Nice one, Mildred.
BILL: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute! Yeah, I see it all now! That's what you wanted all along, eh? A bit of crumpet round the office, eh? Oh yeah, course it is. Yeah, a quick snog behind the filing cabinet, yeah, that's what you two are after, isn't it?
TIM: I'm sure Mildred is not that kind of girl.
BILL: Oh yes, she is.
TIM: Is she really? (Composes himself) I don't know how you can say that. Mildred is quite clearly ideally suited for the job on account of her long legs - experience, experience! She has extremely
impressive bosoms - breasts - um, qualifications. She has a splendidly pert cheeky pinchable little - little - little degree in economics and sociology, and a terrific bum - bottom - and I'm sure we will all enjoy groping her, working her, with her,] so kindly push off.
MILDRED: And then if you're not doing anything tonight, you can come and have a spot of dinner with me. [Then back to my place for a bit of way-hey-hey!]
#48, The End - 1 cut.
TIM: I've not been easy to live with.
BILL: No you haven't, that's absolutely correct, he hasn't you know.
TIM: Pay no attention to him. [He's pissed.
GRAEME: Has he?
#54, It Might As Well Be String - 1 cut
Bill and Graeme are demonstrating the ad for Kenny Cornflakes for
GRAEME: Picture the family, holding out their plates for more.
BILL: The children!
GRAEME: The husband!
BILL: She's a wonderful mum.
[GRAEME: And a terrific lay.]
#58, Dodonuts - 9 cuts
GRAEME: And the proof of the pudding is in tonight's menu, my little eco-freak. Look at this lot! Poached osprey's eggs, mole kebabs, [and barbecued badger balls.
TIM: My favourite!]
GRAEME: Don't sit there!
TIM: Why not?
GRAEME: Dodo doo's.
[TIM: That is my best throne! And look at the size of it! I thought it was a new cushion!
TIM: Oh! Well, now I'm awake I might as well get something to eat.
BILL: (peering at dodo doos): Ooh dear!] Well, we're going to have to get him house-trained.
GRAEME: You could be right, you see. If they only liked baked beans and the beans didn't agree with them, that would be rough on the survival of the species. [And of course, with beans there would be
other attendant problems.
(Huge farting noise from dodo.)
TIM: Oh, my God! Stop him, I can't stand that, stop him, will you, stop him!
BILL: It's only nature's way, mate!
TIM: I don't care.]
BILL: If he goes, I go.
GRAEME: It's a deal.
[Shot of Bill and the dodo walking down the road, with dodo-doos dropping frequently. People in the street start holding their noses and booing. An old man scoops up some dodo-doos with a shovel and dumps them on his rose beds; the roses immediately die. People start throwing fruit at Bill and the dodo.]
TIM: Now, it has been suggested that we create a few of our own, like potting nearly all the sparrows. [But I'm not eating bloody sparrow sandwiches for six months.]
BILL: Out of that door! Otherwise, Uncle Bill severs the snout.
[(Dodo farts loudly. Bill groans and drops the axe, and starts
spraying air freshener about.)
BILL: Oh please, please go outside just for a few seconds, will you? I mean, let's just get a breath of fresh air! I mean, you're perfectly safe, you're a protected species, you're in a sanctuary! Come on, come on, come on.] Oh listen, who'd want to hurt you?
BILL (in dodo suit): You'll be forced to admit that it's perfectly safe to pop your handsome hooter outside that door. OK, let's go.
[(Dodo makes strange rumbling noise.)
BILL: Here, here, you can take that look out of your eye. You randy little devil! Tell you what, though - if I spot any little lady dodos out there, I'll pull one for you. You'd like that, yes.
(Dodo flaps wings, squawks, bounces up and down enthusiastically.)]
During the filming of Walt Disney's Real-Life Adventures of Daisy, the Delectable Dodo:
NARRATOR: It's Dreadful Dennis, the neighbourhood wise guy. And boy, what a show-off. [But despite her seeming indifference -
(Dodo-suited Tim kicks dodo-suited Bill in the crotch)
NARRATOR: Delectable Daisy knows deep down inside that old dame nature has it all sewn up. Pretty soon she and Dennis are going to be at it like knives.]
TIM: All right, where is it?
(Dodo flings itself at him.)
BILL: Get off him, get off him, get off him! [You dirty little bird! He's sex-mad, he is! Oy, now listen. I did not get you a mate, and it's just Tim!
TIM: Get off, get off!
BILL: You're lucky. He's not fussy!]
#59, Scoutrageous - 2 cuts.
TIM: On the other hand, he never has any unclean thoughts and if he does, he immediately takes a cold shower!
(All Scouts take cold showers)
[BILL: Flipping heck!
TIM: A Scout is always clean of mouth. He is fond of his uniform and he likes his silly hat. He does not indulge in woggle jokes such as 'Have you seen his woggle?' 'No, but it's a good trick if he can do it!'
(All Scouts take cold showers)
TIM: A Scout does not think much of girls, preferring as he does the manly comradeship of his chums. He is kindly to little boys and cubs-
(All Scouts' hands steal towards their shower chains)
TIM: On the other hand, he is not a raving poofter, oh no! A Scout does not wear make-up, except of course at the Gang Show, where, of course, he can also wear women's clothes which he enjoys very, very much!
(All Scouts take cold showers)
TIM: Dib dib dib!
SCOUTS: Dob dob dob!
TIM: The meeting is closed.
BILL: Let's go to the pub!
(Bill and Graeme laugh.)
(Bill and Graeme take cold showers).]
During Tim's discussion of the Scouting badges, right after the 'Wig-Spotter's Badge'.
[TIM: Or your Initiative Badge. Stealing a pair of Margaret Thatcher's bloomers?!
Shot of Margaret Thatcher talking at a conference. A Scout hat is seen over the top of the table sneaking towards her. There are several peculiar mechanical noises. A pair of large knickers is held aloft on a stick to a triumphant fanfare. There is a shot of the other conference members sitting behind Mrs Thatcher applauding.
TIM: You were making those badges up!
GRAEME and BILL: Yes.
TIM: Well - it was shameful!
GRAEME: Oh, come on, Brown Ale.
GRAEME: They were merely boyish pranks. Anyway, that's the way to get new recruits.
BILL: That's right. I've still got a gap there. I'm going for my
Cheering Up Lonely Young Housewives Whose Husbands Are Away At Work badge.
TIM: You are not! You've brought shame to the whole platoon, haven't they lads! Margaret Thatcher's knickers! Whatever next?
BILL: Angela Rippon's suspender belt!
(Produces suspender belt and waves it about. All Scouts take cold showers.)
TIM: Don't you ever say that again! Angela Rippon's suspender belt. Oh! (Takes cold shower)]
There were also a few cuts in Earthanasia which weren't detailed in the above articles, mainly Tim's confessions about his sins, Bill being ready to take off with Jane Fonda and Tim kneeing Bill in the groin.